Like One of the Family (42 page)

Claire stared blindly at her hands, not knowing what to say.

As the silence lengthened Jane added, ‘That is, of course, if you still want to share our summer holidays, Claire... but we consider you one of our family and really want ...'

‘I wonder you can say that after what happened,' Claire cried in a strangled voice.

Jane looked startled. ‘My dear, what do you mean?'

Now the tears could no longer be held back. ‘You know what you did. ‘Claire...sit down.' Jane came round the desk and gently pushed her on to a chair. ‘Perhaps we had better clear the air. There was no way of avoiding a confrontation now.

‘Terry hates me after what you told him.'

Jane was too honest to prevaricate. ‘Oh, my dear. I never meant to betray you,' she cried in distress. ‘But when Terry said you'd told him everything I assumed ...'

‘You didn't set out to tell him?' Claire asked uncertainly.

‘Of course not!' Jane was vehement. ‘Why would I try and discredit you, love? You know I've always cared for you like one of my own.'

It was true.

‘You believe me, don't you?'

Claire blinked away tears, convinced by her evident distress. Jane had shown her more kindness and understanding that anyone else, even her own parents. She nodded.

‘Well, thank goodness for that,' Jane said in relief. She looked at Claire gravely. ‘I've never talked about what happened before, not because of any bad feeling towards you, merely because I believed it was best to try and put it behind us.''

Claire silently assessed her words. It was true that by her continued friendship Jane had clearly demonstrated the lack of any ill-will towards her.

‘You must remember it came as a great shock to Terry,' Jane was saying. ‘He obviously cares very deeply for you. In the beginning I was inclined to think it was just a teenage thing but I see now that it goes far deeper. For you both. Try and give him time to adjust, my dear. It may sound like a cliché but time does sort most things out.' Jane looked suddenly tired. She came closer to Claire and put her arms gently about her. ‘It will all work out for the best, believe me.'

No, it won't, Claire thought. How could it? She shuddered when she remembered the horror and revulsion in his eyes. He would never come back to her.

‘Claire... Claire,' Jane called her attention back from the dark pit she was wandering and gazed at her in concern. ‘You mustn't allow yourself to brood. Right now the most important thing is to put it out of your mind and finish your exams.' She hugged her gently. ‘I'm so glad we're friends again. I care far too much ever to allow anything to come between us.'

Claire felt like crying again. For weeks she had been existing in a cold, loveless vacuum. Now by some miracle she had been drawn back into the warmth and magic of the McArdle's circle. She pressed Jane's arm shyly. It was a moment before she said with a little catch in her voice, ‘You don't know how much it means to hear you say all this. I thought... I believed...'

‘Enough confessions for one day,' Jane said briskly, but kindly

Claire smiled tremulously. She went home, feeling reassured that the misunderstanding between them had been cleared. While the loss of Terry's love and respect was devastating, there was consolation in knowing none of it had been deliberate on Jane's part. Claire blamed it upon the nemesis which had shadowed her from early childhood and from which she believed there was no real escape.

Jane was relieved too that the misunderstanding was cleared up. In Spain she had resolved to have a chat with Claire just as soon as she returned home, but she had been caught up in her work straight away. Even now was spending long hours at the clinic, trying to make up for her weeks of absence.

Jane had been genuine when she'd said that she did not harbour any bad feelings towards Claire, not since the first irrational madness had passed in the troubled weeks after the tragedy. Now she was only sorry for the distress she had caused the girl. She would really try and make it up to her.

Jane was surprised at how exhausted she felt since returning to work, even though her physical injuries were nearly healed. Somehow she did not seem to have much energy to tope with anything but the most straightforward of cases. Even routine examinations and the necessary follow-ups to clinical tests seemed to take her an inordinate amount of time and effort. Now there was an extra problem to sort out.

