Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (32 page)

“
So, why is he coming
here? Can’t it wait?”

Shrugging my shoulders I
concluded, “I assume he’s worried about you, maybe both of us. If
you’re not comfortable with it I can call him back.”

“
No. It’s fine. I just
wasn’t expecting it.”

He started eating and
didn’t speak again until Dr. Pratt showed up. I ate as well and
hoped that having Dr. Pratt over wouldn’t be a mistake. When he got
there, we’d just finished eating.

I opened the door and he
said, “You’ve got a stray cat under your porch.”

“
What!” I ran past him and
started looking at the porch, trying to get a glimpse under it. A
moment later a black cat darted out, hissing at me, and ran
away.

“
Are you missing a
cat?”

I looked to Dr. Pratt and
responded, “My cat, Chessa. She ran away on Saturday.”

“
I’m sorry to hear that.”
I just nodded.

We walked in and I sat down
on the couch. James was putting dinner away and had missed the
exchange about Chessa. He came over and sat at the other end of the
couch as Dr. Pratt sat in a chair across from us.

“
So, fill me in. How bad
is the memory loss?”

Dr. Pratt looked to James,
who took a breath and filled him in. Occasionally Dr. Pratt’s eyes
would travel to mine and I’d smile or nod in accordance with what
James revealed to him.

“
Cassidy, how are you
handling this?”

Shrugging my shoulders, “As
best I can. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act.”

“
What do you mean?” James
question caught me off guard because I expected Dr. Pratt to ask
it, not James. Looking to him I voiced my concerns. The same ones
I’d discussed with Jane, Cal and Smith. James didn’t seem upset or
offended and said that my concerns were valid.

“
Ok. Cassidy I have some
questions for you and I want you to be honest.” I agreed. “When was
the last time you two had intercourse.” I looked at him and he just
shook his head saying, “Just the truth.”

Like he knew we broke the
rules, I told the truth, “Friday morning, before the wedding at the
hotel.” I couldn’t bear to look at James and then Dr. Pratt asked
when the last time was that James told me he loved me. “I,
um…”

“
Doc, this is awfully
personal.” I glanced at James, uncertain of what to say and how to
answer.

“
I know it is, but there’s
no reason for either of you hide it. You two had been coming to me
for almost a month. Sex was a vice for you both and I asked for you
two to commit to twenty-eight days of celibacy and no ‘I love yous’
so that you could work on your communication.”

“
Twenty-eight days! What
the fuck!” His reaction was priceless. I started laughing as he
glared at me. “What are you laughing at?”

Trying to contain myself I
said, “Because that was MY reaction. You were more than willing to
do the time. I was the one throwing a fit.”

His brows scrunched
together as he simply said, “Oh.”

“
Ok, so back to my
question. Cassidy, when was the last time he told you he loved
you.”

“
At the wedding while we
were dancing.”

“
And what about
you?”

“
I, well, I didn’t say it
back.” I looked to James who seemed a little surprised and I added,
“I called him before the accident, but I don’t know if he heard. I
told him then.”

“
Wait, we weren’t together
during the accident? What the fuck happened?” He was growing
agitated and I didn’t know what to do.

“
James, calm down. If you
want Cassidy to explain everything you need to sit down, shut up
and listen.” I liked Dr. Pratt more and more every time I saw him.
“That is, if you’re committed to this marriage.”

His eyes darted to mine and
then back to Dr. Pratt’s. “Well, yes. I don’t remember, but I know
that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t love her. I’m
committed.”

I explained in great detail
what had happened with Dan, the bridge and the accident. I added in
the nefarious things too, how I had been dating Dan when James and
I met for the first time. James seemed to handle everything ok, but
he was visibly upset and looked exhausted. I felt bad, but was glad
that at least the Dan portion of our life was out in the
open.

“
And he’s dead?” I nodded.
“Did he drown?”

“
I got a hold of his gun
and shot him in the car before we went under, but you and Paul
pulled me out of the car. Paul got me to shore, but you stayed
under. I don’t know what happened, if there was a struggle with you
and Dan. I don’t know.”

“
Paul?
Vincent!”

“
Yes. He’s back in town
and working for you.” I left it at that. He’d heard enough for one
night.

“
Ok. Cassidy. I understand
your concerns. Honestly. I don’t know how to suggest you two handle
this. I think it’s pretty evident that you two had a break through
and were effectively communicating, and clearly you love one
another.” Looking at James, “I know you don’t remember, but I can
tell you from the private sessions you and I had; you were willing
to die for her and you almost did. I think you should take it slow,
but don’t deny what’s there either. Tread lightly, be cautious and
enjoy one another. After I leave, why don’t you two discuss it a
little further? It doesn’t have to be tonight, you can discuss it
tomorrow, but please talk candidly with one another.”

I was heading up the stairs
as James closed the front door behind Dr. Pratt. I heard his
footsteps follow me up the stairs and a thrill of nerves and
excitement trailed up my spine. It wasn’t that late in the evening,
but I needed to try to go back to work the next day and we needed
our rest. I pulled some pajamas out, since sleeping nude probably
wasn’t the best idea, and walked into the bathroom to
change.

When I walked back out he
wasn’t in the room. I found him in my spare bedroom, where his
treadmill sat and my bike. He was sitting on the edge of my old
twin bed and looked to be lost. I walked over to him and knelt down
in front of him, unaware that the stance I was taking would be
appealing to him.

Placing my hands on his
knees and looking to his face, his eyes scanned over my own. “Are
you ok?” He had circles under his eyes and he pulled back slightly
before I trailed a finger over that scar of his. “Sorry.” I pulled
my hand back to his knee and asked again, “Is there anything I can
do? You’re exhausted. Go to bed.”

