Little Black Book (17 page)

Nineteen

Rosslyn

His kiss felt different.
It was soft, like a first kiss. It was nice. The one thing I could say about Sebastian, he was fantastic kisser—not that I had much to go on.

He pulled back and I felt his stare even with my eyes closed. I was still humming inside from his kiss when he spoke.

“What are these?” he asked.

“It’s paperwork for a
technical college. I was thinking of taking some online classes.”

It was a quick de
cision when I’d gotten up that morning and had nothing to do. I’d always been obsessed with forensics and dreamed of a career in that field. Online classes would be something I could spend time on and it would be pushing me in a better direction financially. I was excited to do something for myself—something that could benefit my future.

“I didn’t know you were interested in going to school.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s a smart choice. I don’t expect you to be my sexual benefactor forever. I need to be able to take care of myself. That means getting a degree and getting a job.”

“You don’t need to work. I’ll take care of you.”

“Come on, Sebastian. We both know this isn’t going to last forever. You’ve already made it clear that you don’t do
love,
and I’ve made it perfectly clear that I
do.
Plus, this isn’t what I want. I don’t want you to take care of me. I want to be able to take care of myself.”

He looked down at the p
aperwork and made a face a few at the pictures from a crime scene.

“What the hell is this?” he asked.

“Those are the classes I’ll look into once I do two years at the technical college. I want to get into forensics and help solve crimes.”

He looked at me like I was crazy
, and I couldn’t help but giggle a little.

“What made you want to get into this?”

I didn’t want to answer. Twelve years later and my parents’ death was still a touchy subject. Probably because I never got closure. I wanted to make sure no other family had to go through that.

“The same thing that started my fear of guns,” I answered.

“Someone you knew was shot?”

“Yes.”

“Were you there?”

“No, but I’m the one that found her. They never caught her killer. I want to try to make a difference.”

He didn’t push anymore, which was one of the things I loved the most about Sebastian.

“
If you think that’s what you need to do. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my time,” his cocky smile made his dimples pop.

He was definitely being different since we’d slept together, but I didn’t say anything about it. His
smile was too sweet—I didn’t want to ruin it. I’d probably never get over how sexy he was, and after giving myself over to him so completely I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

“
Your
time? Seriously?”

“Yes, my time. When I want you, I want you. I don’t like to wait.”

I couldn’t help myself. I giggled so hard my stomach hurt.

“Are you laughing at me?”

I liked how playful he was being. It made him seem like a normal everyday guy.

“Yes,”
I chuckled. “Sir, yes sir!” I playfully saluted him.

“Go ahead and laugh,” he moved closer.
“It doesn’t matter because this belongs to me,” he said, reaching down between my legs.

And just like that, the laughter stopped. I didn’t like his tone, and hated that he was more right than he realized.

I smacked his hand away. “I belong to no one.”

Pulling me to him, he leaned down and ran his nose up the side of my neck
, before planting a soft kiss beneath my ear.

“That’s where you’re wrong,
sweetheart. I licked it, so it’s mine. “

And then
, he was kissing me. I wanted to push him away, and I wanted to pull him closer. His hands made their way down my hips and grabbed me, lifting me up as he pressed his body into mine. He was promising me another night like the one before.

He broke
away. “How about taking a tour of your bedroom?” His voice dropped before he leaned down and took my mouth again.

I didn’t hold back, kissing
him with all I had. With his hands cupping my face, he walked me backward, until my ass hit the door. He lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He pressed into me and I broke the kiss and moaned with closed eyes.

He pushed the door open and we
stumbled into my room, surrounded by all of my things. I’d cried happy tears when I first saw how organized my personal items had been, and now the place was home. That was something I’d always be thankful for when it came to Sebastian. He was an asshole, but he’d given me a home when I didn’t have one.

He pulled back and worked his way down the side of my neck. Stubble scratched against my skin and I lost my fingers in his hair
, pulling him closer. I enjoyed the difference in him. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. It was amazing what sex could do to a man.

“It’s going
to be good. I promise I’ll make it good for you,” he said as he nipped at my chin.

