Living Bipolar (18 page)

When I first started dating Cassandra I wanted to go out more, and hang out with my guy friends, and they would invite me to the movies and they would want to do this and to do that. In the beginning, sometimes Cassandra would get sick and would not want to go out, and I might have held on to some resentments. As our relationship grew I changed my perspective more.
I started putting her before myself,
and a lot of things changed in my mind. When I realized she was going to be my wife, I realized it wasn’t me first -- it’s the family first. Today I put Cassandra before anything like that, so my priorities have changed.

I realize today that it’s not me anymore, that it’s us as a team, and that there is no me.
You have to think that way
. I have always taken on the illness this way. It's us, not her or me
. I know it’s her dealing with an illness, and I view it as something we have to get through together. For the people who really know Cassandra her illness is not a big deal. They really like her. I love Cassandra. I want a life with her, and I realize she is Bipolar, and therefore, it’s different than a relationship that doesn’t have the Bipolar illness present. There are certain sacrifices that you have to make when someone is sick -- but to me the big picture is marriage, family…and that I love Cassandra.
The illness we will deal with as a couple and as a family.

Having Kids

Who Develops the Bipolar Illness?

Who develops manic-depression? Unfortunately there is no clear cut method, or tests available, which can identify who will develop manic-depression. The best indicator to know if an individual is at high risk is being knowledgeable with family history, and knowing if anyone in the family has mood swings, or if they are manic-depressive. If either of these statements is true for a family member it puts an individual “at fifteen time’s greater-than-average chance of becoming manic-depressive” (Hershman and Lieb 1998: pg 22). There are genetic, neurochemical, and environmental factors which interact at many different levels to play a role in the onset and progression of manic-depression. “The current thinking is that this is a predominately biological disorder that occurs in a specific part of the brain and is due to a malfunction of the neurotransmitters (chemical messengers in the brain). As a biological disorder, it may lie dormant and be activated spontaneously or it may be triggered by stressors in life” (Haggerty,
2005 :pg
1). Some behavioral indicators of manic-depressives in families are people who have an addiction to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. These behaviors, along with suicide, are usually the most common and obvious underlying symptoms of a person who is afflicted with the mood disorder. Alcohol is widely used by manic-depressives to alleviate depressive states, used for sleep during manic episodes, to extend euphoria, or just as a means of celebration (Hershman and Lieb,
1998:
pg 23).

Although no one is quite sure of the exact causes of manic-depression, researchers have discovered important clues. Manic-depression tends to “run in families.” Almost half the people with manic-depression have a family member with some kind of mood disorder, such as depression. A child who has one parent with manic-depression has a 15 to 25% chance of having the condition (Haggerty 2005: pg 2).

-Haggerty,
2005:
2

Tristan continued on having kids…

We do plan on having kids. Cassandra has said that she would feel bad having a kid who was sick,
and I always say look at you. You’ve had a good life
. If our kid, boy or girl has the Bipolar illness there is someone out there for them.
It’s definitely a life worth having
and she wants kids. She definitely wants kids, but passing on the Bipolar illness to another person is always in the back of her mind. She knows the mental illness runs on her side of the family. Even though Cassandra would feel guilty giving it to her kid, and I always tell her that that’s not a way to look at it. There are kids born with genetic abnormalities all the time. If our kid has Bipolar disorder we will deal with it, and because of Cassandra’s illness, we will be prepared for what the symptoms are. Maybe they will be able to diagnose it earlier than when Cassandra was diagnosed. Cassandra and I know what to look for.

She’s had a good life really. I’m definitely glad she’s in my life, and definitely glad she was born. I would feel the same way about our kids. I hope someone else would too.

Cassandra and Tristan Discuss Sex and Each other

Cassandra:

I know Tristan doesn’t like when I don’t feel well.

Tristan:

I usually have a hard time distinguishing between caretaker and as a lover. I’ve told her that I’m willing to go talk to her therapist again to help me distinguish because once I go to the caretaker role; it’s hard for me to shut it off.

Cassandra:

I’m turned off and turned on. I’m Bipolar. The minute I don’t feel well, I’m on the couch. It’s terrible but I know I don’t feel well. I agree though. It’s hard to distinguish between the love we have for each other, and then to my illness which kind of takes over everything.

Tristan:

It’s not like I want sex elsewhere. I want to take care of her, but it’s just at that time going from one minute making sure she is all right and tucked in properly, to being romantic is difficult. I know sometimes she gets mad at the fact that I can’t be turned off and on like a light switch.

Cassandra:

I know it’s hard. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own feelings, compared to adding his feelings on top of it. I pretty much ignore his feelings when I’m not feeling well, and I want what I want when I want it and then its leave me alone. I take me meds and some days I don’t fall sleep for an hour and sometimes ten minutes after I take the medicine I’m losing it and slurring and falling over.

How many times Tristan have I fallen over the past couple of days?

Tristan:

Well, I want to bed early last night, and I was tired, but I woke up because Cassandra crashed into the wall.

Cassandra:

I went to get in bed and I was short of the bed by a foot!

Tristan:

It’s funny, well not really funny, but I was like, “Cassandra what was that?” and she said I just ran into the wall. She doesn’t even remember falling out of bed.

Cassandra:

I think the one thing that is good about our relationship is he never takes advantage of my feelings. Tristan is very cognizant of where my feelings are. Even if I want to do something a little damaging. Although He doesn’t take care of me every day, but he will take care of my feelings even when I won’t. I think that’s the best part of our relationship.

Tristan:

I think a relationship is thinking of the other person a lot. That’s my view. A relationship, it’s just not you anymore.

