Letting Go (13 page)

“It’s just that you acted so strangely, and looked upset about it,” said Kate.

Laura hesitated, and poured them both some more wine.

“Well, it’s stupid really. I should’ve found a way to deal with it by now.” Kate was silent as Laura tossed some more wood on the fire and they watched the rising shower of red sparks disappear up the chimney. Laura was kneeling on the floor in front of the fire, and Kate was sitting on the edge of the bed. Laura continued, “I used to love the ocean. The roughness and the wildness of it. But it lost its attraction for me; I don’t see the beauty in it a anymore.” Laura paused thoughtfully, and sipped her wine. “Sometimes, when it’s stormy at home, and the water gets rough, I can’t stand looking at it.” Laura took a deep breath. “I lost Alex to the sea. She drowned.”

Kate instantly went to her and put her arms around her. “Oh darling, I’m sorry,” she said. “I would never have 121

suggested it if I’d known.”

Laura looked into Kate’s warm, compassionate eyes, and smiled at her. “I know that, but you couldn’t have known. I should have told you before.”

“I don’t want you to get upset. You don’t have to tell me about it if you’d rather not.”

“I want to tell you.” Laura gently stroked Kate’s cheek, thinking again how sweet she was.

“About two years before Alex died, we’d finally saved up enough money to buy a small beach cottage...we put down a deposit, anyway. We were paying off a house in Melbourne too, so it was really stretching us financially. It was only a little shack, really. The paint was all peeling, and we put in a lot of work fixing it up. But the best thing was that it was right on the beach.It was built into the side of a cliff, and there were steps cut into the rock leading down to the beach. It was very private there. There weren’t many other houses close by, and the beach was very rocky, and the water was rough around the cliffs. It was the back beach, some distance from the calmer sandy beach where the families and holiday-makers went. Some brave surfers used to come there. Anyway, the expense was worth it; we spent nearly every weekend there, often with friends staying with us. I really enjoyed the beach, but Alex just loved it. She was a really good swimmer; it was hard to get her out of the water. She’d swim in all conditions, when it was far too cold for me. She liked surfing too, which used to scare me sometimes.”

Laura paused and drained her glass. Kate refilled it for her, and kissed her cheek. “We’d taken a week’s vacation—

it was late summer. We were there celebrating our tenth anniversary. We’d been there for four days, and the weather 122

had been perfect. Our anniversary was on the Saturday, and in the morning, after an early swim, we bought a fresh crayfish, straight off a fishing boat down at the docks.” Laura paused for a moment as her mind filled with the memories. She smiled. “We had a romantic dinner with champagne and talked about all the crazy things we’d done together over the years. We adored each other; things only seemed to get better.”

Laura got up then, and taking the fire poker, she turned the blackened logs, causing the flames to leap to life, burning brightly. It was very quiet in their room, apart from the crackling of the fire, and the ticking of an old clock on the mantel.

“It had suddenly grown cold that evening, and we’d lit a fire. After dinner, we made love on the floor in front of the hearth. I remember hearing the wind howling outside as a storm blew up.” Laura laughed softly. “I remember Alex teasing me, because I insisted on getting a blanket from our bed to put over the rug. I thought the rug might be dirty from the fireplace. The next morning, Alex wanted to get up early, to go for a swim before breakfast, but I wouldn’t let her. I wanted to make love to her again and dragged her back into bed. Of course, I could see later that I should have let her go.”

She went over to the window and looked out at the huge full moon and the carpet of stars in the clear country sky. Gazing out of the window, her back to Kate, she continued,

“Later, after breakfast, we went down to the beach together. We walked along the sand for a while, looking in the rock pools. The tide had gone out. Alex decided she wanted to go for a swim. She tried to talk me into going with her, but it was too cold, so I sat down on the wet sand and watched 123

her wade out into the water. She had to go a long way out before it was deep enough to swim. When the water was around her waist, she turned and waved at me. She seemed so far away. Then she turned away and dived under.”

Laura was finding it increasingly difficult to retain her composure, and she paused, running her hand agitatedly across her brow.

“She just disappeared. I waited to see her come up again, but she didn’t. I just couldn’t believe it. She just disappeared. I never saw her alive again.” The tears overwhelmed her now, and were coursing down her face. She sank down into a chair beside the window.