I had
no doubt about that. I’d learned a few days before, Sebastian knew exactly what he was doing. Laying me back on my bed, he followed me down, pressing me into my mattress.

Cool
air brushed my stomach as he lifted my shirt. His heated touch scorched my skin and a hiss sounded from between my teeth.

Who was I?

I didn’t feel like the old me at all anymore. I hadn’t since he’d brought me to life on the couch in his office. It was like he was turning me into some carefree person, and I was all about everything he’d done so far. Lifting from the bed, he pulled my shirt off and smiled when my red bra was revealed.

“I like this,” he said as he slid a finger in the cup, running his finger across my hardened nipple.

“Of course you do, you picked it out.” I arched my back and whimpered.

“You’re so respo
nsive to my touch.” He nuzzled in my cleavage. “I never want to stop touching you.”

He
bit my nipple through the bra and I was gone. I latched on to his shoulders and closed my eyes as his hand worked its way down my side, to the top of my jeans. My stomach sucked in from his touch, allowing him to slip his hand past my button and into my jeans. And then he was touching me through my panties.

It felt so good. I lifted
my hips when he took his hand away. He pulled my zipper down and peeled my jeans from my hips. His fingertips felt rough against the skin inside my thighs. I opened wider once my jeans were on the floor.

“I can’t wait another second to be inside you.”

His lips brushed the inside of my leg and then he was rolling my panties down my legs.

He sucked the so
ft skin on the inside of my leg. His hot breath skimmed my wetness, warming me and making me ache even more. And then he was on top of me, staring down at me with his usual cocky grin. I could hardly wait to feel him.

I reached up, running my fingers through his hair and brushing the back of my fingertips down the back of his neck and kissing him softly on the corner of his mouth.

His expression changed and his body stiffened above me

“What are you doing?” h
e asked.

“What do you mean? I’m kissing you.”

I was confused. I wasn’t sure how to answer his question. It was obvious what we were doing, and if he didn’t know, then I was obviously doing it wrong.

“This isn’t
romance
, Jessica. Stop looking at me like that. Don’t touch me sweetly. Be rough. This is fucking. That’s all. It’s not love. It’ll never be love.”

I stared at him. My heart tore in half, all of my feelings toward him spilling out, and pooling in a painful puddle in my stomach.

And then he leaned up, backing away from me. He grabbed my thighs roughly, flipping me onto my stomach.

P
ulling my hips up to him, I instinctively followed and propped up on my hands. He pushed hard against me. “I’m going to fuck you so hard.”

His words stung,
and I didn’t know how to react. I was still reeling from his other comments. Stunned into silence, I stared at the sheets below me.

Sebastian meant what he said
, he was going to fuck me hard. My chest and the side of my head were suddenly pushed into the mattress, as he simultaneously pressed into me and pulled my arms tightly behind my back.

It was rough,
and it actually felt good. However, I couldn’t help but think that it would feel better if my heart wasn’t dying a slow death. I just wished he would stop pushing me away. We obviously had a connection and I felt sorry for him and his inability to fully bond with another human being.

“You act sweet, but you’re really a naughty girl aren’t you, Jessica?” His body was leaning over me, allowing him to go deeper. “
Tell me how dirty you are.” His mouth brushed against my ear.

I
couldn’t answer. I wasn’t emotionally present. It
did
feel amazing, his smooth arousal spreading me open, filling me. But I didn’t want to reward his behavior from earlier, so I gave him nothing.

He realized I wasn’t going to play along.
Leaning back, he gripped my hips almost painfully, and started to move fast and hard. Out of nowhere, his palm landed hard against my ass. The loud smack rang throughout the room, and my ass stung badly before he rubbed it away with his warm palm.

“Fuck
me,” he rasped. “I can’t get enough of your body.”

 
His hands latched onto my breasts and he pulled me up, so that my back was pressed firmly against his front. His fingers plucked at my nipples before moving down over my stomach and between my legs. The pad of his finger rubbed sweet circles over my throbbing bud and it was all I could take.

Against my will,
I called out. “Sebastian…”

My body shook against his,
and I was coming, his hips continuing to work me. My body went limp and I fell forward. He held my hips in the air and continued on his mission for an orgasm.

