Little Battles (33 page)

The more I thought about what I had let myself do, the more freaked out I got. There was no way for me to actually tell someone what was wrong, so in addition to the normal sedation techniques, Stephen and Robin had no other choice but to admit me into the hospital.

That night had caused my life to become uncontrollable, and it sickened me to even think about it now.

“I c-c-c-c-c-c-c…” I wanted to explain why I couldn’t have sex with her, why I couldn’t even
talk
about having sex with her, but the words wouldn’t form. I was sweating.

“Elliott, stop,” she said, holding my hands again. “I’m sorry. Don’t…don’t worry about it. You don’t have to tell me anything else.”

It was a while before my mind and mouth cooperated. “I w-w-w-want you. I d-do, b-b-but I c-c-c-can’t jjjjust jjjump into that ag-gain, o-ookay?”

She sighed deeply, but then tugged on my hands. “Come on, drive me home.”

I furrowed my brow. “N-no.”

She smiled. “I’m not mad. If you can’t do something, I won’t pressure you. We’ll go slow,” she said as she shifted her gaze away from me, “or whatever.” She looked back to me as she finished. “But I do need to go. You can pick me up after work again tomorrow, okay?”

Dinner was less-than-satisfying, and I knew that I wasn’t the only one who thought so. David was pushing around the overcooked food on his plate as if that would make it taste better.

Sophie’s cooking was much better.

The air was oddly thick in the dining room tonight, tension hanging almost visibly in front of us.

Robin barely spoke, which was odd since she usually prompted all of us to talk at the table when we ate together. I didn’t think she had the ability to stop asking questions. Robin liked talking. She wanted to talk about
everything
.

Stephen’s jaw kept tensing and then relaxing as he rubbed his temple with his index finger as if he had a headache. Robin and Stephen’s odd stress covered us like a blanket of fog.

I really wanted to leave the scene and retreat upstairs to my room. I wished Sophie hadn’t left. I was just about to excuse myself from the table when I noticed Robin and Stephen looking at each other for what seemed like the first time in weeks.

Finally Robin said, “I have something to say that concerns all of you.”

Everyone looked up at her, David finally pulling his eyes away from Rebecca, and Jane looking up curiously.

“Stephen and I need to tell you that we…” she paused and flipped her hair over her shoulder and then folded her hands in front of her, “we’re in a relationship with each other and…”

It was finally out there. I wondered if Sophie liked Robin, even just a little, because of her bluntness. Between the two, there were no wasted, sugarcoated words.

“What?” Rebecca asked too loudly.

Even though he hadn’t been addressed, Stephen answered. “Your mother and I are seeing each other.”

She looked from Stephen, to Robin, and then to David, before she shook her head. Then she refocused on her mother.

“How could you do that to me? I’m
dating
his son and now you’re—”

Robin interrupted. “There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship with Stephen.”

“You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”

I
really
did not want to be a part of this. Did she honestly not have a clue this was going on? I felt like I was slow in coming to the realization that they were
together
, but Rebecca, at least, seemed like her head was buried in the sand. She and Robin were
always
over here. What did she think was going on?

“Rebecca Anne Wallace, that is not your business.”

“You ask about
my
sex life, Mom. It’s only fair that I know who
you’re
screwing.”

Robin looked like she had a headache. “Great job, Mom. I hope you at least don’t have to fake your orgasms with him. It’d be a shame to ruin your daughter’s life and not get off for it.”

“Becca,” Stephen warned, “I don’t think we’re ruining—”

“I’m…
dating
your son and you’re
humping
my mother!”

With that, she got up and stormed out.

David rose from his seat quickly. “Becca, baby, it’s not like we’ll be blood-related or anything. You won’t be my sister.”

Jane followed David out of the room. I doubted she cared about the adult’s relationship much, but Jane was pretty close to David and just like with me, if she perceived he was in pain, it was in her nature to see if she could help.

I was pretty much frozen and suddenly very much alone with Stephen and Robin.

Stephen sighed. “That went well.”

I gulped as they both fixated on me. Were they waiting for me to leave the table as well? Did they want time alone?

“Elliott,” Robin said softly, “with us in a relationship, it wouldn’t be right to continue to counsel you.”

I must have looked confused because she sighed and said. “The other counselor that comes from Baltimore on Friday has agreed to see you. He’s…”

I froze. “Hhhhhe?” I kept looking back and forth between them, waiting for them to tell me that I’d misunderstood. I knew the other counselor was a man, but I never really thought about it because I was never in the same room with him. Rebecca went to a woman in Frederick. Why couldn’t
she
see me?

“Elliott, he’s highly recommended, and not just by Robin,” Stephen said.

“He’s one of the best adolescent…”

I didn’t care what Robin was saying. I stopped listening to her. I couldn’t believe that she was serious.

“Y-y-y-y-you c-c-c-can’t d-d-d-d-d…”

“Please calm down, Elliott. If you don’t like or trust him, we’ll find someone else.”

I kept trying to regulate my breathing, but failed each time.

