Living Bipolar (12 page)

I'm in recovery in alcoholics anonymous, and I do a 10th step every night, which is important for me in my daily life. The 10th step is taking a daily inventory of all the different things I have done during that day -- if I’ve lied, if I've hurt someone, if I’ve been selfish. The 10
^th
step in A.A. is like a graph of where I am mentally. I can look at the 10
^th
step and know that something is wrong with my illness, even before I may be in a manic state. But people notice it usually before I do.

My friends are very instrumental in keeping me from going out of control, because I'll say an idea that I want to do, and my friends will say no that's the stupidest idea that I've ever heard in my entire life. And I'll realize, yeah that is kind of dumb. My friends help me because they don't judge me. My entire life I’ve always felt judged by others because I was mentally ill. I've had a lot of people leave me because of the Bipolar illness so to cope I used to tell people I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
But my friends now, I've chosen them for a reason, because they don't judge me at all, and they help me no matter what
. They never push me away, never, no matter how out of control that I am, and they will hold me closer when I’m sick. Since so many people have encouraged my insanity in the past because I was fun, my friends now don’t do this and they want the best for me, and it's important for me to look for these types of friends.

I have to find an outlet for my energies so I paint and I write. When I'm really manic I start exercising, and I try to tire myself out running. I try to find a physical outlet for myself mentally, and running has been really helpful. Actually, I find that running is crucial.

The idea of having children is a big concern to me.
I’m afraid to have children because I’m afraid I’ll pass it on to them.
But I wouldn't wish this on anyone else.
For so long the Bipolar illness was my devil, and for this reason I don't think I’ll ever have kids. And truthfully this makes me sad.

Often, too, patients (and their spouses) agonize over the possibility of passing on the illness to children, Joshua Logan, in his autobiography, wrote about this fear, expressed in a conversation between Logan and his first wife:

I asked her if she wanted to have children with me. She said no. I asked why, but she refused to answer….she would never children by me, and I should know why. I look at her blankly, and she added: “I have no wish to bring insane children into this world.”

Goodwin and Jamison 1990: 19.

But being Bipolar is something I can live with. Even though it is an illness, it's not something that's going to kill you
if you learn about it and you're educated about the illness.
I've had a lot of friends who were Bipolar that have taken their own lives, and that's been the hardest thing for me is to see friends commit suicide. Whenever I was suicidal, I can always look back on it, and be afraid today that one day I might not be able to look out of the black hole and I'm just going to be stuck.

If you feel suicidal you should always inform your psychiatrist, therapist, family members and other significant people in your core circle…Don’t stop disclosing your suicidal thoughts because you are afraid of worrying people or hurting their feelings…Err on the side of informing your doctors and significant others, even if you're not sure how serious you are about suicide.

-Miklowitz 2002: 241

In educating myself on the Bipolar illness I've read a lot, and I’ve discussed it with a lot of people. I discussed it with my therapist and I have become educated by her. I’ve extensively researched the medication that I take. I think education is a huge part because once you understand yourself it's not as scary.
An Unquiet Mind
by Kay Jamison was really helpful for me. I like memoirs because they really help me.

The Hope

The hope for other Bipolar people is you can live a full life, and you don't have to hide away, and you don't have to let the Bipolar illness control you. For so long my Bipolar illness has defined who I am. Now it's just a little extra perk. The illness is not who I am. Today I use it to my advantage.
I think that's a big point for other Bipolar people to learn is to mold your mental illness for the way you want to live your life
. Because the illness can be a huge asset. The illness can be an asset because when I am manic I am more creative. When I'm depressed I know what it's like to be depressed, and therefore, I'm more compassionate, and I'm nonjudgmental. You can tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you because I've probably done that and worse.

I think the most beautiful part about the Bipolar illness is I have an open mind
. I have a very, very open mind, and I'm very accepting of a lot of different things, because I’ve put myself through hell and back.
There's a lot of hope for Bipolar people, because there's a lot of functional people and it's not the worst thing in the world because it can be managed
. I think I'm doing pretty well now, as I'm still young, because I'm still learning. I'm glad I’ve discovered this all now.