Thrusting only a few more times,
he pulled out, and came all over my ass. It was hot and dripping down my cheek. He spread the come around my ass with his tip, while milking his cock dry.

Letting his body fall next to mine with a huff, I quickly turned on my side, giving him my back. I couldn’t process my feelings and didn’t want to
look at him for the moment.

My heart ached for what would obviously never be. And yet my body was in euphoria, coming down from a high like no other.

He’d been rough and aggressive, and if I was being honest with myself… I enjoyed it.

I felt his hot hand moving down my arm, but him touching me sweetly in any way felt like a lie. I didn’t want to be lied to. Shaking his hand from my arm, I slid further away from him.

“Oh so now I can’t touch you?” he asked.

“Not like that. Not with any softness. No romance remember, this is just fucking.”

I was fucked, in more ways than one.

Twenty

Sebastian

She slept next to me, an occasional sound coming from her, as if she was dreaming and in distress. Her scarlet hair was covering most of her face, but I could still see the swollen swell of her pouty lips.

I was in a fucked up place, mentally. Worse than anything I’d gone through when I was younger, except for the night that continuously haunted my dreams. The experience hardened me and changed me into the man I was today. The only way I could make it through life after that night, was by not feeling anything at all. It was either that, or die from heartache.

Jessica
had been breaking down the wall I built, and I reacted poorly because it scared me. I wasn’t technically afraid of having feelings for
her
, I was afraid of feeling anything at all. I’d worked hard at blocking out everything to get through my days—to get myself through the one single moment that had defined the rest of my life.

And the worst part was, I hurt her. I could see it in her eyes when I lied to her face, saying it would never be about love.

Reaching out, I took a strand of her hair and rubbed it between two fingers. It was true, I had to admit it to myself. I was falling for her. Me—the man who didn’t believe in the bullshit word everyone tossed around, the man who thought love was a woman’s word. I’d always truly believed men weren’t capable of love, especially a man like me. Yet there I was, staring down at this seemingly perfect creature, and trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling.

T
he whole thing felt suffocating, like the air around me was too thick, too humid. Whether I was thinking of my feelings or about not being near her, I constantly felt I couldn’t breathe. A weight as heavy as New York City was pressing against my chest, and I couldn’t lift it, no matter how angry or mean I was. It just wouldn’t fucking budge.

And those eyes… those big, trusting, beautiful eyes. I couldn’t fucking shake the moment when pain entered those eyes. They haunted me because I was the cause of that heartache.

Slipping from her bed, I dressed quietly, careful not to wake her. Staring down at her as she slept, I watched her breasts lift with each deep breath. I was mesmerized—caught effectively in a web I’d personally weaved.  I had to get out of there. I had to free myself, before I couldn’t.

The cool night air made me shiver as I stood outside and waited for
the valet to bring my car around. The city lights blinked like the universe was trying to relay a secret message to only me—a visual Morse code of sorts for the crazy fucker. I closed my eyes to it and kept them closed, until I heard the purr of my Jaguar pulling up.

Once I was in the warmth of my car, I sat there and contemplated going back inside.
The valet stood at the driver’s side window, waiting for me to climb back out. I gripped the steering wheel and shook myself. Staying over wasn’t my thing. Spending time after sex with a woman at all, was something I always avoided. Obviously, it was different with Jessica.

I decided against it and hit the road, driving slow
ly to give myself time to think, I passed the night-lifers and tried to pinpoint the exact moment the change in me had occurred.

When I got to the club, the place was alive
—crawling with crowds of people I used to be like. I no longer felt like that man. Moving through the room, I bumped into dancers and nodded at those who knew my name, but didn’t know me. Hell, I didn’t know me—not really.

I didn’t
go to my office because I didn’t want to deal with Vick. Instead, I went to my apartment. Trekking through my place, I headed straight to the bathroom for a shower. I peeled off my clothes, which smelled of Jessica, and stood under the hot spray in the silence of the tile-filled room. It seemed to be the only place I could think anymore. My office screamed Jessica, the club, the car, everything was tainted with a memory of her.

