Little Red Gem (2 page)

Getting out of the car, I
felt sick racing up my esophagus, so I ran down the incline and
spent the next few minutes with my head in the bushes puking up the
residual crumbs of mint-favored candy. Stupid how a girl could be
in the middle of nature and still look for a tissue to wipe her
face with. I found nothing to sanitize my face, but my search did
reveal a wooden cross staked into the ground. It was painted white,
about two feet tall, and had dozens of dates carved into it. Tied
around the cross were a handful of gold-colored roses, silk or
plastic from the look of them. Beneath the flowers, and stapled to
the cross was a laminated newspaper clipping.

Leo appeared at my side
just as I’d finished reading the clipping.

“
What does it say?” he
asked.

“
A woman died in a car
accident in this exact spot. Her boyfriend erected the cross as a
symbol of his undying love.”

“
Maybe her car hit an oily
patch on the road, too,” Leo said.

He popped a mint in his
mouth and held out his hand. Was he offering me his hand or a mint?
I never could tell lately what was on Leo’s mind. I wished I could
read his mind. I also wished he could read mine.

“
You all right?” Leo said.
“You look a little shaken.”

I stared at him and
thought to myself:
No, I am not all
right
.

Two weeks ago I’d skipped
my period. Since then I hadn’t been able to look at anything the
same way. A burger was no longer a tasty lunch; it was an animal
that had once lived. A black bear was no longer a pest who broke
into trash cans; it was a product of a species that placed material
objects above that species’ home. All of my innocent and inept
teenage philosophies about life and death and everything in between
had come barging toward me demanding I set down some new rules. The
top of the list of discussion points was: When did a boyfriend stop
being a boyfriend?

I hadn’t yet decided on
the answer but the top two contenders were: 1) when he became a
father; and 2) when he found out his girlfriend was pregnant and
became an ex-boyfriend.

Why did the first adult
decision of my life have to also be the biggest? And why, despite
the two smiling faces captured in the photos stashed deep in my
bag, did it feel as if this decision was mine alone to
make?

Overwhelmed, I burst into
tears. Leo slipped his arms around me and hugged me tightly to his
chest.

“
Hey, it’s okay. We
weren’t in any kind of danger. Those cars were way off. But babe,
if it makes you feel any better, I promise not to drive and talk on
the phone at the same time. You know I’ll do whatever it takes to
make you happy.”

As Leo led me back to the
car I let myself believe that our souls and hearts were like
grafted plants or symbiotic life forces, too deeply entwined to let
anyone or anything threaten to destroy us. But something already
had.

Chapter
Two

“
Amazing Grace, how sweet
the sound,

That saved a wretch like
me.

I once was lost, but now
am found,

Was blind but now I
see...”

A solitary tear trickled
down Mrs. Upton’s wrinkled cheek. Her bony fingers were wrapped
around a floral handkerchief, yet in the all the months we’d been
singing to the small group of elderly ladies at Heavenlea Home,
she’d never once used the handkerchief to dry her eyes. I admired
the strength it took for her to set her memories unashamedly
free.

The smile on her lips
broke occasionally to mouth the bits of the song she remembered.
Mrs. Upton’s hearing was so bad, she told everyone, that she needed
to sit in the front row. A staff member had told me once that Mrs.
Upton was of the view that sitting closer to us would bring her
closer to her late husband.

Natalie, Shanessa, and I
loved performing
Amazing Grace
for her because it gave our all-girl band a free
venue to practice in, just not over and over like she always
wanted.

“
How long do we have to
keep coming here?” Natalie had asked a few minutes ago.

Natalie had pulled her
hair out of her ponytail and shook it free the minute she’d
switched off the car’s engine. Then, she’d rummaged inside her
handbag and given her lips a liberal dose of Hibiscus Red. She had
trouble settling on a look sometimes and today was no
different.

“
You got something against
singing to little old ladies?” I’d asked, holding my hand out to
borrow the lipstick only to be handed her hair tie
instead.

“
Really, Ruby,” Natalie
had said with a derisive look. “Hibiscus Red with your
hair?”

I’d smiled playfully. “Why
not? Red hair and red lips go perfectly well together. You are so
behind the times.”

It didn’t matter what look
Natalie settled on, I’d given up competing with her sense of style
long ago, which explained why I’d dressed in a polka dot dress with
capped sleeve like the ones Walt Disney had designed for Snow
White. And as if to confirm that I had absolutely no fashion sense,
I’d also worn red leggings and flat-heeled mid-knee-high
boots.

“
Don’t be so mean,
Natalie. It’s the highlight of their week,” Shanessa had said.
She’d swiped at the lipstick and stuffed it inside her pocket: the
surest way of getting Natalie to settle on a color.

“
It’s good practice,” I’d
reminded them. “Besides, every great act has to start
somewhere.”

Natalie had been aghast.
“Ruby, if you think Violet Dreamy Youth singing
Amazing Grace
over and over to a
group of old women is gonna be on our bio, you’re crazier than I
give you credit for.”

We three had laughed
goodheartedly because this conversation was nothing new. We’d all
rather have been rehearsing at Rock-A-Lilly’s or on a stage
somewhere, preferably Madison Square Garden, but at least I’d
thought performing for a small group of old ladies who had no
family left was a sweet thing to do.

Now, the small group of
old ladies who had no family left waited expectantly for us to
start the second verse:

“
Twas grace that taught my
heart to fear,

And grace my fears
relieved.

