Little Rainbows (19 page)

She turned into the drive and smiled up at her house. Regardless of how she felt about leaving Jason, coming home was a pleasure. She got out of her car and glanced around the garden before opening the door and stepping inside.

* * * *

A few hours and a long nap later, Heather felt refreshed. She knew better than to worry about things she couldn’t change. She couldn’t influence Jason and whatever his issues were. She would deal with herself. She needed to get a handle on her own feelings and try to figure out what she wanted from life. Jason was only a small part of what she needed to think about.

Walking into her office, she noticed the blinking light on the phone. She stared at it for a moment. Who would have left her a voice message on that number? Didn’t everybody have her mobile number? Sinking into the comfy chair, she picked up the phone and nearly dropped it when she heard the voice.

“Heather.”

Her heart stopped.

“You never got back to me after our little talk. I’m disappointed.”

Him again.
Why couldn’t he leave her alone? She didn’t need this, not now.

“The offer’s still open, of course. But, the longer you wait, the tougher the consequences.”

There was a pause, as if he’d been waiting for a reaction, before the arrogant voice continued.

“You know I’m right. You need it. And make no mistake… As long as I want you, nobody else will go near you. I’ll make sure of that.”

Heather stared at the phone in disbelief. Was he for real? She wouldn’t go along with his plans for her, ever.

“Anyway,” the voice sounded cruel now, “I suspect we’ll be meeting soon. I’m looking forward to it.”

Anger surged through her. The self-important, arrogant prick. How dare he? He had to be mad if he thought she would ever turn to him. Even when Darren had still been alive, they’d rarely spent time in his company. She should have been clearer when they’d spoke. She’d do better the next time. She wouldn’t leave any room for doubt if he approached her again.

She sighed. He was a distraction. Irritating, but not what she needed to concentrate on right now. He and his arrogance were pulling her away from her real problem. She had to figure out what to do about Jason and how she’d survive having to work with him again in four days’ time.

She opened her laptop. She’d write to Darren again.

Darren, my heart

I can’t stop writing to you. It doesn’t compare to talking with you, but it’s the best I have and I need your advice. I’m all over the place. I’m not sure what I feel or how I feel about what I might be feeling.

I thought it would be easier. I didn’t think it would be this hard confessing to you that I found myself attracted to Jason over the past few days. There, I’ve said it. And it’s true. He did things to me. He made me feel things I didn’t expect to feel again. Just looking at him brought back sensations I hadn’t felt since you died. When we got together he took me places I never thought I’d revisit.

I know I promised I wouldn’t give up on lust or sex or even love—and I meant it. But now that I’m home, doubts are creeping in. Did you really mean you wanted me to leave you behind? Did you envision me submitting again or did you mean I should allow myself to play occasionally? You were the first and I was sure you would be the last. And yet, with Jason, it was automatic. He spoke and my body reacted before my mind processed his words. It felt good, Darren. I loved submitting again. I mean, I loved submitting to Jason.

And now I’m back home, alone. I left him because I don’t know what to make of him. He’s hiding something. I don’t know if it’s big or small, if it’s just in his mind or a real issue. All I know is that I’m not strong enough to sit back and hope he’ll change his mind at some point in the future. If I allow him to break me I might never put myself back together again.

I told him I’d be back on Monday, and I intend to keep my word. It’s business, and you taught me well. But it scares me. I won’t be able to lose my attraction to him in just four days. It will be as strong as it was this morning. If he makes a move, will I be able to say no? Should I? He makes me feel things I want to explore, Darren. I think I could fall in love with him given half a chance. I know he could shatter me if I allow him to keep on playing games with me. Tell me what to do. I’m lost again.

* * * *

“Hector.” Just what he didn’t need. “I’m sorry, but not now. I’m too busy.”

Jason waved at his desk before he realized the surface held nothing. No papers, his computer had gone to stand-by, no other people. Nothing to indicate he’d been doing anything other than staring out of the window. Not that it mattered. His friend didn’t give the desk a glance while he walked into the office and dropped into a chair.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, man?”

Whoa
. Hector didn’t use language like that, didn’t go into full attack mode, ever.

