Life Swap (11 page)

Vicky got back into bed after the third session with Jamie and, smiling, went to sleep. They’d had breakfast, read the papers together – oh what bliss, wasn’t this what she had always wanted? – and gone back to bed.

Jamie has been everything she thought he would be, and when he leaves, saying he’ll call her later, she immediately phones Deborah to tell her the good news.

‘Swear you won’t tell anyone,’ she starts, as Deborah yawns down the phone.

‘Let me guess. You’ve just shagged Jamie Donnelly.’

Vicky is shocked into silence. ‘What?’ she says finally. ‘How did you know?’

Now it’s Deborah’s turn to be shocked. ‘You’re joking!’ she says, suddenly wide awake. ‘I was joking. Now I’m confused. You didn’t really shag Jamie Donnelly, did you?’

‘You have to swear you won’t tell anyone,’ Vicky pleads.

‘I swear I won’t tell anyone. How in the hell did this happen?’ Deborah takes her cordless phone over to the sofa and curls up for a long one, and Vicky tells her everything.

‘So what do you think?’ Vicky says when she’s finished. ‘I mean, you actually know him.’

‘What do you mean, what do I think?’

‘I mean, do you think he likes me? Do you think he’ll call?’

Deborah takes a deep breath. ‘If he likes you then he’ll call.’

‘But from what I’ve told you do you think he likes me?’

‘Vicky, here’s a question for you…’

‘Yes?’ An eager voice.

‘How old are you exactly?’

‘I know,’ she moans. ‘I sound like I’m twelve. But that’s about how I feel. I’ve fancied him for ages and we had this amazing night, and now I’m sitting here like a lovestruck teenager wondering exactly what he’s doing today and whether he’s thinking about me and whether he’s going to call, and if he is, then when.’

‘Okay, here’s some advice,’ Deborah says. ‘First, get out of the house and do something, and that’s an order. Do not, under any circumstances, stay in the house and wait for him to call. The worst thing you could do is be available to him anyway, so if he does call, you want to be out and busy, and if you’re not out and busy at least pretend to be out and busy.’

‘So can I stay home and pretend to be busy?’

‘No you bloody well can’t. Why don’t you go and see Kate and Andy? When was the last time you went to see them in the country anyway? That will take your mind off Jamie Donnelly for a few hours.’

‘You know what? That’s a great idea. Even though I’d rather sit by the phone, but I take your point. I’ll ring them now. Thanks, Deborah.’

‘My pleasure, and don’t bore them stupid with Jamie Donnelly.’

‘I can’t believe you slept with Jamie Donnelly!’ Kate’s sitting at the kitchen table as Vicky recounts every second of the night before. ‘God, he’s gorgeous! Tell me again that bit about how he first kissed you.’

But just as Vicky starts talking again, the back door slams and the noisy sounds of children and dogs echo through the corridor.

‘No, Luke!’ Vicky’s brother, Andy, calls. ‘Take your wellies off before you go into the kitchen. Polly! Sophie! Pick your coats up and hang them up. No, not drape them over the chair, hang them on hooks. Polly, stop pushing your sister!
Kate!
’ he yells. ‘Can you come and help me!’

Kate looks at Vicky and rolls her eyes as the two dogs come rushing through the hallway and into the kitchen, jumping up excitedly on Vicky.

‘Aaargh, get off,’ she yells, trying to push them off, because both of them are the size of small ponies, and they’re filthy dirty. ‘Oh Christ,’ she says, looking down at her now mud-splattered sweater. She looks over at Kate. ‘Tell me why I’m wearing cashmere to come and see you in the country?’

Kate shrugs. ‘God knows, Vix. You of all people know that it’s impossible to stay clean within four
minutes of walking into this house. I keep telling you to dress down, absolutely no reason to wear cashmere in deepest darkest Somerset, particularly not with Herk and Hogie over there,’ and she gestures over to where Hercules and Hogan, the lurchers, are now sniffing around the counters, trying to gauge whether it’s worth the effort of standing on their hind legs to see if there’s any food worth stealing, although in the eyes of a lurcher, if it’s food and it’s on a counter, it’s worth stealing.

‘Go on, Herkie, come on, Hogie,’ Kate says, beckoning them outside to the kids. ‘Let’s go and help Daddy.’

‘Vix? Is that you?’ Andy calls out from the hallway.

‘Yup. I thought I’d come down and see everyone,’ Vicky says, standing up and brushing herself off as the children come running in.

