Lieutenant Columbus (9 page)

“You better explain yourself,” advised Corporal Tonelli. “If you
’
re a junkie, you
’
ll be swimming with the fishes.”

“I
’
m no junkie, Guido.”

Instantly recognizing Tony The Toe
’
s voice, Corporal Tonelli pointed his machine gun.
“You have got to be kidding, Tony. You thought you
’
d be safe in the Legion? I
’
ve sworn an oath to kill you on sight, for treason.”

“Wait! We
’
re all in danger. You too. There are vampires chasing me. They
’
re coming here.”

“You did lick the newt,” accused Corporal Tonelli. “Where
’
s your money. Did you lose it all?”

“The ATM took most of my cash in exchange for a new identity. I
’
m now Herman Cortez.”

“Herman? That
’
s a good one. I
’
m serious. I have to kill you. What you did can
’
t be excused. We all swore an oath.”

“I
’
m serious, too!” exclaimed Garcia. “Have I ever done you wrong? You would turn snitch after all we
’
ve been through? There are vampire commandos after me, and they will be here soon. We are all in danger. I need to get away, but I need your help. That Lieutenant Columbus, he
’
s the real Christopher Columbus, and a time traveler. I can
travel through
time to get away.”

“Vampire commandos? Time travel? Are you nuts?”

“Maybe, but can you take that chance? You know me, Guido. I
’
m not crazy. What if I
’
m right? It could be worth a lot. Columbus is a fellow Italian, right? He might work with us. I say we make Columbus an offer he can
’
t refuse.”

“We? Columbus claims he is Genoese. He thinks he
’
s a cut above
...
royalty or something.”

Lieutenant Columbus stepped from the shadows where he had been listening, his sword drawn.
“I will take it from here,” advised Lieutenant Columbus. “Garcia will hang.”

“Please, don
’
t let him take me!”

Corporal Tonelli slid his hand down to the trigger. “What was all that about a time machine, and you being the real Chris Columbus?”

“You are in way over your head, Corporal. Garcia is a
‘
Most Wanted
’
fugitive. Step aside.”

Guido raised his weapon.

“See!” exclaimed Garcia.
“
He doesn
’
t deny it!”

“Step aside, or you will hang with him for mutiny!”

“You know his secret,” argued Garcia. “And now he threatens you. Guido, if you let Columbus take me, you will be next.”

Guido pulled the slide back on his sub-machine gun, and pointed it directly at Lieutenant Columbus. “Unless you want to swim with the fishes, you better come clean.
Capice?
Tell me about your time machine.”

“There is no such thing. Garcia lies!”

Corporal Tonelli raised his weapon to shoot.

“Wait! It
’
s not my time machine, but I am the true Don Christopher Columbus, Admiral of the Ocean Seas, Viceroy of the Americas!” Columbus se
e
med relieved to have finally said it out loud. “So what? I am an officer and a legionnaire first. Just like you, I left my past behind. Just like you, I swore an oath to kill Tony Garcia on sight!”

“What about the time machine?” pressed Corporal Tonelli. “Can I know the future?”

“The CIA has it. It
’
s of no use to any of us.”

Lieutenant Columbus brushed past Tonelli, putting his sword to Garcia
’
s throat. “You will come with me, mutinous scum. Colonel Czerinski will want to talk to you, before you hang. Then, we will take pictures!”

* * * * *

The arrest of Tony
‘
The Toe
’
Garcia was quite the media event. I ordered engineers
to
build a small jail to hold Garcia
,
pending execution. I also ordered a gallows built, but with Sergeant Boedecker still AWOL, engineers feigned ignorance on how to build a gallows.
No problem.
I ordered a hanging tree, imported from the South, and had it planted next to the site of our missing Smokey the Bear statue.
I suspect
ed
the engineer cadre has been infiltrated by anti-death
-
penalty liberal
D
emocrats, and
swore to
investigat
e
that matter later.

Garcia had already been tried in absentia, found guilty, and sentenced to death. In the interest of fairness, Garcia was granted a Death Row press release to express his last words.

“This is Phil Coen of Chanel
Five
World News Tonight, live from Monica City along the DMZ, Planet of New Colorado, about to interview the notorious traitor
,
Tony
‘
The Toe
’
Garcia
,
as he waits on Death Row. As you all know, Garcia stole the Stealth Starship Shenandoah and reportedly
sold
it to the Scorpion Kingdom for one billion dollars.
There are some who say no amount of slow torture and pain would be too good for the likes of scum like you,
Garcia
. W
hat do you have to say for yourself
, you greedy bastard?
”

“First of all
,
I love my country,”
announced
Garcia, uncomfortably shifting the chains attached to a metal chair. “I did not steal the Shenandoah for the money, but rather to prevent an intergalactic war.”

“Some would say you put a dagger to the throat of the United States Galactic Federation, you fucking traitor. How can you argue you only wanted peace
?
”

“All I did was even the balance of power. The Legion was about to start another war against the Scorpion Kingdom, and my evening the playing field prevented that war. I saved the galaxy.”

“Let me get
this straight
, Tony. You are arguing that selling the scorpions the Shenandoah furthered a policy of assured mutual destruction, thus preventing war? What are you, a Democrat?”

“I
’
m an independent.”

