Linda Ford (5 page)

If only he would stop believing he had to leave.

“Your father is right. That Eastern college has given you strange ideas.”

“No, Mother. Reading God’s word—” learning to think for herself “—has given me these ideas, and I’d hardly call them strange.” She slipped her arm through her mother’s. “Now let’s not argue. Tell me what you’ve been doing. Did you finish going through your letters?”

Mother sniffed then brightened at the chance to talk about what she’d done. “I finished them and
started to answer some I’ve neglected. I haven’t seen some of these dear people since before you were born, but I don’t want to lose contact.”

Kathleen encouraged her mother to talk and tried to still the little annoyance that she felt more regard for people whom she hadn’t seen in twenty years or so than she did for those who lived only a few blocks away.

Later that night, after she’d gone to bed, she heard her parents talking and guessed she was the subject of their long discussion. She fully expected one of them to insist on her ending her visits to Rosie’s. But after lunch the next day, her mother wiped her arm across her eyes in a gesture of weariness and waved her away. “Do what you want. I need to have a nap.”

Thankful to be free to continue her visits, Kathleen slipped away.

Joey was stronger, ready to travel. Still Buck made no plans to leave. He couldn’t bring himself to do so. Not yet. Not while Kathleen continued to come. He anticipated every visit with restless joy. Her very presence in the house filled it with sunshine and—

Perhaps only his heart felt the vibrations of happiness.

Perhaps if she, for some reason, stopped coming he would be able to leave.

But she seemed committed to regular visits. According to Rosie, she hadn’t come every day until recently. Actually, what Rosie said was she hadn’t come
every day until Buck showed up. She’d said it with a mixture of teasing and annoyance.

“You can’t stay. Have you forgotten?”

“You make sure I don’t forget.”

“If things were different, I would welcome you. You know it.”

He nodded. “Things will never be different.”

“I know, but I hope my kids can be free of our fear.”

His staying put her hope at risk. He should be on his way, but still he stayed. Always giving himself one more day. Promising tomorrow he would tell Kathleen he had to leave. Then finding some excuse not to inform her, thus giving him a reason to linger one more day.

“You’ll go to the Thanksgiving service with her, won’t you?”

Rosie hesitated. “I’m thinking about it.”

“It’s your chance to leave the past behind.”

“I know. To be honest, Kathleen makes me want to be closer to God.”

“Me, too.”

A knock informed them Kathleen had arrived. Rosie nodded at him to answer the door. “I’ve got Lilly.” They both knew it was not the reason.

Buck’s growing affection for Kathleen would only make it harder to leave. His heart wanted to see her and enjoy her company one more day. One more day to fill his insides to brimming with her sweet presence.

But one more day would never be enough.

Gritting his teeth, he pushed away the temptation to ignore the reality of his life and stay. Let people find out about his pa. Let them do what they wanted. It would be worth it to enjoy day after day of seeing Kathleen…Kathleen with the rich and powerful father.

What was he thinking? Her father had the power to destroy not only his life but also Rosie’s and the children’s. He had the power to make Kathleen’s life miserable.

Buck vowed he’d leave before he’d allow that to happen.

He opened the door and smiled a welcome that echoed in Kathleen’s eyes. Could it be she was growing fond of him, too? She’d been outspoken in her admiration, which he found endearing.

Growing fondness on her part put her future at risk, too. Her mere association with him and Rosie could destroy her. He had no wish to hurt her. For her sake he must leave soon.

Just one more day. Even better—a special outing. The idea was perfect.

He lifted her coat from her shoulders and hung it beside his own. Perhaps some of her sweet flower scent would cling permanently to his jacket, and he could think of her every time he donned it. Not that he would need such a reminder. He would carry her in his heart.

“This is wonderful weather for November,” he said, setting up the discussion for his intended suggestion. Snow had fallen a week or two ago and the tem
perature had been cold enough to freeze the ground, but otherwise it was pleasant enough for the time of year.

“Don’t be fooled into complacency,” Rosie warned. “Things could change any day now.”

