Living in Sin (Living In…) (9 page)

You’re supposed to be thinking about him and what he wants, not you and your daddy issues.

True, though her daddy issues were another can of worms she didn’t want to open up right now.

Ignoring the hurt, Lily cleared her throat. “Uh, sorry, Dad, but what time’s dinner?”

A look of irritation crossed his face at the interruption. “Half an hour. Daphne’s got something in the oven for us.”

“Can I help out? Set the table and stuff?”

Her father waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever you like.”

“What about a drink? Would you like—”

“Lily, for God’s sake, can’t you see I’m talking?” He glared at her. “Just go and do…whatever. Mr. Winter and I have important things to discuss and we don’t want to be constantly interrupted.”

The words stung. Ever since she’d gotten out of the hospital and come back here to live, it was like anytime she made her father more than vaguely aware of her presence he got irritated. Snapping at her and telling her to go away and do something else. She’d gotten used to it. But somehow, Kahu’s presence made it different. Made the words hurt more than they usually did.

She tried to ignore his presence on the couch. “Okay,” she muttered. “Suit yourself. If you need anything I’ll be in the kitchen.”

And she turned away.

Kahu stared at Rob. Behind him he could hear Lily’s soft tread fade as she walked away from the doorway and down the hall toward the kitchen.

Dismissed. Like a naughty child.

Had Rob always treated her like that? It disturbed him that he couldn’t remember. But then he’d never been this aware of her before. Even when she’d spent the last hour since he’d arrived up in her bedroom, the mere fact she was in the same house weighed on him.

And it was weird. All around him were the reminders of the civilized dinners he’d had with Anita and Rob, and then the business meetings conducted over chess games. And a little girl with big eyes, who’d watched him, fascinated.

Except that little girl wasn’t so little anymore. And he’d tasted her.

He could taste her still, her flavor sitting in his mouth, the sweetest reminder of all.

Kahu caught his breath and tried to direct his attention to the present. “Was that really necessary?”

His friend frowned. “Was what necessary?”

Christ, the guy hadn’t even realized what he’d said. “Lily. She was only trying to help.”

Rob waved a hand. “Oh that. Well, we have important stuff to discuss. I don’t know why she’s always hanging around the house all the time. I thought she had friends to go see but apparently not.”

There was something in the other man’s tone Kahu didn’t like, though he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. “I didn’t realize she was still living at home. What is she now? Twenty, right?”

An expression he didn’t recognize crossed Rob’s face, though he was sure it had something to do with anger. “She’s trying to be a dancer, which obviously doesn’t pay very well. So she’s at home until… Until she manages to make money obviously.”

“That’s tough,” Kahu said carefully. “She doesn’t have another job?”

“No.” The word was flat.

Interesting. Clearly there was tension between Rob and his daughter.

The sound of orchestral music filled the room and Rob cursed as he fumbled for his phone. “Damn.” He glanced down at the screen. “I have to take this, sorry.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Why don’t you go help yourself to a beer? You know where they are.” Rob got up from the couch and answered the phone, walking over to the windows.

Go get a beer. In the kitchen. Where Lily was.

Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to be alone with her, considering their last interaction. But he couldn’t shrug off the way her father had spoken to her. It made him angry, though it didn’t make any sense as to why. He just…didn’t like it.

Rising from the couch, Kahu went out into the hall and down toward the kitchen at the back of the house.

The décor was farmhouse—not Rob’s thing which meant it was probably the work of his long dead wife—and scrupulously clean. Lily stood by the sink, loading things into the dishwasher.

She was in her usual uniform of skinny jeans and converses, a black T-shirt with a long sleeved purple top underneath. Her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, curls hanging around her fine-boned face.

For once she wasn’t wearing her ubiquitous duffel coat and maybe that was a bad thing because he was very conscious of the length of her legs in those jeans and the curve of her breasts beneath her tightly fitting T-shirt. Far more conscious than he wanted to be.

