Libera Me (20 page)

My world stops as her words seep through me.

“I don’t ever want to know her.”

The oxygen leaves my lungs in a whoosh and everything crashes through me. Images flash against my thoughts. Elle’s death. Nesy’s death. My legs begin to tremble with the weight of it all. I close my eyes, willing the onslaught to end.

“Nesy.” Her name scrapes across my throat.

“I’m not her, Aydan. This angel-warrior-girl you want me to be…it’s too late. I can’t be her. Won’t be her.”

The deaths race through me again and my world closes in on itself. I grab the fence, unsure of how much longer I’ll be able to stand.

“Please,” I whisper. “Don’t do this, Nesy. I need you. Please.”

“I’m not what you need, Aydan. I never was.”

Nessa reaches her hand out to me, the chain and winged charm dangling in front of my eyes. “Here. This is yours.”

“Nesy,” I say, swallowing back the shame and regret. The pain. “Keep it. It belongs to you.”

She drapes the chain over my hand and turns away. She’s refusing our life together, refusing her life with Lorelei.

“Goodbye Aydan,” she says as she walks back to her car.

I inhale the emotions, allowing them to strengthen me. The Beast roars to life, wanting more. I shove him down, using his power to fuel my own. Drawing a sharp breath I straighten and run to catch her.

“Nessa. Wait.”

She pauses. I catch up quickly and grab her arm, spinning her to me. “I don’t care about our past,” I say. “Only our future.”

“We can’t have a future. Not anymore. Not after…”

“I scared you before. I get that. Just give me another chance.”

The marks on my neck burn as Nessa’s eyes fill with tears. I feel her pain well inside, hear her thoughts as she contemplates giving in. The new sensations overwhelm me, so much like the monster I once was.

I should release the power the Beast gives me. But I can’t. Not yet. I need it, need to hear what she wants, convince her to stay.

I pull her closer, watching her defenses begin to break. Her breathing grows erratic, her pulse racing.

“Aydan.”

“Please Nessa. Let’s just get through the week, go to graduation, the party. If you still believe we shouldn’t be together, you can leave after that and I’ll never bother you again. Please.” I run my thumb against her cheek, catching the lone tear. “Please.. Give us a chance.”

She closes her eyes. I kiss her forehead, breath held.

“Nesy,” I whisper. “Stay.”

Her eyes pop open and she pushes me back. “I’m not her. I will never be
your
Nesy. I will never live up to the expectations you have.”

“You don’t need to. I only want you.”

“You want the girl you see when you look at me. The one from your dreams. The one you write about in your book. But I’m not her. I’ll never be her.”

Nesy pushes against my chest, building a wall between us in a single heartbeat.

“I can’t pretend anymore Aydan. I won’t. I need to move forward. I need my life back.”

Her words steal the air from my lungs and I double-over. Everything begins to spin. The marks sear across my neck and the Beast, awakened by emotions too strong to control, screams to be fed once more.

My heart pounds against my ribs. Nesy pushes past me, gets into her car and speeds off.

Every instinct urges me to follow her and force her to listen.

Get her.

     
—Nesy, why?

Take her.

     
—I never meant to hurt you.

Kill her.

     
—I will always love you.

Her car turns as I watch, glued to the spot, refusing to give into the monster I am. A moment passes. And another. I gasp, my lungs screaming for air. Over and over, I gasp, unable to breath. My legs wobble as I kneel. I punch the pavement, tearing my knuckles open. My mind closes in on itself as I feel myself fall.

There is no one to catch me this time, no one to keep me from drowning in my own despair. Nesy has rejected me, rejected our life. She is not coming back this time.

She is never coming back.

And I cannot live without her.

                  I will not.

Chapter 30 – Apostate

Zane

The Council chambers feel cold, despite the glaring sun outside. There was a time when I felt honored to meet with the Council. But that feeling is gone, replaced by a dread too difficult to put into words. I know they’re meeting with Caim, listening to the lies he spreads about Nesy and her true allegiance. His doubts confuse me. He’s the one who has shown weakness, the one whose loyalty we should question.

He is the problem.

Not Nesy.

I pace, my body tense. The weight of my worry settles in my wings, making them too heavy to unfold. I stretch my neck, desperate for some relief. I wish I could hear his words. His lies.