“All the more reason to take advantage of it while we can.”

Kathleen and Rosie both stared at him and the little boys clustered around his knees, but Rosie was the one to demand an explanation. “What did you have in mind?”

“A picnic.”

Rosie snorted. “It might only be November but it feels a lot like winter to my way of thinking.”

“Why not?” He silently appealed to Kathleen, who showed a flicker of interest. “I could rent a wagon and we could go to a pond. The kids could play on the ice and we could have a big fire. Then enjoy cocoa and sandwiches. How does that sound?” He directed his question to the kids, knowing they would show more enthusiasm than the women.

“Fun,” Junior said.

“Fun,” Mattie echoed.

“Sure.” Joey was more guarded. Perhaps because he’d spent his share of time out in the elements.

Buck turned to Rosie first. “What do you think?”

“So long as it’s not cold.”

He turned to Kathleen. “You in?”

Her eyes gleamed. “I’m invited?”

“Of course.” It was the reason for his idea. “Tomorrow?”

Rosie looked at the little ones. “I could feed them an early lunch so they can have their naps. That way we can enjoy the warmest part of the day.”

“Then it’s a plan.” Buck scrubbed his hands together. One more special memory to take with him when he left.

One more excuse for delaying his departure.

The children were excited about the planned picnic, so Rosie took longer than normal to get them settled for their naps. Buck held Joey and wondered if he would have the same difficulty, but Joey soon nodded off. Buck held him even after Kathleen whispered that he had fallen asleep. He found comfort in the small body curled against him. At least he would have this bit of human contact when he left. The idea provided only a little comfort. Having met Kathleen, he now knew it would never be enough to have Joey, though he loved the boy beyond measure.

After a few minutes, he carried Joey into the bedroom. When he returned, he pulled out a bit of wood he had begun carving.

“What are you making?” Kathleen asked.

“A little horse for Joey. Watching him enjoy the toys Rosie’s children have made me realize how few things Joey has. I intend to remedy it.”

Her hands grew still. “You’re a good father. Are there other things Joey needs that you might have overlooked, do you suppose?”

She didn’t need to spell it out. He knew what she meant—the boy needed a permanent home. He agreed. But it didn’t change the facts of his life—
namely that people weren’t prepared to let him enjoy such luxury.

He felt her watching him. Tried to ignore it but his resistance proved fragile. He lifted his head and let her search his thoughts. Yes, Joey needed a real home. So did Buck. In his deepest, most secret dreams, he longed for the acceptance she hinted he deserved.

He knew it was a fleeting mirage.

“Joey and I will survive the best way we know how.”

Slowly her expression changed, softening. “I think you are close to wanting to belong.”

“Wanting to belong has never been in question.” He closed his mouth firmly. He yearned to tell her everything but he dare not. It would surely put an end to her friendship. Not only with himself but also with Rosie, and Rosie didn’t deserve to be robbed of Kathleen’s acceptance. He pulled his gaze away and concentrated on the horse he shaped. “I think Joey will enjoy this toy.”

“I’m sure he will.” She didn’t say anything for a spell. “Can I bring the hot cocoa for tomorrow?”

“If you like.”

Rosie joined them. “I’ll make sandwiches. You know, Buck, this is a good idea. I’m looking forward to an outing.”

So was Buck, but for entirely different reasons that were selfish and likely dangerous. He should be leaving, not making plans to stay yet another day. Such plans were foolish and fraught with danger.

But for a little while, a precious interruption to his normal life, Buck was going to ignore the warnings of his gut.

B
uck loaded the children in the back of the wagon he’d rented from the livery. Rosie chose to sit in the back with the children. She slanted him a teasing smile as she got comfortable. “I’ll let Kathleen sit up front with you.” Her teasing vanished into warning. They both knew this interlude must end soon. Before their secret was discovered.

But for now, Buck was happy to ignore the dangers. He helped Kathleen up to the seat and took his place beside her. “Couldn’t ask for better weather, could we?”

