Lieutenant Columbus (16 page)

“We all do,” sighed Lieutenant Patton. “Where are you from, son?”

“Tecumseh, Oklahoma, sir. There ain’t much there, and tornadoes keep threatening to take what’s left away, but it’s home
,
and I’d rather be there. What is this nonsense
,
chasing Martians all over the place?”

“They’re not Martians, they’re spiders. I can’t wait to kill a few to get a good look at ‘em.”

“I think we’ve already killed a few, but there ain’t much left to see,” advised Sergeant Rivers, cheerfully. “Hoorah!”

* * * * *

Mountain Claw
fled out the backdoor of his tunnel, and down the hill. His brother
Sugar Claw
followed. They stopped in their tracks. What was that buzzing sound?
Mountain Claw
looked up at the clear blue sky, but saw nothing.

“The Legion sends an army of tanks after me for one little back robbery?” asked
Mountain Claw
. “They never did that before.”

“Maybe it was all the fat-lady human pestilence you blew up at the bank,” suggested Sugar
Claw. “Maybe we should move on. I hear they struck gold up north. We could rob miners.”

“They came for me!” shouted Eve Jones, struggling to get out of
Mountain Claw
’s evil clutches. “The Legion will carve you up and roast you for dinner if you don’t release me at once!”

“Not today,” answered
Mountain Claw
, still squinting up at the sky. “Back in the tunnels! The human pestilence have an eye in the sky!”

Mountain Claw
dropped the backpack in first before jumping. It grated on
Mountain Claw
that
,
with all this money, he still was forced to hide in a cave.
Mountain Claw
had dug a hundred miles of catacombs under the New Gobi Hills and was confident he could wait
out
the Legion. Nevertheless, he started digging a new tunnel, away from the hills, back toward the border.
Ha! The human pestilence will never suspect that!

* * * * *

Lieutenant Patton stood next to the spider hole, peering down at the darkness. He dropped a rock, but the hole seemed bottomless.

“How can there be no bottom?” asked
Lieutenant
Columbus. “It’s unnatural.”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” answered Sergeant Rivers, dragging one of several Yamaha dirt bikes found hidden in the bushes. “I say we burn these bikes and throw them down the hole. Maybe we can smoke them out.”

Lieutenant Patton tossed another rock. “It won’t do any good, but if it makes you feel better, do it. Then blow up the entrance.”

Soon
,
thick black smoke rose from motorcycle
s
and gasoline. Lieutenant Patton ordered all the entrances blown.
“We’re not leaving until we smoke those bastards out!”

* * * * *

Mountain Claw
looked up at the legionnaires peering down. He took careful aim with his rifle, but then one of the human pestilence tossed a large rock.
Mountain Claw
deftly caught
the
rock, gently setting the boulder to the side. Then came another.
Mountain Claw
caught that rock, too.

“What game do the human pestilence play now?” asked Sugar
Claw. “They toy with us?”

“Quiet. Be glad those were not grenades.”

They fled south to the sound of burning motorcycles crashing down the cavern, followed by explosions. Smoke filled the tunnel.
Mountain Claw
swore brutal revenge on the human pestilence for wrecking his bikes. They were paid for, too.

As smoke billowed,
Mountain Claw
took a wrong turn to a dead end. Seeing light above, a dozen spider bandits scrambled up and out, to be greeted by a hail of gunfire. Increased smoke forced
Mountain Claw
up, too, dragging Eve.

“Don’t shoot, and I will allow the female human pestilence to live!”

Lieutenant Patton took careful aim with his revolver, shooting
Mountain Claw
dead center between
his
eight eyes. The spider bandit dropped like a sack of potatoes. Splattered with yellowish blood and gore, Eve rushed forward to embrace her savior.
“I want to bear your many babies,” gushed Eve. “Take me, marry me, drag me off to your lair
,
and plant your virile seed.”

“Madam, you are in shock,” replied Lieutenant Patton, awkwardly trying to break free of her grasp. “I would never take undue advantage.”

“You are already married?” cried Eve, examining the gold ring on Patton’s left hand. “My brave Hero of the Legion is taken?”

Lieutenant Patton hesitated, saddened by the reminder. “No. My love, all that I love
d
, and all who once loved me, are long dead and gone, buried by the sands of time. I am alone.”

“Kiss me, you fool, like there is no tomorrow.”

Lieutenant Patton kissed Eve, long and passionate, strategically cupping a breast for good measure. History had taught Patton a thing or two about Russian hands and Roman fingers as he swept the beautiful Eve off her feet, a fine spoil of war.

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Chapter 1
5

Patton led his tanks in a victory parade back to New Gobi City. As they entered town
,
it was a glorious sight, reminiscent of a conquering Caesar. Legion flags fluttered in the breeze,
with
spider bandit corpses tied to the front bumpers, and Eve atop a turret beside Lieutenant Patton, her bare breasts pointed forward, spurring the troops on.

However, first they had to go through Arthropodan occupied North New Gobi City, where dead spiders strapped to bumpers were unappreciated. Young spiders threw rocks and tossed garbage out into the roadway. Legionnaires sealed their hatches as bullets pinged off the armor. At the border, Patton’s lead tank crashed the spiders’ gate, doing sixty-eight.