Soon Sheena and Ruthie would be going away to Spain for the summer and there were still all the arrangements to be made. Jane at last stirred herself to ring the travel agent and book their tickets. Once it was done she felt better. Next thing she would start shopping for their clothes. There was so much they needed. But before she could even begin she received a letter from her cousin saying that she was really sorry, she knew just how much Jane was depending on her but she could not, after all, accompany the girls to Spain.

Jane bit her lip in dismay and read on with sinking heart. In her thin upright script Anne explained that she had been admitted to hospital for tests and it now appeared that she would have to undergo a hysterectomy at once. What a time she had to go and pick, was Jane's first unfeeling thought. Poor Anne, she thought contritely, but there was no denying it left her in a spot. She couldn't go herself and she couldn't let the girls go on their own either, so what on earth was she to do?

It was the Murray family as usual who came to her rescue. When Liz heard how Jane had been let down, she offered to ask her mother's advice. ‘Mammy might know someone,' adding with a laugh, ‘I wouldn't mind volunteering for the job myself if you didn't need me here. What I'd do for a few weeks in the sun!' she laughed.

Jane grinned in sympathy. Actually, she thought, there were very few people she would be happy to let chaperone her young family and they away in another country. . But when Liz returned after her lunch break happily she was the bearer of good news.

‘Mammy says if you're stuck she could go with the girls herself. She'll be dropping in later to see you and when does it suit?'

‘Tell her I'll be here all evening.' Thank God for Teresa. Jane would never forget how supportive her former receptionist had been when Eddie and Hugh died. She would be just right to go with the girls, and what was so important, Ruthie liked her.

When Teresa arrived it was clear from her manner that she was delighted at the prospect of a few weeks in the sun. ‘Not often I get away, I don't mind telling you,' she admitted cheerfully. Jane could well believe it. Teresa's own brood numbered eight, the youngest of which was not yet twelve years old. In addition she had a steadily increasing number of grandchildren whose young parents made constant demands upon ‘Granny's' time and energy.

‘The only thing is, I've promised to mind the kids for Babs when she goes in to have her baby. If she was to come before time... Ah forget it!' Teresa dismissed the possibility with a wave of her plump hand. ‘That'll be the day. The other three had to be coaxed out into the world and do yeh think they've changed,' she snorted in derision, ‘If they were any more laid back they'd be horizontal, just like their mother. That one is never on time for anything.'

Jane smiled in sympathy.

‘If she's right with her dates Babs isn't due till the middle of August, so we're away in a hack.'

‘By then I'll be able to get away myself,' Jane assured her.

‘So it's all settled then.'

Next day Jane rang the travel agent and changed the fourth ticket to Teresa's name. At the same time she took out travel insurance for all of them, Claire included. She did not imagine that Annette would think to make provision for her daughter.

Since returning home Jane had valiantly tried to put him out of her mind but despite her efforts, he continued to dominate her thoughts. As she packed the girls' cases, she often caught herself with a half-folded garment on her lap, dreamily remembering, especially that last evening when he had called to the apartment to say goodbye. They had sat on the balcony in the evening sunshine, the air about them scented with the fragrance of datura. She had found herself telling him about the years since Eddie's death and how she had been driven by the need to work long hours at the clinic to support her small family.

‘It was a tough and lonely time,' Jane said, without self pity. ‘When my husband and son so tragically died, I learned there was no-one I could rely upon but myself, that if we were to survive it would be through my own efforts. I suppose I have become used to the battle.'

‘Ah, Jane. I only wish it were different.'

She gazed at him candidly. ‘I wish it too.'

In her mind's eye Jane saw again the great dangling trumpet flowers behind his head as Antonio took her in his arms. She had tightened her own arms about his neck and fervently returned his kisses, but all the time, like an unseen watcher, was the ailing shadow of Elena. When she had drawn back and looked into his eyes and seen the urgent need in them, Jane had ached to give him what he so clearly desired, but felt she would be dishonouring herself and him too. She had, besides, a superstitious conviction that by selfishly brushing aside all thoughts of the sick woman and giving in to their passions, they would forfeit each other for ever.

