Let the Old Dreams Die (28 page)

What Josef said couldn’t possibly be true, but the very fact that they were sitting here together on the jetty in the cold night air, with a dead body just a few metres away…this was the end of everything, wasn’t it? Nothing would ever be the same again, nothing would be the way she had thought it would be. At that point all responsibility fell from her shoulders and she was…free.

Josef’s hand on her knee.

‘Do you want to know?’

‘I want to know.’

Her voice was clear, composed. She was simply here, now.

Josef said, ‘This is what we’d decided. He came to the house. We drank a little whisky to…well, to celebrate. Then we went out to the perch reef, you know, south of Tjockö. The water’s only three or four metres deep there. I tied the anchor rope around him and he jumped in. We said…what did we say? Goodbye…see you again… thanks for this…thanks for the whisky.’

He snorted; it was almost a laugh.

‘The atmosphere was…funny. I suppose we were scared, both of us. Each in our own way. Then he said I should throw the anchor overboard; I asked if he was sure and he said, “No, but throw it in anyway.” So I did. He disappeared beneath the surface, the rope played out a few metres, and then I sat there. Looked at the lighthouse. Counted the flashes.’

He cleared his throat. Anna could see the pale backs of his hands as he ran them over his face, could hear the soft rasping of
stubble against his palms.

‘He was just below me. I could have pulled him up if I’d wanted to.’

‘But that wasn’t what he wanted,’ said Anna. ‘Was it?’

Josef’s voice had changed when he said, ‘After one minute, maybe. Eight flashes. Then the rope began to…play out.’

They sat there without saying anything for a long time. Eventually Anna said, ‘He was trying to pull himself up.’

‘Yes.’ Josef’s voice broke slightly as he added: ‘But I had plenty of rope. Thirty metres. And still…still he managed to use up the whole lot.’

Josef was weeping. Anna couldn’t bring herself to console him. She was cold inside, hard. The child in her stomach moved a hand or a foot, and it was as if it was happening to someone else.

‘What did you do?’

‘Nothing. Nothing. He couldn’t pull himself up. After a while it…went slack. I waited another minute. Then I pulled him up.’

Afterwards Anna found it difficult to grasp that she did what she did. It was even more difficult to understand why she felt excited while it was going on. As if they were engaged in some spine-tingling party game. Sitting around a ouija board or something. It was the only explanation she could come up with. The fact that the whole thing was unreal.

And that—
God forgive me
—she and Josef were doing something together again, were fellow conspirators in the name of love as they had always said they were in the days when everything was good between them.

They carried Kaxe up to the house. His clothes were dripping wet, and Anna found herself mopping up with a dishcloth while Josef laid out some black plastic sacks on which to lay the body.

It wasn’t until they were standing side by side with their arms folded contemplating their efforts that repudiation sank its claws into her.

‘Josef. We can’t do this. We have to call the police. Or something. Someone who can…’

Josef shook his head and crouched down next to the dead body. He said, ‘Show yourself.’

Anna’s eyes widened. He really had gone mad. The here-and-now feeling evaporated, replaced by a succession of days as a single mother, explaining to her child that Daddy’s in a place where they’re looking after him. Josef was totally focused on the dead body. She was alone. A lonely accessory to a crime.

Silent tears began to flow when Josef kicked the body and shouted, ‘I’m going to bury you, understand? You’ll never be able to come back if you don’t show yourself to her. She’s in this too, understand? I promise. I’ll burn you down on the rocks. Don’t you believe me? I’ll put you in the boat, pour petrol over you and…’

Anna stood there paralysed as Josef rained down curses on the corpse, threatening something that could no longer be threatened.

What…

Fluid began to trickle from one of the corpse’s hands.

Her lower jaw was trembling as she crouched down beside Josef.

From the gaps beneath the fingernails, fluid was running onto the floor. No, not running. Finding its way out. It didn’t spread across the floor like water, but curled into a stream that moved down towards the corpse’s feet, curved around them. A snake of water, the thickness of a forearm, continued to pour out from the fingers while its other end worked its way up towards the other hand.

