Let Me Be The One (42 page)

"You snort exactly like her."

"Your mother never made a sound such as that in her life. Unladylike."

Elizabeth snorted.

The colonel chuckled appreciatively. "Tell me, your father and Isabel... how do they fare?"

"All well."

"And young Selden?"

"Well also." Elizabeth gave him an account of her wedding trip to Rosemont, some of which she had written in previous letters. She knew that North had also corresponded with him, but she recognized the colonel's interest was genuine and answering him helped put her at her ease. She finally sat down, perching on the edge of her chair at first, then gradually sliding backward, pressing herself more deeply into the smooth, aromatic leather upholstery.

"Would you like a glass of Madeira?" Blackwood asked when Elizabeth finished. "I know where West keeps it."

"Nothing, thank you. May I get it for you?"

"No."

Elizabeth learned quickly that the colonel was not refusing libation, only her help. It required some effort for him to push his chair to the sideboard, but it was accomplished without her assistance. It was only when he had poured his drink that he realized he could not easily return without spilling it. Not permitting him to refuse her, Elizabeth got up and pushed the chair back. "So you will not ruin your fine cravat," she said."South would tease you mercilessly."

The colonel smiled. "He would." He sipped his wine. "So what is it that has prompted this tete-a-tete?"

"The question is beneath you, sir."

"Ah. Then it is our last correspondence that you wish to discuss."

"You answered none of my questions."

"I will not answer them now, Elizabeth."

To be turned down so out of hand took her breath away. She felt herself flush with embarrassment. "I... I do not understand."

"Don't you?"

Her fingers tightened on the curved arms of her chair. "No, I don't. Why can you not tell me if you are directing Northam to apprehend the Gentleman Thief?"

The colonel remained silent.

"You order all of them about," Elizabeth persisted. "The Compass Club. You are their commander."

"Elizabeth," he said calmly, "nothing can come of this discussion."

"But you do not deny it."

"I give no credence to it."

Elizabeth stood. Without conscious thought, she approached the colonel's chair and knelt beside it. She stopped his immediate protest by placing both palms on his forearm. "Look at me now," she said quietly. It was both a directive and a plea. "Tell him to stop.
Make
him stop. I know it is within your influence to do so."

Blackwood held Elizabeth's eyes for a long moment. She would not look away; neither would she allow him to look in. "If I could do it, Elizabeth,
why
should I do it?"

"Because I have never asked any favor of you."

He raised an eyebrow. "I can bring a score of people in here within the hour who have never requested a boon from me. Shall I then grant whatever favor they ask?"

"But you care for me."

"I love you."

Elizabeth felt the instantaneous welling of tears. Her hands tightened on his arm. "Then will you not do this thing to please me?"

"No."

"Then to make me happy?"

His small smile was gentle. "Will it, Elizabeth? Will stopping North make you happy?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Elizabeth opened her mouth to answer and no sound came out. She closed it slowly, coming to her feet a moment later. Her height presented no advantage. The colonel's question had set her completely adrift. Knowing it was an inadequate response but having no other at the ready, Elizabeth said, "He is my husband."

"So he is."

"I want no harm to come to him."

"Harm? Do you imagine the Gentlemen Thief could make you a widow?"

"Yes... no. You are missing the point. It is only that he could be hurt. He is very brave, you know. Dedicated and loyal. He admires you greatly, and he will follow your lead because he believes you are in the right of things."

Blackwood raised one hand and rested his chin on his knuckles. "I know what North is and why he does what he does. I am much less certain of you, Elizabeth. By my reckoning it's been a little more than six years that I've been left to wonder at your character. You made a tour of the Continent then, remember? With Isabel and your father. I expected to hear so much of your adventure... your impressions... descriptions... all of it with your fresh eye. You wrote very little during that time. Even less later. Selden was born in Italy, was he not? I recall one correspondence about your fears for Isabel's health, your concern that she would not survive childbirth as your dear mother had not. You were so frightened that you would lose her. Rosemont was distant, wrestling with his own fears for his wife. You could not turn to him, and Isabel only reassured you that everything would be fine—a platitude you could not accept because you knew its falseness. You came to me then, dear Elizabeth, with what was in your heart. Can you not do the same now?"

Elizabeth actually took a step backward. Nothing at the beginning of the colonel's speech prepared her for the end. She stared at him, her hands falling to her sides as hurt was quickly suppressed by anger. "I have come to you, Colonel, and you have rejected me. As for what is in my heart, I showed it to you and you will not believe."

Blackwood frowned. "But you have shown me nothing."

"Then I have shown you everything." Without waiting for a reply, Elizabeth fled the room.

* * *

Liar.
Elizabeth flung the word at herself and it stung. She had lied. Another lie. Another bead on a string of lies.
Liar.
There was no other word more accurately descriptive of what she had become. And now she was lying to herself.
Then I have shown you everything.
She had meant, of course, that she had nothing in her heart to share with anyone. In the moment it took to say the words Elizabeth knew she had been most sincere. It was only in the aftermath, in hearing them for the first time, that she finally understood something had changed and what it was was inside her.

Elizabeth did not return to the drawing room with North and the other guests, and nothing could induce her to face the colonel and admit her lie. She walked to the rear of the house, ignoring the disapproving clucks from the cook and her helper, and kept on walking until she was outside on the small back stoop.

It was too chilly to be out for long without a coat, yet Elizabeth had no proper sense of the elements. She leaned back against the cold brick and closed her eyes, unaware that the wind whipped her gown about her legs or that icy shards of rain lashed her bare arms.