He placed his hands around
my wrists in a vice-like grip as his eyes crawled over my body.
Pulling us to our feet, we stood as he held my arms between us. “Do
you mind if I take a shower? I can sleep in here.”

I shook my head and
protested, “James, you can sleep in our bed. All of your things are
in there.” I pointed to our bedroom as he released my hands and
walked away from me. I found him searching the closet and he
emerged with some clothes in hand. “James?”

He walked into the master
bath and turned to me. “I, it’s just that I don’t share my bed.
Hell, my bed has always just been a place for me to sleep. Alone.”
I started to object but he cut me off, “I know we may have, but I
need time. I’ll be just down the hall.”

I smiled, though it nearly
killed me and told him I understood. “I get it. It’s fine.”
Pointing to the bathroom, “All of your toiletries should be
there.”

“
Thank you.”

He closed the door and I
may have jumped at the sound. I crawled into bed feeling defeated
and like we were back to square one. A sudden change seemed to have
swept over him and I didn’t understand. When I woke in the morning
I was still alone. I wasn’t sure what I expected. I walked down the
hall and found his door closed. My hand reached for the knob and
then pulled back. He needed time.

~<>~<>~<>~

Several weeks later I was
on my way home from work. I was looking forward to the weekend, but
it had also become the hardest part of my week. James and I were
still living like roommates and it was killing me. We talked about
everything, when he was around, and wasn’t gone. We’d both thrown
ourselves into work and it was our only solace. Paul had moved back
to Atlanta a couple weeks earlier, once they were all convinced
James could handle the workload.

James still hadn’t
remembered anything and we were all losing hope that he’d ever
remember. When he wasn’t working, he was working out and constantly
walking around the house shirtless. I was beginning to wonder if he
was trying to torture me or if he had no idea what he was doing to
me. I wondered how he’d react if I started walking around without a
shirt on. Hmm, maybe that was a good idea.

I’ll never forget the first
time I saw it. He was running on the treadmill that first week he
was home and I was on my way to work. I realized when I got down
stairs that I’d left my phone on my night stand. I ran back up the
stairs and he had his bare back to me as he wiped his face with a
towel. He had earbuds in and didn’t hear my gasp.

Shoulder blade to shoulder
blade and down the center of his back was a huge anchor tattoo. I
tripped on the last step up and landed on my knee. It was a
blessing because I was able to disguise my tears when he ran over
to see if I was ok. I told him I was a klutz and that he should get
used to it. The last thing he needed was more pressure from me to
remember.

I stared at that tattoo
whenever I could, but knew it was pointless to bring it up. I knew
him—well the old him—well enough to know that it was
my
tattoo. Then it
started eating at me. When had he gotten it? Scenario after
scenario ran through my head. I had a pretty good idea about the
timeframe and hated myself.

That fateful day I had used
my safe word, changing the path we were on, he wanted to show me
something. That tattoo had to be it. Had I just kept my mouth shut,
he’d have shown me that tattoo and I probably would’ve forgiven
him, let him back in. I had to try to let it go, but it was eating
me alive. I’d never lose my faith in him again, no matter how long
it took I was going to get him back. I just had to be
patient.

Part of being patient
apparently included masturbating to his image almost every night.
It got me off, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted him and knew he
wanted me, too. At least I hoped he did. I just couldn’t figure out
what he was waiting for. I was becoming desperate, thinking about
making the first move, but scared to death and worried he’d reject
me.

~ JAMES ~

The weeks flew by and
summer was going to end before I knew it. Delaney, Smith and Paul
had done a great job of getting me up to speed on all the projects
I had on my plate. The Benedict was a dream and I was still in awe
of it. It had been a pipedream, last I remembered, and I’d made it
happen. I’d come to terms with losing mom, but it would always
hurt.

Cassidy had been wonderful,
but it was like having a really hot roommate that I couldn’t touch.
Of course, I knew that was all in my head. She was my wife, of
course I could touch her. That was the hardest part for me. I had
rules when it came to intimacy, or at least I had at one point.
Only at the club, or a hotel, my terms, no kissing, and those were
just the beginning of my long list of regulations. What had
happened or changed that I’d let her in? I couldn’t believe that we
didn’t have sex at home, in our bed, but we also hadn’t discussed
things like we had agreed to and Dr. Pratt had suggested. I didn’t
want to believe that she was a cold fish, but she’d also made no
attempt to become intimate either.

I spent many nights
watching her as she slept and wondered if she ever did the same. I
should have just kissed her and gotten it over with. I knew the
attraction was there, but. Nothing. I was being an idiot. Enough
was enough. I’d take the bike out for a ride like I planned and
then I’d come home and make my move. I just hoped I wouldn’t
disappoint her.

I was putting my helmet on
when I heard the purring and looked down to see a cat weaving in
and out of my legs. I tried shooing the thing away, but instead it
walked up the steps and made itself at home. I fucking hated stray
cats.

Then I heard a different
purr, the one of her mustang as it pulled in the drive. She was
home early. I watched her long legs slide out of the car and
watched the skirt fall from mid-thigh back to her knees. Her hair
was down and my fingers curled up with a need to touch the red
strands.

“
Hey. I was just heading
out.” I watched as her eyes scanned my body and the bike. Had I
missed the signs? She was looking at me like I was a piece of meat.
“I’ll be back in a bit. Will you be here?” I saw her posture change
slightly. Did she want to go for a ride?

“
Ok. Be safe.” She turned
and headed toward the front door.

“
Cassidy!” She turned and
I said, “Careful, you’ve got a stray cat on the porch. Have you
been feeding it or something?”

Her eyes darted to the
porch as she cried out, “Chessa!”