Life After That (7 page)

"So, how are things with the band?"

"Good. Fine. But I don't wanna talk about the present right now. I wanna know what happened. I wanna know what really happened at the prom night."

"Why? The past is in the past! It's done. There's nothing we can do to change it."

"I know there isn't, but I have to know what happened. I wanna understand the ast so I can understand why we ended up like this."

"Like what?"

"Like what? Like this! We haven't talked to each other in 2 years. We used to do everything together! Go to the mall, to the movies, have lunch together, sometimes dinner. Heck! We even had breakfast together! What happened, Kirstin? Did I do something wrong? Why did you run away the minute high school was over?"

Kirstin just hold her head down. She was a little ashamed. She felt responsible, and she was responsible, for ruining their relationship. Now she had to explain herself. And she didn't feel prepared to do so.

"It wasn't your fault. I loved the time we spent together, doing all the things we used to do. Even when we were in my room not doing anything, just being there, I was happy. Whenever we were together, whatever we would do together, I was having the time of my life!"

"If you were as happy as you claim, then why did you run away from all of that?"

"I was scared!"

"Scared? How could you be scared of something so great?"

"I have my motives, Ashley. And I can't discuss them with you!"

"Oh, that is so typical of you! Why not? It involves me! I have the right to know!" Ashley was already getting angry at Kirstin's behavior.

"I'm sorry Ashley, I just…"

"You have to tell me! You can't run away from it again Kirstin, you have…"

"Because I love you alright?" Kirstin raised her tone interrupting Ashley. His jaw dropped. He couldn't believe that the girl he loved, loved him back. But when Kirstin saw his face, she realized what she had just said and tried to fix it. "I mean, I loved you. Back then I loved you. I know I never told you, but I did." she couldn't face him.

Ashley was still in shock when he asked her:

"If you loved me, then why did you run away after our kiss? Not just ran away from it, you moved here the very next day! If you loved me like you're saying you did, then why didn't you just stay there? We would have talked. We would have worked something out!"

Kirstin turned to face him again:

"Work something out? What do you mean by work something out? Ashley, if you love someone, you don't work something out. If two people are meant to be together, things will happen naturally. And as you can see, that wasn't our case! We are not meant to be"

"How can you say that? You didn't give us a chance! We were great friends, we liked each other's company, I love you…" he didn't intend on telling that too. He tried to explain himself just as Kirstin did "Man, that must be contagious or something!" he said through an embarrassed smile "What I meant was I loved you back then too. We could have been great together. But you chose not to give us a chance!" he was looking directly into Kirstin's eyes. It was making her feel like melting inside. She always felt that way whenever he would just stare at her with his big blue eyes. She couldn't let him take over her, so she turned her gaze once again.

Ashley, not knowing what to say, excused himself and went to the bathroom. Kirstin was happy and worried at the same time. She didn't know what to do now that Ashley said he loved her 'Maybe he still loves me.' She thought 'If he fixed that like I did, maybe he still loves me like… I love him…' She suddenly heard a phone ring. She went through her purse, got her cell phone out and realized that it wasn't her cell phone ringing. She then noticed Ashley had left his cell phone on the table when he went to the bathroom. She didn't know whether or not to answer it, but thought she would better do it and then take a message.

"Hello…"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"I'm sorry, do you wanna talk to Ashley?"

"Yes, but who is this?"

"He's not here right now. This is Kirstin. Do you wanna leave a message?"

"Yes, please! Tell him that his girlfriend called. Tell him to get back to me right away." It was Jen talking in an angry tone.

Kirstin was confused. He had a girlfriend. He had a girlfriend and had just confessed that he loved her?

"Hello? Are you still there?" Jen asked

"Yes, I'll give him the message as soon as he comes back." she hung up not saying goodbye. She put the cell phone down on the table and rubbed her forehead. She was confused. She really was. Then he didn't love her afterall. 'I should have expected that, of course. Why would it be any different with Ashley? It's always like that. I fall and I get hurt. And what's worse is that I don't learn my lesson. I keep making the same mistakes!" She thought. She then heard Ashley's voice.

"What's wrong?"

When she lifted up her head to face him. Faking a smile and an enthusiastic tone, she said:

"Nothing. But your girlfriend just called!"

Ashley didn't know what to do or say to make things better. He sat down. He knew any attempt on his part wouldn't work.

"Kirstin, I'm sorry. I should have told you about Jen before."

"So her name is Jen. Short for Jennifer, right?" Kirstin decided to get her nerves under control, not to make a scene. She was gonna stay calm through all of that.

"Yes…" Ashley answered, expecting Kirstin to ask a lot of things, but that one particular question. He felt a strange vibe. "That's all you want to ask me about her?"

"Well, I can't think of anything right now, but if you want to I can put some effort into it and come up with a great question! Is that what you want?"

Ashley noticed the angry tone on her voice and asked.

"Why are you acting so strange about all this?"

"Me? I'm not acting strange! I just wanna know your girlfriend's name. What's wrong with that?" Kirstin just wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. She wouldn't cry in front of anybody, especially Ashley. Ashley just sighed. She then used an angry high tone to express her thoughts "What Ashley? What do you want me to say or ask you? Do you want me to ask you why you're with her when you just told me you loved me? Do you want me to ask you if I was that easy to forget? Do you want me to ask you if you love her? Is that it? Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it!" Ashley was indeed the jerk she expected him to be. Just like the others. She just smiled slightly, she thought the whole situation was kind of ironic. "I'm leaving." she informed him getting up. Ashley grabbed her wrist not letting her go.

"I just want you to tell me the truth, tell me what's on your mind. Just this once, please?" he pleaded her. Kirstin knew him pretty well too. She could see in his eyes that he was sorry not telling her about his girlfriend. She decided to give him a chance. But on her own terms. She took a deep breath and said:

"I've done a lot of thinking since I got here in NY. And Ashley, I'm gonna speak what's on my mind and I don't want you to interrupt me and when I'm done, you're not gonna say anything. Then I'll get up and leave and you won't go after me. Deal?"

Ashley was not happy with those terms, but he had to let her continue. So he said:

"Deal…"

Kirstin took another deep breath and continued:

"The hardest thing to do is tell someone you love, you like him. And that was exactly what I was doing when I insisted on going to the prom with you only as a friend. And that night, I had to fight back so many feelings that I thought I was gonna explode at anytime. I thought I had my feelings for you figured out. I thought I had felt like that before. But the minute I let our lips touch, it felt like something inside of me had been awakened that I had never felt before. It was similar to the other 2 times, but with you it felt 10 times stronger. It was really scary for me. So I had to run away, I was so scared. You don't know about this but the other times I felt like that, things hadn't exactly ended up the best way and I got hurt pretty badly. So I thought if I'd given this relationship a chance, it wouldn't work out eventually and I'd end up hurt just like before, but this time it would be 10 times worse, 'cause my feelings for you were 10 times stronger. That's why I ran away the very next day. I didn't want to explain all of this for you back then 'cause I still had to figure things out. Running away felt like the best option for me at that time. I thought that if I left you behind in that city, I would also be leaving all my feelings for you in Redding and have a new life here in NY, away from all of that. I knew it could hurt you, but it would hurt me much more if I had stayed there and eventually you would get over me and find someone else for you. Just like you found Jennifer. When I heard her on the phone, that's when it finally hit me that you have a different life now. A life that doesn't include me. And that I'm the only one to blame for not being a part of that new life, 'cause I'm the one who ran away from it. And that thought made me really sad and frustrated at the same time. Sad 'cause I wasn't a part of your life anymore and frustrated 'cause I hadn't been able to leave my feelings for you back in Redding. But there's nothing left for me to do. Some people just aren't meant to be in a love relationship. And I believe I'm one of them."

With that said, Kirstin got off of her chair and left the coffee shop. Ashley's eyes were locked on her leaving, 'til she disappeared in the crowd. When he wasn't able to see her anymore, he just held his head on his hands. He was left speechless, he didn't know how to react to all Kirstin had just stated. He then felt a warm and lonely tear fall from his left eye. And then he whispered: "I love her. I can't believe I still love her."

Kirstin got into the parking lot to get her car. Once inside, she took her sunglasses off to reveal her eyes red from crying. She couldn't believe she actually got the guts to tell Ashley everything that was bowling around inside her this whole time. She thought Ashley was a dangerous person for her, 'cause he had something that would make her open up to him. No one ever did that to her. And she didn't like it. But Ashley was special. Nothing new about that.

"My God, he has a girlfriend!" she thought out loud, starting the car. "Why, somehow, I knew that he did? I felt something, really. But God, I prayed I would be wrong. Damn it, Kirstin!" She said knocking the wheel "Why did I agree to this stupid date in the first place? Stupid, stupid date! I knew nothing good would ever come out of it. It was actually worse than I expected it to be. He knows how I feel now and I will appear weak to him. I couldn't have let that happen! Damn it!" she knocked the wheel again. She was quiet for a moment. She then rubbed her forehead and confessed "Please God, make me stop loving him, cause I love him too much! Why do things always have to be like this? Why am I always the one who's in love but not the one loved by someone? I thought now that he had confessed he thought about me during these years, he could feel something stronger about me and we could get together. But no! As always, I was wrong. He is in love with that Jen girl. I bet she's one of those groupie girls." she shook her head "Well, I'm gonna go crazy if I keep doing that, I'll stop it! I hope he's happy with her and now I have to forget about all this crap. It's done, it's over. It won't happen again. He doesn't have my phone number, he doesn't know where I live, he just knows where I work, but MTV is a big place. He doesn't know in what department I work. It's not gonna be easy to find me. He won't find me. And he's not always in NY! He lives in Florida! And he travels the whole world with his band! You are right Kirstin. He is in your past now. Again. Forget it. All I need tonight is to have some fun! Heck, it's Thursday! Today is the perfect day for having fun! I gotta call Grace and tell her I've changed my mind. We're going out tonight. And it's gonna be great!"