Liberty (17 page)

Ryan could only stare at it. He was stunned. He didn’t mean for their afternoon to turn out like this, with her shoving a knife in his chest. She was right. He might have a life and a family elsewhere. He just couldn’t remember. And if didn’t remember, he couldn’t leave her. No matter what waited for him in the real world, nothing would change the fact that he had fallen deeply in love with Lexy and he couldn’t let her go.

Chapter Sixteen

L
exy sat on the floor of her living room, colorful little squares of cloth decorated her lap as she tried to piece them together. She had four months to finish the baby quilt for Jemma’s daughter. Baby quilts always made her sad. She would never feel the excitement of an expectant mother. That never stopped her from making a quilt, though. She loved walking into the hospital to see a new life. She prayed that the child would have a life that the one she lost couldn’t.

Keys rattled in the door, followed by the sound of heavy footsteps. Ryan was home. The man who claimed that he wasn’t her husband. They had barely spoken in days, functioning as roommates only. This is how it should have been from the beginning. She wouldn’t have started to have feelings for him. It would have been easy to leave him.

He sat down on the couch behind her, his knees on either side of her body. He put the ring down on the coffee table in front of her.

“I want you to wear your wedding ring.”

She shook her head. “Why do you care? You say you’re not my husband.”

“I’m not the man you married,” he said softly. “But I am your husband. The moment I opened my eyes and saw you standing over me, I became your husband. I don’t want to live like this anymore, Lex. Please wear it.”

“Are you making demands?” Her temper sparked as she jabbed her needle through the yellow fabric.

“Yes, I am. You are my wife. You need to start acting like it.”

“Fine, whatever.” She slipped her wedding ring back on, hating that she missed seeing it there. She wouldn’t tell him that she had missed him these past few days.

“Now quit being mad at me. It’s getting on my nerves.”

“Quit being an ass and I will.” As soon as the words left her mouth she flinched, almost waiting for a slap that she knew would never come. She knew he wouldn’t hit her but somewhere in the back of her mind the old Ryan lurked, waiting for her to let her guard down.

Ryan leaned close to her, placing his lips on her skin. She hurt him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He didn’t respond. She only felt his rigid body behind her. Finally after tense moments he picked up the braid that hung down her back and gently fingered the gnarled scar at the base of her neck.

“I won’t hit you. Ever. I won’t force you. Ever. I’m the man you are supposed to be with. I wish you would stop treating me like a monster.”

“Ryan.” Tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She had never cried so much as she had these past few months.

“Am I that bad?” He brushed the tears away with his thumbs. “Do you hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you at all. I’m just afraid that...”

“Tell me.”

“I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with you and you’ll turn back into him.”

He swept her into his lap, cupping her face in his hands. She wanted to look away from him. The expression in his eyes was so intense.

“Are you falling in love with me, Lexy?”

“Shut up.” That was a question she didn’t want to answer.

A slow smile spread across his face. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

“You don’t have to warn me anymore.” She wanted his kiss; she longed for it.

“I don’t?”

“No.” She relaxed completely in his arms for the first time since he left the hospital. He pecked her mouth and tingles of warmth spread through her.

“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered against her mouth. “Do you believe me?”

“I want to, but—”

“No buts.” He brushed another brutally soft kiss across her lips. “Let me make love to you.”

She wanted him to. Only God knew how much, but there was something she couldn’t let go of.

“I don’t know...”

“I’ll be gentle—I promise. And if you ask me to stop, I will.”

She believed his promise and so when he lowered his mouth to hers, taking her lips between his own, she let him. He probed gently at first, taking his time, loving her mouth, loving her taste. She knew she could no longer let him go.

Her hand came to rest upon his cheek. He heard her sigh and knew that he had won her.

* * *

Be gentle.

He needed to be gentle because he couldn’t afford to lose her. If she knew how much he wanted her it would scare her. Hell, it scared him.

Lexy’s mouth drifted open, her sweet tongue came out and brushed his, causing pure fire to shoot to his groin. She noticed. She felt his erection on her bottom and pressed herself into it.

