Let Me Go (15 page)

“You know when baby number two comes, there isn’t going to be a ‘your turn-my turn’ debate, right?” Trey points to her stomach and I follow his finger in awe.

Jessa must notice my agape mouth. “Yes, he knocked me up again,” she jokes, massaging her nonexistent belly.

When I look at Grant, he just mouths
love you
to her and she shakes her head, clearly happy to be carrying his second child.

“Whoa, I suddenly feel like an underachiever around here.” Rob speaks up.

“You have a pseudo,” Kailey offers pointing to a passed out Matty on the couch.

I stand up to retrieve him. “He’s my pseudo. Rob’s just the babysitter.” I scoff and he follows me over to Matty. “I think it’s time I get him to bed.” I struggle to get my arms under his and he fights me in his asleep.

“I’ll carry him.” Rob’s hand brushes against my stomach, scooting me out of the way. With ease he hoists Matty up in his arms and begins walking to the door. “Thanks guys, it’s been fun.”

“I’ll walk you out.” Trey stands up and Kailey waves.

“Bye, you two. Hey, Rob, we’re always searching for great babysitters. So, if Paige ever frees you, come on over.” The whole table laughs and Rob stops and I bump into his back.

“If I’m lucky, Paige and I can act out seducing the babysitter when we get home.” My voice gets caught in my throat and everyone laughs harder.

Pushing him with my hands on his back, he steps forward. “Would you accept that as form of payment?”

He spins around to face me, luckily Matty separates us. “I accept many forms of payment, and you can pay in advance if you’d like.” With a wink of his eye, I literally become wet.
Where is that stand-up girl from only hours before?

“Let’s just go home.” After the phrase leaves my lips, the words resonate in me. Trey smirks and I assume he’s thinking the same thing I am.

A few minutes later, Matty’s strapped in the back and we’re weaving through the dark streets of their neighborhood. “You can just drop me off at my car. I’ll take Matty,” I comment, my whole body facing the door.

“That’s ridiculous. I’ll drop you off in the morning before work.”

“No, you get up early. God knows when my mom will return.” I fight him, trying to somehow act like an independent woman that needs nothing from him.

“It’s fine. We’ll handle it. I’m not sure what’s wrong with you.” My head whips around and I glare at the side of his face.

“What exactly are you looking for from me?” I’m exhausted with his flirtatious acts to only drawback when I advance.

“Isn’t it friendship?” He lets out an empty laugh. Throwing my own words back to me.

“Listen.” I check on Matty in the backseat to assure he’s still asleep. “I’m not going to be your fuck buddy, so let it go. I want to be here as a friend to you, but maybe . . .” I trail off, embarrassed to convey the sparks between us. That maybe there’s something more, something long lasting.

He allows my words to disappear, not asking questions or adding another. Nonverbally giving me his answer that he’s not on the same wavelength as me. “Paige.” My name sounds so good coming from his mouth, but the rejection is clear before he responds. He drives up the driveway, never going back to grab my car.

He parks his car outside the garage and keeps it running, signaling he’ll be leaving Matty and me here. Twisting in his seat, his hand reaches for mine and I don’t pull away. Welcoming the warmth of his hands. “I wish I was different. That I was like my friends who believe in the fairytale, but I’m not. As much as I do want you, I’m not going to jeopardize someone else’s happiness for my own.”

“Rob,” I begin to speak and his finger lands on my lips to silence me.

His eyes are dark and intense as they swim with mine. “I’m sorry for the mixed signals and I’m going to be honest with you. I want to grab you, throw you over my shoulder and carry you up to my room. I want those long legs wrapped around me for hours while I cherish every inch of your body over and over again. Making you gasp for air as you scream my name. But, I won’t because you’re already too invested. So, I’m going to be the best Goddamn friend you’ve ever had and let you go.”

The truthful words mute me and I sit there, with closed eyes wondering how in such a short time it got here. That our non-existent relationship has already been doused in water before it ever ignited. It all makes me rethink that the whole friends with benefits option I declined weeks ago.

“Then tell me.” I press the issue, wanting to know what happened to him. He retracts his hand, placing them both on the steering wheel.

“Do you need help getting Matty in the house?” He stares out the window and I’ve lost him already.

“Rob, who is Carly?” His head flips around, blue eyes of steel boring into me. Then he focuses forward again, his thumb weaving along the steering wheel.

“Get out, Paige.” His words are cold and sharp.

“Let me be a friend to you.” I go to place my hand on his thigh, but he jerks it out of my reach.

Not wanting to impel too hard, I exit the car. I push the front seat up and retrieve Matty, My throat constricts when Rob never glances our way. The second my door shuts and I’m a step away, he throws the car in reverse and his loud muffler roars down the street. “Well, that didn’t go very well,” I mumble to myself and Matty stirs in my arms.

“Mommy?” he murmurs and I place my hand on his blond hair.

“No baby, it’s Paige.”

His head picks up and thankfully I can place him back down to get my keys and open the door. Once we are secure in the house, he searches around the kitchen and then up to me. “Where’s Rob?” he asks and I shrug, the tears welling up in my eyes about to break.

“He had to go out. Why don’t we have a bath and then get ready for bed? We can watch a movie together.”

“YAY!” He jumps up and down. Amazing the energy he has after being knocked out for a half hour. “I wish Rob would have stayed. We could have all watched it together.” Matty’s pouting because of Rob shouldn’t surprise me. His own dad isn’t much of a presence in his life. Even though Rob is a complete douche, he did win Matty over easily.