I stayed in longer than usual, letting the w
ater dump directly onto my head—numbing my skin with the heat and hoping to numb my thoughts as well. When I stepped out, I grabbed a towel and found Vick leaning against the doorway with crossed arms.

“Ignoring me?” she asked with a lifted brow.

I ran the towel across my face and hair, before wrapping it around my body and exiting the shower.

“I needed a shower before I dealt
with your shit.”

Scooping up my toothbrush, I squeezed a layer of toothpaste on it and started brushing my teeth.
She was pissing me off, standing over me with her arms crossed, like she controlled me. It was time I brought her back down to her level.

Rinsing my mouth,
I pulled my towel from my waist and wiped my face. I walked beside her and into my bedroom. She followed. Pulling a pair of boxer briefs from the top drawer, I covered my ass and started toward my closet.

“What’s going on with us, Sebastian? We used to be so close. It’s like you don’t even talk to me anymore. It’s bullshit
, and you know it.”

I’d had enou
gh. I turned on her quickly, getting close to her and making her take a step back. I would never hurt a woman, but this shit had to stop.

“Vict
oria, get off my sac already. For years I’ve covered your ass—turned the other cheek to some really fucked up shit, and this is how you repay me? I’m about this close,” I held two fingers up, “to dropping your ass right where I found you. Now leave me the fuck alone!”

I watched as it happened, but I couldn’t believe it.
Her stoic face crumbled, and the dreaded expression I’d spent a good bit of time running from, spread across her face. Her eyes watered and her lip trembled… and it was then I knew—I just fucking knew. Vick stayed around to help me, out of loyalty and money, but there was something else I hadn’t noticed. How had something so big slip past my radar? It was something I thought Vick incapable of. She showed emotion, and it was for me.

I looked at Vick like a
sister, and now I could see she’d been harboring forbidden feelings for a man who, until recently, didn’t know he was capable of feeling anything.

“No. Not you. This can’t be happening,” I begged under my breath.

“Sebastian…”

“Leave,” I demanded.

“Sebastian, please listen…” she started.

“I said
, get the
fuck
out of my apartment, now!”

She stared at me as if I was goin
g to change my mind, and then turned and left without another word.

I
nstead of sticking around the club and socializing, I stayed in my office the rest of the night. I put myself so deep into paperwork, I tuned out the outside world.

That morning
, I went to bed with thoughts of Jessica walking the streets alone. Suddenly the thought of something terrible happening to her consumed me. I thought about her fear of guns and wondered what could have happened to her to give her that fear. There were so many things I wanted to know, so many things I could’ve already known if I hadn’t been such a selfish prick.

Instead of my usual nightmare, I dreamed of Jessica and her soft lips and trusting eyes.
The dream turned into a nightmare and I found myself looking down at her as she died in my arms.

The next afternoon, I found myself somewhere I hadn’t been in a while. Grady, the man behind the counter, nodded at me when I walked in. He was an older Italian with a thick Jersey accent.

His thick, black hair
was dyed and oiled into a perfect wave, and his hairy arms and chest were visible through his button down shirt. The entire look was topped off with a collection of gold chains. He was old Italy.

Dabbling in a little bit everything, he was the man to see when you needed anything. I only used his services for one thing and one thing only. The rest of the illegal shit was in my past
, where I meant it to stay.

“Long time no see, Black. What can I do for you?”

He lit the end of his cigar, filling the room with its thick pungent odor.

“I’m looking for something feminine, but still powerful enough to take a man down.”

Eyeing me for a few brief seconds, he took another puff from his cigar and nodded. “I think I have just what you’re looking for.”

Turning around, he opened a cabinet and pulled out a pretty piece. It was small and tinted pink. I knew Jessica would definitely hate it, but a girl like her needed to know how to protect herself in case she was right and I didn’t stick a
round. Which, let’s face it, was bound to happen at some point.

I left Grady’s with exactly what I came in for. Jessica might not like it, but I’d feel better about her being alone if she was packing. She’d have a lot to learn about how to use it
. I’d be sure she understood what pulling the trigger meant, before she actually pulled it.