Live Long, Die Short (28 page)

Meditation is a powerful and ancient tool for orienting ourselves in this present moment. So simple yet with profound effects, meditation is the object of renewed interest, yet it still remains misunderstood by most of us in the West. Simply bringing our awareness to the present moment so completely as to nudge our ever-present thoughts into the background, meditation is a foreign concept to those of us who inhabit a frenetic, achievement-oriented world. Awareness without thought—simple and difficult.

Most meditation leaders advise sitting quietly and bringing awareness to the breath: not assessing how much or how fast, but just observing breathing in and out. Although to our get-things-done world this seems useless, frivolous, or even ridiculous, the result of spending time in a present, quiet place, even just seconds, will shock the most suspicious and skeptical of us. Brain research on meditation has documented its stimulus of the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with positive emotions, self-control, and even temperament.
¹⁰
Additionally, it is associated with “taming” the amygdala, which is the hub of fear memory, resulting in less likelihood of anger, frustration, shock, and even surprise.
¹¹

It appears, then, that quieting our chattering mind is not only associated with better health and aging but also, from an evolutionary standpoint, a more natural human state. In fact, as Eckhart Tolle tells us, we have never lived a moment that was not the present. We may have allowed our thoughts to remove us from that moment, but all life is lived in the present. The trick, then, is to spend more time there—i.e., to
be there.

Mabes is ninety and has lived a life packed with more experience than five typical lives. She sums it up this way: “I was born laughing and I hope to die laughing.” She grew up in an abusive household, the youngest of three. Her mother died under suspicious circumstances when Mabes was ten. When she was thirteen, she ran away from her home to live with her aunt and
uncle. She also began working at thirteen in order to buy books for high school. Mabes graduated valedictorian of her class and won a scholarship to college. Just before she was to graduate from college, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, and she decided to leave school to enlist in the military, but a professor convinced her she would be more valuable to her country if she had a diploma. Immediately after graduation, she joined the coast guard, went to officer training school, and became a search-and-rescue boat captain assigned to San Francisco Bay. She served until the end of the war and then joined the CIA. After an assignment in Italy, she was posted in Japan, where she met her husband and gave birth to her only child, her son. She accompanied her husband, who worked for the US State Department, to Spain, Argentina, Venezuela, and then back to the States, where after over twenty years of marriage, her husband filed for divorce.

Today, she lives in a retirement community in Delaware, and her son, her only family, lives in Seattle. Despite this, Mabes is not “retired” and refuses to be lonely. She drives a yellow VW Beetle, is currently learning Swahili, and is taking two other courses at the local college: “History of WWII” and “The Bible as Literature.” She rides a stationary bike regularly, belongs to a book club, and crafts jewelry. She has traveled much, and not with tours. She has traveled by paddleboat in Ecuador, gone down the Amazon in a canoe, been to Italy to “restore” her Italian, and also traveled to Switzerland, Mexico, and parts of South America.

Recognizing that, as Mabes herself says, “we make our own heaven or hell on this earth,” however, she has taken measures to preserve her inner peace. She watches no television (other than a sporting event six times a year), walks daily, and has decided not to use a computer. “I haven’t sold my soul to any religion,” she says, but she follows many of the beliefs of Buddhism. She is a vegetarian. But it is yoga, she says, that changed her life. Many years ago, she developed rheumatoid arthritis and began having difficulty moving. She discovered yoga in Venezuela and has actively practiced it for decades. She, in fact, teaches yoga to her neighbors three times weekly. In Venezuela, her teacher accepted no payment but the promise to teach yoga to others. She has done that, never accepting any payment for her instruction. She appeared on
The Today Show
, where she showed remarkably more flexibility than her two hosts, who were decades younger. Watching her teach, I saw her lean and flexible body do things I don’t believe someone decades younger could do. Her face was serene and glowing.

When asked what advice she would give to others about aging, she quickly responds. “You can cope with anything. Things will get better if
you help.” She advises everyone to accept aging as part of life, but not to concentrate on it. “Keep playing, laughing, singing, dancing, and moving.” To sum up, she smiles and says, “Make sure you
grow
old.”

Masterpiece Living Pearls for Being Wherever You Are

1. Learn to spot the threat. As Eckhart Tolle tells us, be the watcher of your mind. Rather than let your thoughts become the driver of your emotions and then of your physiology, observe your mind as it begins to get wound up with worry and negativity. Just observing your thoughts and mind puts you back in control so that those thoughts do not trigger the stress response, cause you to “lose it,” or cause you to be removed from this important and sacred moment. Don’t judge your mind, just observe.
   Wow, look how my mind is getting itself all out of joint over this thing.
   This reminds you that
   you are not your mind
   and therefore that you can guide and control what and how you think and, consequently, your stress response and whether or not you are
   in the moment
   , where the beauty and joy of life resides.
   
2. Look for those things that bring you comfort and joy. Not necessarily pleasure—that comes from outside of us—but joy, which comes from within. What activities cause you to lose track of time? To feel totally in sync with the world? To feel contentment? To feel energized? Is it painting, or a craft, or walking with the dog? Or perhaps listening to music, or reading, or observing nature, or being with your grandchild? Or is it being involved with your faith or doing another religious activity? Whenever you catch yourself feeling elated, free of the sense of urgency or time crunch, note it. And plan to spend time doing those things, even if you think they are silly or frivolous. Nothing is frivolous if it brings you closer to the mystery of a life fulfilled. Only you can discover and know what it is that will bring you this joy, and help you be wherever you are, rather than make you feel kidnapped by your chattering mind.
   