On the American side
,
the parade resumed with all its grand splendor. Via helmet cameras, the entire mission and the victory parade were broadcast in real time on the Galactic Database. Adoring crowds pressed in on the tanks, cheering and waving American flags. Drunk leather
-
clad biker babes swarmed the tank turrets, lewdly pulling at the legionnaires’ uniforms and pushing contraband. Sergeant Rivers had a biker babe in each arm.

“This is what I’ve been talking about!” exclaimed Lieutenant Patton. “America loves a winner! I’ve been in bigger parades, but none better!”

The crowd cheered its approval even louder. The President texted to announce
,
‘It’s Miller-time
,
’ as the parade ended at the Blind Tiger Tavern & Casino.

* * * * *

I joined the party at the Blind Tiger. Lieutenant Patton stood with Eve, announcing his engagement to be married. The press ate it up, hanging on Patton’s every word. Major Lopez, being his usual dour self, pulled me off to the side, undoubtedly to give me bad news about something or other.

“What?”

“I’ve been talking to many of our new legionnaires,” advised Major Lopez in hushed tones. “Once they get a few drinks in them, they all have an interesting story to tell.”

“Everyone in the Legion has a story. So what? Can’t you just enjoy the party for once? Chill, Lopez. You are wound way too tight.”

“They all claim to be ghosts from World War II.”

“Ghosts?”

“Not real ghosts, but they all died fighting in Patton’s Third Army.”

“That sounds like ghosts to me.”

“I don’t know what they are. That kid talking to the press is the real General Patton.”

“No way.”

“Yep, he’s the real deal.”

I checked the database on my notepad. There was an uncanny resemblance between the two Pattons, but that proved nothing. Our Patton was much younger than the old general of yesteryear. Illegal micro chip enhancements could explain that, but time travel could not be so easily explained. There was too much of a crowd around Patton, so I confronted Sergeant Rivers, showing him old database photos of himself and Patton.
“Care to explain?” I asked.

“I’ve been reading your stinking database, too,” slurred Sergeant Rivers, held up only by twin biker babes. “The database claims the world is flat, so don’t believe everything you read.”

“Did you
travel
through time
?”

“Shhhh, it’s supposed to be a secret!”

“The world being flat is supposed to be a secret, too, but everyone knows.”

“Really? Which world is flat?” asked Sergeant Rivers, more confused.

“All of them.”

“Even Oklahoma?”

“Especially Oklahoma. Is that where you are from?”

“Yes, and I’ll tell you what. You better let us go home soon, or there is going to be a serious problem.”

“You are in the Legion. That means you’re in for the duration.”

“I already was in for the duration. There can’t be two durations!”

With that last piece of bad news, Sergeant Rivers fell forward on his
face
. Unconscious, Rivers was carried off by giggling biker babes.

* * * * *

The spider commander entered the Blind Tiger, trailed by body guards. He never missed poker night. The spider Military Intelligence officer slinked off to mingle with the crowd, buying free drinks for anyone who was talkative. Rather than going straight to the poker game, the spider commander intended to confront Lieutenant Patton, who was now well into making a speech.

“There are two kinds of people in this galaxy, humans and aliens,” advised Lieutenant Patton triumphantly. “Today
,
humanity kicked
alien
ass!”

“You will not repeat that disgusting uncivilized display through my town again,” admonished the spider commander, abruptly interrupting the young human pestilence. “Our species will not be put on display like trophies from a hunt.”

Lieutenant Patton’s light-hearted mood turned serious as he turned away from the reporters. “Excuse me for staring, but I’ve never seen on
e
of you bugs up close, as least not still alive.”

“I do not like the term
bug
,” advised the spider commander, tapping his translator. “That word does not translate well.”

“Your uniform is black like the Hun,” commented Lieutenant Patton. “You look like a Nazi bug. How does that translate?”

“Not well. Do not compare the Empire to petty Old Earth regimes from the ash heap of human pestilence history. And another thing, you ruined my golf course!”

“Sorry about the golf course,” advised Lieutenant Patton, contritely. “What are you bugs doing on our side of the border?”

“It’s poker night,” answered the spider commander, stiffening. “Care to join me and Colonel Czerinski for a friendly game?”

“That’s right, I forgot how cozy Czerinski is with you bugs. Did you hear what happened to the lion?”

“Lion?”

“The lion lost all his money playing poker with a cheetah,” advised Lieutenant Patton, playing to the crowd and reporters.

“Old Earth vermin pests should have never been allowed to infest New Colorado,” replied the spider commander, sensing somehow Patton was getting the better of their banter. “Insult me at your peril.”

“I may join you later. Don’t lose all your money before I get there. Maybe while we are at it
,
we can have a friendly contest on who can hold their liquor.”

“That will be another effort at which you human pestilence cannot measure up.”

* * * * *

The spider Military Intelligence officer bought a round of drinks for legionnaires crowded at the bar.

“Have you human pestilence been away from home long?” he asked conversationally. “How was it at the South Pole
?
Real cold
,
I bet.”

“We’ve never been to the South Pole,” answered a drunk private. “You bugs can talk?”

“Of course. We are a sentient species, no different from most of you. We have families and long for home, just like you.”

“We are never going home,” griped the private. “I will never see my wife and kids again.”