It then split into a delta of five thinner streams that forced their way underneath the fingernails, while at the same time the flow from the other hand ceased.

Anna put her hand to her mouth, whimpering slightly while the water snake grew shorter and shorter as it disappeared back into the body. A few glittering droplets remained on the tips of the fingers, until they too disappeared. It had gone.

She no longer saw a person in front of her. She saw…a shell. A cold burrow where death lived. If the corpse’s belly had swollen up when death crept back into its lair, the picture would have been complete.

When the telephone rang she got up on stiff legs, went over and picked up the receiver. It was completely natural. An explanation would be forthcoming: some authority or power would inform them about the new situation. These days it used the telephone.

‘Hello, Anna speaking.’

Clattering, voices in the background.

‘Hi, it’s Gabriella. Just wanted to check that you got home OK, you seemed so…Is everything all right?’

Anna looked over at the blackness of the windowpane. Outside there was a mirror image of herself and the room in which she was standing. Behind her, Josef straightened up and went into the kitchen. The corpse was lying motionless on the plastic sacks, which looked like a black hole in the reflection, creating the illusion that the body was hovering in space. She reached out and touched the glass.

‘Hello, are you there?’

Anna nodded. A voice speaking in her ear. In front of her a shadow world. The voice said, ‘For fuck’s sake…Anna? Are you there?’

‘Yes. Yes, I’m here. Here I am.’

‘Is everything OK, you sound so…’

‘Everything’s fine.’

‘OK. Listen, that guy, the one with the dreads, he…’

Anna was no longer listening. Gabriella’s voice droned on in her ear, but Anna was caught up in the reflection. If she opened the window she would be able to step into that world, just like Alice in Wonderland. She moved her hand, waved. The other Anna waved. In the background Josef reappeared.

She turned around. Josef was holding one hand as if he had something in it. She couldn’t see what it was. With the other hand he gestured towards the phone, telling her to hang up.

Gabriella was still talking. Anna said, ‘Sorry, I haven’t got time right now. Talk to you soon,’ and hung up.

‘Who was that?’

‘Gabriella.’

‘What did she want?’

Anna dabbed at her lips with her fingers, said ‘I don’t know’, then moved her fingers in the direction of the corpse. ‘This…this… is very…is very…’

‘Overwhelming?’

‘No…it’s not that…’ Her voice sounded distant, as if she was talking to herself on the phone, long distance. ‘…I’d say, without… that this is absolutely…disgusting. This is absolutely disgusting. I think it’s absolutely disgusting. This.’

‘But do you believe me now?’

‘Yes. Yes. But the idea…the idea that I would want us to…Josef. There’s…there’s a snake inside him. In our house. Now.’

Josef shook his head.

‘It isn’t a snake anymore. It’s spread right through his body. As it did with me.’

‘Yes. But…’ The words just wouldn’t come to her. She sat down on the sofa, avoided looking at the corpse. ‘Don’t you think…this is disgusting?’

Josef sat down beside her. She could see now that the thing he was holding in his hand was a needle. He put his arm around her shoulders. Anna could hear the creaking of the boat against the jetty, the sea whispering outside the window. The sea. The snake’s home. All those times she had dived, swum in that sea.

She leaned against Josef. ‘We were happy as we were. Weren’t we?’

Josef nodded. ‘Yes. And we’re going to be happy. But I couldn’t just…once I knew about this…I…’

‘No. I understand.’ Anna thought for a moment. ‘I do understand. Yes, I do.’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes.’

Suddenly Josef fell on her. He burrowed his head in between her breasts. She stroked his head and looked up, gazing at the corpse lying on their living room floor. She understood. If you’ve survived once, you want to go on. Perhaps he couldn’t have done anything else. Perhaps she would have done the same thing. If she’d known.

Josef’s hair was damp and stuck to her fingers as she ran them through it. It was several years since the world outside the two of them had any significance. They had talked about this.

If I die, if I go crazy, what will you do?

I’ll die too, I’ll go crazy too.

That was what they had said, and they had said it as if they really meant it. Time to see if it was true.

She lifted Josef’s head between her hands.