How precious did that
grace appear,

The hour I first
believed…”

I caught Mrs. Upton’s eye
and she nodded, as if she and I shared a secret from the past. Both
my parent’s parents were dead, so in a way she could have been the
closest thing I’d get to a grandmother. I smiled back and sang even
louder. After
Amazing Grace
we sang a selection of their favorites, amongst
them
Boogie Woogie Bugle
Boy
,
I Just
Called To Say I Love You
, and
I Got You Babe.

Mrs. Upton usually liked
to delay our departure by acquainting us with the grand adventures
of Mr. Upton. Today, she abstained from talking about her late
husband and singled me out instead.

“
Are you all right, Ruby?
You seem distracted. And a little off color.”

“
Don’t mind Ruby, Mrs.
Upton,” said Natalie with a playful laugh. “She’s pining over her
boyfriend. He’s gone away for a boy’s weekend. There’s no cell
service and no girls allowed.”

Shanessa dragged Natalie
out into the foyer for whatever reason, and because I felt a thread
of connection still hovering between us, I sought Mrs. Upton
out.

“
Mrs. Upton, can I ask you
a question?”

Her face brightened as she
waved me into the empty seat. In front of her sat a tea pot and
cup, decorated with an almost identical floral pattern to her
handkerchief. “What did you want to ask me?”

I bit my lower lip. “It’s
personal.”

She winked. “The good
questions usually are.”

I sat down and waited
until she’d poured tea into her delicate cup, suddenly having
second thoughts. She put the pot on the table and stared
expectantly at me. I’d thought talking to a stranger might be
easier. It wasn’t.

“
You always talk about Mr.
Upton, but you never talk about children.”

I detected a harsh edge to
her voice when she answered. “That’s because I don’t have
any.”

“
Oh. If you don’t mind me
asking, how long were you and Mr. Upton married?”

“
Fifty years.” Her smile
quivered in wariness. “If there’s something you want to ask me,
just ask. One of the disadvantages of being old is you no longer
have the time or energy to beat around the bush.”

“
Sorry. I’m just sorting
things out in my head.”

If only she’d stop staring
at me like she had accusations ready to leap out of her mouth. I
must have been imaging it. This was Mrs. Upton, the nice old lady
who liked us to sing songs that reminded her of her departed
husband. Not my judge and jury.

“
How did you know that you
and Mr. Upton would be together forever?”

She reached for a spoon
and the sugar bowl, and took her time to stir through two teaspoons
of sugar. After an eternity, she turned her gaze to me. “I guess we
didn’t know, but we worked hard at our marriage. It wasn’t like
today where you can get divorced the moment you discover too late
that your husband has issues. Back then, you had to live with your
choices.”

Mrs. Upton’s shoulders
slumped and I suspected she was divulging something very personal
about her past. A chill settled on me. I’d only wanted to ask the
secret to a lasting relationship, not open what now appeared to be
old wounds.

She took a sip of her tea
and talked over the rim of the cup. “You asked me before about
children. Now that you’ve opened that door, I’ll let you in. People
these days think nothing of telling everyone they suffer from
depression. But in my day, it was seen as a sign of weakness. Mr.
Upton was a good man, but he was not a good provider. Couldn’t keep
a job due to his mood swings. We would have been out on the streets
if it wasn’t for the inheritance he’d received at twenty-one. But
the money didn’t last long, especially not after the drinking
began. I was forced to return to my job as a secretary. I resented
him for deceiving me.” She set the cup down and her voice suddenly
raised a notch. “You shouldn’t present yourself as something you’re
not.”

I realized too late that I
shouldn’t have brought up the subject. It wasn’t like I knew her
well, or at all, except as a member of a small audience that my
friends and I sang to for thirty minutes most Saturday
mornings.

She regained her
composure. “I resented it so badly I did the only thing I could
think to do to punish him. I refused to give him the children he
desperately wanted. It wasn’t until he died that I realized the
only person I punished was me. That’s why I ask you girls to
sing
Amazing Grace
. Not to remind me of Mr. Upton. But to remind me of the
terrible sin I will never be able to repay.”

I stared at her,
speechless, knowing I’d never again label her as a sweet old lady.
And to think, I’d come close to considering her a substitute
grandmother. She was as bitter from love as the next
woman.

Natalie arrived seconds
later to tell me we were ready to leave, and I was glad to go. Mrs.
Upton’s confession had only succeeded in troubling me
further.

When we pulled up in front
of my house I counted three cars – one in the drive and two on the
front lawn.

“
Wanna come to my place
instead?” Shanessa whispered into my ear.

“
Tempting, but I’ll be
fine.”

Mom’s book club luncheons
could get a little rowdy and I was rarely in the mood to tolerate
this bunch of ladies, however, Mrs. Upton’s confession had managed
to cast my mother in a new light, almost super-nova-like by
comparison. I opened the front door and their laughter cracked as
loud as a gunshot, yet it never failed to warm my heart to hear my
mother laughing.

She and her friends were
out in the garden, but as usual a loud screeching noise prevented
me from getting any deeper into the house. Our house didn’t need a
burglar alarm. It had one in the shape of a peach-faced parrot
called Elf. One of my mother’s infrequent ex-boyfriend’s had given
the parrot to me as a birthday gift a few years ago. The bird had
grown on me. The man had not. I was relieved when Mom and he had
broken up. Not long after the breakup, my mom had decided to start
a book club instead. I couldn’t complain, even if the gatherings
were little more than an excuse for a group of
thirty-something-year-old women to vent about their problems,
mostly men, but at least it brought a smile to my mother’s
face.

Elf screeched at me to
come over and give his beak a rub. He hopped along his perch and
the moment my fingertip rubbed his beak he settled down. The
laughter outside grew louder.

“
Don’t drink anything they
give you,” I warned Elf, and then I headed outside.