Cassandra:

When I had my ECT and I got sick, really sick, I was a mess. I was an absolute mess. When I finally got over my anger (from the damage the ECT did to me), I was a better person than I’ve ever been, and I met Tristan at the time when I became a better person. So I can’t compare him to anyone other relationship I’ve ever had.
Because the relationship being good was based on me
; I was not the best of people before. My entire life I was always using someone in some way to either help or cure, you know anything like that, and it just became different. I got better and I was able to meet him.

Tristan is my best friend. He makes me happy. He never laughs when I cry.

There is nothing I can keep from him.
There is no minute I wouldn’t want to spend with him
. He knows me, and I know him. I love him more than I thought it was ever possible to love someone. He is just the greatest. I know this sounds too cute, but I think it’s good and I’m happy with our relationship. I’m really happy we didn’t move in together before we got married, even though we were pretty close.

Sally’s Story

S
ally first noticed that her Mom was different at the age of six. Her Mom stopped sending her to school, because her Mom was afraid other people were going to harm Sally. Her Mom used to wake her up in the middle of the night to make sure Sally was okay, asking her if anyone had touched her, and checking to see if she had any bruises.

After several attempts by her family to help Sally’s Mom, including trips to mental intuitions, Sally’s mother refused taking medication, and distanced herself from the family, believing that her family was out to get her.

After dealing with drug and alcohol problems Sally began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to recover, and today she has been sober for over five years. Sally works with other suffering alcoholics, and she constantly works on improving herself therapy.

Sally has not had much contact with her Mom over the past seven years, even though she has repeatedly looked for her Mom in the shelters, hospitals, and streets of Philadelphia. In her story, Sally elucidates how she lives a healthy life being the daughter of a Bipolar mother. Sally’s story is awe inspiring, hopeful, and touching.

Sally’s Story

My mom and I were very close until the age of six when she stopped sending me to school, and when this happened I realized something was different about her. My Mom didn't want anyone to get close to me, and this caused her to not send me to school. She didn't want anyone to harm me, or touch me. She just wanted to keep me sheltered and hidden from the world. She wanted to smother me. I guess I didn't understand that at the time, because I was kid, but I remember I did want to go to school. I wanted to interact with other people, and other kids. However, despite this she wouldn't send me to school. I think my family noticed something was not quite right with her either around this time.

We had a very close relationship and for me she was normal, until I started seeing some behaviors in her, which made feel differently toward. For instance, she would wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me if anyone had harmed me. She would ask me if anyone had touched me, or if anyone had done anything to me. Sometimes she would literally stare at me while I slept in bed, and she would just wake me up out of the blue, and I didn’t understand why she was acting like this. This caused me to become a little bit scared of life because I didn’t know what was going on. She would touch me and ask me, “Do you have any bruises?” and she would just freak out. My Mom always thought that people were trying to get her and people were trying to get me. Eventually she started becoming very distant with the family, as she felt our family was after her too. These are the type of Moments I remember as a kid.

Then, I started to act out to get attention. I would tell my family I was going to run away, and this is when my family noticed the erratic behavior with my Mom, and they started to pull me away from her. I was told by others in the family that I was a very bad kid. I would try to run away, or try to do anything so people would actually recognize me.

At a very young age I went through stages of watching my mother going in and out of mental institutions, and I never understood what was going on with her. I simply did not have any comprehension of my world. I remember I just wanted my Mom. And, I was angry because she wasn't normal, and she wasn't there to take care of me and she wasn't there to be a Mom. As a kid I didn’t know why things were they way that they were. I was very confused, I was flustered, and as a result I acted out for whatever attention I could get.

I watched my Mom go in and out of institutions, and I was angry at her, I was angry at my family, I was angry at myself, and I even blamed myself because I thought I was the cause of her mental disorder or whatever was different about my Mom
. I remember longing for a normal Mom. But you see, I wasn’t educated at all on the Bipolar illness, or anything surrounding mental issues, therefore, I didn’t know that my Mom was acting the way she was because she was sick. Ultimately, I was just being a kid.

There are definitely episodes where I saw my Mom act out and try to harm herself. There are times when I saw my Mom sleep for days and days and she would sleep all the time. There were other times when I knew she didn’t take her medication, because when she didn't take her medication, she wanted to be away from our family, because she was paranoid the family was out to get her. Another thing when she didn’t take her medication she would speak to herself, and she would hear voices.

My Mom had me when she was 22, and all of her eccentric behavior probably started in her late 20s early 30s. I don't remember when my Mom got on medication; I just know that they put her on medication when she went to mental institutions. Even then though, I knew my Mom needed to take something to kind of help her when she was acting out. I just thought Mommy has to go to the hospital, or she needs to be on something to help her. That's how I looked at the situation. Nothing was ever explained to me so I just kind of had my own ideas as I grow up. Honestly though, I really thought my Mom was just crazy.

Growing up surrounded by all of this it made me feel very angry, and I remember being fearful at one point because I thought I would be just like her.

Another typical concern derives from the heritable component in manic-depressive illness. Many patients, having grown up in an environment of extreme mood swings, express fear they will end up like the affected parent, especially when that parent has been severely disabled repeatedly hospitalized, or alcoholic. The fear is even greater if the parent committed suicide.

-Goodwin and Jamison 1990:19

And I didn't want to be like her. Thinking that I would be like her would make me sad. I think I was more angry and sad because I was there watching this go on. My Aunt took responsibility of me, she removed me away from seeing this, and I was able to focus on being a kid. But I would say I was very angry as a kid, and sad, and I remember crying a lot whole lot, because I just didn't understand. I didn't understand. I would say to myself,” Why does Mom have to be crazy? Why her?” I just remember feeling that way.