“It’s beautiful.”

The sun shone with golden intensity. No breeze stirred the air. Temperatures hovered at the freezing mark. Perfect for ice skating. Perfect for bonfires and winter picnics.

“Sam at the livery barn told me about a pond where people go skating. Said it was a great place for a picnic.” Buck laughed. “He said he could name half
a dozen couples who began their courting at a skating party there.”

Kathleen laughed softly. “I know the place and two such couples. Of course, they went after dark, so maybe that makes a difference.”

“’Spect so.” Though he didn’t intend to waste any opportunity the afternoon might present. Of course, he didn’t have courting and marriage on his mind. He concentrated on guiding the wagon through a gate and down a trail toward a grove of trees. To be perfectly honest, he admitted he might have been considering both if his circumstances were different.

They weren’t. But he didn’t intend to let that fact rob him of one ounce of enjoyment this afternoon.

The trail led directly to a large opening. Evidence of previous fires blackened the ground. Crude wooden benches circled the burnt area. Soldierlike, bare-branched trees guarded the spot. An ice-covered pond had been partially cleared, as if used just the night before.

“This is perfect.” He jumped from the wagon and assisted Kathleen to the ground. If his hands lingered at her waist longer than necessary, no one seemed to notice. He allowed himself the luxury of breathing in her scent, enjoying the reflection of the sky in her eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun from her smile before he stepped away to help Rosie and the children.

The boys squealed in delight and headed for the ice. Mattie could hardly keep his feet under him, but the other two were soon running and sliding, laughing in complete abandonment of joy. Rosie stood to
the side watching, Lilly in her arms. The little girl chortled at the boys and Rosie smiled.

Kathleen moved to Buck’s side. “This idea of yours is wonderful.”

He grinned down at her. “I have them once in a while.”

“Have what?” She managed to look confused.

“Good ideas.”

Her musical laughter rang through the trees. “I’d say you have them quite often.”

He let himself enjoy her praise, let himself hold her gaze while her warm look filled his heart. If only the afternoon could last forever. But he’d waste none of it.

With wood he’d brought with him and kindling gathered from the trees, he built a fire then carried the lunch basket and a knapsack to one of the benches. Kathleen followed with a jug of cocoa.

He’d brought a scoop shovel and headed for the pond. “Who wants a ride?”

The three boys scrambled to his side, slipping and sliding. “Youngest to oldest.” Mattie sat on the scoop and Buck pushed him about the ice.

An hour later he was ready for a break. They trooped toward the fire, where Kathleen poured cocoa into mugs for each of them. Rosie handed out sandwiches and cookies.

He sat next to Kathleen, Joey on his other side, and Buck thought life couldn’t get any better than this. A son he loved, a woman he—

He stuffed half a cookie in his mouth. Better to stick to what was possible.

“I used to come here with some friends when I was much younger.” Kathleen’s voice carried notes of regret and sadness.

Wishing to erase those notes, Buck shifted to study her. “Why did you stop coming?”

Her eyes filled with surprise. “You know, I can’t say. Part of the reason, I suppose, is the neighbors who took me with them moved away, and I felt conspicuously alone when I came on my own. Then I got involved in other things.”

The children finished their lunch and went back to play. Rosie followed them, leaving Buck and Kathleen alone. There were so many things he wanted to know about her. What she’d been like as a girl. The dreams she’d had. Which ones remained. “Tell me what types of things you’re involved in.”

“Up until this past fall, I spent three years attending a girls’ boarding school, where we were strictly supervised. My father would expect nothing else. Of course there were those who found ways to disobey the rules.” She shrugged. “I never felt the need. I loved my studies. I took on some extra projects.” Her eyes glistened with pleasure at the memory. “One of the teachers led us on a study of the life of Christ. She urged us to see Him at work in this world and base our lives on how He would live.”

“You really liked that, didn’t you?”

“It was exactly what I needed to find purpose in my life.”

“So you became a do-gooder?” Was that her only reason for befriending Rosie?