With a sinking heart, Jason realized this was it. He wouldn’t be able to brush the Dom off, not this time. He’d run out of hiding places.

“You allowed her to walk away. Why?”

Just because he knew it wasn’t going to work didn’t mean he wouldn’t give it a try anyway.

“It’s what we agreed, Hector. Heather will be back next week.”

“Rubbish.” The man shook his head. “I know she was supposed to leave today. What I want to know is why she’s staying away for four days if all she needs is fresh clothes? There’s a sudden shortage of shops in the West of Ireland?

Jason felt himself being pushed into a corner and couldn’t see any escape routes. “No, of course not. I, Jaysus man, it’s personal.”

“Yes, you told me you don’t want to talk about whatever it is you’ve been worrying about. And under normal circumstances that would be fine. This isn’t normal.”

“Of course it’s normal. What do you mean it isn’t?”

“I saw the two of you together. I saw how she reacted to you when you danced, when you watched Roger and Leo.” Hector paused, apparently considering his next words. “And for the first time in over a month, I saw you looking like yourself. You’ve been acting like a dog without its favorite bone for weeks now. I noticed, Amber noticed. Hell, I think everybody here noticed.”

That hurt. He’d thought he’d been able to hide his doubts. He’d known people had been surprised when he’d announced he wouldn’t be doing the demonstrations for a while, but had failed to recognize… He stopped himself. He hadn’t wanted to recognize that people were surprised and maybe even worried about his behavior.
Shit
.

But what could he do? He couldn’t explain what had happened to himself, never mind to anyone else. Trying to explain could cost him everything. He couldn’t expect people to work for a Dom no longer able to dominate. They wouldn’t trust him anymore. It would create insecurities. He’d lose his business on top of all he’d already lost.

Hector just sat there, looking at him, waiting for him to make up his mind. It was a Dom trick. Jason knew it all too well and didn’t appreciate having it used on him. He was restless, needed to move, to get away from the gaze that wouldn’t let him go. He pushed out of his chair and started pacing. Up and down his office, five steps, turn, five more steps turn. And those eyes never left him. Sitting back in his chair, his hand underneath his chin, Hector said nothing, didn’t move a muscle, just followed him with his eyes, waiting, like a predator stalking its prey.

“I know what you’re doing, you bastard. Your tricks won’t work on me. I’m not some sub you can dominate into revealing all their secrets.”

“No, you’re not. But then, are you sure you’re still a Dom?”

Jason’s heart skipped a few beats. He’d been sure he’d managed to keep his insecurities hidden. Hector was just guessing. He had to be. There was no way he could know. Jason dropped back in his chair and looked at his friend again. He expected to see pity and maybe some amusement or commiseration and found none. He saw concern and interest. He saw a man who wanted to help him, the man he’d been pushing away every time he got too close to the truth. The man across from him was probably one of the few persons he could trust with his secret.

Jason lowered his gaze, perfectly imitating the sub he wasn’t, and talked at his desktop.

“You’re right. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I don’t think I’m a Dom anymore. I’ve lost it. The drive is gone, has been for months now. The past few weeks? Doing those exhibitions only frustrated me. It felt like an act. It wasn’t doing anything for me.”

He chanced a quick glance at Hector and saw nothing but the man’s undivided attention.

“You don’t understand, Hector,” he spoke as if he’d been interrupted, “I didn’t even get excited when I played with those subs. I went through the motions, played a part without ever feeling it. A month ago I decided I couldn’t continue. Pretending tore me apart. I knew sooner or later others would catch on to the fact I wasn’t in the game anymore. I needed out before I turned myself into a complete joke.”

“Jason,” Hector’s voice was soft and completely non-judgmental, “you must have known withdrawing would attract more attention than pretending ever could.”

He hated the man for being so smart and perceptive. Hector wasn’t going to let him get away with anything. He knew the Dom wouldn’t leave until he’d heard the full story.