“Where
’
s the money?”

“I am penniless. I gave most of my money away to scorpion charities, mostly orphanages established after our last attack on the Scorpion Kingdom.”

“You were reported to have been living in luxury after buying your own asteroid deep inside Scorpion Space. Why did you give up that life?”

“Legion vampire commandos led
b
y the notorious assassin
,
Lieutenant Johnny Black
,
landed on my asteroid, and were terrorizing the residents. I left to prevent further slaughter to the local population at the hands of Legion death squads.
”

“Johnny Black, the former baseball player?” scoffed Coen. “I have his baseball card. It
’
s a collectable. Johnny is a Hero of the Legion. How dare you besmirch his reputation like that
?
I suspect you are angling for an insanity plea hearing with your talk of vampires.”

“In violation of my Constitutional rights
,
I have been denied an attorney, access to the courts, and prevented from filing an appeal. I pray this interview will draw attention to my plight.”

“Tell me about your arrest here on New Colorado. You were hiding in plain sight, in the Legion?”

“As I said before, I love my country. I hoped to start a new life in the Legion. Technically, Legion enlistment wipes the slate clean of past crimes. If I had access to the courts, that would be a basis for appeal of my death sentence.”

“Yes
,
Tony, except to qualify for amnesty
,
your enlistment must be made with full disclosure.”

“The Legion recruitment ATM knew all about my past.”

“I was wondering how you acquired a new name and Legion ID,” commented Coen. “Some have argued your execution be delayed while the FBI searches for conspirators.”

“I have no conspirators. I acted on my own. I am unfairly singled out because of my Italian heritage.”

“You deny rumors of a Mafia connection?”

“There is no such thing as the Mafia. It is well documented that Italians have long been persecuted by Colonel Czerinski and the bloodthirsty Foreign Legion.”

“Isn
’
t it true you were arrested by two fellow Italians, Lieutenant Columbus and Corporal Tonelli, both Heroes of the Legion?”

“Columbus is Genoese-American.”

“You were arrested while trying to make a deal with your Italian connection inside the Legion, but you squandered all your money?”

“Lieutenant Columbus is the real Chris Columbus!” shouted Garcia in desperation. “Look it up on the database. He thinks the world is flat!”

“Another attempt at a phony insanity plea, Tony? You disgust me.”

“The CIA has a time machine and are plotting to take over the galaxy. They brought back Chris Columbus and others to be their generals. There is a conspiracy and coup in the works at the highest levels. Why do you think I am being executed so quickly?”

“Your narcissist
ic
delusion knows no end,” accused Coen. “If the Legion wanted to shut you up, you would not have been granted this interview. You are a real piece of work.”

“Have you talked to Columbus? He carries a sword!”

“This concludes my interview with the notorious Tony
‘
The Toe
’
Garcia, directly from Death Row,” advised Coen as the camera zoomed in on his face. “You heard it
,
folks. Tony
’
s proof of a conspiracy is that one of our brave legionnaires carries a sword. I
’
ll have you know, I have seen Hero of the Legion Colonel Czerinski often carrying a ceremonial sword.”

“Czerinski is in on it!” shouted Garcia, rattling his chains as he attempted to stand. “Whenever there is dirty work to be done, Czerinski is there!”

“Although there may be some truth to that last statement about Czerinski,” replied Coen, “I hope you burn in Hell, you despicable piece of shit.”

* * * * *

At dawn
,
I unlocked Garcia
’
s cell. Contrary to popular myth, the condemned do not get a last meal. Garcia barricaded himself at the door with his mattress. Sergeant Williams and Corporal Tonelli shoved the mattress back as Lieutenant Columbus and I dragged Garcia to the floor. I applied tether restraints, gag, and black hood to prevent his thrashing, kicking, and spitting.

We carried Garcia outside, like a log above our heads, to the hanging tree. A large crowd
had
already gathered. Hawkers sold Garcia
tee
-shirts and Pepsi. Flat-landers and Newt-lickers mixed with tourists and gamblers. A few Democrats lit candles but were arrested for fire code violations. Hargundu waited patiently under the tree. Sergeant Williams lifted Garcia atop the camel, placing the noose securely around Garcia
’
s neck.

Sergeant Williams let out a rebel yell and slapped Hargundu
’
s hind
quarters
. Nothing happened
–
Hargundu just stood there. Sergeant Williams slapped the stubborn camel again. Still, Hargundu refused to move. The crowd gasped. Cameras zoomed in on the awkward moment. Hargundu spit, provoking Sergeant Williams
to
draw his sidearm.

Lieutenant Columbus intervened to save his beloved camel, placing a firm hand on Williams
’
arm.
Lieutenant Columbus attempted to pull Hargundu forward, still to no avail. Even offering a sugar cube failed. Finally, Lieutenant Columbus strode over to the baby buffalo statue next to the desecrated Smokey the Bear monument. He patted the baby buffalo on the butt.
“Here
,
Hargundu, come visit your friend!”

Hargundu grunted a loud happy snort, reared up, and raced to hump the baby buffalo statue like there was no tomorrow. Garcia was left swinging and dangling. There were no last words, although some swear they heard
Garcia
mumble a Voodoo curse on the Legion. I should have gagged the fool.