Liam's List (8 page)

I sat down at my desk and
exhaled sharply, a quick sound between my teeth
. Then I put pen to paper.

Viv,

I’m so sorry I broke my
promise to you when I said I was coming home.
I want to say something and I really mean this, and I don’t
care if I sound like some sappy bastard but you need to know this.
You were the love of my life, the beat of my heart, the girl of my
dreams, and my best friend.

You made my life good. Without you, all the
good days were just days. All the good music just music. And the
rare rainy day in this desert was just another rainy day. But you
made everything better.

Even though we didn’t have
fifty years together (yes, you were never getting rid of me), the
fifteen we did have growing up together were the fullest and
richest years—bar none. That last week we shared meant more to me
than you’ll ever know.
I wish we had more
time. But
just because I’ve passed, it
doesn’t mean I’m not with you.

Just think of me as that one sock that
disappeared in the dryer. I’m still around, you just can’t see me.
Okay, I’m not being real smooth and romantic am I? Scratch that.
Don’t think of me as a missing sock or some Sock Houdini.

Let me try this again…

I have a photo of you above my bed. Every
day, before I laid my head down to sleep, I kissed my fingertips
and pressed them to your lips. I pinned that photo over my bed so
you could look over me as I slept. Viv, now it’s my turn to look
over you as you sleep.

Always know I have no
regrets. I was
fighting for my country and
my country has always been you. You are the first, the last, and
the only girl I’ve ever loved.

A wise man once said
that
imagination is stronger than
knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are
more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over
experience. That love is stronger than death.

And
I believe that.
I believe our love
is stronger than death. And
sometimes
dreams are a better place
than reality… so dream of me, Viv. Dream of me
kissing you in the sky while the clouds play
hide-and-seek.

You hijacked my heart. Hold it hostage
always and forever.

Liam

I gave myself a moment to collect myself.
Then I took a deep breath and began penning a letter to my mom.

“
Hey, Sykes,” Merrick
called.

I glanced up from my notepad. “Yeah?”

He sat at the edge of his bed with his head
hung low and his elbows on his knees. “If anything happens to me,
my letters are in my desk drawer. Will you make sure my wife gets
them?”

“
Of course.”

“
Fuck.” Merrick released a
ragged sigh. “That was tough to write… especially the one for my
daughter.”
He grew quiet, grim even. Just
when I’d decided he wasn’t going to speak again, he said,
“Can you proofread my letters?”

I stared at him, slightly taken aback by his
request. “Proofread them?”

“
Yeah.” He rose to his
feet and crossed the short distance to his desk. “Make sure I
didn’t make any spelling errors, typos, grammar mistakes, that sort
of stuff.”

“
Look.” I considered a
moment. “I really don’t think they’ll care about stuff like
that.”

“
I care.” Merrick opened
his desk drawer, retrieved the letters, and thrust them at me. “I
don’t want my daughter growing up thinking her dad’s a crap
speller.”

“
All right.”
I set my pen aside and resigned myself to the
task. “I’ll do it.” Reclining in my chair, I unfolded the first
letter and began reading.

My sweet, sweet Nina,

I want you to know how
very much Daddy loves you. I left for Iraq when you were thirteen
months old and leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It was the
best day of my life. My life wasn’t whole until the day you came
into this world. You were so tiny in my arms, yet you left an
imprint on Daddy’s heart the size of a bear paw. That was your
favorite thing—bears! Every time I read your favorite bedtime
storybook to you—
Brown Bear, Brown Bear
What Do you See?
—you would smile at me and
my heart would just melt.

I wish I had more time
with you, my sweet girl, but it wasn’t meant to be. And I’m so
sorry I will not be able to see you grow up. To teach you how to
ride a bike, to show you how to drive a car… to walk you down the
aisle. But you have an amazing mom who will be there for you every
step of the way. Please be good for Mommy and help her out whenever
you can. We both love you so very much. Never forget how special
you are to us. Never forget how very special you are to me. You
mean the world to me and you will always be
Daddy’s little girl.

And if you can do one thing for Daddy, it is
this—please be a good person. Love the people who treat you right
and have compassion for those who don’t. And try to take school
seriously. With a good education, you can become anything you want
to be. And stay away from drugs. All right, that’s three things so
I’ll stop there.

I love you with all my
heart, Nina, and I will always be proud of you, no matter
what.
Just know Daddy made it to heaven
before you and I will see you again some day. And when we meet
again, be prepared for the BIGGEST BEAR HUGS.

With all my love,


Your Daddy Bear

In the dimly lit trailer, I sat thinking
about his letter for a long moment. At last, I said, “Yo,
Merrick?”

All I got back was a snore. Merrick was
already fast asleep.

Leaving him to snore softly in peace, I
unfolded the next letter.

Dearest Diane,

I really hope this letter
never gets to you. If it does, then I’m sure you’ve heard the news.
I’m so sorry
.
I’m
so sorry I never had the time to show you just how much I really
love you. And that is one of my biggest regrets.

I only have one favor to
ask of you. I ask that you live.
Cherish
no sentimental crap about remarriage. When the right man comes
along to help you in life, you ought to be your happy self again.
Please don’t grieve over me too long. Be strong for Nina. Be strong
for me. Most of all, be strong for yourself. Don’t worry about me.
Although it may seem like my life was cut short, I’ve lived a life
that most can only dream of. I married the perfect woman, and I
have a beautiful daughter who never ceased to amaze me every
day.

Tell Nina stories of me.
Let her know how much I loved her and how much I will always love
her. Keep me alive in her heart.
And when
you feel sad, just think about the memories we shared, about the
life we created. Look at our daughter and how beautiful she is.
What a price to pay, eh? To forfeit the sight of your beautiful
faces.

