Live By The Team (Team Fear Book 1) (36 page)

It sucked to eat crow. “Thanks for that.”

“
Did it hurt to say?”

“
Fuck you.” The weight of their situation pressed on Ryder’s chest until he felt dizzy with lack of oxygen. “The women locked down?”

“
Yeah, but I don’t think they understand the ramifications of the situation.”

“
Neither do we.” Ryder forced a deep breath until the panic that threatened had ebbed. For six months, Ryder had surreptitiously watched his teammates fall apart. He hadn’t found a way to protect them from the shit that followed them from Afghanistan. Fact was, he couldn’t. Not alone. “The company found a way to trigger a psychotic episode, using the crap they loaded us with and some unknown substance. I’m still not one hundred percent. Still feel the edge of panic.” He rubbed under his chest where his heart pounded. “It’s like an overdose causes the opposite effect. Too much fear. I couldn’t think straight or see straight. Shaking like a damn junkie and my heart felt ready to explode. If you hadn’t shown up…” Ryder couldn’t finish that sentence. “We have to assume they dosed Madigan and Gault both.”

“
Madigan killed his wife, while Gault left the house loaded for bear and landed in a shootout with police.”

“
Suicide by cop.”

“
I never believed that shit. Gault was the most levelheaded of all of us.” Rose scrubbed the heel of his hand into his eyes. “If we hadn’t shown up, do you think you could have killed Lauren?”

Fear manacled his throat, so when he spoke, his voice was rough and low. “No.”

“
Is that what you want to believe or what you know.”

There was no easy answer to that question. Lauren refused to believe he’d hurt her, but he had been seeing all kinds of crazy images in his head.

When Ryder didn’t answer, Rose cursed. “Jesus, Ry, we can’t go home. Ever. Hell, I’m not even sure we should be allowed to live.”

“
Bag that.” Lauren kept him sane. She’d reached him when he’d become a monster. She didn’t back down, but more to the point, he hadn’t attacked her. Everything in his body went caveman protective over his woman. “I wouldn’t hurt Lauren. I’d end myself first.” Rose simply hung his head low. Ryder stood and shoved Rose across the room. “Quit buying into their mindfuck.”

“
We’re medical misfits. Medically unfit, just like the discharge papers say,” Rose shouted back, anger in every syllable. The air around him vibrated with rage. He took a deep breath and continued in measured tones. “Sure, it was the company’s fault, but we volunteered. The side effects never stopped. The fearlessness didn’t stop. With or without the drugs, we are still a danger to ourselves and others.”

“
Only if they give us whatever the fuck they gave me.” After seeing Mad Dog’s crazy eyes, Ryder had believed himself a monster. Trained by the Amy, enhanced by medical experimentation, and tested in war. He’d been afraid—the fucking irony—that he’d destroy Lauren when in fact she had saved him. His body shivered at the memory of her hand on him when he’d nearly killed Earl. When he’d nearly lost his humanity. “We’re not safe. Our families aren’t safe. Callahan was watching Lauren when I was nowhere around. She wasn’t safer without me. At some point, if I hadn’t come home, they’d have used her for leverage. What would you do if they went after your sisters?”

A muscle twitched under Rose’s left eye. You could almost see the thoughts flipping through his brain. “Guess I don’t have the luxury of losing it today.” Rose paced the musty brown carpet for several minutes. “The only way to stop them is to figure out who they are. What they want.”

“
Now you’re talking.” Ryder clapped Rose on the shoulder. All these months, he’d tried to carry the load on his own. They worked better as a team. “See if Craft can rig a secure video conference with the rest of the team, and—”

Lauren walked inside and held a keycard like a security badge.

Rose straightened to his full six foot six. “You stole my key?”

An innocent smile lifted her lips. “I need to talk to my husband and you said no.”

“
Sweetheart, I’ve got my eyes on you.”

Lauren swallowed, her throat flexing around a large lump. Instead of a reply, she went to Rose and wrapped her arms around the big man’s waist. “Thank you for coming the other night.”

“
We’re a team, sweetheart, so I will be there every time.” Rose gave her a gentle pat before setting her away from him. He turned back to Ryder. “Fowler and I will make a food run.”

Ryder glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. “Briefing at eighteen hundred local.”

Rose gave a mock salute before heading out, the DO NOT DISTURB sign flapping as the door slammed closed.

Ryder’s blood pressure skyrocketed. He hadn’t seen her since the night he’d gone crazy. The day in the barn, he’d given her a choice, but with the drugs still screwing with his mind, he didn’t know which way she’d go. The adrenaline pumping through his system was true fear. He wasn’t sure he liked it. “Give me a few minutes to clean up.”

Lauren sidestepped into his path on the way to the shower. “I won’t let you avoid me.”

“
Would I do that?”

“
In a heartbeat,” she said, mimicking his words from the other day. The hand she placed on his chest stilled him, but inside, his heart threatened to burst through his chest wall. The ground shifted underfoot and his stomach twisted like the day he’d lost most of his Special Forces team. The clusterfuck that led him to agree join Team Fear. “I said it was your choice, I know I did, but—”

“
Stop.” She caressed his chest until her hand landed over his left pec. The
ka-thunk
of his uncertain heart pounded against her palm. “What are you afraid of?”

“
I—” The list was too fucking long.

“
Finish. The sentence.”

“
I hope this fear shit wears off soon.”

Her faint smile didn’t reach her sad eyes. “That wasn’t what you were going to say.”

“
When they had you, when I got that call, fear coated my tongue and cheeks and throat.” The memory of it wouldn’t fade.

“
How is that possible?”

“
We don’t know, but we need to find out. Team Echo is out there. The company wants us gone. There’s no telling how my body will react to the dosing. I don’t know if it will fade or make me a volatile madman.”