“You never used to respond to me like this before,” she whispered into his mouth. “It would take hours of dirty movies for you to come after me.”

Come after her? He broke the kiss and stared down at her. The man Lexy had married had forced her into bed. No wonder she was afraid.

“I’m sorry.” She looked apologetic for bringing it up. “Don’t stop kissing me. I shouldn’t keep bringing up the past.”

She took his face in her hands and searched. For what? Signs of anger? Forgiveness? He did not know. She pressed a kiss to his mouth.

“I threw all the dirty movies in the trash the day you left.”

“I don’t need them. You’re in every dirty movie that plays in my mind.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment,” she laughed.

It was a rare sound.

“It is. Let me tell you all my fantasies. There are about a thousand of them. We could be here awhile.” His kissed her throat, still feeling the vibrations of her laughter.

“You’re full of shit, Ryan.”

“Fantasy number three,” he murmured into her skin.

“What?” Her eyes danced with aroused amusement. He had never seen her that way before.

“You talking dirty. I love a girl with a filthy mouth.”

“My mouth isn’t filthy,” she protested. “Just a little messy. Will you still love me?”

He kissed her forehead. “I will always love you.”

In that moment a flash came to him. He was sitting in an office in one of those cushy leather desk chairs that cost a fortune. He wasn’t alone. In his lap sat that redhead he saw from time to time. She asked him the same question—
Will you still love me?
He couldn’t recall the answer to her question because the woman whose name he couldn’t remember floated away and he was left looking at his current love, who was looking at him with concern in those slanted eyes.

“What is it, Ry?”

It was a memory, a glimpse into his past, and instead of rejoicing in recovering yet another piece to his puzzle, it troubled him. He was afraid, afraid that if he delved into his past he wouldn’t get the future he wanted with the girl he was in love with.

“Ryan—” she placed her fingertips on his temple “—what is it, honey?”

“My head.”

“Your head?” She jumped out of his lap and ran to the kitchen to retrieve the medicine the doctor had prescribed for him. “Take these and go lay down.”

“I’m fine, Lex.” He pulled her into his lap, sorry he said anything.

“Don’t be macho, just take them.”

“Lexy my head doesn’t hurt. I had a flashback.”

“Please—” She touched his cheek with her hand. “In all the years we’ve been married I’ve never asked you for a thing, but now I’m asking you to do something just for me. Take the pills and go lay down. You have no idea how much I worry about you.”

She just revealed herself. Silly woman. She had no idea how good it made him feel.

“Why are you smiling at me like that?”

“You love me, don’t you?”

He watched her mouth drop open. His chest swelled.

“You do!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms, causing the pills to drop to the floor.

“Shut up, Ryan,” she said as he kissed her under her ear. “I love toe jam more than I love you.”

“You can say no all you want, but everything you do tells me that you love me.”

“No,” she gasped as she tried to get off his lap. He tightened his grip on her. “Oh, go lay down,” she growled in frustration. She wiggled a lot, managing to arouse him in the process. He let her go.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He folded his arms over his broad chest and stared at her. She amused him with her denial. There was no way he could believe that she was apathetic to him.

“Please.” She changed her tactic, speaking softly now. “Go take a nap.”

“Only if you do something for me.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “What?”

“Come to bed with me.” He pulled her into his lap.

“Ry.” She looked unsure again, even afraid.

“Let me love you.”

“I’m afraid.” She touched the backs of her fingers to his cheek. “What if you really aren’t my husband, like you say? What if you belong to somebody else? I can’t be the person to ruin a marriage. I know how it feels.”

“I’m your husband,” he whispered. He almost wished that he hadn’t said anything.

“What if you are my husband and I can’t get over the past?”

“What if you stopped thinking and just felt?”

“Oh,” she breathed. “I want to, but—”

“Shh.” He stood and carried her to his bedroom. “Trust me, baby.” He knew he asked her for a lot, but he couldn’t wait any longer.