Her expression flattened. He wished he could bite back the words and bring the joy into her face again.

“I hope not. I wanted to live my life with purpose and meaning, not selfishly or with judgment. I want my life to reflect my gratitude for all God has given each of us.”

He touched her hands as they lay still and peaceful in her lap. “Forgive me for speaking so harshly. From our first meeting, you have made me aware of my need to open myself up to God. Both Rosie and I were raised to love Him, but over the years I’ve neglected my faith.”

Her eyes shone with happiness and she turned her hands into his. He twined his fingers through hers.

“Nothing would make me happier than to know you’ve returned to your faith.” Her soft words felt like a benediction.

“Why is that?” If only he could allow himself to think it was because she cared about him in a personal way. But why was he even contemplating such a joy? He blocked from his mind the way he pictured her looking if she found out the truth about him.

Enough. He would not allow anything to mar this afternoon.

Rosie returned, Mattie at her side. “Play here with Lilly.” She shifted her attention to Buck. “The bigger boys are too fast for him. They’re having a great time out there.”

Further conversation between himself and Kath
leen was impossible. Except he had a plan. He spoke to Rosie. “Would you mind watching Joey while Kathleen and I go for a skate?”

“But I didn’t bring skates.” Kathleen looked so disappointed, he could have kissed her.

“I’ve taken care of it. Sam lent me some. Says he always keeps a few on hand.” He retrieved the rucksack from the bench and pulled out two pairs of skates. “I brought some extra socks in case you needed them.”

“Those look like mine,” Rosie protested.

“I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I don’t, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

He grinned at her. “This way I didn’t have to endure any advice.” Or teasing. Or warnings.

She waved away his remark. “Enjoy yourself while you can.”

“I intend to.” Her unspoken warning filled him with even more determination to make the most of the day. “Let me.” He knelt before Kathleen, unbuckled her boots and slipped one foot at a time into the skates. He forced himself to act as if it were no different from helping Joey put on a pair of boots, but his chest muscles grew taut, making breathing difficult. Her foot was so small. So dainty. It made him want to protect her. But he was probably the worst threat she’d ever had in her life. He tightened the laces, then sat beside her to do his own. “I warn you, I haven’t been on skates in a couple years.”

“I haven’t been since last winter.”

“I suppose you skate like a dancer.”

She laughed softly. “I’ve had lessons, if that’s what you mean.”

“Wonderful. You’ll make me look like a clod.”

She rose and held out a hand to him. “Who’s watching?”

“I will be,” Rosie said. “And I won’t hesitate to laugh when my brother lands on his bottom.”

Buck didn’t give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her teasing. Instead he took Kathleen’s hand and led her to the ice.

Joey saw him and slid over. “You going skating?”

“With Kathleen. You stay here with Aunt Rosie. Okay?”

Joey studied him unblinkingly for a moment, then shifted his study to Kathleen. Buck hoped he wouldn’t say something to make her uneasy. But he smiled. “Okay.”

Buck reached for Kathleen’s hands, holding them so their arms crisscrossed in the usual skating pose. She fit perfectly at his side and matched her strides to his. He hadn’t skated in a while, but discovered he had no trouble keeping on his feet. They circled the cleared area several times. She laughed as he stumbled on a corner. He held her steady when she caught her skate on a lump in the ice. A path had been cleared around the perimeter of the pond. He indicated it. “Shall we?”

“I’d love to.”

They skated away from the noise, the fire and into a world where they were alone in the silence. He shifted to hold her hands and skated backward so he
could watch her face. “Are you planning to return to your college in the near future?”

“I have no definite plans. Mother seems better some days, but then she gets worse again.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“The doctor calls it general malaise. I know she’s worse if anything upsets her, so I do my best to keep things calm in the house.”

He liked the way she grew thoughtful, full of genuine concern for her mother. “You are a good daughter.”

“Thank you. I try. After all, I’m their only child.”

“That sounds like a huge responsibility.”

She smiled gently.