“Maybe they aren’t lies.” Cass walks into the chamber, her eyes carrying a sadness that reaches too deeply into my soul.

“Don’t say that.”

“Zane, you’re too close to see the truth. I’ve heard what Caim has to say, and I must admit, he has a point.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, turning my back on her. I know who Nesy is, know her heart. Regardless of what everyone else thinks.

Cass tugs on my arm, turning me. “I’m not saying Nesy is trying to hurt Aydan or anyone else. I do think someone is using her though.”

I look down, refusing to acknowledge her words.

“And I do think you are far too involved to see the truth.”

My wings twitch as I inhale a sharp breath.

“Zane, I know about you two, the kiss, your promise to her.”

Our eyes meet as I clench my jaw.

“And if I know, Gabriel knows. You need to be careful with the Council.”

I hadn’t planned on this. But I don’t care. For the first time I truly understand Nesy’s frustration with the Council and its rules. I understand her sacrifice. Mikayel’s. It’s a sacrifice I would gladly make now.

The chamber doors open and Caim walks out. His eyes burn through me. My gaze narrows as I watch him leave.

“Zanethios,” Gabriel says. “We’re ready for you.”

I walk in with Cass, my rage too close to the surface to control. The room feels larger than normal, filled with members of every order. A thousand eyes follow me to the altar. “Whatever he said, he’s wrong,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. “Completely wrong.”

The two Sentinals blocking the steps to the altar close in toward me. Gabriel stands, nodding off the guards. They stop, their gaze fixated on me.

“Master, please. Nesy isn’t a spy. I know she isn’t. I’ve seen her mind, felt her thoughts.”

Gabriel’s eyebrows arch, the only part of his stony expression to show any acknowledgment that I have spoken. I steal a glance at Mikayel. He scowls, a clear warning against speaking further. But I have to be heard. For Nesy’s sake.

And my own.

“And what is it that you think you've seen, Zanethios?” Sariel’s voice echoes around the room as he enters the Chamber. “What do you know that my Guardian does not?”

He walks past me and up the steps, joining the Council on the altar. His crimson robes and red-tinged wings cast an eerie glow across the room. In many ways, he reminds me more of Azza and Aydan than an angelic being. Same brooding demeanor. Same haunting expression. Same stoic determination.

Cass’s hand finds mine. She squeezes hard, a warning I must heed. I nod slightly and swallow.

“I mean no disrespect, Master Sariel. But I saw nothing of Azza in her thoughts. Nor did I see anything to convince me that she is wholly human. I think..no I know that she …”

“She’s what?” Sariel’s gaze penetrates my defenses.

“She’s Nesayiel of the Sentinals. A warrior of Mikayel. Defender of Celestium.” My voice cracks. “She’s still angelic.”

The Council jumps to life, hushed whispers breaking into a controlled frenzy. Gabriel again raises a hand, silencing the throng of onlookers.

“Zanethios? How is this possible? Nesayiel is dead. You saw her body.” Raphael and the others stare, reaching into my thoughts.

I steal myself against the onslaught and settle my mind.
They don’t know,
I say to myself.
How is this possible?

“Masters,” I say, tired of the charade. “Mikayel and I—”

“Zanethios made a deal with Lilith.” Mikayel’s voice is cold and distance. He looks at none but me, his mind breaking through my barriers.
Relax
, he warns.
Say nothing
.

I have no choice but to comply.

“What are you saying Mikayel?” Raphael’s eyes pass from mine to Mikayel’s

“It had to be done.”

“Had to be done? Without the Council’s knowledge? Without our
blessing
?” Sariel’s tone rises to a feverish pitch.

I’ve never seen such anger from the Council. Not even between Nesy and Mikayel.

“You should have—” Raphael pauses, creating an unbearable silence. It steals the air from the room.

“What?” Mikayel finally asks. “Let her die?” His voice matches Sariel’s.

“Yes. You should have.” Sariel stands in front of Mikayel, his hand on his sword.

“That’s enough,” Gabriel says. His calming voice carries a layer of uncharacteristic torment beneath the surface. “Mikayel had the Council’s blessing. My blessing. We all knew the day would come when we would need Lilith. Resurrecting Nesy is as good a reason as any.”