She didn’t look at him or stop what she was doing, her movements short and sharp as she tried to jam in a mug in the top drawer, the china clinking. “The beer is in the fridge if that’s what you’re after.”

Kahu ignored that, leaning against the doorframe instead. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re going to break that mug if you’re not careful.”

She let out a breath and put the mug back on the counter. “Got any other dishwasher-loading suggestions?” Her voice was bright with sarcasm, her features set and tight.

“Your father’s a dick,” he said quietly. “He had no call to speak to you like that.”

Lily lifted a shoulder. “Yeah, well, it’s nothing new so don’t sweat it.”

She was trying to act like it didn’t matter. He could spot that a mile off. Which meant, of course, that it did.

“Lily—”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” She pushed the dishwasher drawer back in with slightly more force than was strictly necessary and shut the door with a click. Stabbing at a few buttons, she turned it on.

Okay so this more than mattered. She was hurt. What the hell was going on with her and Rob? Why had treated his daughter like a naughty three-year-old? She wasn’t a child anymore.

Oh yeah and you have firsthand knowledge of that, don’t you?

He took a careful, measured breath. Yes, he knew. She was a woman and he was becoming more and more aware of that with every passing second.

He opened his mouth to say something, but she got in first.

“I’m sorry, Kahu.” She turned to face him, her back to the kitchen counter. “I’m sorry about Monday night. I’m sorry about what I did. You should know that it wasn’t my intention to manipulate you or anything, I just…” She stopped.

This was
not
what he’d been expecting at all. He crossed his arms, waiting for her to continue.

“I don’t like to lose,” she eventually went on. “And I don’t like to give up. And that little performance in your study was more about me than it was about you.” Another hesitation. “Which isn’t what seduction is all about.”

He really didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been anticipating discussing Monday night at all, let alone receiving an apology from her, and it left him feeling like she’d come in and shifted around his favorite room, and nothing was where he thought it was anymore.

She was looking at him now, green eyes shifting into misty gray, the lights above her head highlighting the gold strands in her hair and lashes. And he could see the sincerity in her face—she meant what she’d said all right.

He cleared his throat. “It wasn’t entirely your fault. I was the one who agreed to the Monday night sessions in the first place.”

“I know, but only because I pushed.” She shifted against the counter, her hands behind her, gripping tight as if for balance. “And like I said, that’s the problem. It’s all about me and what I want. I’ve never actually asked you what you want.”

No one’s ever asked you that.

She shifted again, nervously. “So I guess that’s what I’m asking you now. What do you want, Kahu?”

The room seemed to spin, the words echoing weirdly in his head. Over the years, after Anita had sent him away, he’d managed to carve out a life that wasn’t directed by her. Where he was in charge and he didn’t have to give away pieces of himself to other people in return for money or anything else.

Where he made the decisions and did what he wanted, not what other people thought was best for him.

But no one had ever asked him that question. Not any of his lovers, not any of his friends. Not even Eleanor.

His heartbeat had sped up, the sound loud in his ears, almost drowning out the words she’d spoken. What do you want? What do
you
want?

“What do you mean?” His voice sounded thick, unlike himself.

“I mean, what do you want from me? If it’s no more Monday night sessions then I can stop. If you don’t want to see me again…say the word and you won’t.”

That’s not what you want and you know it.

Yeah, he knew it. Deep in his heart, the knowledge had been there all the time. The decisions he’d been making about Lily were what he thought was best for both of them. Because of their age difference. Because of the business.

But they weren’t what he actually
wanted.

He shifted against the doorframe, because even now he wasn’t sure if he should give voice to what he wanted. Saying it aloud made it real. Made it possible. And once she heard it… Jesus. “Are you sure you want to know, sweetheart?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

“What I want is not to want you. But it’s too late for that.”

Her red-gold lashes went wide at the admission, the green in her eyes sparking.

Shit, why was she surprised? She must know he wanted her, especially after Monday.

