Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle) (9 page)

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Authors: Alex McCord,Simon van Kempen

BOOK: Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle)
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Chapter 5
 
“Is Today a Work Day or a Home Day, Mommy?”
 
We Were Here First
 
Alex
One morning back in mid-2008, while busy in the hustle and bustle of our morning routine, François quite calmly said, “I wish you were a ‘home mom.’ I don’t like you going to work every day.” Wow. I explained to him that I knew it was hard during the summer, but that in the fall he’d be so busy with school and after-school activities that we’d be getting home at about the same time. Not good enough; François pressed on, asking why I had to work. I tried to tell him that if I didn’t work, we wouldn’t have the money that I get for working, and that it goes toward things like food, our house and of course toys and clothes and all the fun trips we take together. He asked why Daddy couldn’t work for the whole family. I explained that if Daddy were the only one working, we would never see him, much like friends of ours where the husband leaves at 6 a.m. and gets home after 8 p.m., seeing their two young children only on weekends. François pointed out that our investment banker neighbor still gets home before his daughters are in bed. I countered that the daughters are teenagers, go to bed much later and often do their own thing at night, plus early on in his career when they were little he likely worked much longer hours. I added that as much as I would like staying home with him, both Mommy and Daddy have to work plus it’s something that I enjoy, just as he enjoys going to school. I followed him downstairs while the discussion continued, poured juice for Johan and gave last-minute hand-off instructions to our nanny. Simon sensed something was wrong and dragged me into the bathroom, where I completely broke down, crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Sometimes you need to just give up being strong for a minute or two, and in that moment Simon understood that I needed to vent by crying, which he let me do in a safe, child-free space.
Later that month, I was ready to resign from my job, reverse Simon’s vasectomy and have five more children. In Ohio on a business day trip, all I wanted in the world was to fly home on time so I could still put my boys to bed. Instead of doing that, I was stuck in an airport terminal because of bad weather. Just as we thought we were cleared, John McCain, then desperately campaigning for president, pulled his jet into our hangar—they were also fighting the weather. The security caused our takeoff to be bumped from 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Then we got diverted to Morristown, New Jersey and I finally crawled into the house after 1 a.m. Even if I had been his greatest supporter, I would be mad. I love working, I really, really do, but my boys are more important.
 
At an Event Alex Threw for Second Time Around
 
Back then I worked full time for Victoria’s Secret corporate in their New York office, keeping me away from home 50 hours per week and a lot more when I traveled. In early 2009 I was laid off, and when that happened, my first thought was to get the next office job I could. Working from home didn’t occur to me until one day, a Facebook message led me to a designer consignment company, Second Time Around, that would become my first client. I saw an opportunity that could help both me and my family, and used the severance package from VS to go into business for myself. While I love being my own boss, one of the hardest things I’ve found about being a working mom is working from home. These days I work with a number of retail clients doing everything from graphic design to store fixtures to event planning. I can work from anywhere, which allows me to take care of my clients and also be able to participate in things I never could before, such as volunteering one day a week at school lunch and chaperoning field trips on occasion. We went from being a dual-nine-to-five-parent family where permission slips sometimes were forgotten, to a family where both parents contribute and school projects become a group activity.
It didn’t happen overnight—the first summer was difficult. Still figuring out the work-from-home model, I would find myself hiding in the basement office (aka the bat cave) with the door closed, signing the kids up for any activity I could find or asking our nanny to take them to the park. A few times I found myself trying to work with the kids crowding around the computer asking to watch videos on YouTube of an octopus eating a shark or the Wiggles or a Batman made out of Legos. Now, between school, after-school activities and scheduling my work commitments with the kids in mind, I try as best I can to minimize the times I can’t give them my full attention. They have also gotten used to me working at home, and know that when Mommy is on the computer, she’s working and can’t stop to play go fish, but she will when she’s finished.
On that note I think children are capable of understanding quite a lot, which we grown-ups sometimes forget. When your children are busy, it helps them understand that you are busy, and sets them up to be effective individuals. As they grow older, another situation develops. They begin to be your allies in keeping the household peaceful. The boys are more likely (sometimes) to follow my direction to be quiet if I add that Daddy is sleeping, because they now know what it’s like to be awakened by noise. I’ve overheard Simon telling François to “put down those high heels because Mommy will be cranky if she sees you wearing them.” Cranky because of the noise, not that I’m worried he’ll turn into a drag queen.
 