‘Auntie Vix!’ they yell, all leaping up into her arms, each one just as enthusiastic and energetic as the dogs, but perhaps a little bit cleaner, and Vicky welcomes them, giggling as they smother her with kisses and immediately take her hand to drag her upstairs to their bedrooms.

‘Come and see my dollhouse,’ Sophie says, pulling her towards the stairs.

‘No, come and see the play I did for Mummy and Daddy,’ says Polly, pulling her back towards the kitchen.

‘Auntie Vix, Auntie Vix, will you come and see my spy binoculars?’ Luke asks gravely, standing patiently at the bottom of the stairs.

Vicky throws her hands up in the air. ‘Okay, okay.
One at a time. Why don’t I sit in the kitchen and Luke, you bring me your binoculars, Polly can perform her play and when you’re done I’ll come and see your doll-house, Sophie. You lucky girl, when did you get such a lovely present?’

‘Daddy made it,’ Sophie says, running upstairs. ‘And Mummy helped make some furniture.’

Vicky turns to Andy. ‘You made a dollhouse? Since when have you been that handy with a saw?’

Kate starts laughing. ‘Wait,’ she says. ‘It’s not exactly a de luxe version. More the nine old shoeboxes stuck together with Pritt stick version.’

‘I thought it sounded a bit too complicated for my brother.’ Vicky grins as Andy shakes his head.

‘As it happens I’ve become pretty damn good at DIY, haven’t I, Kate? Tell Vicky who made the chicken run.’

‘You didn’t!’ Vicky starts to laugh. ‘And what chicken run? Since when do you have chickens?’

‘We thought it would be a good idea for the kids to get fresh eggs,’ Kate says.

‘But won’t the dogs eat the chickens?’ Vicky looks dubious.

‘Ah yes.’ Andy looks pointedly at Kate. ‘I have tried to tell her that we’ll be lucky if the chickens last the week.’

‘And that’s why you’ve built such a strong run.’ Kate returns the look. ‘The dogs won’t be able to get in, will they, Andy?’

‘Hopefully not,’ he says. ‘Anyway, the chickens don’t arrive for another three weeks so we’ll let you know.’

‘Oh God,’ Vicky moans. ‘I’m so jealous.’

‘Jealous? Of what?’

‘You just have the perfect life here. Chickens. Children. Dogs. It’s not fair.’

‘Oh stop it,’ Kate says, refusing to let Vicky give in to an ounce of self-pity. ‘I’d kill to have a bit of your glamorous life for a while, as would all the women around here. Most of them would gladly swap lives with you in a heartbeat.
I’d
gladly swap lives with you in a heartbeat.’

‘Oh yeuch,’ Vicky grimaces. ‘That means I’d have to be my brother’s wife. That’s disgusting.’

‘Oh don’t be so ridiculous. I’m only joking, but I’m just saying that you’d be a damn sight happier if you enjoyed your life, because plenty of other people would kill for it.’ She lowers her voice and checks that Andy is out of earshot. ‘Don’t you think I’m longing for an adventure like the one you had last night with Jamie Donnelly? Look, I adore Andy and would never be unfaithful, but I miss the fun, and the dating, and the excitement of not knowing whether they’re going to call or not.’

Vicky nods as she listens, she looks up at Kate. ‘So what do you think?’ she grins. ‘Do you think he’s going to call?’

Vicky spends the rest of the afternoon playing with the kids in the garden, soaking up the sun, and drinking copious amounts of tea before they stick the kids in front of
Shrek 2
and make a pitcher of Pimms.

Andy goes off for a while to see Bill, the chicken man, who is advising him on all things chicken-related, and brings Bill back to inspect the run, while Vicky and Kate stand on the sidelines nudging each other and giggling as Bill pretends to be impressed.

‘Oh come on, Bill,’ Kate whispers as they walk off, ‘seriously, is it any good? Shouldn’t I get a carpenter to come and check it out?’

Bill grins. ‘Nope, it’s absolutely fine. My first chicken run wasn’t nearly as good as this, and you’ll be okay. I’m more worried about the foxes than the dogs anyway, but Andy put the wire underneath the ground so they shouldn’t be able to get in.’

Andy’s chest visibly puffs with pride. ‘And you don’t think your husband’s up to much,’ he says.

‘All right, all right. I’m wrong. Well done, darling. You’re a chicken run genius.’

‘Do you want to join us for supper, Bill?’ Kate says, as Vicky moves behind him and shakes her head violently. The last thing she wants is to be set up with a chicken man.

‘Can’t tonight, but thanks, Kate. The kids are with their mum and they should be back soon. I promised them McDonald’s and you know what happens when you break a promise.’