I ruffle his hair and wait for him to look up at me. “Maybe next time, okay?” He nods his head, but the hurt isn’t hard to miss. People have always left Matty behind and I fear he’ll end up like Rob one day. So closed off from anyone, he won’t enjoy life.

“FUCK.” MY HAND
slams into the steering wheel and my Mustang zigzags in the lane. The gas can’t hit the engine fast enough right now. Even if the drag strip was open tonight, it would do me no good. I need a long stretch of road to pour my frustrations out on. Isn’t this the reason I started to race again, for the shit in my head to disappear? To put the nightmares I can’t control to rest. Allow everything I lost all those years ago to vanish, making it only the car and me in the next lane. The adrenaline, the competition, and the win have been my remedy.

Having nowhere to disappear to, I drive aimlessly through Western. At least there aren’t haunted memories of Carly and me here. No flicker bombs that uproot the vision of her red hair or freckled cheeks. Nothing triggering what we had, and the nightmare on that dark road. The last twenty-four hours, my mind has been a fucking twister, swirling around my old shit with new shit. Carly and Paige fiercely fighting over dominance in my head. Well, not Carly, she couldn’t give a fuck about me, but my own brick wall will never fully break down to allow Paige in. For that I do blame Carly, not myself.

When Paige asked me to open up to her tonight—to allow her in, God, I wanted to. For some reason, I want her to understand why I’m unable to just flop it all down on the table for her to sort through. She’ll try to fix me, but all I want is for her to understand that I’m damaged. The settled-down life with a house and kids she witnessed tonight with my friends will never be me. Growing up, I assumed one day, I’d have kids, a wife, and a house—with Carly. My perfectly paved life path I was born on took a sharp turn that night down a very rough and bumpy uncharted trail. I may stop on the main highway now and then, but I will always return to my own isolated path.

She doesn’t make it easy to ignore my yearning for love. She’s the first girl since Jessa that propels me to crave more than a fuck. The first girl ever, whose arms around me sounds a hell of a lot better than her pussy. That’s exactly why I’ll remain her friend, but it stops there. It can’t go any further and keeping it at friendship level may test me to my limits, but I’ll make it happen—for her.

I stop outside The Loft, sitting in the driver’s seat, staring at the few young kids going in and out of the bar. Drowning my sorrows in Yeager or Jack doesn’t feel right tonight, so I lodge the keys back into the ignition and drive away. When I hit the campus drive and the historical buildings, my heart pounds against my chest. If I’m honest with myself, which I hardly am, the urge to finish my degree is tempting. The garage is getting old, and I’m fairly certain a music career isn’t for me unless I want to be a statistic and die before I reach thirty. Krypto’s tour proved one thing—the demons are everywhere and only terrorize me the more I drink.

I park the Mustang outside Hammel Hall and climb out. Staring up at the building that proved the demise of my college years, I could turn my fist to myself for how immature I was that day Professor Bridges called me out right in the middle of class for not knowing my shit. My cocky self-created a dramatic scene and scuffed out of the class, leaving my books behind. Brady fought me on it, trying to reason with me to push my ego aside and stay in school. But I wasn’t about to grovel down to the same professor that pulled me aside my freshman year, spouting how great my future would be and how intelligent I was. Little did he know, my future was plowed well before I came to Western.

The stars scatter along the dark sky; I wish a shooting star would fly across the sky and I could make a wish to be released from the boulder strapped on my back. Paige has been a wicked storm, uplifting my life in every facet. I’m not sure I’ll land on my feet when she’s done with me. But as long as that double layer brick wall remains, Paige’s chipping will never break through.

A dim light through a classroom window lights up the red brick building and I inch closer. Seeing the auditorium, with lines of chairs and a podium for the instructor to teach their students teases me. A pang of jealousy ignites inside me of the students who will graduate and move on to their future. Everyone that weaves through the sidewalks of this campus every day is moving forward and I’m stalled. Due to my own idiotism. It took Brady two months to convince me to go back to school, but my dad pulled his stunt and my mom fell into a depression. The Krypto tour was a reprieve from the responsibility of taking care of her once she threw me out of her house. Maybe I should take the money from my dad, enroll back in school, and build a future for myself.

Just then my phone dings in my pocket. Paige’s name lights up and I wonder why she’d be calling me. I want to answer and scream to leave my past alone. That I’m a grown man and can take care of my shit myself. When I slide the bar over, all I hear is labored breathing on the other end of the line. She doesn’t say a word and I know instantly that something isn’t right.

“Paige!” I scream and I hear a whimper on the other end, but nothing else.

“No!” Matty yells and then a man’s voice shouts behind him.

“Go upstairs, Matty, this is between me and Paige.”

“You’re hurting me, Carl. Please stop.” My heart calms when I hear Paige, but when her words register, I go into panic mode.

I run to my car, leaving my phone to my ear the entire time. I fumble with my keys, to get them into the ignition. Once I start the car, I peel out of the lot, my foot slams on the gas and the car’s back tires lose traction on the gravel. My hands shake has I try to keep control of the car. The image of a man’s hands on Paige takes over any line of thinking and my heartbeat matches the speed of the car. Clicking over to another line, I dial up Brady.

“What’s up?” A sense of relief arises when he answers on the first ring.

“Get over to my house right now.”