Life Begins (14 page)

              But he had it. “Is it your only gun?” He shook his head, no. “How many do you have?” And where was he keeping them?

              “Do not ask questions that you are not wanting answers to. Just trust me that house is safe and that I am making sure that it remains safe.”

              She just had to know. “Safe from what? What is it that you do?” She couldn’t help the grimace on her face at asking that question, because she wasn’t sure that she wanted to know. But, in this case, she really had to know what was going on if he was being this extra secretive about everything.

              Žarko watched her as he undressed and readied himself for bed. She wondered what he had to be thinking. It was only when he finally came to stand before her that she really began to worry. He looked so serious. The sight had her nibbling on her lips in nervousness. “Žarko. You’re really starting to scare me right now.”
Am I really wanting to know what’s going on?

              “Are you sure you can handle knowing the truth? It is not easy thing.”

              She took a deep breath and tried to calm her pulsating heart. “Žarko, please tell me.” She would have to deal with the consequences of her decisions later. If she could handle things that he had to say.

              “You cannot leave me once I say this. We are being in this life together after this.”

              She nodded. “Okay.” She didn’t have plans to leave in the first place. God, she was so scared. “Just tell me.”

              “I handle things in a certain type of business. Things that are not always legal or very safe.”

              So in other words, mob. The very knowledge shot through her, causing her knees to collapse beneath her. Her husband caught her around the back, his other arm catching her behind the knees to lift her off her feet. “It is late. Girls will be awake soon and you will need sleep to function.” She listened, allowing him to lay her down and climb into bed with her. It wasn’t like she knew what to say. “Do not think that your life will change,” he whispered to her in the darkness. “You are still wife and mother to children. You are not using gun or changing the way that you work. If there is danger, then I will handle it, so that you can relax.”

              “But then, you will be in danger and now I will have to worry.” She felt the tears beginning to prickle at the edges of her eyes. He laid a kiss against her temple.

              “Rest. We will talk about it in the morning.” The morning did not make her feel any better.

Chapter 14

              The thought of packing her children and leaving tempted her all throughout the day. No matter how hard she tried to fight it, she couldn’t help but think about the fact that her husband did mob work for a living. He didn’t tell her the role that he played in the organization, and she didn’t ask, but it now made sense when she thought about how easily he paid off her debts.

              His anger at her ex-husband also made sense, as well as the fact that he was so willing to do violence for the offence of Gary simply touching her.

              She didn’t know a thing about being a mob wife. She couldn’t bear to watch the Sopranos when it came on television and the few times she did watch with someone, she found that she wasn’t exactly thrilled about some of their actions. As much as she had come to trust her husband, she now found herself wondering about some of his late hours.

              Did he have another woman on the side? It wouldn’t be impossible considering she hadn’t ever thought to ask him certain questions previously. Now, she found herself really feeling silly for not asking. It was like, she hadn’t learned anything at all from her time with Gary.

              But, no matter how much the thought of staying with him frightened her, she decided that she needed to hold to her promise that she wouldn’t leave him, not that she thought that he would ever allow her to in the first place. Besides, she wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving after Žarko spent so much money helping her to get out of debt. Then, there was also the girls. She loved those two girls and didn’t want them to suffer from her leaving because she couldn’t get a handle on her fear.

              She didn’t know what to do, or even, what to think. God didn’t seem willing to answer her prayers. Or maybe he did and she just wasn’t listening to him. Whatever she did, she had to make a decision before he woke and stopped her from trying to run away.

              “What’s wrong,
majka
?” Ljiljiana asked her at the breakfast table.

              Josie jumped, even as she tried to put on a smile. “Nothing. I just didn’t get much sleep last night with the baby and with waiting up for your father. Now, I’m just tired and being silly.” That answer should hopefully make sense for the intelligent little girl. It was mostly true anyway. She knew that she was being silly.

              Žarko wasn’t about to become some other man just because she found out about what he did for a living.  At least, she hoped that he didn’t suddenly change into another person. That would just kill her inside.

              “I hate when
tata
works late,” Desa said, pancakes partly stuffed in her mouth. “He’s never fun when he leaves at night.”