In the following weeks Jane often wondered if she shouldn't have loved Antonio when she had the opportunity. In her lonelier moments she sometimes bitterly regretted depriving herself of the solace of his body, but then she remembered the strength of her feeling at the time and knew she had made the right choice. Jane had come to know and love Antonio again in those leisurely afternoon visits to the hospital when they spoke freely of the years they had been apart, and now she was conscious of an aching loss that had not been there before.

Sometimes Jane felt there was a fairy tale quality about her finding him again after so many years. Now like Sleeping Beauty she was hungry, not just for food but for life and love, and in a way she had not been for most of her married life. With each letter that arrived, she experienced a sensation of excitement followed by depression, for it only served to increase her feelings of frustration and guilt which the memory of Elena's gentle goodness had left with her.

Sarah Lewis also communicated frequently with her. ‘Don't forget there's a shortage of good doctors here should you ever decide to work in Spain,' she wrote half in jest, but Jane found herself seriously considering the idea. The women's clinics had a great need for qualified doctors and Jane had to admit that she was greatly drawn to the notion of working in sunny Spain. And to being near Antonio? She quickly banished the thought, knowing that while Elena lived she would not even contemplate such a step.

Another person Jane badly missed was Terry. He had been home only twice since completing his initial thirty-seven hours training to become a rotary pilot. Now he was engaged in further emergency training in troop carrying into confined areas and low-level tactical flying .

As Jane packed beach towels on top of her daughters' summer clothing and closed the lids of the cases, she found herself dwelling on Terry's last visit. It had been brief, less than two hours, and barely time for him to do more than outline his activities. When she had steeled herself to ask how things were between Claire and himself, he had frowned and turned away without replying.

‘Terry, it wasn't her fault,' Jane felt constrained to say. ‘She couldn't help what happened, you know.'

‘Don't say any more, Mum, or I'm going,' Terry warned her, his voice thickened by disgust and outrage. Jane realised in dismay that he saw himself as the injured party and, in his blind, unreasoning pain, was unable to summon up any pity for the true victim of the unhappy affair.

Remembering, Jane sighed with regret and her heart grieved for the pair of them. But perhaps it was better, she told herself. They were both so young and still had their careers to make. Maybe time would prove kind to them both and they would come together again. She genuinely hoped so.

The afternoon post brought her weekly letter from Antonio and she had just finished reading it and was feeling lonely and dispirited, when the phone rang. Jane picked it up and found her son at the other end. He told her with an underlying current of excitement in his voice that he had an overnight pass and would be home later in the day.

Jane looked up expectantly from her desk when she heard Terry's key in the lock. He was in uniform with the airman's peaked cap set at a jaunty angle and he was carrying his army kitbag. He dropped it with a thud in a corner of her surgery and came round the desk to kiss her.

‘Hi, Mum. What do you know? I'm on my way to Shannon to do my ship-borne conversion in the Atlantic.' His golden eyes sparkled. ‘We'll be involved in sea and air rescue. Might even pick up a D.S.M.' He was more animated than she had seen him since his break-up with Claire and she guessed he welcomed the change of scene as well as the chance to see some action.

‘For how long?' Jane asked, her heart sinking. Helicopters really scared her. Unlike planes, helicopters were only kept in the air by forces and controls working against one another. If anything went wrong they could not gracefully glide to earth but just fell out of the sky. She wouldn't have a peaceful moment while he was away.

‘About three months,' Terry said.

‘When are you going?

‘A detachment from the Air Corps leave Baldonnel in the morning. Pete will be with me. You remember him?'

‘Yes, I remember.' Jane felt an icy foreboding. Oh God, she thought, please bring him back to me. Don't let him be taken too. She stayed awake most of the night praying and bargaining with God to spare her only son, but none of it showed in her face when she held Terry in her arms next day and kissed him goodbye. ‘Take care, love,' she said, and kept her tears until he had gone.