Let Me Love You (Love #4) (18 page)

“You see Mom,” I say through the tears, “the girl that looked back at me that night will never be the same.”

My mom’s there for me, wrapping her arms around me and giving me want I need, a shoulder to cry on. I lay my head down in my mom’s lap and just let all the pain, hurt, heartbreak, anger and sadness out. Mom runs her hands through my hair as we both cry for what feels like hours.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think I would be telling her this, but really it is exactly what I needed, someone else to hear me, to feel what I felt and be here for me for no other reason than to just be.

There’s something about reliving the past, but there’s also something about telling the past. I want to exhale the past and inhale the future and I know this was a start to that.

Spring training starts in a month and I’m not ready. I don’t give a fuck and this is the first time in all my life that I’m not excited to get back to baseball with the boys. I’m just not. My life feels like it’s on hold even though things around me are moving at record speed.

Eli and I settled on the building for our nightclub in Seaside four days ago.
Fierce
is due to open in a month which gives me enough time to help Eli with the construction and design work and also hire some employees.

We just signed off with the contractor who’s going to be painting the club at the end of next week. Thankfully the offices for Eli and I are already done so we are able to at least conduct interviews and work on setting up our accounts with different vendors for supplies.

This morning I posted a few ads up on Hcareers.com, Monster and CareerBuilder for the open job positions we have. Within minutes applications were already starting to pile in. I went through a few and sent the good ones over to Eli for his opinion.

At least we got that ball rolling.

That part of my life is rounding the bases. The other part is still stuck in the batter’s box.

I do the only thing I can think to do, which is work out to release my frustration.

I’m running along on the treadmill at the gym when Mason steps onto the one beside me. “Yo.”

I lift my chin in acknowledgment and keep pounding my feet against the belt and turn up the speed. Reaching for my iPhone, I make sure Mason notices that I’m not interested in talking, and turn on my music. I’ve barely spoken to my brother, or any of my family for that matter, since my falling out with Jaylinn. I don’t have anything to say. Why talk?

I get the daily phone calls from everyone wondering what I’ve been up to and how I’m doing. They’re all walking on eggshells around me and it’s driving me fucking nuts. Yes, it hurts like a bitch that Jaylinn and I are no longer speaking but this is what’s best for her. She’s done with me and is moving on, and it’s what I’m trying to do as well. At least that’s what I keep telling myself because if I’m honest I’m a fucking mess deep down inside. I’m a fucking liar if I think I’m even remotely okay with her moving on. I’m not. I’m pissed.

I wonder everyday what she’s up to, how she’s dealing with things. Nights are the worst for me. I got so used to falling asleep with her in my arms and now that she’s not there I can’t seem to sleep. Part of me wishes I had some kind of chemical dependency to help me sleep. I see the appeal of drugs now. They do offer some relief, don’t they? Hopefully with practice starting up I’ll be so exhausted that sleeping won’t be an issue anymore.

When Jaylinn has a nightmare it scares the hell out of me. I asked one time what she does when I’m out on the road, she said that she runs late at night until she’s exhausted and can barely function, and then passes out and sleeps straight through. I wonder if she just told me that for my benefit because now that I can’t sleep, I can’t imagine what she did. I wonder how her mom is coping with hearing what her daughter is dealing with. Jaylinn and her mom have always and will forever be close. It’s the kind of relationship that every parent should have with their kid. I wonder if Jaylinn will find the strength to talk to her mom, I think she needs to and I’ve told her that time and time again.

Mason waves a hand in front of my face. I pull my headphones out of my ears and slow the treadmill down. “What’s up?”

He lifts his head in the direction of the door; I turn my head to see Jaylinn walking in the door of the gym. I wonder what she’s doing here; this isn’t normally the gym she goes to. A small petite blonde with big green eyes, Layla, follows behind her and they are laughing at some guy in front of them.

I shake my head and grab for my towel to wipe the sweat away.

“Who is that?” Mason asks.

I shrug a shoulder, “Layla, she’s on Jaylinn’s team.”

Mason nods, “Who’s the dude?”

I shrug again, kind of pissed but appearing like I don’t really give a shit. “No clue.” I stop the treadmill and grab my water bottle and iPhone from the cup holder. I need to get the hell out of here, I was planning on doing a full workout but now that she’s here I’ve got to go. It hurts to see her, especially laughing and smiling.

I look back over my shoulder, allowing myself one more look. The guy that was with them kisses the top of Layla’s head. Thank God because I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself if it was Jay’s head he was kissing. I’d probably go over there a beat the shit out of him just because I’m in that kind of mood today.

Mason follows behind me towards the locker room. “Kenz was asking about you last night.” Mason chuckles. “She’s pretty pissed off at you.” Of course Mason would find that funny.
Stupid fucker.
“She said that she’s only seen you at the hospital and that’s it.”

I feel like a dick because I’ve been avoiding everyone, not wanting to deal with what’s going on, and I sure as hell didn’t want to deal with my hormonal sister. MacKenzie has called and left at least two crying voicemails saying how much she misses me. She should be too busy with her family to be worried about me and my shit.

