Life Is Not a Fairy Tale (14 page)

Grandma Addie always said, “Have hope and faith and things will work out.” My mother believes it too. “Just hold on” is what my mother used to tell me, and “Believe in yourself,” regardless of the circumstances. She would say, “Believe that things will always get better.” That is what she used to tell me as she looked in the refrigerator and there was nothing to eat except for grits for the third day in a row. I remember my mother going with a friend to get the government-supplied free groceries. She would come home with cheese, powered milk, and peanut butter. My mother used to take the cheese that came in a long cardboard box and make the following dinners: cheese and eggs, cheese and grits, rice and cheese, and cheese sandwiches. Because she was serving it with a smile at the same time, she was a living example of the power of “holdin’ on.” I know now that faith was the only thing that kept my family going through the hardest times. I also know that without hope and faith in troubled times, there would be no reason to go on. When we were eating cheese and grits, or worse, every day, we might have given up without our faith to sustain us. I believe that God has a plan for each of us and we must keep our faith strong so that we are still here to see what He has in store.

Mama used to tell me to always maintain my inner strength, which is what Addie taught her. When I was a small girl and wondering how I would make it through the hardships of low self-esteem in a world that believes in beauty above all else, even above God, my mother would say, “You are stronger than you know. You can make it.” My mother believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. And all those days that I cried and she just kept telling me about my gift, she was right. But Mama needed her inner strength when she thought I had thrown away my gift by getting pregnant. I floundered but found mine when I finally accepted that B. was wrong for me and used that strength to turn away from him. All of the women in my family have tremendous inner strength, and all of that strength has been tested many times over and we’re still here. It is my inner strength that made it possible for me to go to the
American Idol
auditions—not wearing the right clothes and just holding my gift in my pocket. Mama said I could make it, and I did.

One of my grandmother’s favorite sayings is “God’s forgiveness is the key to freedom.” My mother is the most forgiving woman I know. She has tried to teach this lesson to me, but it’s been a difficult one to learn. It still amazes me as I watch my mother still being civil to my father and living under the same roof and still calling him her husband. Mama is a living testimony of forgiveness. There were so many years that she didn’t smile or laugh for months at a time because her marriage was so hard. My mother once told me about her own marriage, “I got married because it was my decision. It was a disgrace to have children and no husband. I know; I did it too young. I guess I was sixteen when I was pregnant with Rico, and it was not quite a year when Joseph was born. I got married and tried to grow up a little too fast. I should have waited and gotten a degree and gone back to school or something. I made the decision and decided if it didn’t last but a week, I could say I was married.”

My mother forgave herself for the choices that she made and therefore never demanded that I get married when I got pregnant. She once wrote me a letter that said, “Fantasia, I didn’t want to push you to go back to school, but I didn’t want to rush you into marriage either. Too young, I had to be a mother and wife. And I didn’t want that for you. I wanted you to believe that you could have a second chance. I wanted you to do something that you would
decide to do.
I was embarrassed because I got pregnant a second time and my mother told me that was a disgrace. I got married because of my upbringing, but I don’t want you to marry for that reason. I want you to forgive yourself and move on with your life.” I love my mother because she is in the process of forgiving herself. Now I can see that Grandma Addie was right: forgiveness is the key to freedom, and in our own way both Mama and I are finally free.

Although we are mother and daughter and friends and tell each other most things, there are a few things that we have never said to each other or shared with the world. Because our connection is so strong, we have hopes and dreams for each other that are really for ourselves, because we are from the same root. What I wish for my mother is that she is always a blessed woman and that the pain and disappointment that her marriage has caused can slowly be washed away from her. I hope that she will always have nice things around her that make her happy. I also wish that my mother could see that there are good and trustworthy people in the world. My mother has been through so many things; her heart has hardened in some ways. She doesn’t go out. She doesn’t have any friends who she trusts. She has had friends steal from her, lie to her, and try to date her husband. My dream is to show my mother the wonderful people who I have met. I wish that I could introduce her to all of the Idols who were all from different places and were my friends. They were there for me. I want to show her that there are people in the world that you can trust. But most of all I wish Mama happiness, so that the smile that she used to have when Aunt Rayda was alive will return to her after all these years of grieving her loss.

