Let Me Go (21 page)

“A dove, man?” Jed asks me for the fifth time.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not sure. You aren’t the dove kind of guy.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Figure you’re the kind of guy that likes his past.”

I tilt my head and stare at the guy who has painted most of my body.

“Just do it.”

Paige excuses herself and as soon as she escapes through the curtain, I don’t have to wait three seconds before Jed hammers me with a question about her.

“Who is she?” His head nods to where she just left.

“Roommate.”

“What happened to Dex and Chrissy?” He mounts the transparency over Jessa’s lips and a feeling of loss hits me square in the gut.

I remember the day Jessa pressed her lips on the black ink pad and then on my arm. I was trying to save a relationship that neither of us wanted. I grasped for any hope that I could live life normally again. My heart wasn’t invested, and she saw through it. Grant gives her everything I couldn’t.

Paige is different though, she’s fighting for me and it feels like the first time I rode on the tallest roller coaster, The Magnum, at Cedar Point when I was ten. How I sat down in the seat staring up at the big hill thinking how on Earth will I gain enough balls for my friends not to laugh at me? Will I grip the bar, or raise my hands? Then after that gut-checking first hill, it was smooth sailing. The faster the car went, the more I laughed and screamed. I was hooked, but for some reason, that first hill still scares me shitless. Paige scares me shitless. Damn, she’s the first girl to make me want to gamble for a different life.

Jed waves his hand in front of my face and I blink, stopping my rambling of thoughts.

“Them too, but we brought Paige in to save money.” I watch him place the inks down and get the gun ready to cover up a mistake I should have never gotten.

“You really tapping it?”

“No.”

“So, she’s fair game?” He places his black gloves on, snapping them at the wrist.

“No.”

He arches an eyebrow to me. “Then I suggest you claim her quick. Girls like that don’t last on the open market.” The gun buzzes and I straighten my arm as he brings the silver vibration to me.

“She isn’t some cow ready to be taken to the highest bidder.” A devilish smirk crosses his lips.

“Like I said, don’t take too long.” I’m not a moron. I understand what he thinks he sees, and his advice, but I don’t need his damn opinion on how fucked up I am.

“Quit being my therapist and give me the damn tattoo.”

He chuckles loudly and then a mask of concentration encompasses his face. He focuses on my arm, precise as always on my permanent ink.

Jed is seconds from being done by the time Paige returns and gently props herself up on the bench. “Where have you been?” I ask her and try not to pry at the folded piece of paper she’s hiding in her hand.

“Just looking,” she sing-songs while concentrating on Jed’s movements across my arm. “A dove. How very hopeful of you.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Just that maybe you’ll make peace faster than you think.” Jed pauses a moment, going back for more ink, and then slyly widens his eyes in my direction.

“Doesn’t mean things would change.” I have to squeeze her out of my senses, why won’t she just allow me to keep her at arm’s length? Rage begins to brew that she won’t accept that my tainted past haunts me too much to focus on my present.

“All done man.” Jed takes a cloth and wipes down the dove that now sits on the edge of the guitar on my arm. “It’s a damn good cover job if you ask me.” He wraps up my arm in the gauze and then I jump down.

“That’s why I only allow you to scar my precious skin.” I chuckle and slap his back. When I spin around, Paige is perched where I sat and she hands Jed a piece of paper.

“The girl outside said you should be able to squeeze me in.”

“She did, did she?” He peruses the piece of paper and then peers back up to her. “Where you want it?”

She scoots off the bench and begins unbuttoning her pants.

“Whoa!” I step in front of her, my hand stopping hers. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Getting a tattoo. Excuse me.” She sidesteps me and starts to slide the zipper down.

“Paige,” I warn, earning me a glare like no other.

“I’m fairly sure you don’t rule my decisions.”

“If you want this done, I’ll get Violet, but the hell if you’re going to drop your pants in front of Jed.” I block any view of her to Jed who’s humorously laughing behind me.

“You said Jed is the best.” She peers over my shoulder. “I’m sure you’ve had a lot of girls get it in discrete places?” she asks, and I don’t turn around to see the smile I know is splashed across Jed’s face.

“Not a girl Rob wants, but yeah.” I flip around and he’s crossing his arms over his chest enjoying the show we’re giving him.

“Shut the fuck up,” I yell at him and then focus back on Paige. “Don’t do this. I’ll pay for your tattoo if you allow Violet to do it.”

“Why can’t Jed do it?” She purposely leaves her pants open and sticks her hands in her back pockets. I reach down to button them back up.

“Just don’t.” I wish I could scream that I want her to be mine. I wish she could be my one and only, but I’ve come too close before and it all came crashing down in front of me. I’m not ready to post a vacant sign on top of my heart in this moment, but the thought of her with someone else feels like acid going down my throat.

She seethes through her teeth. “I’m growing tired of this, Rob.” She reaches down and zips up her pants.
Thank God.
“Thanks, Jed.” She tosses over her shoulder and disappears through the curtain.

“Come back without asshole and I’ll do it for you,” Jed calls out and I turn around shooting him a death glare along with the finger.

“Fuck off, Jed.”

By the time I pay for my tattoo and get back to my car outside, Paige is nowhere to be found. As my eyes scan the surroundings, I find her resting along the brick wall, her head in her hands.

I slowly approach, careful not to alarm her. When I lean over her, blocking the streetlight from shining down on her angelic face, I watch her shoulders deflate. “Paige,” I sigh, but a she only stands up and passes me.