‘So what do we do now?’

Josef blinked, wiped the tears from his eyes. ‘I…sorry, it’s just so…Anna, you know I…’

‘I know. What do we do now?’

Josef straightened up, sat close beside her on the sofa. ‘Don’t ask me how I know all this, I just…know.’ He held up the needle. ‘We have to give it a little blood. Then it will recognise us, and it will know that it’s not allowed to touch us. It’s like a…pact.’

They carried on talking. About what eternal life really meant. About whether they would cease to age, whether they might have to move from time to time in order to avoid arousing suspicion. About the fact that no one would believe them if they told their story.

When it came down to it, this was a risky enterprise. What
frightened them most was that they didn’t know on behalf of what or whom the creature might be acting.

In the end Anna said, ‘We either do it, or we forget about it.’

Josef took her hands. ‘Do you want to do it?’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then let’s do it.’

They got up from the sofa and approached the body. Perhaps it was her imagination, but Anna thought she could see small twitching movements, tics on its skin. Perhaps the creature was impatient to be set free, to return to its element.

They crouched down by the head and looked into each other’s eyes. Even though they had now reached the nub of the whole thing, Josef’s expression was calm. Perhaps because he no longer had to carry the entire burden of the decision. Anna felt numb, hypnotised. As if she really had stepped through the window and was now in the looking-glass world where the rules are different. Where the only transgression is to question.

Josef had warned her in advance: the creature could manipulate the dead body. On the way back in the boat it had used Kaxe’s voice to conduct a conversation. So there was nothing to be afraid of if it made some kind of movement. Anna didn’t think she would be afraid. She was beyond such things.

Josef held out the needle. ‘You or me first?’

Anna looked at the sliver of silver in his hand and giggled. A few lines flashed through her mind:
The junkies’ wedding: a shared needle,
and she said, ‘And we’re not even married.’

Josef smiled. ‘We will be now.’

‘Yes. You first.’

The muscles in his jaw tensed slightly. Then he stuck the needle into his right index finger. A bead of blood appeared. He pressed his finger until the bead was so big that it almost burst. Then he held his
finger to the corpse’s mouth.

Anna wasn’t quite as far gone as she had thought.

When Josef’s finger touched the dead mouth, the body raised its head and closed its lips around the finger.

She screamed. Josef jerked his finger away.

A flower of revulsion blossomed in her stomach as a bluish tongue emerged from the corpse’s mouth and licked the juice of life from its lips.

I’m not going to throw up I’m not going to throw up…

And she didn’t. Josef put his arm around her shoulders. His whole body was shaking, he was almost bouncing up and down. His voice was hoarse with excitement. ‘It’s done, it’s over…’

Anna shook herself free. She too was shaking, her teeth were chattering and the room was billowing violently as she dropped to her knees, searching for the needle.

Want to do it, going to do it, have to do it…

Because something else had happened, something beyond what the eye could see. At the moment when the creature licked the blood from its lips, a change had taken place in the room. Something shifted, and even though Josef was sitting beside her speaking in her own language, she was the only person here. There was no other way of describing it. Josef had become something else, even if he was still in human form.

The balance had been upset. Perhaps it was only in her head, but it was as if everything around her was protesting because death had been cheated. The corners of the room bent up towards the ceiling, the floor bellied.

The needle was lying next to Josef’s foot. As he kept gasping, ‘It’s happened, I can feel it, it’s in my whole body…’ she tried to pick it up. Her fingers groped their way over the round, shiny surface, and just as she got her nails underneath the needle and managed to lift it, she saw a movement from the corner of her eye.

She sat up with the needle in her hand. The corpse had turned its head towards her, and pale blue eyes were looking straight through her, straight into her. There was a rushing noise inside her head, like hundreds of seabirds taking off, and the crazy motion of the room almost made her lose her balance. She stabbed at her finger.

Nothing happened. She looked at her finger, at the needle. She had used the wrong end. When she tried to turn the needle around, it slipped out of her sweaty grasp.

‘You…’

A blast of rotting seaweed as the corpse’s mouth opened and uttered that one single word.