My mother’s wish for me was that I would break our family’s generational curse. When I got pregnant, it was a mistake she had seen too many times in our family and that is not what she wanted for me. My grandmother still has hopes that I will finish high school, which is what she wanted for all three of her daughters. My aunts accomplished that goal and so did my grandmother—my mother and I did not. My mother wanted better for me and she knew I was really talented and loved people and she had big dreams for me. But she knows that I need to have an education to really be able to take care of myself and my daughter. She doesn’t want me to focus on the negatives, like the fact that I can’t read very well. She wants me to know that I’m not dumb; I’ve just had some extra challenges in my life that have made me stronger. And I finally believe her. She wanted me to be everything that she didn’t become and I’m working on it. She’s got big dreams for me now—she wants to see me go to the Grammys because she never did. Next year,
I will.

My mother says that I have matured a lot over the last few years. She is proud. She says that I matured after Zion was born. She also says that I matured after
American Idol
because I never lost myself with all the things that were goin’ on and all the ways I could have fallen into the “Hollywood” trap of drinking and partying—just showing out. She knew the pressure that I was under and was a little worried about whether I could handle it all. But I continue to try and make her proud. Mama says that
American Idol
brought a lot of discipline to my life and brought me far enough to have goals and dreams, when before, I had none. She is also proud that I never forget where I came from. She always tells me to keep it real with myself and other people. She wants me to remain grateful for what I have and never forget that I can lose it as quickly as it came.

The torch has now been passed to me to raise my little girl like the women in my life have raised theirs, but hopefully without all of the drama and pain that lack of money causes. I feel scared because I don’t think I’m in any way equal to the women that my mother and grandmother are.

For Zion, I will tell her that God should come first in her life. I will show her how God turned our life around because of the gift that God gave me to sing. I will tell Zion the stories of Montlieu Avenue and how I dropped out of school and what I have had to go through because I made that choice. Zion will know how to pray, like every woman in our family. I just pray that she will be praying for good grades, a good job, and a good man, not praying for bills to be paid or for the lights to stay on. Hopefully our family is through with those types of prayers.

I will teach Zion to forgive. But I hope she will not have to forgive a man for hurting her or stealing from her or leaving her alone with a baby. I hope that she will someday be able to forgive her daddy for abandoning her. I will tell her about disappointments in life and how we set certain expectations for the people we love and sometimes they don’t do what we want them to do.

Zion will know about respecting others, because she will grow up in a world filled with music and cultures and people from all parts of the world. I will teach her to love and respect all people, but she will also learn from me how to respect herself. My hope for Zion is that she won’t be a desperate woman. My prayer is that Zion will build herself up inside, so that there won’t be any holes in her heart, needin’ a man to fill. I will teach her to fill herself with God.

The last thing that I will teach Zion is to have inner strength. I want her to have the kind of strength that Addie and Mama had, and that I have had at times. All of us have had the strength to keep going no matter what happened to us. No matter how cruel life can be, I want Zion to be a survivor.

My mother was excited that I wanted to write a chapter about her. She wanted the chapter to be in my own words like the rest of the book, but she was dyin’ to get in somewhere. So, I told her, Mama, you can put in your moments of faith. Her moments got us to this moment.

W
hen I won
Idol,
it was like a dream come true—but there were strings attached that I hadn’t even thought about. The dream part was that there were 65 million people who decided that I was the best singer in the competition and voted for me. That part was wonderful. But the newfound money part has not been easy for me. Now I know you’re thinkin’ that should be the easiest part of winning, but the truth is that I struggle with the enormous change in this area of my life. I struggle with it every single day.

My mother used to say to us about the poor financial decisions we made, “Y’all make bad decisions. You don’t plan for things; you just do things without a plan and then you are nowhere.” Then Mama would shake her head regretfully and say, “That’s what usually happens to people who come from nothin’ and suddenly have more money than they thought they could.” Today my mother says that she is sorry for us all because we never saw anyone who had real money and now we don’t know how to act when we do have money.

As you know, my family struggled every step of the way. It was a struggle to get Christmas gifts every year and that was even in the years when my parents had jobs. Some years, Christmas gifts were not even talked about. Some years, my family struggled so much that singin’ was the only gift we got.

Singin’ was all we knew. We were always trying to catch a hustle by performing anywhere we could. When you have had a life like that, money is always a short-lived reward for just being somewhere and giving a song. There was never enough money to accumulate or save. When you got it, you spent it and that’s just the way it was. When we would perform, the money we got was just enough to pay for that evening’s dinner or the gas to get back home. We weren’t even livin’ paycheck to paycheck like some folks; we were livin’ dollar to dollar.

And all those years we still took our music seriously because we felt that getting money just to sing was a blessing. The singing made us feel like we were ten feet tall. The cash was just gravy. Sadly, all that has changed for me now. Now that money and material things have entered my life, I don’t feel as rich just being near the music as I did before. Now I feel like, even though I have so much more than I ever thought I would, it’s not enough. Makin’ music is no longer just an honor. Now I feel like the music is work and I deserve to be paid for my work. I see now that having more money makes you need and need more and more money. The more you have the more you think you need. I have gained some money, but I think I lost something valuable—I have forgotten how to be happy with what I have.