Simon
I was so fortunate that I was 20 years into my career when François was born, which meant that I’d passed the stage of working 70 plus hours and six days each week. I remember early on in my first marriage, when I was just launching my hotel finance career, that in addition to those 70 hours I was also at night school four nights each week. Putting in those hours both at work and school is no way to conduct a successful relationship let alone parenthood, at least not for me.
While I was always incredibly ambitious and held day dreams of being a millionaire by the time I was no
well make that 40… the reality is that I still must work for a living. However I am at a level where I can earn an incredibly good salary while only spending around 50 hours away from home each week, including my commute. After François was born I made a decision to slow down a little career-wise as I felt it more important to have a couple of extra hours a day with my son(s) than work extra hours to add thousands more on to my pay package. I was in the fortunate position that I was earning enough to make that decision. I know many can’t, BUT I have also watched many dads, particularly in banking and law, who work incredibly long hours and whose time with their children is pretty much limited to weekends. It’s now just over six years since François was born and the time really has flown. I can say that I would have missed an awful lot of fun watching François and then Johan develop if our time together had more or less been limited to non-working weekends. And not a day goes by when I regret the time we’ve had together.
 
Alex
Although I would never describe myself as a social conservative, I do believe in honoring relationship commitments. I believe that marriage should be allowed for everyone, gay and straight, and divorce should be difficult. Marriage is not disposable, and for that reason when the kids are about to drive you crazy you have to remember that you and your spouse were there first. We’re very lucky that we’re able to pay our nanny extra for two evenings a week to go out, either just the two of us or with friends or to events around the city.
I think it’s important to remember what we like to do, and make time to do it every once in a while. It may seem absolutely ludicrous when you are balancing one or more children and who knows what else in your life, but sometimes even a lost hour of sleep after the kids are in bed, spent reading a book, watching a movie or just talking with another adult is an investment in your sanity. I love to read, we both love opera, shopping and theatre, and Simon loves vegging on the couch watching tennis or golf while checking the cricket scores online. Simon and I love to take advantage of the new restaurants opening in our city constantly, and are big fans of tasting menus. We like to get dressed up in tuxes and ball gowns and sit in darkened opera houses while men and women sing beautiful, heart-wrenching music in front of gorgeous sets. The bottom line is this: whatever it is, be it facials once a month, bowling with the guys or underwater basket weaving, every happy parent I know has figured out what they need to maintain in order to stay “them,” and work with their partners to make it happen. There’s nothing worse than parents being so focused on the kids that there’s no time left to nurture the relationship. Once the kids are grown, then what?
When we do spend time together away from the kids, we make sure the children are happy when we leave and have been very careful to choose caregivers we trust whose presence is also a treat for the boys.
 
Simon
Honestly the hardest thing about parenting in a city is not that we are in New York City, but that we are both thousands of miles from our own families. Alex’s mom lives in Dallas, Texas, her two brothers in Texas and Kansas and my mum lives in Australia. I have two brothers also in Australia as well as a sister in Hungary. This has meant since day one that, apart from the occasional visit, we have had no local family support to fall back on. It’s one of the reasons we decided with Johan’s impending birth to hire a live-in au pair in lieu of having a mother or mother-in-law down the street or in the next suburb to call on.
 
Alex
We used to plan surprise trips for one another, which is more difficult with kids, but have channeled those ideas into more local fare. Eight and a half months pregnant with François, my 30th birthday was looming. We would normally do a tasting menu at a Michelin-starred restaurant complete with jewels and serenading (just kidding about the last bit, sort of ), but at 37 weeks gone food was not particularly high on my list. What to do? Simon chartered a helicopter and for an hour or so we flew all around the city—over Central Park, over our apartment building, Yankee Stadium and the rest. Another time he chartered a yacht, complete with surprise party and private chef, as we sailed around the New York Harbor. We’re lucky to live in a city where at any given moment you can find something to do that you’ve never done before. When planning Simon’s 44th, I struggled for ideas. I’d thought of taking him to St. Barths for the weekend, but we’d been very busy at work and not seeing enough of the boys, etc. It wasn’t a good time to go away. Instead, I got the boys involved in planning the festivities. François had recently discovered the joys of seeing a movie in a theatre—we have a great art house cinema on our corner with a brilliantly curated children’s series twice a month. He suggested we have cake and goodies at home, then see a first-run film. With our nanny’s assistance, the boys decorated the living room all afternoon. I ordered and picked up a cake from a bakery near my office and left work with just enough extra time to pick up the movie tickets, which for some reason weren’t available online that day. What to buy someone you’ve known for almost 10 years? Rather than cufflinks, cologne or gadgets, I thought about things he loves but doesn’t spend time on, and came up with music. These days it’s rare for either of us to spend much time inside a music store, and frankly most are gone, along with the joy of browsing through racks and picking up actual CDs as opposed to downloading them. I selected a collection of the latest discs from his favorite artists, which was a hit. After our tea party at home with cake, the four of us went to see
Horton Hears a Who
(the boys’ choice, of course!). Following the theatre, a friend of the family whom the boys adore was present at home to put them to bed, while Simon and I went out for a nice dinner at a restaurant we love.

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