“
You weren’t a madman.”

“
You saw me. I was a lunatic.”

“
And you walked away. You didn’t hurt me.”

He put his hand over her cold fingers, over his heart, and made a vow. “I will protect you.”

“
Oh, baby, I know.”

The way she used his term of endearment settled the erratic emotions beating through Ryder’s blood. Her very presence soothed the wildness.

Tears glistened in her eyes. She tucked herself into him, burrowed into his soul as her head tucked under his chin. “What are you afraid of?”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Her words echoed. He was supposed to be fearless, and the assholes on Team Echo hadn’t done him any favors by dosing him with something that brought the fear alive. Losing Lauren, that was the ultimate fear. “The choice is yours, I promised to abide by your decision, but your answer—” He coughed against the lump clogging his throat. “I’m afraid you’ll go.” He wrapped his arms around her slender frame, careful not to break her. “Afraid you’ll stay.”

Tears wet his t-shirt under the face hidden in her hair. “What does that even mean?”

“
What if they hurt you to get to me? What if I hurt you because of something they did to me?” He couldn’t live with either.

“
If I’m with you, they won’t get near me. That’s a fact. I don’t care what kind of training they’ve had. You’re fierce. And there is no way you would hurt me. Everything you’ve done since you’ve been back has been about protecting me. It’s ingrained in your DNA. No one could make it past your defenses. Not even you.”

“
I wish I could be sure.”

“
I can be sure enough for both of us. For six months, I lived without you. I won’t do it again. You’re mine.”

His heart shifted, moving back where it belonged, and the world stopped shifting under his feet. Lauren centered him, and she was right. He’d do anything to protect her, even face his creators. “I love you.”

For a moment, she froze, and then she wiped her wet cheek against his shirt. “It’s about damned time.”

Ryder leaned back and tilted her chin. “What does that mean?”

Puffy, red-rimmed eyes met his gaze. “You haven’t said it since you’ve been back.” She wiped the moisture from her face. “I wondered if what they did inhibited all emotion until you didn’t—” A hiccup interrupted her words. “Until you couldn’t love me anymore.” She levered up to press her lips softly against his. “I needed to hear those words from you, more than I knew.”

He hadn’t wanted to give the words, because love was a promise, one he wasn’t sure he could freely give, but for Lauren, he’d try. “You know what I want more than anything right now?”

A saucy grin sparked in her eyes. “Me?”

He shook his head no. “Three square meals and a roof over my head.”

“
Really? I hear prison is lovely this time of year.”

“
There are worse things than prison.” Although he hoped he didn’t have to find out firsthand. “Living when half my Special Forces team died ate me up inside and sent me to Team Fear. I was willing to risk anything to never feel that loss again. Even let the researchers turn me into a killing machine.”

“
Quit. Whatever you did when you were on missions or on your last deployment, those things were authorized and for the benefit of the Army and your fellow soldiers. Since you’ve been back, you haven’t killed anyone without cause. It’s time to let the guilt go.”

“
You’re pretty smart for a girl,” he teased, knowing she’d react.

“
Shut up.” She smacked his side, and then burrowed in. They stood for long moments, soaking each other in like air. “I watched my mother grieve, and I never understood how lost she felt. How alone. I thought she’d given up. It wasn’t fair to her or myself.” Lauren ran a finger along his jaw. “I could live without you, but I don’t want to. The months you were gone...” Her voice choked off.

Ryder jerked his head in agreement. The past six months had been purgatory, not knowing if he could hurt her the way Madigan had hurt Maggie, not knowing if he’d become a monster. Those things haunted him, but worse than being apart from her would be never having met her. “Fearlessness brought me to you. I can’t regret anything I did that led me to you. Without the meds, I never would have pursued you. Without Team Fear, I never would have moved to Texas. I’d never have met you.”

“
You always know what to say.” She ran one soft fingertip over his lower lip. “I love you Sergeant Ryder.”

“
I love you more, Mrs. Ryder.”

“
Think so?” Lauren stepped back and yanked off her t-shirt. She wore a bright red bra that matched her scarlet cowboy boots. “After the week I’ve had, I’m going to need a demonstration.”

“
How long have you been hiding that bra?” If he had his way, she’d never wear anything else. Her heavy breasts spilled their creamy goodness over the red lace, and the outline of her pink nipples turned his dick to flint. Hard and ready to spark. Ryder’s tongue turned to jerky. He put a finger under the waistband of her jeans and yanked her close. “You wearing matching panties?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Only one way to find out, soldier.”

“
Challenge accepted.” Ryder stripped off her jeans before she had time to object. She stood there in matching bra and panties, and the cowboy boots that had caught his attention that first night. Pale skin, soft curves, and a whole lot of Texas attitude. His erection pressed painfully against the zipper of his jeans. He ran a hand down her midline, from the center diamond in her bra to the silk bow on her panties. The muscles under his rough fingers twitched at his touch. “Baby, you’re gorgeous.”

“
You’re overdressed.” She ran a hand up his chest, around his shoulder and down his arms. She moaned as her hands explored. “Want help with that?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but tunneled her hands under the cotton of his shirt, the moves a slow striptease. Her hands explored him like he’d hidden the keys to the universe on his person and she was on the hunt. Removing his shirt was secondary to driving him to an early grave. She circled his back before lowering her hands into the waistband of his jeans, her fingertips teasing. “You have such a nice ass.” She kneaded the skin, digging into the muscles. Ryder’s hips jerked. With great attention to detail—like she loved the job—she pressed and teased and explored her way around the waistband until she unsnapped the first button. Rather than unzip, she pressed the palm of her hand down the seam of his jeans. His hips jerked harder, his cock jumping and pressing against her hand, the denim stretched over his erection.