“I t-t-t-trust y-y-you.”

She smiled at me and it almost calmed me, but not quite.

“Elliott, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to remain objective. That’s not…It’s not how it should be. I’m sorry.”

My teeth hurt as I clenched them together. I didn’t want to be here anymore. They were telling me that I had to see someone else. That they had chosen a stranger, a
man
to be my counselor, and that was unacceptable. I never had any doubt I needed to have someone like Robin in my life. Just like Sophie, I was well aware of my own issues, but I would never be comfortable with some stranger, male or female, asking me questions and expecting me to answer.

My hands were fisted so tight that the flesh was nearly white. The burning felt good. I wanted to stop for a minute and just think about Sophie. I wanted to replay the conversation we’d just had. I wanted to hear her tell me that she thought I was hot again.

But I couldn’t.

I was at the table with Stephen and Robin, and they were telling me upsetting things. I couldn’t stop the course my body was on. I couldn’t stop the thoughts that spun and wove dark, hurtful threads in my head. I wished Sophie were here. I wished Jane hadn’t left. I wished
someone
was here to help me remember how to return to normal.

Tears were in my eyes, and I was tightly wound. Even my toes were curled. I felt like I would break myself.

“L-l-liar.”

Robin sighed deeply and if I had cared to, I would have seen the sadness etched in the grooves of her face. But I didn’t care about her feelings right now. I only cared that she had told me a long time ago that I could trust her. But right now she was telling me that I had to trust someone else because just like everyone else, she could no longer give me what she thought I needed.

“I’ve never been untrue to you, Elliott. I didn’t do this on purpose to upset you. It has weighed very heavily on us for…”

Again I quit listening for two reasons. First, I was incapable of hearing anything over the blood pounding in my head, and second, she wouldn’t say anything meaningful. She would continue to use her therapist-speak to justify what was happening and when she was done, Stephen would chime in.

I cared very little about what they did together, or if they had any kind of relationship. Had I not been so preoccupied with my own fear, anger, and resentment over having my sessions with an unknown man, I would have been happy that they were able to find each other.

I didn’t care about ethics. I thought it was stupid that she couldn’t be my counselor if she was dating the man who adopted me. He wasn’t my father, and she would never be my mother. I shared time and space with these people, and it was utterly ridiculous that because she had issues with her objectivity, I would be punished liked this.

I heard a loud cracking sound that startled me, and I looked down to find that my plate was now in three pieces, and my right hand was bloody and covered in Alfredo sauce, as blood and food mingled together into a disgusting sludge that made me comfortable, and yet appalled at the same time.

I was aware of motion around me and that Robin was still speaking to me while Stephen quickly left the table. I tried to think of Sophie, of the song that always played in my mind when I was with her, of her hands in my hair, and the buried pain in her bright blue eyes, but I couldn’t.

This feeling was too much and I couldn’t get a grip on my raging thoughts and emotions.

Stephen came back, a syringe in his hand. Sedatives were his only hope in times like these, and I felt desperate to pluck the hope from him. I wanted him to feel like I did. It wasn’t fair that he should be able to use chemical means to get what he wanted. It wasn’t fair that part of me frantically needed and wanted the false peace of a chemically calm body and mind.

When my hearing returned, I still chose not to listen to Robin’s soothing words as Stephen reached for my arm. I batted his hand away, feeling the scrape of the needle on my forearm before I shoved back from the table.

I didn’t want to be sedated into accepting this.

“Y-y-y-y-you are l-ll-lllliars.”

“Elliott,” Stephen said, and when I heard his deep voice so close to me, I froze.

“God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.”

My head was spinning because the words were coming quick and automatic, blurring the versions until I couldn’t recognize New International from King James, Old Testament from New.

They were liars whose words could not be trusted.

“
Lying
lips are an abomination to the Lord; but they that deal
truly
are His delight.”

“Elliott.”

I looked to Robin, who had risen from her seat. I stood as well, my quick action forcing my chair to fall backward to the ground. I stepped around it as I shook my head. The ache in my chest was too much. I struggled to remember why I was so upset, but the only thing beyond Scripture that ran through my head was the word “liar.”

“And wilt swear: As the Lord liveth in truth, in justice, and in righteousness; then shall the nations bless themselves by Him, and in Him shall they glory.”

“Elliott, please stop.”

I wanted to do as Stephen asked, and if I could have controlled my thoughts, I would have, but I was mentally paralyzed by the pain that was so sharp in my mind.

Job spoke to me, but I pressed my lips together, not wanting to give voice to the chaos this meal had incited.

He removes the speech of those who are trusted, and takes away the understanding of the elders.

If I tried really hard, I could make sense of it. I could make the Scriptures work for me.

The room had darkened some, although I was no less ridden with anxiety and terror. I kept telling myself to trust in Him, that He would take care of me, that He would make it right.

If I tried really hard, perhaps I could convince myself of it.

Maybe He could love me.

Job gave way to Psalms as I prayed harder than I had in years.