My whole family is strugglin’ with money just as we always were, but in a different way. We’re struggling to understand real money—not just “gas money,” not just “dinner money,” but
real
money that is enough to accumulate and save and invest. None of us have ever had it like that and that is why we are so confused about how to be with this new wealth of ours. We have been in need of things for so long that it’s hard to change our way of thinking, especially when it seems we can get what we want so easily.

Diamonds, luxury cars, and too many clothes are so tempting to me. All I can think of is all those years I didn’t have nice clothes to wear. All I can think of is all those years that I felt so ugly and poor and not dressed well enough. All I can think of is those girls with new clothes on the first day of school every year and my shame of my summer-worn clothes from last year. But I get scared of shopping too much, because I would never stop if I started. I feel like I could spend everything I had on clothes just to wash away those childhood memories. I think the reason my family is now spending so much money is because they are trying to buy their way out of their past.

When I’m thinkin’ clear, I know I don’t want to be broke. I don’t want to be just another “famous girl” tryin’ to forget the past so hard that I act a fool and waste all that I have on material goods. After all the past is what brought me and my family to this point. I am just sayin’ a prayer that God will guide me. I also ask God that He touch the hearts of my family and let them see the possibilities of saving and investing and not be blinded by the bling.

Having money has always been a subject that makes people uncomfortable. Like the rap song says, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”
That is the truth.
When you have always had nothin’, you don’t expect as much. Your expectations are as simple as your current lifestyle. If your only concern is having enough to eat and payin’ your rent and you don’t own anything, your only goal is just to make it day to day, or week to week, or month to month. That’s not an easy life, but it’s a pretty simple one, and it’s one that most people I know live every day.

The hip-hop bling-bling culture is based on livin’ the millionaire life or at least lookin’ like you live the millionaire life. And with all these hip-hop and pop songs talking about “millions” in every verse, everyone seems to always be thinking about getting as much money as they can. How much money you get is the first thing people think about with fame and celebrity. I hate to break the news, but just because a person has fame and celebrity, you can’t assume they are anywhere close to having a million dollars. I bet you’re assuming that I have millions, but, trust me, that ain’t the truth.

First of all, as a winner on
American Idol,
I can tell you that everyone is interested about what the winner wins. The winner of the show does get a million-dollar record deal, but does not get a million dollars in cash as some people think. Most people don’t understand the actual numbers behind the music business at all. You must be wondering why there is a whole chapter about money. Because what I have realized is that news of my winning automatically leads people to thinkin’ about money. I hate the thought that money might make us who we are, but the sad news is that, all too often in this world, it seems that it does.

What makes me laugh about it is that the Barrino Family never had money. All we had was music, good singing voices, and an anointing from God. Mama used to say, “Money is the root of all evil.” I’m beginning to think she may be right. Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for many of the things that this newfound money has brought me. But I also feel guilty getting caught up in this money thing, when I never meant to. It’s like a tidal wave. Maybe that’s why so many of us never wanted to do much in High Point. With success comes money, and that can be scary when you come from where I do. Everyone in the ghetto talks about wantin’ money and gettin’ money and makin’ money, but if they ever were to make some real money they wouldn’t know how to manage it and then they would still end up with nothing, but it would be twice as hard to go back to not having any money.

Why is it that when we have money we feel like we can have more things? That makes us feel like we’re better than people who don’t have money or who have fewer things. People put too much power in money for it to be such a fleeting thing. Money don’t last. You can have money one day and lose it the next. You can lose it in a card game or a stupid bet or you can lose it in a slot machine with just one pull of a lever. That is the evil of money. Why are we not as equally obsessed with God, who is lasting and almighty? Why has money replaced God as the most important thing? I’m blessed by what God has given me and my family, but this money thing continues to worry me.

For those who think that I’m now livin’ large, this is an example of what happens to large sums of money, based on my own experience.

You always have to begin with taxes and management fees, so now you’re looking at less than half of what you started with. I decided I wanted a house. My family has always rented houses, so it has always been my dream to own a house for us to live in, a house that we could really call our own. I also understood that buying a home was a better investment than spending my money on a luxury car that I couldn’t drive or diamonds that I probably wouldn’t wear. I liked the idea of spending my money on something I believe in and that is home! So now my whole family lives in a beautiful house that I bought in Charlotte, North Carolina. This is a great blessing for us and I love goin’ home every chance I get. I also love calling it “my home” because owning a home of my own was a dream that I couldn’t even imagine just a short while ago.