“Yes. Of course I did. I lost my drive, not my mind.” He really didn’t want to go on but forced himself regardless. “It was too painful. Every single time I took one of those subs to the play area, I could feel another piece of me breaking away. It felt like rubbing my nose in my own misery. I’m not a masochist. I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

“And so you didn’t.” Hector’s voice was calm. “I get that. It may surprise you, but quite a few of us face doubts every now and again. You think I didn’t want to run when Amber decided to throw herself at me?” Now it was Hector’s turn to look away. “I thought, hell there are days I still think she’s too young—too young for me and too young for the commitment she’s made. She knew nothing when she met me, was little more than a virgin.” He fell silent and seemed lost in his memories. “I tried to keep things simple, vanilla. I spent hours trying to convince myself I could live without the dynamic, that discarding an integral part of me would be better than dragging her into my world.

“What happened?” Jason whispered his question, afraid anything louder would stop Hector’s flow.

“Amber happened. She saw right through me and wouldn’t stand for it. I think her words were something like, if she couldn’t be with all of me she’d rather not be with me at all. She was on the verge of walking away. I’d offered to discard an important part of who I am for her and she threw it back in my face.” His face brightened. “God, I love that woman.”

Thoughts chased each other through Jason’s mind. What had Heather said? That she knew she’d been far more honest with him than he’d been willing to be with her. Those had been the words she’d used to show him her pain. He hadn’t been able to tell her, but maybe, if he talked to Hector, confessed it all, he’d be able to work it out, find a way to fix everything he’d broken.

“There’s more, Hector.”

“I thought there might be. Just tell me, man. I promise, nothing you can say will shock me.

“Losing the drive to dominate was bad enough, but I managed to deal with it.”

He saw the look on Hector’s face.

“Okay, I fooled myself into believing I could deal with it. But two nights ago, when I allowed Heather to fall apart?”

“What. Tell me, Jason, what did that mean to you?”

“Don’t you see? It proved I’d been right to distrust myself. It was bad enough I’d lost the will to dominate. Heather’s breakdown showed me my instincts were gone too. I should have seen it coming. I should have been able to recognize the signs and get her out of there before it was too late.” He could hear the pain in his own voice, felt tears burning behind his eyes. “Don’t you see? Losing my drive has been a blessing. Without it there’s no risk of me harming anyone.”

He looked at his desktop again. It was still as empty as it had been when Hector arrived. It would have been easier if there’d been something there to distract him. He wanted to look at the man facing him and couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d said it all. His secrets were out, his fears shared. What sort of damage had he done?

“Jason. Look at me.”

He reluctantly raised his gaze and fell into a well of compassion and friendship.

“I’ve listened to you. I understand everything you say. I get why you believe you’ve failed.”

Relief washed over him. To be understood. To not be thought crazy. It was so much more than he’d expected.

“And I know you couldn’t be more wrong.”

“What?”

“Tell me what you did when Heather fell apart, Jason.”

“I took her away from the crowd into an empty room. I held her in my lap until she was calm again. I apologized for not getting her out earlier and she said…”

“What did she say?”

“She said it wasn’t my fault she’d waited too long before letting me know it was too much.” Jason shook his head. He might as well have been hearing the words for the first time, even though she’d told him time and again. “She told me not to blame myself for her failure to safe-word early enough.”

“So, let me see if I get this. You brought her there because she wanted to go?”

All Jason could do was nod.

“You took her away when she indicated it was too much?”

“Yes.”

“You then gave her aftercare, told her you were sorry, listened to her tell you it wasn’t your fault and decided to blame yourself anyway?”

He couldn’t bring himself to answer again.

“Anybody ever tell you that maybe you’re too far up your own arse, Jason?”

For the first time since waking up, he relaxed and smiled. “No. But I guess they should have.” He didn’t know if he wanted to kiss Hector or slap himself. “God, I’ve been such a self-absorbed fool.”

And self-destructive.
He’d ruined it for no good reason. He’d been so focused on his own misery, he’d pushed away the woman who’d shown him the way back to what he’d thought lost forever. The first woman he’d ever loved. A woman he could love again.
No
, he might as well continue with the honesty. A woman he’d started falling in love with the moment she stepped into his office. The pain was back, sweeping away all the relief he’d felt a moment ago.