He began communicating with his doctor truthfully, started taking his medication as prescribe, and changed his way of living to develop a happy and full life.

Ronald’s Story (Bipolar II)

My childhood by all means should have been fantastic. My parents were very loving, I had a younger sister, and even though we fought a lot, it was mostly sibling rivalry. I seldom ever saw my parents fight, and I think there were only a handful of times in my life that I’ve ever seen my parents screaming at each other. My parents were loving, very supportive; and we never had any financial concerns. As a child I never had anything serious to worry about -- except something was wrong with me. Some of the first memories I have, and really for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had very dark, dark, disturbing thoughts.

Thought Disorder, Perception, and Cognition

Disorders of thinking are central to manic-depressive illness. Changes in the rate, quality, and fluency of thought and speech, alterations in associational patterns and logical processes, and impairments in learning and memory are as fundamental to depression and mania as are changes in mood and behavior….

Thought disorder has been used as a general phrase to describe problems in the ability to attend, abstract, conceptualize, express, or continue coherent thought.

At one time more generally described -- “Kraepelin thought of the patient’s thought and speech as a train which kept derailing, Bleuler’s image was that of a torn and poorly mended fabric” (Andreasen, 1984)

Goodwin and Jamison 1990: 248-249

My mom was diagnosed as being Bipolar long after I had been diagnosed as Bipolar. My family history is my grandmother was treated with electroshock therapy long before I was born; my uncle killed himself at the age of 19. So mental illness is prevalent on my mom’s side of the family. When I was seven or eight my grandmother died, and I remember one day hearing her voice in my head, and an hour later I found out she died. After this when I would hear someone’s voice in my head of someone I knew, and I would get freaked out thinking they were going to die. But I never heard voices of people talking to me, or telling me, to do anything.

After my grandmother died, a year later another grandparent died, and during my childhood there were deaths every single year. I’ve never been to a wedding, and instead, I grew up going to funerals. This led me to become very dark and morbid, as death was a big event for me in childhood.

Growing up I always had trouble sleeping, and I've always been a night person. My biological clock is opposite of other normal people. Even as a baby I would be up all night in my crib. Also, I used to complain of stomachaches all the time. I would get this physical feeling in my stomach. My mom took me to the doctor and the doctors actually thought I had ulcers. I was put on some medication I had to drink for a long time.

Looking back though, I think it was just my depression that caused me to feel this way. It's almost as if I had really disturbing mental images that manifested themselves as a physical feeling. A predominant disturbing image I’ve had, for instance, was I would imagine what it would feel like to have an ax put into my forehead, like someone literally put an ax in my head. My memory today is very poor, and I only remember bits and pieces from my child hood, but I know I was tormented quite often by my thoughts as a child, which I felt in a physical sensation.

In elementary school I always had a lot of friends, but I was not the most popular kid in class. I had a close circle of friends, and we were not the jocks, we were not the preppy kids, but we just fit into our own little group. We used to have sleepovers, and oftentimes before I went, I got these stomach aches, and I would become so nervous sometimes I wouldn’t go.

I also used to have an almost running dialogue with God. Because I thought I was doing something really wrong because of my thinking, I would say to myself something like "I promise, swear, and vow, God over these really horrible dark thoughts that I have." I thought because of these dark thoughts that I was doing something wrong, and consequently, I was trying to convince God that the dark thoughts were not true. I grew up Catholic, so there was a lot of shame and guilt handed down to me.

I wasn’t always miserable, and sometimes I was happy. In fact, there were times when I was incredibly happy. I cried a lot as a kid though, and I was always very emotional. In fact, still to this day I cry very easily. My mood was never consistent though, and for the majority of my life I've had disturbed thinking. My thinking was obsessive as a kid, such as, the running dialogue thoughts I had with God. I was obsessively honest as a kid, but I was also very worried and very afraid. I was afraid of germs, and I would ask my mom, “I touched this am I going to die?” “I ate this am I going to die?” “There is a spot on my arm is it going to kill me?”