              “That’s because he’s tired,” Ljiljiana said in response. “That’s why we now have
majka
, to make sure that we get to school on time and have fun.”

              The other little girl pouted, but only briefly before the call of breakfast dragged her back to eating.  Josie remained quiet, now understanding more than the girls about why their father sometimes wasn’t
fun
. If he did the things that she assumed he did, then obviously it would take him at least a little time to get himself feeling like a normal human being again.

              Could that have been why he didn’t mind paying for her to be the mother of his children? It kept him from forcing himself to have a cheer he didn’t feel on nights when he had to do some dirty work? She hated that she didn’t know and probably couldn’t ask him and feel right to do so. It was a spiritual struggle inside her that kept pulling her in different directions, never letting her go long enough to feel as if she could relax.

              “I probably should get you guys to school.  Make sure you have all your things because I would hate for you not get full points for your work.”

              After she dropped off the girls, she returned home to find her husband awake with both kids. They sat on the sleek new black sofa that Žarko had bought for the home, watching some children’s programming that she couldn’t understand, because, of course, it was in Serbian. Her son gave her a wide smile as soon as he saw her. “Hi, mama.” She felt her husband’s eyes watching her as she entered the room. She felt strange, almost like she was a stranger in her own house.

              “Good morning, baby boy. Did you sleep well?” He nodded his head enthusiastically, as if he hadn’t given her trouble during the night. “Are you guys hungry? I made pancakes for the girls and still have some batter left over.”

              She would have thought it was Christmas morning, the way that Josif smiled at her. “Please.”

              She gave a brief laugh on the way to the kitchen. “Okay, then. Pancakes it is.” She would just have to talk to her husband later.

              “Can we talk?” Josie asked her husband as soon as she entered his office hidden at the back of the house. She had just gotten her two to lay down for their nap and felt that this would be the perfect time to finish the conversation that she needed to have with the man she called her husband.

              He beckoned her inside. “Come, sit down.” She did, taking the seat that he pulled right beside him. “You are being very scared today. I am surprised that you have not run.”

              She shifted in her chair uncomfortably, knowing that running is exactly what she wanted to do. “You told me I couldn’t leave if I knew the truth.” His raised eyebrow irritated her. Why was he looking at her like she was the one doing something strange? “Why are you looking at me like that?”

              “Why are you being silly wife?”

              “How am I silly? You told me last night that if you told me what you did, then I couldn’t leave you. You made it sound all serious, like you were going to off me or something. So, of course I wouldn’t leave.”

              Why did he get to sneer at her like he was the one offended. “You will not watch stupid movies if they are making you silly. Why would I kill my wife? So I can raise four children by myself?” He made a rude sound at the back of his throat.

              “Then what did you mean?” she practically yelled.

              “We have wedding vows that say for good or bad. You cannot leave because you have agreed to stay with me and work things out. I say you cannot leave because you will not leave and break up family. Maybe you are carrying new baby.” His baby.

              Josie didn’t know why she hadn’t thought about that. They were doing nothing to protect against a pregnancy. Mostly because she knew that he really wanted another child. He would never let her leave him and risk never seeing a child that they created together, even if she had a place to go.

              He suddenly smiled. “You did not think of new baby.”

              “No,” she admitted. She hadn’t even thought about the fact that she didn’t have a job or a way to have some kind of income even if she did decide to leave. She’d trapped herself. Again, to a man that willingly paid for everything and allowed her to be the at home mother that she’d always dreamed of being. The only difference this time was that the deception wasn’t about not wanting children, but was about the work itself.

              “I am careful with my family. My girls, you, Josif. New baby. All of you I protect with my life.”

              “But, who is going to protect you? How am I to know that you will be safe?” She didn’t want to wake up one morning to find that her husband had been killed.

              He leaned forward to kiss her. “I am too far at top and too deep into the shadow to be in danger like that.” She had no idea what that even meant, but she trusted that he meant what he said. Still, she knew that she would never stop fearing what could happen. As her grandfather used to say, the man that tended to live by the sword always died by it.