“Lilith can’t be trusted. You know this Gabriel.” Sariel turns, the anger coming from him in waves.

“There was a price, yes?” Raphael pins me with his glare.

“Yes, sir.”

“This just gets better and better,” Sariel says over his shoulder.

“Perhaps you should share all that you know, Zanethios.” Gabriel nods and I know his true intent.

“I gave Lilith my memories of Nesayiel, along with my sight. Payment for her life.”

“Steep price for one Sentinal.” Sariel turns, staring through me. “Even one such as Nesayiel.”

Mikayel ignores the slight, focusing only on me. I feel his presence wrap with mine as he opens his mind to me. At once a cacophony of emotions passes between us. My stomach flops and my palms begin to sweat. So much conflict and pain. So much regret.

There is a depth to Mikayel I don’t expect. His emotions are familiar and we are immediately connected in a way that surprises me. He nods and retreats, leaving me breathless.

Gabriel’s gaze flints between us until finally, he speaks. “Alright,” he says. “That’s enough about that.”

“Alright?” Sariel’s voice booms through the hall. “I need more than a simple
alright
on this. What does this deal with Lilith have to do with my Guardian and his opinions about the girl? If anything, this validates his warnings.”

I open my mouth to reply. Mikayel shuts it with a single glance. He squares his shoulders and looks first to Gabriel, then to Sariel before speaking.

“If Zanethios feels she is not of Azza, she is not of Azza.” He looks back to me. “But, I am not convinced she is still angelic.”

“Agreed,” Gabriel says.

Silence blooms in the room as the Council elders close their eyes, communicating amongst themselves.

Within a moment, Gabriel looks to me. “Zanethios,” he says. “You are to remain in Celestium. Caimael will return and keep watch on the situation. We know what lives in Aydan. We know the challenges he faces. And, we can assume he’s still Azzaziel’s target.”

My mind spins.
I am ordered to stay. Stay? While Caim keeps watch? No. I can’t let this happen.

“As for Nesayiel, we will have to wait and see what her future holds.” Gabriel turns toward Sariel, his lips drawn in a stiff line. “Speak with your Guardian, Sariel. Make certain he keeps an open mind on this, on her.”

“Wait,” I say, the word sticking in my throat. “Please.”

“Yes, Zanethios.” Gabriel’s gaze bores into mine.

“Sirs,” I push out. “I humbly request to return to Nesayiel. I really think—”

“You heard your orders, Zanethios. Do not make me repeat them.” Gabriel’s focus narrows, and I shrink under his stare.
Go, now. You are making things worse. For everyone.

“
Go,”
resonates through my thoughts in Mikayel’s voice. Cass squeezes my hand. I pull away from her grasp and leave, refusing to look at anyone.

This can’t be happening. I can’t be trapped here.

How did it all go so wrong?

Only one answer floats through me, one reason for the mess. I did this. Me. But I had help.

Caim.

I bristle at the thought of him, my wings rippling with stress as I walk from the chamber. I don’t trust him—not because of the mess at the hospital. Not even because of his distrust of Nesy. It’s something else that bothers me, something that sets my nerves off every time I see him. Something…

Wrong.

Chapter 31 – Choose

Zane

Zane. Cass.
Succurre
. Help me.
Nesy’s voice rings in my ears, startling me. I know it’s real. She’s real. And I can hear her.

She’s in danger—from Aydan or Caim I can’t be certain. I won’t let anything happen to her. Not now, not when she’s reaching out for me. Not when I know she’s still angelic, trapped in a body and a life she doesn’t quite understand.

I run from the Council chambers, my mind focused on finding Caim and stopping him before he leaves. Rules or not, oath or not, I won’t let him hurt her.

I take the steps up the Guardian tower in twos. My muscles strain as I round the corner, headed for his room. The corridor is strangely quiet. There are no Guardians that I can see.

His room is on the end, the door standing open. I stop at the threshold slightly out of breath. “Liar,” I say, the fury rising up in a feverish pitch. “I knew better than to trust you.”

Caim spins, his eyes pinned to mine. “You are the one not to be trusted, Zanethios. You and your love for that girl.”