For some reason death was always a predominant thought in my head. I thought about suicide before I knew what suicide was. I don’t remember at what age, but at a younger age, my mom told me my uncle killed himself at the age of 19 or 20 by killing himself. By learning that my uncle died from suicide it changed my mentality; and it put the idea of suicide in my head. Later I think my mom regretted telling me this.

From then on the idea of suicide became my escape, and it was something that made me feel better. For me the idea of suicide was the ultimate power, and I told myself if things got really bad I could do it. I would say to myself if this happens I can kill myself. I felt better knowing that I had that kind of power. If a certain situation occurred I knew I could kill myself and suicide was the way the solution for my troubles. It made me feel-good and at ease considering it as an option.

When I was 12 my grandfather, who I was very close to, came to live with us because he had cancer, and he couldn't take care of himself. Once he was there I saw him dying slowly over time. He moved into the downstairs bedroom and we had a hospital bed set up for him. One night we were sitting around the dinner table, and I just broke down in tears for no apparent reason at all. At this point I finally admitted to my parents I was depressed. I had held this feeling inside me for so long because I thought I was crazy. Since I believed I was crazy I was fearful if I told other people how I was felling I would be placed into a psych ward for the rest of my life.

Following the incident with my grandfather my parents took me to a doctor, and I was diagnosed with depression, OCD, and ADHD.

Prevalence

It is difficult to determine the prevalence of Bipolar Disorder. This is because the diagnosis is not usually established at the time of initial presentation. While mania is clearly a core feature of Bipolar I disorder, hypomania (a core feature of Bipolar II disorder) may be missed or dismissed as a personality characteristic. Most patients with Bipolar disorder seek help from primary care physicians when they are depressed, thus, a possible diagnosis of Bipolar disorder may be overlooked.

-Keck and Suppes 2005: 2-2

The doctors put me on Prozac and Ritalin. The Ritalin helped me a lot in school. The Prozac helped me immensely with the depressive side most of the time but not always. But I hated seeing the doctors. Once I got put on the medication and had to see the doctor, my goal was to get in and out as quick as possible. Consequently, I don’t remember being completely truthful with my doctors.

The medicine was not perfect but it did help. Especially with the obsessiveness. I quit washing my hands as much, and I used to wash my hands until the knuckles bleed. I used to also pick very heavily at my fingers. For the next several years of my life there were lots of ups and downs. Things in my life were not bad after I'd been put on medication for several years. I would still have dark thoughts sometimes, and I was probably on Prozac until I was 19 or 20.

As a kid I moved back and forth from Maryland to Colorado because of my dad's job. I grew up with half my life in Colorado and half of my life in Maryland. From fourth grade until eighth grade I lived in Maryland, and I was in Maryland when I first got depressed starting around the fifth grade.

Growing up I had a lot of fears and insecurities. I went to an all-male high school which first was intimidating because I was wondering how I was going to meet a girl. After ninth grade I got a girlfriend, and once I was with her I was never alone again, moving from one relationship to the next. I got into heavy metal music, and I wanted to fit in but I wanted to be different at the same time. Because I didn’t fit into any group with other people -- to compensate, I took to heavy metal music which fit in with my personality because I was a very angry kid.

I’m not quite sure what exactly I was angry at, but I remember being very angry at the Catholic Church. Looking back I guess the Catholic Church just gave me something to be angry at. I never felt God took anybody from me, and I never God took anything from me, but I found faults with the Catholic Church such as priests molest children. The Catholic Church gave me a channel to funnel my angry through. I took theology my freshman or sophomore year in high school and that's when my hate for the Catholic Church began. I even wanted to go through the process being unconfirmed, and even though I never went through the process I denounced the church anyway.