“Yeah, I figured I’d be on her shit list.” I sigh, knowing what I need to do. “I’ll stop by on my way home.”

Mason pats me on my shoulder, “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks asshole.” I mutter under my breath.

I pull up in the driveway behind Hunter’s truck and take a second to collect my thoughts on what I’m going to say to my sister when she starts questioning me about Jaylinn. This is where I wish for that chemical dependency again. If I was on drugs, well then maybe I’d be able to lie about everything. Or at least not feel this pain.

Not knowing what to do, I rest my head against the steering wheel, I’m so tired and yet I still can’t fall asleep.

Tapping on the window startles me. I look over and MacKenzie is standing outside my window with her hands on her hips, looking pissed. I pull the keys out of the ignition and open the door.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” MacKenzie asks the second the door is open.

“Hey Kenz, I missed you too.” I say rolling my eyes.

She pushes my shoulder with quick jab. “I’ve been calling and texting you for a week now. What the hell Coop?”

I tuck my hands in my pockets and rock back and forth on my feet. She isn’t pulling any punches here; she’s gone right for the kill. “I know and I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy with trying to get the club up and running before I leave for training.” It’s not all a lie. It’s mostly true so I don’t feel so bad about saying it. She doesn’t need to know the truth. “I barely have time to eat some nights.”

She doesn’t buy my lie at all.

“Stop bullshitting me, Cooper.” She reprimands me. “I know you had a fight with Jaylinn.”

I hang my head, “Yeah, we had a falling out but I really am busy with the club.”

Her teeth start to clatter from the cold. “Are you staying?”

“Of course, I miss my buddy, Chaos.”

She glares at me and cuts me off before I’m able to finish. “What about the rest of us, your baby niece, are we just chop liver now?”

I throw my arm around her shoulder and head inside. “I wasn’t finished.” I say, leaning into her. “You know I miss you all.”

When we step into the house, I remove my jacket and see Hunter standing there with baby Olivia wrapped in a new cozy pink blanket.

I smile at him, giving a nod at my sister. “Has she always been this feisty?” I ask Hunter.

I rub my hands together, warming them up before taking the baby from Hunter. “Only when her brother seems to ignore her,” Hunter says with a chuckle.

Well at least he doesn’t want to kill me for the shit that went down with
his
sister.

I’ll admit I miss everyone, it feels good even though I know it’s only a short lived feeling.

Ryder is getting so big, my niece is adorable, and my sister and Hunter are in bliss with their little family.

Hunter takes Ryder upstairs and puts him down for a nap, leaving my sister and Olivia in the living room. It’s then that I know exactly what’s coming. The interrogation.

“So,” MacKenzie says.

I lay my head back against the couch, playing dumb. “So.”

“You going to tell me what happened between you and Jay?” Olivia fusses a little before quieting down again. “Last we all knew, things were getting pretty hot on New Year’s and you two went home instead of coming here.” MacKenzie clears her throat. “Sadie was going to spend the night but forgot her bag so Hunter went over to his mom’s to grab it for her. He came back and he was pissed but wouldn’t tell us why.”

See, why didn’t I think of her hiding at her mom’s?

Probably because I was talking to a tequila bottle all night.

She must have pulled her car into the garage so I wouldn’t think she was there. It also explains why Hunter sent me that text message that night.

Knowing she’s waiting for an answer, I scrub my hands up and down my face. “We got into a fight.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to tell me?” MacKenzie huffs. “Such a guy’s response.”

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, “She wanted something I wasn’t ready for, Kenz. I guess she finally got tired of waiting.”

“No matter how strong a girl is, Cooper, she always has a breaking point.” MacKenzie tells me, having no idea how true her words are.

After a few quiet moments I say, “And she reached hers. She’s better off without me anyway.” It pains me to say it, but it’s true, in a fucked up kind of way.

MacKenzie laughs, clearly not believing me. “You really don’t believe that do you? That girl loves you, Cooper, and no matter what your fight was about, she isn’t going to fall
out
of love with you anytime soon.”

I feel myself slipping and wanting to just crawl in a hole and be left alone. I want that chemical dependency. I want it because I don’t want the dependency I have right now.

I know Jay loves me, I love her just as much if not more, but the past doesn’t change; people just learn how to get past it.

Inhale your future.

Exhale your past.

I absentmindedly grab for Jaylinn’s ring that is now on a chain I wear around my neck, and hold on to it with everything I have.

It’s been almost two months since Cooper and I split. I’ve been avoiding him at all cost. I always make sure he isn’t going to be at Hunter’s or Hailey’s before I stop over for a visit. I stay away from family functions and yes, I get a lot of shit for it but I just can’t handle seeing Cooper. Even though it’s been a little while it still hurts like it was just yesterday that it happened. I miss him, his smile, his eyes, his laugh, I just miss him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to run back over to his house and tell him the hell with everything and I’ll take what I can get. I know that by doing that we would never be able to move forward, we’d be stuck on the same cycle.