I love you, Diane. And if you love me,
please find happiness in your life. Don’t be afraid to love again.
You may think it impossible now, but when the time is right, have
faith. All I want is for you to be happy.

Your loving husband,


Brian

Emotion caught in my throat, prickly and raw.
Just when I thought I’d peeled the entire onion that was Brian
Merrick—BAM! Another layer.

I guess I never knew Merrick had this other
side to him.

That giant hulk of a man might be built like
a Bradley tanker, but he was one giant softie.

Sighing, I pressed the
heels of my hands against my eyes and made a promise to myself. A
promise to keep Merrick safe so his wife and daughter would never
have to see these letters.
Gathering
myself, I folded Merrick’s letters and placed them on his desk,
careful not to disturb his sleep.

Then I grabbed a pen and a Post-it note and
scribbled down:

Didn’t edit a thing. Your letters were
flawless.

Chapter Eight

Liam

Dawn was a faint, gray smudge on the horizon
as we sped off toward Karmah, the treads of our tanks spinning up
clods of dirt.

Our convoy traveled north, our mission force
consisting of several tanks and Bradleys. I was jazzed, on the
edge, and hypervigilant. The area surrounding us was vast and
violent. The target house was a potential trap, and every street
and every road along the way was a potential kill zone.

Clutching the silver medallion around my
neck, I pressed it to my lips for good luck.

Unfortunately, luck was not on our side.
Barely fifty miles from the target house, we were in the midst of a
RPG attack, taking twenty or thirty rounds from every
direction.

Julian, who was at the gun and ready to
engage, countered the attack using the .50 caliber weapon mounted
on the turret. It took him a minute to find the target, and when he
did, he swung the turret around and unleashed a hail of
gunfire.

Seconds later, one of ours tanks crossed the
path of an IED and exploded on impact. Merrick looked through the
optics and shouted, “Two men on the ground! They’re gonna need
help.”

I immediately grabbed a medic, dismounted,
and we hit the ground running with our weapons out, charging up
toward the injured men.

The entire tank was engulfed in flames of red
and gold, smoke and fire rising up from it and twisting
skyward.

Small pebbles and rocks pelted my face, and
my ears rang with the staccato fire of AK-47s as I sprinted up the
road, tasting dirt and gunpowder in my mouth.

In the near distance, just two miles north, I
spotted a car driving erratically down the barren road.

It was going way too fast—in our
direction.

And it was getting closer.

One mile closer.

Five hundred yards closer

Three hundred yards.

Fuck!
A brief flash of terror zipped through me.
It must be a suicide bomber.

One hundred yards now.

I knew I had to act now or it’d be too
late.

Blood thrummed through my veins as I raised
my M-4 assault rifle and opened fire, lighting up the car. I must
have shot over sixty rounds before the car finally slowed to a halt
in the middle of the dirt road.

By then, all the shooting had stopped. The
enemy had been neutralized.

As soon as the medic reached the injured
soldiers, he began ripping off their equipment to treat their
wounds. One of the injured infantry was Zach Mills—a young soldier
from Kenosha, Wisconsin.

The blast had severed one of his legs and he
was bleeding everywhere from the waist down.

I dropped to a crouch in front of him so he
could look directly into my eyes. “You’re gonna be okay, Mills.” My
voice was calm. I didn’t let on that I was shocked or fearful or
angry. Mills was watching me and I knew he was measuring his
condition by the look on my face. “You’re gonna be okay,” I
repeated firmly.

While the medic began the necessary first aid
to keep Mills alive, I radioed for a Medevac. Then I got to my feet
and took slow steps toward the destroyed tank.

A fog of smoke floated around its perimeter.
And the tank itself was incinerated. Burned to a skeleton. As I got
closer, the earth was scorched and the air was thick with the smell
of blood. I stopped in my tracks when my eyes settled on the
mangled remains of my men. They were completely unrecognizable as
human beings.

My stomach turned and I felt myself
heave.

Although I wasn’t tasked to remove the
remains of the dead soldiers, I did it.

I did it so the younger soldiers in my unit
wouldn’t have to do it.

“
Hey,” someone said. I put
myself on guard immediately, but it was just Julian. And beside him
stood Merrick and Shelby.

I saw the emotions play across their faces.
There was anger, then sadness, and then a sort of numb
desolation.

Wordlessly, they joined me. And for the next
ten minutes, the four us went about bagging the body parts.

We didn’t speak, and we didn’t look too long
at dismembered limbs.

When the task was completed, we searched
through the body bags for dog tags to help positively identify the
men. But we already knew who they were. They were men from my
company: Nathan Malone, Kyle Buchanan, Luis Navarro, and Greg
Laswell.

We lost four men that day.

My chest was heaving. I tried to fall back on
my training and lock down my emotions, but I was filled with too
much rage.

It oozed out from my every pore, and it
coiled within me like a living thing.

In the next moment, I heard the voice of my
company commander, Dan Reynard. “Sykes,” he said.

“
Sir.” I turned to face
him, breathing hard.

“
That car you shot at.
They were civilians.” He paused. A fine line of sweat formed on his
upper lip. “It was an Iraqi family.”

My breathing
stopped.
Several emotions struck me in the
chest, punching me in quick succession like a series of punishing
blows: shock, disbelief, guilt.
“I…I
thought it was a suicide bomber. The car,” I stammered out, “it was
going too fast. It was driving erratically.”

“
They were probably scared
for their lives.” His face was drawn and his brows furrowed low as
he placed a hand on my shoulder. “Collateral damage. It
happens.”