Of course, I have monthly bills just like everybody else. We all have to pay the utility bills, put dinner on the table, pay for insurance, and pay for all those minutes that we spend talking on the phone. But when you’re in the public eye, you suddenly have expenses that you never even thought about like security, hairstylists, and assistants. And one of the blessings of having some money in my pocket is getting to do what I love best (next to singin’) and that is helpin’ people. I’ve helped my family by buying them new cars and givin’ them a place to live. I’ve paid off their bills and given them some things that they always wanted. And I’ve helped friends by giving them spending money to buy things they really want. I tithe every week, and I always have some money in my pocket so I can help those in need. I believe in givin’ back.

It gives me a good feeling that I can do things for Mama and my brother Xavier. It makes me feel good that Xavier goes to a good school. I want him to have every advantage possible in life so he can go on to college. I want Xavier to be “cool,” handsome, and
smart
—which he already is. I want him to be a workin’ man with a few dollars in his pocket. I don’t want him to be hustlin’ with the neighborhood boys hangin’ out at the gas station, waitin’ to make trouble. Xavier is better than that. He was raised right and for once, one of Mama’s kids will choose right, even if it is with a little help from me. It makes me smile to be able to give him the schoolin’ he needs to help himself become a good man who knows how to be productive and prosper. Because Mama takes care of Zion for me, I feel that I should help her with raising Xavier, because she can’t go out and make money on her own anymore. It’s like that saying: “Give a man a fish, and you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime.” I would like to teach Xavier and my whole family to fish.

So for all of you who think that I’m sittin’ around countin’ my millions just because I won
American Idol,
I’m here to tell ya livin’ large just means that you need more money and it brings bigger money worries. Y’all know I’m tellin’ it all, because I want to set the record straight. I’ve taken on a lot to take care of my family and I have to work every single day to continue to have enough for all of them.

Also, because I didn’t write any of the songs on my first album, my income from the record sales is less than that of artists who do write their own songs. However, I look forward to collaborating on songs in the future. And all artists have to pay management-related fees. I don’t mean to tell my business like that, but people ask me about it all the time and everybody waits for me to pay when they are with me. I also need to understand the reality of the money situation for myself. I struggle every day with keeping my promise to my family and keeping my promise to myself, which was to make it with my music and not ever have to go without again.

Since I won
American Idol,
nothing is the same. It seems like one day I was hanging out in High Point and the next day I was being taken around by a Realtor looking at houses that I never thought I would be able to see the inside of, much less be able to buy one and own it.

I think my problem has always been thinking that having material things would make me happy. I think my whole family and all of the people from home have the same problem. What I’m realizing is that money and things don’t make you happy. All things really can do for you is make you more comfortable. And comfort is
not
happiness.

Now that I have a little money, I’m noticing that money seems to mean everything to almost everybody I know. I guess it always has been this way, but being involved with real money for the first time and seeing how it complicates things, I’m now standing back and appreciating the little things in life. The simplest and most important thing in my life is Zion. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with her since all of this has happened. So, just by being with her, having her fall asleep in my room or in my lap makes me feel like the richest and happiest woman in the world. It’s her deep need for me and my being there that makes priceless moments.

Zion has taught me a lot about happiness. And even though I once believed that having material things would make us both happy, I learned from Zion’s deep brown eyes that when I would give her a new doll or a new toy or a pink canopy bed for her princess room, and then said I have to go away again, the canopy, the new dolls, and the new toys suddenly didn’t mean anything to her. Her eyes said it all. All she wanted was for me to stay with her. And when I saw that look in her eyes, I realized those material things really didn’t mean anything to me, either. I have to admit that I did spend money on Zion. I had a big need for Zion, and I wanted her to have new clothes, not hand-me-downs. I wanted her to have more than two pretty pink church dresses so she could choose from several. I wanted her to have shiny new patent leather shoes for church. I wanted her to have matching bows for her hair. I wanted my baby to have a winter coat like they have in the baby magazines. I wanted Zion to feel like a princess. I know I’m probably overdoing it with Zion, but what I want for her most above all else is pride, the one thing that I didn’t have when I was comin’ up. I wanted Zion to have all the things that I always wanted and never had. That may have been selfish in a way, but it just made me feel better that as a single parent I was trying to provide all the things that were missing. I see now that buying all those things for Zion was for me only. Now I’m much more aware of what to give Zion. I don’t buy her things every time I miss her or am feeling guilty about being away. Now I only give her what she needs, like a call every night to say good night. That makes her much happier and it makes me happier than anything I could buy.