Oh, how he’d grown to love her smile. If only he could capture it in his palms, tuck it in his pocket and carry it with him into the future. Then whenever he was discouraged or lonely, he could pull it out and enjoy the memory of this day.

Unfortunately he knew the memories, although all he’d have, would never suffice.

“It doesn’t feel like a responsibility when it’s done out of love.”

He understood she would never choose someone or something over loyalty to her parents. Although he admired the trait in her, it left him feeling lonely. He forgot to move his feet. One skate caught on the ice. He churned his legs trying to keep his balance. The moment he knew it was futile, he pulled Kathleen to his chest to protect her. His feet went up. His back went down and he landed with a thud that shook
the air from him. His lungs hurt. He couldn’t make them work.

Kathleen lay across his chest. She pushed back to look into his face, her eyes dark blue and full of things he dared not acknowledge.

She saw he couldn’t breathe and scrambled to her knees. “Buck, take a breath.” She shook him a little. “Come on. You’re scaring me.”

His lungs decided to work, and he sucked in air until he wondered how much he could hold. He let it out in a gusty exhalation and lay there.

“Are you okay?”

He hadn’t intended to frighten her, but oh, it felt good to know she would worry so about him. He sat up and grinned at her. “I’m fine, sweet Kathleen. Just fine.” He got to his feet, pulling her up with him.

Sweet Kathleen, he’d called her, the sound of her name on his lips pleasant as honey. He stood facing her, studying her.

“You aren’t hurt, are you?”

“I’m fine.” She struggled to bring her thoughts into order. “You took the brunt of the fall.”

“Let me check you over.” He turned her about, brushed snow from between her shoulders, then brought her back to face him. He took his time examining her face. The warmth of his gaze on her lips brought a toe-to-hairline blush to her skin.

“There’s snow stuck to your hair.” He brushed it away with his fingers. They seared across her cheek.

She caught her breath as something wrenched
inside her—a sweet, fierce sensation of pleasure and hope. Her growing fondness and admiration for Buck bordered on something more profound. A feeling so new and powerful she didn’t want to examine it too closely for fear it would abandon her.

“Kathleen.” His husky whisper reached into her head, making it impossible to think beyond this moment when time ceased to exist.

His gaze grew more intense as he looked so deeply into her eyes, she felt his gaze touch her innermost secrets. “Kathleen,” he breathed her name again, his attention on her mouth.

He lowered his head. She knew he meant to kiss her. He paused—whether to give her time to demure or to reconsider his intention, she couldn’t say.

She had no desire to refuse him and tilted her head upward. His lips claimed hers, warm, firm, gentle…almost reverent. She clutched at his upper arms, holding on as the world fell away and there was nothing but them.

He ended the kiss but pulled her to his chest and pressed her face to the spot where Joey found such comfort and welcome, and she found the same. This man was a rock. An anchor. She could trust her very being to him.

“Kathleen, you are a special woman.”

She smiled into the soft warmth of his coat. “Buck, you are a special man. A noble and good man.”

His chuckle rumbled beneath her ear. “I love to hear you say so.”

Love? Could this be love? This wonderful, satis
fying, exhilarating sensation of wanting time to stop, everyone else to disappear, her life to begin at this moment? If so, she couldn’t imagine anything better in the whole world.

Buck eased her back, took her hands and pressed them tight to his chest. “We need to get back.”

“Of course.” She’d forgotten the others. Forgotten everything but Buck. But he would never forget Joey. “I wish—”

“Shh.” He pulled her closer. “Let’s take what God offers us without demanding more.”

It sounded like a warning not to expect anything beyond the moment. “Buck, won’t you consider staying? Give people a chance to see how good and noble you are?”

He stiffened, tried to hide it. Sighed almost imperceptibly. She knew he didn’t intend for her to notice. “Kathleen, I wish I could.”

“Is it because of Joey?” She wanted desperately for him to say it was the reason, even though it wouldn’t explain why he’d promised Rosie he would stay away even when she didn’t know he had a son. “Because you need to give people a chance to accept him.”