“Oh…” She swallowed audibly. “If it’s too late, then what else?”

It was wrong to say it. Wrong to speak the words aloud. But he’d already broken his no-touching promise. He’d started down this road and now he had no choice but to keep on walking. Besides, as that little interchange with Rob had already made him aware, Lily Andrews wasn’t a child anymore.

“I want someone who’s mine,” he said, his voice not quite level. “Who’s there for me. Who will do exactly what I tell them, when I tell them to do it. I want someone whose sole purpose is to be there for my pleasure. Someone I choose.” As he spoke, an inexplicable anger bloomed into life inside him. Because how many times had he had things taken from him? By the clients who’d used him and by the woman who’d rescued him from that life. Oh sure, Anita had given him everything, but only the things she deemed important. She’d never asked whether he was interested in the “culture” she was determined to impart. She’d never asked him whether he’d even wanted to go back to school or university.

She’d just assumed and directed, moving him around like a chess piece on a board. So yeah, fuck, why couldn’t he have something he actually wanted for a change? Someone who would give him everything he wanted and demand nothing in return.

Color had crept into her cheeks. “I could be that someone for you,” Lily said, her voice quiet but very certain. “I could be yours. You could choose me.”

Yes.

His body had already made that decision, or at least his rapidly hardening cock did.

Lily. His. Yes.

Except his brain needed some time to catch up. “I told you I wasn’t going to touch you. That was our agreement.”

“I realize that. But…you’ve touched me already, Kahu.” She paused, biting her lip. “It could just be for one night and that’s it.”

Fuck yes!

He fought the instinctive, gut response, because she probably had no idea what she was offering. “Do you really understand what I’m asking for, ballerina?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“No, love. You don’t. When I say I want someone who’s mine, I mean it. Every decision, every choice, every action would be decided by me, for me.” God, the more he said the words, the more he wanted this. Take something for himself. Make it about him.

“Okay. I get that.”

“I don’t think you do. It means that what you want would be irrelevant. Only what I want is important.”

There it was, the uncertainty and fear he’d expected, flickering through her eyes like shadows. “Oh… Would…would you hurt me?”

Something in his chest tightened. Because he knew the answer to that too. “I might. If it gives me pleasure.”

Her mouth opened then closed. Another swallow, her gaze dropping away from his to the floor. “I don’t want to be hurt.”

“No, I don’t suppose you do. Pain can be pleasurable as well, but I guess that’s not the point. The point is that I want someone to give themselves to me without reservation. Without holding back.” Unlike Anita, who’d always withheld a part of herself from him. Even when he’d given her everything he was.

“Don’t be silly, Kahu. I don’t love you and you don’t love me. That’s not what this relationship is all about.”

But he had loved her, no matter what she’d said.

“Why?” Lily asked. “Why do you need that?”

“Because that’s what I want.” He wasn’t going into the whys, not now and not with her.

“What if I don’t want to give you that?”

“Then don’t. I can’t force anyone into doing this for me. It wouldn’t work if force was involved anyway. I want consent, freely given, for anything I might want to do.” He wasn’t into non-con fantasies, though he knew people who were. No, the image that made his mouth go dry was someone giving themselves to him. And not because he asked, but because they wanted to do something for him. Because they wanted to be his.

Someone?

Okay. Lily. Her.

She was looking at him warily and he didn’t like it. “But…what if I say yes and then when we get halfway through the night you start doing stuff that hurts. That I don’t want. You’re saying that’s not important?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that
I’m
important. What I want. And if what I want is to see you come, to hear your pleasure, then I’m not going to push you hard into doing something that doesn’t give you any.”

She was blushing again. “Okay, okay. I just…don’t know anything about this stuff.”

“I know you don’t. And that’s why you’d better be careful with what you’re offering me, ballerina. It’s a gift I want. And a sacrifice. But you have to be fully aware of that going in.”

She was silent a long minute. “Have you ever done this before with anyone? Has anyone…uh…given themselves to you before?”