He laid her on the bed and slowly began to peel off her clothing. She was beautiful nude—thick and luscious. Not normally his type of woman. His girlfriend was neat and trim. But Lexy, she had a body he obsessed about. She was different and intoxicating and not his wife. But he was going to love her anyway because he just couldn’t stop himself.

“Ryan?” She called him another man’s name, a monster’s name. She looked up at him with those big brown slanted eyes and he didn’t know how anyone could hurt her.

“Yes, honey?” He smoothed his hands across her bare hips.

“I—” She broke off as he lowered his lips to that ugly scar on her breast. “What if I...” Words fails her as he took her nipple in his mouth, teasing it, sucking on it until it was a hard, little aroused pebble.

* * *

She gasped, not believing that this was going to happen. His mouth felt good on her. So hot and wet that she shivered, she trembled hard. She wanted him, the man she thought to be her husband.

“What if I can’t do this?” she managed, trying to blink away the tears. He didn’t answer, instead he dropped his head between her thighs and started to kiss her. Down there. Between her legs. In a place she never thought she’d be kissed until he showed her it was possible. That fact put another bit of doubt in the back of her mind. Her husband would have never taken the time to seduce her, to please her.

He parted her with his fingers and ran his warm flat tongue inside her. A moan escaped her lips and she grabbed on to the bed to make sure she wasn’t falling off the earth.

“You’re so beautiful, Lexy,” he murmured as he began to bring her pleasure.

She never knew she could be treated this way by a man who spoke with no accent and was taller that she remembered.

He’s not your husband.

I know.

A stranger was about to make love to her and she was going to let it happen. He ran his tongue in long deep strokes until something inside her broke. Waves of now familiar feeling shook her violently and a lovely warmth encased her. She orgasmed quickly. He was the only man to ever bring her to do so.

But before she had time to recover, the man had come inside her, filling her up in a way that was foreign. He moved in and out of her with deep, thick, long strokes. He called her beautiful and kissed her lips and her neck. He suckled her breasts and ran his hands over every inch of skin he could reach.

He wasn’t hers. He couldn’t be. One day he would remember and she would feel guilty—or worse, she would wait for her own husband to emerge. It was an ugly thought during such a beautiful moment.

She tried to think of other things but the tears started to form in her eyes. He was trying so hard to make her feel good, to make her feel loved. He was succeeding. She had been prepared to feel a lot of things when he came home but loved was not one of them.

“You’re so sweet, Lexy,” he whispered, kissing her shoulder and neck.

He was a good lover. That building feeling of passion was growing again. He was so much better than her husband, so much sweeter and kinder. He went to kiss her mouth when he stopped cold.

“What’s wrong?” He looked down at her. “Am I hurting you? Why are you crying?”

“No.” She grabbed him, feeling panicky. “Please don’t stop.” She had to get through this. He deserved the gift of her body. He had been so patient and sweet. He made her feel whole again. She wrapped her legs around his hips, bringing him closer to her. He was still hard inside her.

“Please, Ryan.” She rolled her hips underneath him, causing both of them to feel that sexual force that was uncontrollable between them. He began to move inside her once more.

Touching his back, she felt his scars, the places where the hot debris burned him. She kept touching those places to remind herself that the Ryan she knew was gone. But she kept seeing visions of him, forcing himself on her after she lost the baby. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. A sob tore from her throat. Pleasure and anguish fought for control of her body.

“I can’t do this.” He stopped. “I can’t.” He rolled off her and sat on the side of the bed, his head in his hands. “You hate me.”

“No!” She scrambled to sit beside him but her tears wouldn’t stop coming. “You’ve been so good to me.”

“Then why do I feel like I’m forcing you? Tell me what to do, Lexy, because I don’t know anymore.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” She wrapped her arms around him. “You’ve been so good to me. I appreciate it.” She could feel his hurt. She hated that she hurt him.

“You’re supposed to be treated that way, Lexy. You don’t have to thank me.”

“I do, because you used to—
He
used to force me,” she choked. “Hurt me, debase me. He used to...” She couldn’t take the look in his eyes. She couldn’t face him, this good man who didn’t belong to her. She ran out of the room, no longer able to face him.