3. Consider meditation. As mentioned in Tip Three, meditation is associated with positive physical changes in the brain and may actually slow the brain atrophy that can come with age.
   ¹²
   It’s no big deal—really. All meditation requires is a few minutes to start with. You can sit on the floor on a cushion, but that’s not necessary. You don’t have to fold
   your legs up behind your neck. You can just sit up straight in a chair. Then, all you have to do is to focus your attention on your breath. “I’m breathing in. I’m breathing out.” Very quickly your mind will start to do its thing: This is stupid. Am I doing this right? What’s supposed to happen? When this occurs, and it will, guide your focus gently back to your breath and continue. Don’t beat yourself up; just focus again, and again if necessary. Pay attention to your breath for two minutes and then extend the time as you get better. Or focus on a flower or a candle, and
   see
   it, study it, without judgment. Just notice the shadows, the color, the movement. You will find great peace and contentment as you are able to become more highly aware without thought, a time of “no mind,” for longer and longer periods. You will feel less driven by your thoughts, and more in control. Pick up some instruction in meditation. You will find it both easy and rewarding.
   
4. Consider yoga, or tai chi, or qigong. Each of these has the power to calm your runaway thoughts, bring peace, and assist you to be present—i.e., to have awareness without thought. Additionally, they improve balance, strength, and flexibility—all important for aging successfully. Take a class, read some instruction, or have a friend show you. You will be delighted with the results.
   
5. As you go about your day, rather than have your chattering mind rush you to get things done, or worry, or think about anything other than what you are doing, take control. Be mindful, highly aware. As you climb stairs, feel your muscles as they lift you, be aware of breath being more rapid, pay attention to your arms. As you wash your hands, feel the water running over your fingers. Smell the soap. Be aware of your hand moving over the other hand. Your old self would have been absent from these actions, thinking of something else. Nothing would have been accomplished and you would have missed the great satisfaction and peace that comes with being there when you climbed the stairs, or washed your hands.
   
6. When you are attempting to be creative or solve a problem, every five minutes or so return to where you are. Be present, really see something around you, or feel your body sitting, or watch that tree limb move in the wind, and then get back to your problem solving or creating. You will find yourself more creative and the problem’s solution will be more accessible.
   
7. When you encounter a problem, realize there are only three ways to deal with it: fix it if you can; walk away; or accept it. That’s it.
   Fix it, leave it, or accept it.
   All else is madness and the source of pain, suffering, and stress-related disease.
   
8. Give up the need to be right!
   This trait, common to most of us, is alone responsible for prodigious amounts of pain and suffering, lowered quality of relationships, muted creativity, less effective work environments, and decreased overall quality of living. Begin today. On one small issue this very day, consider that you might be in error. Avoid building walls around your opinion and listen,
   truly listen
   , to the other possibilities and remain open to them.
   
9. Remember, you are not on this earth to rush around until you die. You are here to live your life, which can only be lived in
   this moment
   , not in the future or in the past or lost in racing thoughts.
   

Your happiness does not depend upon reaching your goal, but upon setting a goal, and working toward it.
—JONATHAN LOCKWOOD HUIE

A
fter I had made my presentation, the man approached me. He shook my hand with confidence and firmness. “You talk about purpose,” he said. “Let me tell you, I worked damn hard my whole life. I was pretty successful, too.” He waited for my nod before continuing. “Well, now I’m retired. My kids are all educated with good jobs and married. The dog just died, and … you know what?” My eyes inquired. “I don’t need any more purpose. I’m done with that stuff.”

My reaction to this was sadness. Where does this colossal misunderstanding come from? How can rational humans, having had purpose drive their entire lives, think that now they can wander through the rest of their lives with only comfort and recreation in mind? As if this post-retirement phase (which is getting longer all the time) is a cruise ship? Of course, it’s easy to see why that might be appealing after decades of responsibility and struggle. After perhaps ten thousand days or more of rising from sleep with things to do, we can be easily seduced into thinking that living the rest of our lives without a to-do list would suit us. However, most of us cannot escape the need for a raison d’être. Ultimately, our previous attachment to
a purpose for getting out of bed in the morning will surface once again. Without a purpose, we are like a ship without a course, without a compass. We will run with the wind, and never feel the thrill of tacking into that same wind, making headway despite challenges.

Erik Erikson, in his classic 1950 book,
Childhood and Society
, defined eight stages of psychosocial development.
¹
He explains that the seventh stage, Generativity vs. Stagnation, occurs between ages twenty-five and sixty-four and is characterized by many young-adult tasks, such as raising children and reversing roles with parents. However, there are several tasks that occur later in this time period: achieving mature social and civic responsibility, adjusting to the physical changes of aging, and using leisure time creatively. I believe that with the prolongation of life expectancy and the delay and redefining of retirement, these last tasks are now the work of people older than sixty-four.
Generativity
was defined by Erikson as “a concern for establishing and guiding the next generation,” but he acknowledged that it could be expressed in many ways, including making a difference with one’s life, or giving back, or taking care of one’s community and planet. The main question of this period, then, is “Can I make my life count?” If indeed you accept that these are questions of older adults, then it is easy to see why a life of recreation, comfort, and security alone is likely to come up short when evaluated through the lens of generativity.