Lessons in Laughing Out Loud (30 page)

“I know,” Holly said. “Are you really that calm about seeing Sam again? Is there really nothing there anymore?”

They reached the top of the escalator, hopping off and loitering at the end of the Barbie aisle.

Willow considered lying, but she knew there was no point.

“It was—is—confusing,” she admitted. “I think it would be easier for us to hate each other, and there is a lot of anger and
guilt, but I don’t hate him and I don’t think he hates me anymore. I see him and I just want to go to bed with him.”

“Willow!” Holly exclaimed, stifling herself at the last minute before they blew their cover. Ducking down as one of the twins looked up, Willow found a bottom shelf full of tiaras. The two women looked at each other, and suddenly it seemed entirely appropriate for each of them to jam one on her head.

“I don’t mean like that! I just want to hug him. A lot. Do you understand?”

“Not really,” Holly said.

“Remember Mum’s jewelry?” Willow said, picking up a play bracelet made of plastic. “All that glittering stuff, big chunky jewels, her top drawer was like a treasure chest, wasn’t it? Funny, it never occurred to me that there we were, sometimes going to bed hungry and yet the three of us were all dressed like princesses, all the time. I didn’t mind it then, and even after everything that’s happened I don’t mind it now. It was lovely, having a beautiful mum. Feeling like a princess was better than being full.”

Holly realigned Willow’s rather wonky tiara. “Do you realize that we look really quite bizarre?” she said. “And that security guard thinks we’re shoplifting.” Willow lifted her glasses up and winked at the gentleman in question.

“Yesterday I did a naked photo shoot, for all of five minutes, admittedly—still, sunglasses, tiara, and disapproving security personnel hold no fear for me now.”

Holly chuckled. “So is Sam still all brooding and sexy?” she asked as, still crouching, they peered down the Barbie aisle to see the twins agog at the endless array of plastic loveliness.

“Ooh, look, wands.” Willow picked up one crystal-encrusted wand that caught her eye and handed another to her sister. “He is, he is . . . but he’s changed. He used to look like there was nothing in the world that could defeat him, like
nothing scared him. That seems to have gone away. I worry that it’s my fault.”

“What you did was stupid and thoughtless, and I’m sure you hurt him a lot. But he was the one who couldn’t understand why it happened. It was Sam’s stubborn pride that lost him the woman he loved. That’s what hurt him.”

“Hmmm. Would you be so understanding if you found Gray in bed with a naked woman, even if they hadn’t had sex yet?”

Holly scowled furiously. “I would nail him to the floor by his balls.”

“Exactly.” Willow fell silent, wondering how wrong it would be to pop on a pair of fairy wings to top off her ensemble and then deciding against it. Naked photo shoot aside, she wasn’t quite ready for wings yet.

“So now they are back, and if they stick around and Sam’s back in your life on a regular basis, would you, you know, try and get back together with him?” Holly had finally asked her the burning question, one that somehow lacked the required gravitas, