Life-After (5 page)

“
David!” Clara said with a panic in her voice. “It’s okay. I’m with you.”

Something was happening to me from the inside out. I still held Clara in my arms but it felt as if she was drifting away. My mind was screaming at me telling me what I was doing was wrong, but I could not help myself. It was not just the warmth from Clara’s body that was leaving me. The heat from the sun was fading. I could no longer smell the fresh grass. The skies began to darken as reality itself began to fade.

“
Don’t leave me, David!” Clara screamed out.

Though she was only inches from me her scream sounded distant as if a chasm was between us. I tried to pull her closer to me but the strength from my body was gone. I fell to my knees, Clara knelt down next to me trying to hold me up but I could not feel her touch. I could not speak. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. My eyes dimmed or perhaps it was the world around me that was fading away, either way I was slipping back into the darkness.

All feeling was gone, drained away from me. Again I felt as if I was floating. My mind went silent as all thoughts faded from my mind. The reality around me began to brighten. I could see a room come into view. There was a bed below me and someone lying in it. It was then I realized that I was hovering above the room, not in my body, but as a ghost or spirit. It was just like before in the restaurant. As my thoughts came back into focus I realized where and when I was.

Clara was sleeping in our home near the Naxum research facility. She rolled over onto her back, yawned and stretched her arm out to my side of the bed. I was not there. My mind was flooded with thoughts. I did not understand what had happened. How could I have found Clara only to lose her again? I wanted nothing more than to go back, but I could do nothing but watch.

Clara’s hand brushed up and down my side of the bed. She was trying to find me in her sleep. She turned over, opened her eyes and stared at my pillow. I watched her look toward our bathroom, then her mouth moved but I could not make out the words. A worried look came across her face then quickly faded and was replaced with one of sadness. As I watched myself enter the room holding a tray with her favorite breakfast I remembered what day it was.

“
They called you in again, didn’t they?” Clara said depressingly.

It was the day the meteor hit the earth. Until that day the scientists had no cause for concern as it was not on a course for earth. Having them summon me to the facility was not a cause for concern as I was frequently called into work, far too frequently for Clara’s liking.

“
I thought you said you had the day off.” Clara said. “I thought we could have the day together.”

I remembered what I was thinking as I laid the tray on her lap. My love for Clara was as strong as ever and yet I found myself spending more time away from her. I had already postponed our move and settled for a small home only a few miles from the facility. We were together and Clara was happy, but I knew I could do more. At first she tried creating her dream garden in the backyard of the house but the soil was poor. After a few months she took a teaching job in the nearby town. Honestly, I think she did it because I was not around as much.

“
I know honey and I’m sorry. Remember the meteor I told you about, they have some new data and will be presenting it to the research team from New Chicago. I have to be there to oversee the security protocols. I promise this won’t take long. These guys like to get in and out and after that I’m out of there. I’ll be back by lunch I promise.”

She smiled assuring me that everything was okay. Clara was always accommodating and never let me know that my extended time away was hurting her, but I could see it was. We had been engaged longer than either of us expected. I wanted to marry her, but not when I knew that I could not give her what she wanted. I was stupid, what she wanted was me and I left her that day and it was the last time I saw her.

“
I know, babe.” Clara said keeping up her best smile. “Just don’t keep me waiting.”

I wanted to reach out and grab myself to keep me from walking away. Watching him kiss her goodbye I cursed him for not knowing. Even if I was to die with her it would have been fine with me. It was then that I understood why I was unable to stay with Clara. I did not believe I deserved to be with her. While all I wanted was to see her again a part of me felt I deserved to never see her again because I had failed her.

Everything around me faded back into darkness. I could feel my body again, it was cold. A heavy gloom was still around me, but it was slowly fading away. It was not that my feelings had changed. It was more like someone was drawing it away. As much as I did not want to admit it I was deeply damaged by the loss of Clara. What I was experiencing was the process of healing that damage.

“
David, can you hear me?” It was Clara’s voice calling out to me. “Open your eyes come back to me.”

Again I did not realize I had closed my eyes. As I slowly opened them the light burned my eyes. It was not like before, something was different. Clara was kneeling next to me. I was in the same place as before but the air was humid and thick. The clouds in the sky were scattered with some a dark grey. I could smell the rain mixed with the dirt and grass. Clara was clearly concerned as she stared at me. I was relieved to see her and yet puzzled by what had happened.

“
What happened to me?” I asked her.

“
You’ve changed it…” Clara answered as she looked up toward the sky. “You’ve changed our afterlife.”

3

“
I changed… our afterlife?” I struggled out the words following Clara’s eyes up towards the sky. “So it’s true, I died and this is…”

“
This is who we are and what we want.” Clara said softly as she slowly lowered her head to look at me. “I’m sorry David, this is my fault. I should have guided you here from the nexus.”

The pain and regret that was strangling me was almost gone. Just hearing her voice and being able to feel her touch was healing me. It did not bother me that I had died or that I had passed on to something I never truly believed existed. I was happy to be with Clara and I knew any where I could spend the rest of my life with her would be my heaven.

Clara helped me to my feet. I Looked briefly towards the sky and could see the darker clouds beginning to fade. She was looking at me, almost as if studying me. I felt nervous. It was deep inside of me. It was like the first day she approached me. Perhaps I would not describe it as shyness but more like anticipation. Standing there with the woman I longed to see was like Christmas morning.

“
I had so many thoughts, so many feelings.” I said to Clara. “There was so much I wanted to say to you and now… I’m…I just don’t know what to say.”

“
You don’t have to say anything David. I can feel your thoughts, your emotions. This place, it reacts to the resonance of our life energy.”

One thing I had to admit to myself was my curiosity of the world I found myself in. My one track mind to find Clara had kept my wonder in check, but finding her and holding her in my arms allowed my mind to wander. I had so many questions for her about where we were and what would become of us, when she mentioned “life energy” it made me think back to just before I began working for the Naxum Institute.

Clara and I had finished packing our things and stood on our balcony overlooking downtown. You could never tell it by the smile on her face but she was extremely depressed that day. Her uncle had died only a few weeks prior and though she did not know him well it cause her to think about the mortality of her parents and what would lie beyond death.

“
David, do you think there is something out there, you know, after we die?”

“
I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “A part of me wants to take the scientific route and believe that when we die that’s it. On the other hand, if everything we are ends when we die, it just seems like a waste.”

Clara reached over tightly grabbing hold of my hand. I knew she was looking for something to believe in to bring her comfort. After the death and destruction left from the war, there were many people looking for something higher than themselves. For some, like Luis, it was the Trinity and their belief systems, for others, like myself, it was the love of those that to me, gave you purpose and kept you going.

“
My uncle believed in the Trinity.” Clara began. “I remember one day at a family BBQ he was telling my mother about his beliefs. He spoke about how he could feel his life energy within him and found peace because it could never be destroyed. I didn’t really pay him much mind, but he looked so content. Even though there was a war going on all around us he knew the no matter what the core of who he was would live on forever. Who would not want that?”

“
I think that’s the point?” I said with a noticeable hint of sarcasm.

Clara looked at me slightly saddened by what I said. She remembered the story I told her about Luis but there was more to it. The global war was a war of resources and military power but there was a strong religious context behind it. Many countries denied help to their neighbors due to their belief system or lack of thereof.

The war did not start on a global scale. In the beginning there were small conflicts over energy that spread into battles over land and soon even the basic minerals. By the time the Alliance and Federation were formed it was the Alliance that took a more secular view while the Federation were staunch fundamentalists. Many believe the war was prolonged because of religious factions stirring the flames and refusing to concede.

Religion was a very small part of my childhood. Patriotism and service to our faction were paramount. The first I heard of true organized religion was from the Trinity. Later during my time in the service I learned that the Trinity gained power and influence over the Alliance government, but as the war drew to a close and the treaty was signed many from the Trinity turned their back on the Alliances views to separate government decisions and religious beliefs.

During the closing days of the war we discovered some members of the Trinity were staging attacks on civilian aid stations near the Federation’s eastern border. When we engaged them Luis recognized some of the members and begged them to stand down. They opened fired and we were forced to return in kind. I personally killed six Trinity members. After that, my relationship with Luis was never the same.

In the end the Trinity disavowed the members who were staging the attacks stating they were not sanctioned by anyone in their leadership council. I was called to testify before a government inquiry panel and told them everything I witnessed during the encounter. After my testimony a man approached me. He told me humanity would be punished because we had turned our backs on God. I asked if it would be God or men like him and his ilk who would carry out the punishment. He just gnarled his teeth and walked away.

I understood Clara’s need to find something to believe in. Regardless of my experience with the Trinity council, I still believed in a force greater than our own, however, for me, that force came from within not from above. For Clara that was not enough, she could look to me for strength, but I guess that was not enough either.

Standing there in what my mind could only perceive as heaven I wondered what truths were out there for me to find. Having Clara again was all I ever wanted but I had to admit to myself that I did not plan on what would happen next. Perhaps that is why she stood there staring at me. She could see that I was lost even though I had found exactly what I had been looking for.

“
So then it is true?” I asked Clara. “That stuff about life energy and the connection to God, it was all true?”

“
I think we should discuss something else first.” Clara said her voice taking on a somber tone. “You were able to cross over and find me, but, what you brought with you, what is still burdening you...”

She pauses and lowered her head. I had not seen her look so sad since her parents died. Seeing her in pain in what I believed was heaven saddened me deeply. I pulled her closer resting her head on my chest, holding her tightly. The skies began to darken and for a moment I wondered if we were truly in heaven or somewhere else.

“
I had one promise I made to myself above all others when we first met.” I said to Clara. “Never cause her pain. I knew that life and love were not perfect and hard times were a way of life, but if there was something I could do to keep you from crying, from feeling sad then I would do whatever it took. I failed more than once in that promise. Leaving you that day was the greatest mistake in my life. We should have been together. You should not have died alone.”

In the silence I could hear her, she was crying. She lifted her head from my chest and looked into my eyes. Streams of tears were falling from them. The pain I saw in them, it did not come from my words, but from something I had stirred up inside of her.

“
I wasn’t alone, David.” Clara whispered.

At that moment something within me shattered, all I had thought about since that day was how I had left her there to die. I cursed myself for not trying harder to get back to her. Visions of her dying, screaming out my name plagued my nightmares and with a sentence she had changed all of that. I did not have the words. She reached up placing her hands on my cheeks. I felt a rush of energy course though my body. Clara’s eyes began to glow a bright white. My vision began to white out as if I was trapped in a snow storm. I could feel my body fading away. It was as if I was turning into energy itself.