Licorice Whips (41 page)

“I don’t know what it’s like in Virginia, but I’m so glad the weather broke here. I hate a warm autumn.” Nicole set a white kettle on a stove eye and opened a cabinet over it. She pulled out two different colored mugs. One had cats on it. The other had “World’s Greatest Mother” emblazoned in red over it.

“Remember that one?” Nikla’s mother smiled. “You and Junior gave that to me on Mother’s Day twenty years ago.”

Nikla remembered. She and her brother had combined their money to buy the mug and a necklace that she never saw her mother wear.

“Can’t believe you kept it.” Nikla pushed the mug away from her.

“I kept everything you kids gave me.” Her mother put tea bags into each mug. “I didn’t think it would take you this long to come see me.”

“I would have thought you would have sought me out first.”

The teakettle whistled, breaking up the tension in the room. Nicole turned off the stove eye and removed the kettle from it. She poured hot water into each mug. After she placed cream and sugar on the table for Nikla, she sat down at the round table next to her.

“You want to know why I left, right?” Nicole dunked her tea bag in the steamy water as she kept her gaze on it. She reconnected her stare with Nikla. “I never ever wanted to leave you and Junior.” After flavoring her tea with cream and honey, she stirred it as she smiled. “For several years, I was ill.”

Nikla froze.

“Depression.” Nicole looked at her daughter. She looked completely vulnerable. “I felt helpless and alone. I tried talking to your father about it, but your father is, well–”

“Dad.” Nikla completely understood what her mother meant. If he told Nikla to suck it up when she had her panic attacks, she could only imagine what he’d told her mother. He probably told her to just get happy.

“He didn’t see my depression as a big deal. He said, ‘You have a great house, beautiful children, and a wonderful job. What else do you need?’ I needed to be myself and your father didn’t want to deal with anything. Stop crying, he would say. Suck it up, he would tell me. Snap out of it.” Until Nicole picked up her mug did Nikla notice her mother’s hand trembling. “I always argued with him when he made you feel bad about your panic attacks. I understood them.” Her mother wiped her eyes with a napkin.

Nikla had to do the same thing.

“I was so determined to be a good mother and wife that when I found myself in the bathroom contemplating downing a bottle of sleeping pills I knew I couldn’t be any good to anyone. I asked your father for help. He said that I just needed exercise and a good trip.” She snickered. “That’s when I knew I needed to help myself. I told him I would go to a place to get some help. He called me weak.”

Nikla knew exactly what that felt like. Out of instinct and love, Nikla reached her hand out and held her mother’s. The warmth of it radiated through her body.

“I waited until you had gone off to college before I did anything.”

Nikla wiped her nose. “You waited to get yourself better because of me?”

Her mother shook her head. “Please don’t think of it that way. I wanted to make sure you kids had a happy life before I handled my own. I wanted to stay. Your father didn’t understand me or my condition. So I went to the place where I knew I would get support. No place like home, right?” She blew her nose and smiled through her pain. “Is that the only reason why you’re here, to get the answer of why I left?”

Nikla shook her head. “I met this guy. Our relationship is so, so complicated.” She would leave out the details of him spanking her and how much she truly enjoyed it. “I tried so hard to be a good daughter to Dad. I did so much for him, things that I shouldn’t have done. In the process, it made the man I cared about question my ethics and loyalty.”

Nikla stopped talking when she heard her mother laughing.

She glared at her. “What’s so funny?”

“My baby girl is still my little girl. After all this time, you still need me to help you with boy troubles.” Her mother stood from her chair and embraced Nikla, who openly sobbed.

Her mother allowed her to cry for a while. Nikla’s father would have never allowed her to be that vulnerable.

“I’m so sorry that I thought so many bad things about you.” Nikla hiccupped as she talked to her mother.

“Don’t. The whole reason I left after you kids left the house was so that you didn’t hate your father. He was raised a certain way. He’s a hard man. In certain aspects of my life, I liked that. But I also needed a man who could understand me and all of my frailties.”

Nikla had that in Sweet. Until her mother verbalized it did she realize that Sweet had not only changed her, but he had accepted her.