              She could already see it, one day, something would happen and his darkness would then invade the lightness of the peaceful life she lived. She had no idea what it is that they would do when that day finally came. She simply decided that she would pray that they would be ready for that day. “I don’t want you bringing your work home with you,” she told him. “I don’t want to know what happens. I don’t want to care about any of this. You die and I’ll be angry at you forever. I don’t even want you getting hurt because that would just about ruin me.”

              She was glad that he didn’t do what Gary used to do to her. He didn’t dismiss her concerns off hand and treat her like she was crazy to be concerned about him. He didn’t even try to put on bravado and pretend that he had everything under control. She admired that about him most of all. “There’s a large part of me that wishes that I wasn’t falling in love with you. Just so I could leave you and not have to go through all this.”

              “You still would not leave, because you love girls.”

              “You don’t have to sound so smug about it.”

              “I am not being smug. If I were being smug, then I would mention that you would not leave because of what we do in bedroom. You still owe me for being good at princess movie.”

              Josie jumped up from her seat. “On that note, I have to go get started on dinner. You…keep doing whatever it is you are doing and we’ll both just ignore the conversation we just had.”

              Žarko didn’t bother hiding the amusement slanting his lips. “Okay. We will discuss your payment tonight.”

              She couldn’t find anything to say in argument and so took the exit presented to her. She escaped to her personal haven, not having a single idea of what she wanted to make for dinner, but knowing that she desperately needed to have some time to herself. Time that would allow her to deal with all of the emotions running through her.

              Her life had taken such a dark turn and now she needed to deal with it. She stared into the fridge, not really looking at the food lining the shelves. Instead, she worked through the process of knowing that she had done this to herself.

              In safety, she allowed her tears to fall unchecked. She didn’t necessarily feel trapped in her situation, because she knew that Žarko would allow her to leave if she really so desired to. She knew that she just had to get over this one part. Now that her eyes were open, she could no longer pretend ignorance. She finally wiped away the tears from her eyes.

              “I really am being silly. He’s still the same person. You know that you aren’t going to leave him, Josie, so you need to just stop this.” For the sake of the house, if anything else. The kids needed peace between their parents. She herself didn’t want to live her life having tension between her and her husband.

              But, there was still that gun to contend with. She didn’t want to have it in her bedroom, or anywhere else that the kids could get to it. That was a conversation she was going to have to have with her husband. Those guns he had would have to be put up someplace safe.

              She jumped the moment she felt her husband’s arms wrapped around her. “I’m missing you, right now, but you are obviously not missing me because you are still worried.” He closed the door, giving her just the silver front to look at. “Why are you still worrying?”

              “I don’t like the idea of guns in the house. We have kids to think about. They’re curious and I can only imagine what they would do if they found a gun in the house because they were doing things they weren’t supposed to do.”

              He buried his lips against her pulse point. “You are making excuse. You are not happy with me.”

              “I just thought that you worked with Carl from our group.”

              She felt his shoulders lift in a sigh. “Not everything I do is illegal. I tell you this last night.”

              “Because of your visa.”

              He nodded. I have need of reason to bring my girls to this country. This cannot happen if there is no legitimate business to host me. But, now I am not working in this job.”

              That was news that she wasn’t exactly happy about. “How far up at the top are you? I know you are lying to me about the level of danger.” He wouldn’t want her to worry, even knowing that she would worry anyway.

              He pulled away from her, turning her at the same time so that they could finally look at one another face to face. She could not help herself. Looking at him, she knew that she had to hold him and wrapped her arms around him so that she could feel some level of peace. “Tell me the truth.”

              He brushed the springy hair out of her face, even though they sprung back into place. She knew that it was more that he just liked to run his hands through them, just to feel the texture difference. She allowed it only because she’d tried to stop him in the past and telling him no never seemed to work.

              “You are wanting the truth? Then truth is, I am man at the top.”

              And that just opened a whole new can of worms for Josie to have to deal with. She let loose the breath she’d been holding. “I’m not going to pretend that I’m knowledgeable about this life, because you know me. I’m just a regular wife, but I can’t imagine that being the man at the top would make you anything less than the most dangerous person around. People live and die at your command. People like my ex-husband.” And she was supposed to feel like he was not threatening her into not leaving him?