The streets are crawling with a few college students loitering in the streets probably hoping to get a tat tonight. None of them seem overly concerned about us.

“You’re an asshole.” She shoves me in the chest with both of her hands and I fly backward until I can catch my footing.

“I know.” Why even fight her on it?

“Why?” Her voice raises.

“Let’s just go home.” I’m surprised how even my voice sounds. She has no idea how much I want to dig my heart out, throw it in her hands and beg her to accept it. But, it’s too scary, too terrifying to trust another person.

“No.” She steadily trudges down the street, away from me and my heart clenches watching her go.

“Paige.” I jog a few steps and lightly grasp her elbow.

She flips around and throws her arm out of my grip. “Don’t touch me.”

Anger pours from her eyes and I back step from her, unsure of how to handle this.

“Listen, alright?”

She crosses her arms across her chest, her eyes fixed on mine. Why is she even listening to me? Why does she give a shit about an asshole like me that will grab her heart and crush it without thinking of the consequences?

“Well?” She impatiently shifts her feet and my story catches in my throat, afraid that she’ll trample me on her way out the door.

“There was . . .” I clear my throat and I see her stance loosen slightly, noticing how tense I’ve instantly become. I scan the streets and she does the same. “An accident.” I finish the words that I’ve learned from therapy to say without a tremble in my voice.

“Okay.”

I take a deep breath and divert my gaze away from her eyes that reveal all her built up feelings that I’ve selfishly focused on the last few months. The same passion I have for her that’s making me tell her my worst moment. “My girlfriend—”

I turn away from her, unable to see her icy eyes after I tell her. “Shit,” I mumble and her hands land on my shoulders and her body presses against my back. God, her warmth is like a blanket over my heart. A necessity that I’ve gone without for too long.

“It’s okay; you don’t have to tell me anymore.” My eyes close relishing her arms moving down to wrap around my waist.

My hands instinctively cover hers and she squeezes my body into her smaller frame. I imagine her cheek on my back, listening to my rapid heartbeat. She may misconstrue that the fast pace is from fear of my secret, but it’s her that makes my pulse quicken.

Turning around in her arms, my hands cradle her cheeks. “You’re so damn gorgeous. You’re caring, your heart is so big, you’re amazing, but you’re also everything I shouldn’t take.”

“Take me,” she demands, and without thinking twice this time, my lips crash to hers, my tongue diving into her mouth. Unable to restrain myself from taking what I’ve wanted for the past few months. She releases a moan into my mouth and I back step us to the brick wall, pressing her against it. “Take me home,” she whispers as my lips cascade down her neck. When I don’t move she grabs my face with her hands, turning it up to her. “I’m not asking, Rob, I’m telling you. If you want me, take me home.” The smoldering lust pouring out of her eyes is enough to convince me to take this step with her.

I pause, staring at her because if we do this, I can’t ditch her after one night. She’ll never be enough to fulfill my needs only once, I have to be committed to trying . . . trying to make whatever this is work. I glance up at the star filled sky, wishing for a sign. Maybe another shooting star so I could make a wish that would hopefully come true like that night when I was fourteen. But none of the bright lights zing across the sky, instead I have to search inside of myself for something that I’ve never been good at—trust.

WE BARELY BREAK
apart from one another to climb out of the car. I swear Rob almost rear ended about ten cars on our way home. I tried to persuade some tongue diving, but he kept telling me we had to wait. My desire increases with every second that goes on where he doesn’t fight this mutual attraction. Every inch he releases to me grows my want a foot more for him.

Being eager to have his hands or lips on me again, I rush to the other side of the car where he slams my back across the hot hood, while his hands pin mine to the sides of my head. I arch my back off the hot hood from the engine and he takes the opportunity to dip down, nipping at my breasts through my shirt and bra.

My breath leaks out in labored pants as he releases his hold. Needing to touch him, to have him closer, I weave my fingers through his black spiky hair until they land on the base of his neck and I tug him toward me. His lips dip down and I mold my mouth to his with a frantic need that’s new for me. “Get me upstairs.”

He tears away from me and for a moment I contemplate the fear whirling in his eyes, but as quickly as his apprehension appears, it vanishes. His hands slowly move down the sides of my ribs causing my back to arch from the rush of shivers following his touch. When he grips my ass, pushes up and I jump into his waiting arms without ever breaking our kiss. It’s sloppy, wet, and uncontrolled, but it matches what we’ve been feeling these past months. How much we’ve denied our bodies their desire comes out in a raw and frantic nature.

Magically, Rob’s able to place his key in the lock and pushes us through the serenity of a vacant house, free of any witnesses. He whisks us through the kitchen, past the family room, up the stairs and when we break at the landing, I slide down his body. “Whose room?” he asks through labored breaths.

“Pick one,” I answer, trying to catch my own breath from our marathon lip lock through the house. My hand dips down to rub him through his jeans and he sucks in a sharp breath.

“Mine’s closer.” He grabs my hand and pulls me through the entryway of his room, shutting the door behind us. My heart races with the expectation of him going crazy and ripping my clothes off, but he doesn’t. “Undress for me.” He casually sits on the bed, watching me as my eyes drift around his room. In the past months, I’ve only caught glimpses of his private, serene place other than the night I tucked Matty into Rob’s bed. He’s neat and I notice the mess of guitar pics scattered around every surface. “Paige.”