Did it matter how or when it happened? she wondered. Or was the fact of it all that was important? She loved him. Loved North. She loved Brendan David Hampton, sixth Earl of Northam.

The revelation was not welcome. It did nothing to improve her mood or lighten her heart. Just the opposite was true, in fact. This knowledge was an immense burden to her and the source of her immediate panic. Her chest hurt and it was difficult to draw a full breath.

None of it was how she had experienced love the first time it came to her, but then circumstances had changed.
She
had changed. Elizabeth was afraid of the very thing she had once embraced so completely.

"Elizabeth?"

She heard the voice as if from a great distance. It swirled in her head, not quite making sense to her. She did not recognize her own name or the fact she was being spoken to. Without opening her eyes, Elizabeth tried to raise one hand to ward off the intrusion.

"Elizabeth!"

Her knees started to fold. The back of her gown was snagged by the bricks as she began to slide against them.

Darkness pressed on her from all sides. Falling into it seemed the only sensible thing to do.

* * *

North sat beside Elizabeth on the chaise longue in West's rear parlor. He tapped her cheeks lightly and pushed aside a damp lock of hair that had fallen across her forehead.

"Shall I send someone for a physician?" the colonel asked from the doorway.

"No. She has only fainted." North glanced at Blackwood. It would have been difficult to miss the colonel's concern. Every line in his face was deeply etched now and he looked considerably older than he had a single hour ago. "Will you leave us?" he asked. "And please tell no one. Elizabeth would not like to call so much attention to herself."

The colonel nodded and began to back out of the room. He stopped, a thought occurring to him. "Is she going to have a child?"

North kept his eyes on Elizabeth's pale face. He collected himself before he answered, not wanting to give voice to the bitterness that welled inside him. "No, sir," he said. "There is no need to concern yourself on that account." He felt Blackwood's pause and knew his reply had not been as neutral as he might have wished. Hardly aware he was holding his breath, he waited for the colonel to close the door. The quiet click prompted Northam to draw air again.

Brushing Elizabeth's chin lightly with his knuckles, North repeated her name. This time he felt the first stirrings of a response. A moment later her dark lashes fluttered open. The centers of her eyes were wide and unfocused. She did not seem to recognize him or have a sense of her own situation. Her brow puckered and the corners of her mouth turned down ever so slightly.

"You fainted," said North, withdrawing his hand from her face. "You were outside. Do you remember?"

Elizabeth's nod was uncertain. She had never fainted before, and the memory was not entirely clear.

"I am persuaded your private meeting with the colonel did not go as you would have liked."

North's words brought it all back to her and waves of embarrassment flushed her cheeks. She started to sit up, but North pressed her back by putting his hand on her shoulder. "Please," she said. "I want to get up."

"In a moment." He could feel her tension under his palm. "What happened? Why did you go outside?"

"It was as you said," she told him. "My meeting with the colonel did not go at all well." She saw that North was in no way appeased by her inadequate explanation. "He would not agree to ask you to stop pursuing the Gentleman Thief."

One of North's brows kicked up. "Really?"

"He would not admit that he had any influence in that regard."

"Ah. That sounds very much like him. He gives little away, our colonel."

Elizabeth was not certain she understood North's tone. There was an edge of unpleasant sarcasm that sharpened his words. His features, though, were without any hint of the same. "I should like to leave," she said.

Nodding, North released her shoulder. "Of course."

She sat up without help, but she felt North watching her closely. "I shall not faint again."

"The colonel asked if you were
enceinte
." He did not miss Elizabeth's sharp intake of air. "I assured him this was not the case."

Elizabeth turned to the opposite side of the chaise and stood. Her mouth was dry.

"It is not so, is it?" he asked.

She shook her head. Her hands remained at her sides and her fingertips twisted in the fabric of her gown. The fidgeting was necessary. It kept her from folding her hands protectively in front of her empty womb.

North stood also, his rise weary. He regarded Elizabeth's back for a moment. "Will you want to speak to West before we go or shall I make our farewell alone?"

Elizabeth had already started for the door. "I will go with you."

* * *

Once they were home in Merrifeld Square Elizabeth went immediately to her room. She requested a hot bath and within the hour she was sitting up to her shoulders in lavender-scented water. Her head rested at the back of the copper tub, supported by a folded cloth. Steam rising from the surface of the water curled her hair and made her skin glow in the lamplight. Outside rain continued to pelt the windows and draw a dark gray cloud over the late afternoon. As though pulling a comforting blanket over her, Elizabeth sank a fraction lower into the water.

North thought she had fallen asleep. He entered the room quietly when he saw she didn't stir and crossed to the bed. Loosening his stock, he lay back.

"When do you mean to send me away?"

He did not look in Elizabeth's direction. "If the weather is improved I thought tomorrow. Have you considered where you want to go?"

"If I have no choice in leaving, then—"

"You don't."

"Then I would prefer to go to Rosemont."

"As you wish."

Elizabeth opened her eyes and stared at the fingers of flame snapping and twisting in the fireplace. "It is not as I wish. Nothing is as I wish it. Please do not pretend it is otherwise."

North said nothing, but his head turned in her direction. He watched her rise from the bath slowly. Water slid in glowing rivulets across her arms and down her legs. She placed a hand at the small of her back as she stepped out of the tub. Her other hand was held away from her body to provide balance. There was just the slightest hint of awkwardness in the movement.