Life Begins (15 page)

Anyway, Jack said, “Then loosen
up. And part your lips a little. You can't expect me slip my tongue
in your mouth with your teeth clenched like that.”

“Ewww! You were going to slip your
tongue in my mouth? That's gross, Jack. I said I wanted you to kiss
me, not stick your tongue in my mouth”, I said as I started to walk
away.

“Where are you going?”

“I'm going home. You're ruining
everything. I want my first kiss to be something special, and
you're trying to stick your tongue down my throat.”

“And what do you think your
precious Gene is going to try to do? I have it on a very good
authority that he is trying to French kiss you. No couple in our
grade has done that yet. He's trying to prove that you are more of
a couple than John and Cindy.”

“You have it good authority? You
aren't even friends with him. Why don't you just admit it, Jack?
You're the one that wants to French kiss me. You're just upset that
I'm dating Gene, who is more of a man than you ever will
be.”

“My, God. You women are crazy.
Just when I think I'm beginning to understand you, you come out
with some new crap that makes you even more psycho than I thought
you were.”

“I hate you, Jack Allen Gynapsy.
And I'm sorry that I ever wanted you to be first kiss”, I said as I
stormed away.

“Did you ever think that guys talk
about what they do with girls when girls aren't around? I have it
on good authority that he is wanting more than just a peck. I also
know about the other night at the movies when he put his arm around
you.”

And I don't know if it was the
sadness in his voice, or the fact that I knew he knew about Gene
getting a little fresh on one of our dates, but I turned back
around.

“You're only eleven, Christine.
You don't need to try to grow up so fast”, he said as more of a
father than a lover.

As I accepted this, more because
of the look he shot me than the words he had said, he held out his
arms. I walked over to him and hugged him. And for whatever reason,
I started crying.

“You don't really think I'm
psycho, do you”, I asked.

“Honey, you're not psycho. I may
not always understand you, but you're not psycho. Now, come on,
stop your crying. I hate to see you cry”, he said as he wiped my
eyes and kissed me on the forehead.

And although I knew he didn't want
me to, I started crying even more. I couldn't help it. I just
thought about how much it was going to suck to be a teenager. Jack
and I weren't even there yet, and we were already acting
differently towards each other. Fortunately he knew enough to just
shut up and hold me. As I have gotten older, I have found few boys
who have learned how to do this. They all want to fix whatever is
wrong.

I'm glad that Jack never asked me
what was wrong that night. There was no way to put into words
everything that I was feeling. You see, my problem was that I liked
two boys. And even if I was dating one of the boys, I wanted the
boy that I wasn't dating to be my first kiss. Looking back, I think
it was an extremely silly thing to be feeling, but it seemed very
important and life altering at the time. I have kissed so many boys
since that who was my first kiss was hardly seems important. I can
kiss a guy now and not have it mean anything. I mean, I can make
out with a guy and act like it's no different than shaking a
stranger's hand. I wonder if I will become the same way with sex. I
know that some girls can just sleep with a guy and think nothing
about it. My mom does. And then there are some sluts at school that
have been doing this. I don't want to say that my mom is a slut.
She's just lonely and needs to be loved. She looks so hard for love
that sometimes she doesn't act in a very smart way. I don't think
you know what all my father did to her self-esteem. The emotional
abuse was horrific. And that's really quite different than the
skanks I know at school. They are sex addicts that will screw
anything. I'm serious.

I know that if I turn out to be a
girl like that it's probably not going to matter much if Jack was
my first. I just think that he should get to claim that I was his
first. He has been there enough for me throughout everything that
he just kind of deserves it. Plus it makes me feel better about
myself. If nothing else, I figure he might never want to sleep with
me if I have sex with somebody else. Other guys won't care who I've
slept with, but Jack... Jack is different. I think that is the only
thing I could ever do to really hurt him. I think he would still be
friends with me if I slept with somebody else, but I don't think he
could ever forgive me. It would ruin everything that we
have.

Anyway, back to the story. Jack
and I didn't kiss that night. I ended up breaking up with Gene a
few weeks later. I think he got upset that I only kissed him with
little pecks. I can't really blame him. I would have probably
dumped somebody who kissed me with their teeth clenched. It would
be like trying to kiss a pit bull. Who wants to kiss that? I never
really did Gene properly. He moved away a year or so later. I saw a
picture of him a while ago online. He’s still a pretty good looking
guy. He’s a little more masculine looking now, but he still has a
beautiful smile.

Anyway, Jack and I didn't have our
first kiss until the night that I left to be sent to the Catholic
school. I don't know what was different about that night than the
night that I tried to get him to kiss me and he wanted to slip me
some tongue. Maybe it was how we had grown closer together after my
breakup with Gene. Maybe it was the extra months of maturity that I
had gained. Whatever it was, it was a full mouth, tongue infused
kiss of amazingness that came at the right time in my life where I
could properly enjoy it and not be grossed out by it.

I hated the Catholic school with a
passion that you could not believe. Jack was the only person to
ever write to me there. He kept all talk of my parents out of the
letters.

I didn't understand then why I had
to go to the Catholic school. My parents were never really
Catholic. I mean, they had been brought up in the Church, but they
never attended. And I had never been to church in my life, except
when I was baptized. I mean, we went a few times at Christmas and
Easter, but I don't even really remember those times.

My parents were never extremely
moral people, and I didn't see the need of going to a school that
taught morality as well as everything else that you are supposed to
learn at school. I mean, my dad cheated on my mom while they were
still on their honeymoon. My mom was an alcoholic. All they had
ever taught me was to lie to keep up appearances and to be
extremely materialistic.