“So have you found someone?” Nikla asked.

Nicole shook her head. “I date here and there. I’m content being single for now.” She pointed at Nikla. “But you, you’re in love. I can tell. A man who makes you cry is the one you truly love.”

Nikla smiled. “He’s so dynamic. He’s not afraid of anything. He’s seen me at my worst and still wanted me. He’s sacrificed a lot for me.”

“So why are you here instead of being with him?”

“I have had so many bad relationships. I thought if I talked to you, I could understand myself better.”

“So you came home to get an understanding of yourself. Yep, I’d say you’re my daughter for sure.”

Nikla had to smile at that assessment. Years ago, hell, just yesterday, she wouldn’t have had that same reaction.

“Are you going back home tonight?” Nicole asked.

“If it’s okay, I’d like to hang around for a couple of days to get to know you. I’ll get a hotel room nearby and–”

“Nonsense. You’ll stay right here with me. I have the room. It’ll be wonderful to have my child under my roof again.” She framed Nikla’s face and kissed her forehead.

Getting to know her mother would be a bonus. She wouldn’t have to know that Nikla also needed a place to hide out from Sweet’s prying eyes. She knew she would have to go home eventually. Right now, she needed this time for herself.

****

Three days had passed and Sweet hadn’t seen or heard from Nikla. He’d spent his days camping out at her job just in case she felt “better” before the week ended, and his nights watching her apartment. Tonight wouldn’t be any different.

He could hear his brother in his head telling him to give Nikla her space. Masaun would tell him that if Nikla truly wanted him, that she would come to him. Sweet didn’t have that kind of time or patience. 

Sweet paid no attention to his brother’s advice. He went to Nikla’s apartment. This time he found her vehicle outside. His heart started up as soon as he saw her gray sedan.

Sweet knocked on her door and waited a moment. When she didn’t answer right away, he raised his fist again to knock. This time the door opened.

Nikla’s face looked lifeless. Had he done that to her? Had being with him drained her of her power, her strength, her life? Ignoring the doubting voice in his head, Sweet pursued her.

Even in her oversized, loose-fitting t-shirt and baggy sweatpants he found her sexy. She had her hair in a bun at the top of her head.

“We need to talk.” Sweet braced his hands on the doorframe.

“I think we’ve said enough to each other.” Nikla wouldn’t look him in his eyes.

That wouldn’t stop him. Sweet pushed his way into her apartment and closed the door behind him.

“Please leave.” Nikla put her hand to his chest.

The singular connection ignited the smoldering fire within him. He’d longed for her touch. Even angry, he would take her any and all of her attention.

“No. You’ve controlled what’s happened between us for the last few days when you avoided my calls. Now you’re going to hear me out.” Sweet pinned her against the wall as she continued to press her hands against his chest. “I need you back in my life. Out of everything that’s happened to me over the last week, you’re the only thing that makes sense. I need for you to come with me to my place and–”

“No.” She shook her head.

“What?”

“What? Would rather hear ‘red’? Fine. Red.”

Sweet pressed his body against hers. “Tell me you don’t miss me.” He brushed his lips against hers and immediately heard her breath catch. “Tell me you don’t miss this.” Sweet kissed her lightly at first, simply sweeping his lips against hers before he fully captured her mouth.

Sweet tasted her familiar honeyed flavor on her lips. He put his hands on her waist and moved them down to her ass. As soon as he gripped it, she snapped back to the situation.

“No, stop!” Nikla broke from the kiss. She managed to duck under his arms and move away from him. “You come in here and tell me what you want and need. ‘I need you to do this’ and ‘I need you to do that.’ What about what I need?”

Sweet remained quiet as she spoke.

“I need to be with a man who’s not going to question my ethics. I need to be with someone who supports me. I need to be with someone who listens to me. I don’t think you’re that person.” She went to the door and opened it.

“I’m not going.”

“Fine. I’ll call the police. You haven’t asked me where I’ve been or what I was doing. I realize you’re a Dominant and all of the focus should be on you, but I’m a person, too. I have a voice, and I want to be heard.”

Damn. Sweet could hear his brother saying “I told you so” in his head.