Kate rushed to her and held her close. “I’m so sorry, Laura,” Kate said softly, her voice thick with emotion. “I wish she hadn’t died.”

Laura saw Kate’s face was also wet with tears. Laura held her tightly, and rested her head against her breasts. With difficulty, Laura went on. “I waited for a few minutes for her to resurface. The water was very rough out there, and it was infamous for the dangerous current that pulled the water around the cliff. I started yelling out to her. I ran out into the water until I was chest deep, but I couldn’t see her. The waves were starting to get bigger as the tide began to come in. It turned out that I was there for about half an hour, getting knocked over by the waves and screaming. Some people in a boat some distance away saw me, and they came closer to find out what was wrong. It was risky bringing a boat that far in. Anyway, they dragged me onto the boat, and we headed around to the other side of the cliff. The guy said she must have been caught in the rip, so we should go with the current to find her. He was right. We found her washed up on the rocks a couple of kilometers away. We 124

couldn’t get anywhere near her because of the rocks, so he got on the radio to the coast guard. I was hysterical. I could see her lying there with the waves washing over her, and I couldn’t get near her. I was out of my mind, and I tried to jump out of the boat and swim to her—as if I could. It took both the guy and the woman with him, to hold me back and calm me. I was just praying that she was alive.”

Laura released herself from Kate’s arms and walked over to the fire. She suddenly felt cold. Kate handed her a tissue and she dried her tears.

“The people on the boat took me back to the beach, and I ran all the way around the cliffs, through the scrub, to get to the place where she was lying. She was a long way down, and it was impossible for me to climb down anyway. The rescue people went down on ropes, and they brought her up in a harness. She wasn’t injured…she’d drowned before she was washed up on the rocks. I can’t remember everything that happened after that. But I can remember begging her to wake up. She was ice cold. I was holding her tightly, and I remember the incredible weight of her. I was kissing her, my mouth covered in sand, she was salty. I began to shake her, pleading with her not to die, not to leave me.”

Laura put her face in her hands, as she was suddenly swamped with grief. She took a deep breath and gazed into the leaping flames. “They had to drag me off her and restrain me, so they could put her into the ambulance. They treated me for shock and gave me something which knocked me out for a few hours. I stayed in hospital overnight. For a long time, I wished I’d died with her.”

Laura turned then and looked at Kate, who was sobbing. Kate came to her, and held her tightly.

“Oh Laura, I’m so sorry. I can’t bear to think what you 125

went through.” She kissed Laura’s face, her eyes, and her lips. Kate broke down in a flood of tears.

Laura kissed her. “Look how upset I’ve made you,” she said. “I’m sorry, baby. Don’t cry anymore, it’s over now.”

She wondered, as she kissed Kate’s wet face, soothing her, whether it would ever really be over for her.

A short time later, they were cuddled up together in her cozy bed. The fire was burning brightly in the grate, casting warm comforting flickering patterns on the walls. Kate held Laura close and stroked her hair, and soon Laura was fast asleep. Kate lay awake for a long time. Suddenly a lot of things made sense to her. She understood now why Laura was so reluctant to allow a relationship to develop between them. No wonder she was scared. Kate’s heart was bursting with love for Laura and as she held her in her arms, she decided that she would be patient. I have to make her really see how much I love her, Kate thought, let her see that she can trust me. She resolved to accept Laura’s conditions that they not see each other too much, without giving Laura a hard time about it. Kate then snuggled in against Laura’s warm body and decided it wouldn’t be long before she and Laura would be together, properly, forever. With a contented sigh, Kate fell asleep.

They returned to Melbourne late on Sunday afternoon, and it was decided that Kate would spend the night again with Laura. Kate decided she wanted to cook dinner for Laura, and they stopped off at the supermarket on the way home.

She cooked roast lamb with mint sauce and baked vegetables. It was good to see Laura on the other side of 126

the kitchen bench for a change, relaxing with a glass of wine while Kate did the cooking. Laura seemed to enjoy it immensely.

Over Amaretto and coffee, Laura suggested they should slow things down a bit in the coming week. “What about your friends, and all the other things you like to do?”