I hated the uniforms. What girl
wants to dress like every other girl? Jack thinks I hated the
school so much because I was never one for religion, education, or
large groups of girls. Jack likes the first two, but we are similar
in that we can't really spend a lot of time with people of the same
sex. Jack doesn't have a lot of guy friends and can't stand most
guys. I'm the same way with girls, except that I don't even really
have a lot of female friends. I just never saw the point of hanging
out with girls. They always talk about you behind your back and try
to steal your men. I mean, I could hang out with a slightly heavy
girl, but that would be a pity friendship. I would just end up
saying how pretty she really is, even if she is a little heavy. But
frankly, I don't want to be seen with a slightly heavy girl. And
it's not because I am vain. I have no problem talking to chubby
girls. I don't even make fun of them behind their backs. It's just
that... Well, you tend to become like the people that you hang out
with. I could get fat. I don't want that. So you see, it has
nothing to do with vanity. I just don't want to get fat because of
a friend.

Jack is my best friend. For a
large part of the time that I have known him, he really has been
more like the type of friend that a girl should be friends with me
than a boyfriend. And I can't ever really tell him that without him
getting upset. And it's not that I mean it in a bad way. I know why
he gets mad at me saying it. I have teased him for a long time
about being gay-ish, but Jack is... Well, he's not a normal guy and
never has been. He listens. He's sensitive. He doesn't fight, like
sports, cars, or anything typically male. He has never gone hunting
or fired a gun in his life. He says he doesn't see the need to kill
an animal for sport when he is not going to be eating its meat or
using its hide for clothing.

He knows that he's not a typical
man. I actually respect him. I can't say that about a lot of guys
that I have met. Most are stupid manipulators that say and do
things to just try to get into your pants. And it's not that Jack
doesn't try to get into your pants. It's just that when he tries to
get into your pants, he makes sure that he has permission to
approach before he even starts to do something. Not that he has
gotten into my pants. Not that I haven't given him enough
permission. I once signed an actual permission slip giving him full
access to any part of my body that he would ever want to make love
to. I even had my mom sign it. She was drunk at the time and didn't
really know what she was signing, but it was still a permission
slip. Jack has just never taken me up on my offer. As much as I
might find this frustrating, it is still something that I secretly
love and admire about him. I like that he is not with me for purely
sexual reasons. It makes me feel like I have some sort of
self-worth.

I have always known that I was
good looking, but that was all I ever had going for me. I don't
care about being smart. My grades are average. I just have never
been able to get interested in anything that they teach you at
school. I care too much about what other people are wearing, what
they are doing, who's dating who, and stuff like that. I mean, that
is what is really important in life. Who cares what a bunch of dead
people did? And what good is math or science? I'm never going to
use that stuff, except to balance my checkbook. I already know
enough to do that. And I can read, even if I never read for
enjoyment. The point is that I can communicate by writing and then
understand what another human being said when they write back to
me. I know everything that I ever could possibly need to know in
life. The social skills I am more interested in are going to be
infinitely more valuable than what they are teaching me at
school.

Jack doesn't see it this way. Jack
can talk about things and think about things that I could never
begin to understand. And while I can get him to talk about fashion
or the latest gossip, I don't think it gets him as excited as it
does me. Sometimes he smiles when I am talking to him about this
stuff, but I can’t tell if he laughing at me or not. He says he’s
not. He says he just likes to see how my mind works.

I wish I could be smarter just so
I could talk to him better. I have always been afraid that my
beauty will fade and that he will see me for the stupid little girl
that I am. He says that he will never think of me that way, but I
think he is still under the spell of my beauty. Once I lose this
enchantment, he will lose all interest in me. And since Jack isn't
like most boys, I can't really offer him sagging breasts and a
loose vagina and expect him to get turned on by it. Other guys will
still jump on it because they are just that horny, but Jack has
standards. I can't even seduce him now with everything being perky
and tight. Right now I meet his standards of beauty. What is going
to happen later in life?

Jack tries to reassure me that my
beauty will never fade for him, but I have seen my parents'
relationships. I know that I am going to end up like my mother,
even if I have a bit of my father's cruelty in me. I am still a
girl, and this is a man's world. There has never been any hope for
me, except to marry well. And if I am able to find a guy that is
rich enough to support me and any kids I might have with him, I
know that he is probably going to cheat on me. I'm okay with that.
All I really want out of a marriage is a guy that I can somewhat
get along with. I don't want to be treated like how my mother was
treated. The emotional abuse would be too much. I'm far too
independent to put up with something like that, but I think I could
be perfectly happy if my husband at least cared enough about me to
put up a front of a happy marriage while cheating on me. It may not
make sense to you, but it would at least show that he cared about
my feelings.

I can never tell Jack any of this.
He's just... You know, for somebody that has an old soul, he's not
very practical. He's too much of a romantic. I have never been able
to figure that out about him. He's an incurably hopeless romantic
that refuses to accept the fact that we can never be together. If I
try to tell him that he is naïve, he acts like I am the young one
without any life experience. I don't know how many times I have
broken his heart, and yet he still believes that our love is going
to last forever. He still believes that I can never do anything to
him that will forever crush his heart. And it's not that I am
planning on doing anything that will intentionally harm him. I
mean, I did sort of do that sort of thing when I was younger, but I
have grown a lot since then. It's just that I am being realistic. I
know that I can never keep him fully satisfied. We can never last
as a couple.