“Okay, where were you these last few days? What’s been going on while I’ve been worried about you, calling you day and night?” Sweet crossed his arms over his chest.

Nikla shook her head. “Goodbye, Sweet.” She made sure to keep her face turned away from him as she held the door open.

Damn it. Sweet didn’t want to go. After the turmoil he’d been through over the past week, he wanted to stay there with Nikla and fight the good fight. Couldn’t she see that they needed to be together? Couldn’t she tell that he’d been hurting without her? From just looking at her, he saw her pain. He also recognized that him standing there, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, gave her more anguish than he wanted.

Finally taking his brother’s suggestion, he walked to the door. He stopped at it long enough to snake his hand around her waist and pull her close to him.

Sweet kissed the side of her face. “I’m not perfect. I’ll give you your space, but just know I still want you. I’ll never stop trying to win you back.” He took a deep breath before he said what he really wanted to tell her. “I love you.” Sweet reached the door, but before he crossed the threshold, he stopped. He turned back to her. “Blue.”

Nikla stared at him for a moment. “What?”

“You said if I was ever in trouble to use my safe word.”

A look of recognition crossed her face. Nikla dropped her gaze to the floor.

Without another word, Sweet retreated, feeling like a failure.

How could he gain her trust again when she could barely look at him?

Chapter Thirty-One

After a quick shower and a restless night, Nikla changed into her normal yoga pants, sports bra top with a wraparound sweater, and some sneakers. She arrived at work early, hoping not to find Sweet waiting for her in the parking lot.

Work would be the only thing to occupy her mind right now. If she called in sick and sat at home alone with her thoughts, she would be driven crazy thinking about Sweet, his business and what could have been.

It still surprised her that Sweet had shown up to her apartment. It shocked her even more that she had the strength to refuse him although seeing him again, kissing him, and having him touch her brought her body back to some wonderful memories.

Then he said he loved her. Did he mean it? Had he only said it out desperation?

He’d even used his special safe word. For that, Nikla had almost accepted him back into her life.

As soon as he left, she’d gone to her freezer for that damn Snickers bar. One look at it, she knew taking even one bite wouldn’t have solved her problems. She did something she should have done years ago: threw that damn candy bar in the trash.

Nikla did her classes that day in a fog, something some of her students noticed.

“Are you okay?” Ashley asked after her class. “You seemed a bit out of it.”

Nikla sighed as she gathered the supplies. “I am, but I’ll be okay.”

At the doorway to the workout room, Karen opened the door for Ashley. 

“Oh hey, Nikki, uh, Nikla.” Karen tucked her hair behind her ear. “Can I talk to you?”

Nikla looked up and saw Big Tom walking behind Karen. He glanced at her and nodded his head.

“Whatever you have to ask, you can do it here.” Nikla secured her workout bag on her shoulder.

“Okay. I really need someone to cover my spinning class tonight. Can I count on you?” She chewed on her lower lip.

Nikla sighed. Honestly she had nothing else to do. “Sure.” She felt so defeated.

Karen squealed and attempted to throw her arms around Nikla. Nikla held up her hand to stop the enthusiastic woman.

“I’m going out to lunch.” Nikla walked by Karen and stared at Big Tom. “If that’s okay.”

Big Tom said nothing as she continued walking.

As usual, Nikla and Deana went to the same place for lunch. Nikla got her standard salad bar salad and stared at it as it sat on the table. She picked at it with her fork but couldn’t eat any of it. Why did she even bother going out to lunch?

Nikla stared at a crouton on her salad. She picked it up and placed on the back of her hand. Like the jellybeans Sweet had put down her arms the very first time they played in his store, she focused on the feeling of that rye-bread crouton on her hand.

She closed her eyes and thought about every bump and grit over the crouton. Nikla concentrated on the connection to her skin. To her, the cube felt like a million pounds and would keep her in her spot. Coupled with the fact that she still wore her candy bracelet, Nikla knew Sweet still had her under his spell.

“Are you listening to me?” Deana asked, snapping Nikla out of her thoughts.

“No. I’m thinking about something else,” Nikla answered honestly while still keeping the crouton on her hand.