Kate, remembering her private pledge to be patient, bit her lip, and nodded in acquiescence.

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Chapter Twelve

During the busy afternoon on Wednesday, Laura was working at her desk, when her phone rang. She expected it would be Kate. They’d spoken on the phone each day, but they hadn’t seen each other since Monday morning, when they both left Laura’s apartment for work. Laura was looking forward to seeing Kate tonight.

Laura was completely taken aback to hear Kelly’s voice. She quickly collected her thoughts. “Oh, Kelly, umm…how was Cairns?” Laura replied.

“It was great. I thought maybe you’d like to see my allover tan,” said Kelly in her low seductive voice. “Maybe on Friday night?”

Laura’s mind worked rapidly. It wasn’t all that long ago that a conversation like this with Kelly would have had 129

her heart pounding with lustful anticipation. Now it was pounding with anxiety.

After a brief pause, Laura replied warmly, “Okay, Friday will be fine.”

That night with Kate, Laura felt decidedly uneasy. When Kate suggested that they get together on Friday night and spend the weekend together, Laura had to avert her eyes. She’d already told Kate she wasn’t free on Friday night. Without argument, Kate agreed to come around late on Saturday afternoon. Every time Laura looked into Kate’s eyes or held her and kissed her, she secretly resolved to ring Kelly and cancel their arrangement. But over and over she silently told herself this was the only way to keep herself in check. Later that night, when Kate was lying hot and naked in her arms, her breathing fast and shallow, her eyes worshipful, Laura felt her heart melt and she made love to Kate with more passion and tenderness than ever before. Laura couldn’t be satisfied enough that night, She couldn’t have enough of Kate. She couldn’t let her go.

“Vodka and tonic?” Tony asked Laura. It had been rather quiet for a Friday, and Laura lingered unnecessarily in the office.

“Yeah, a strong one please,” said Laura, as she sank into a comfortable leather chair in Tony’s office. She was in no hurry to go home; she wasn’t looking forward to tonight. She was quite happy about the idea of seeing Kelly and talking with her. Kelly could be very amusing, and she was sure Kelly would have some funny stories about her vacation. 130

And she still found Kelly very attractive. But her feelings for Kate and her guilt were rapidly dousing the flames of her lust for Kelly. This made her furious with herself. Why couldn’t she just relax and enjoy it all? Why did she have to make everything so hard for herself?

Tony handed her the drink, then ripped the top off a can of beer. “I didn’t tell you, did I?—about what happened the other day, when that snooty fashion client arrived for our presentation?”

Laura shook her head, and sipped her drink.

“Well, I thought she must be about due, so I headed

’round to reception. Just as I was about to turn the corner, I saw her standing in the doorway, her mouth hanging open and her eyes like saucers, gaping at Jodie.” Tony paused, and lit a cigarette. “She was typing or something and didn’t notice the client. Jodie had this huge fucking bubble coming out of her mouth. I reckon it was a personal best—nearly as big as her face!”

Laura laughed. “What did you do?”

Tony took a swig of his beer. “Shit, ’mate, I pissed off back ’round the corner.” Laura began laughing hysterically Tony dragged on his cigarette calmly. “I waited till I heard this huge fucking snap—the biggest one ever—then I came out and greeted the client, acting as if nothing had happened. I had to try to block her view of Jodie though, who was busy pulling the bloody stuff off her face.”

Tony had Laura in fits of laughter, and after a few more drinks, she was in a much better mood.

When she arrived home, she set about putting a meal together to share with Kelly. She made up her mind to relax and enjoy the evening, and the night to follow. Another vodka and tonic would help, she thought, and she sipped 131

this while she prepared a salad of warm poached chicken breast with tomatoes, black olives, capers, and fresh oregano, tossed together with a little lemon juice and olive oil. She opened a bottle of red wine and poured herself a glass, then selected some music. She wondered what Kate was doing tonight and poured another glass of wine.

She was feeling decidedly mellow by the time her door buzzer sounded. She greeted Kelly at the door with one of her smiles. Kelly looked fit and her tan looked great next to her blonde hair. She kissed Laura, a long sensual kiss. Laura was pleased to feel her body respond a little. When she eventually released Laura, Kelly said with a smile, “Seems like you started without me.”