‘Especially when it involves McDonald’s,’ Kate laughs.

‘I’ll call you during the week,’ Bill says to Andy, waving goodbye to all as he climbs up into his truck.

‘Such a nice man,’ Kate says as they take their drinks
inside and start getting supper ready. ‘And sheer fluke we found him. Andy was in the pub last week talking about chickens and someone overheard him and put him in touch with Bill who seems to be the expert, and we’d never even heard of him before. And he’s attractive too, don’t you think?’

‘He’s okay.’ Vicky shrugs. ‘But how come you didn’t know him? I thought you knew everyone in the village.’

‘So did we!’ Kate laughs. ‘But evidently not. He had a weekend cottage in Sherborne but bought a farm down here a couple of years ago and now he’s here permanently.’ She looks at Vicky pensively. ‘I wonder if he sold his cottage? That would suit you perfectly, a cottage to come down to on the weekends. I should ring him and ask.’

‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ Vicky says firmly. ‘As long as I’m coming down to this neck of the woods I want to stay with you and my gorgeous nieces and nephew. And anyway, my
Poise!
salary probably wouldn’t stretch to a cottage in the country, although it’s a nice idea.’

‘Something to think about,’ Kate says, starting to peel potatoes. ‘Everyone’s got to have a dream.’

‘Now if you could find a cottage with a dreamy husband attached, that might be something worth thinking about.’

‘I thought you were going to marry Jamie Donnelly.’

‘Oh bugger,’ Vicky says, looking sadly at her silent mobile phone. ‘Why didn’t I give him my mobile?’

*

Vicky stays the night in Somerset, then takes the early train to Waterloo, going straight to the office. She never figured out how to pick up her messages from her answerphone at home, and now, as frustrating as it is, she’s pleased, because by the time she gets home tonight Jamie Donnelly will surely have called. Who knows, if she’s very lucky he may have called two or three times.

The light is blinking as she finally walks through the door, and she rushes over, pressing play, her heart sinking lower and lower as she listens to the messages. Deborah phoning to see if Jamie Donnelly has called. Her mother just phoning to say hello. Kate to tell her she’d left her entire make-up bag in the bathroom and she’d be sending it registered so hopefully Vicky would have it on Tuesday, and her accountant wanting her to call and make an appointment.

No Jamie Donnelly. And it’s now Monday night. But he’s probably been busy taping the new series of
Dodgy
, and he doesn’t want to appear too keen anyway, and just because he hasn’t called yet doesn’t mean anything because he’ll almost certainly call tonight. Even if he doesn’t she’ll give it until Thursday. That’s a reasonable time to wait. Even if you really liked someone you’d want to wait until Thursday, wouldn’t you? Just so you don’t appear too keen.

Vicky replays every event of Saturday night. The flirtatious comments, the way he kissed her, the way he cuddled her after they had sex. And he didn’t run away immediately, he read the papers with her – okay, not the whole papers but he read the Style section and
flicked through the Culture – and he kissed her goodbye and surely he wouldn’t have stayed if he didn’t like her – I mean, who would do that? What kind of a man would lead a girl on in that way unless he was really interested?

By Thursday morning Vicky still has a shred of hope. Jamie Donnelly knows she works at
Poise!
– he could call her at work, you never know. She lowers her voice to a sultry purr every time she picks up the phone, and each time it is not him.

At lunchtime she takes the tabloids down to the café on the corner, grabs a sandwich and attempts to drown her misery in a Perrier as she flicks through the papers, keeping up with what’s going on in the entertainment world, what the women’s desks are writing about, hoping for inspiration, looking for ideas.

She turns to Bizarre and her heart stops. There, in the centre of the page, is a huge picture of Jamie Donnelly and Denise Van Outen. Kissing. Actually, not quite kissing. More like snogging. Vicky puts her sandwich down and swallows the wave of nausea rising up before reading the text, praying that this is an old photo, that it doesn’t mean anything.

At last night’s afterparty for the new smash

film,
Forgotten Mountains
, hot new couple

Jamie Donnelly and Denise Van Outen show

why they’re so sizzling. As they disappeared

into his flat, he said, ‘I’ve fancied Denise for

ages.’ All we can say to Jamie is:
Is that your

dog or are you just pleased to see her!!

Why does this always happen to me? Vicky thinks, blinking back the tears. For it’s not as if Jamie Donnelly is the love of her life, but he represented a dream, and every time Vicky’s dreams threaten to become reality, something always happens, and she always ends up alone.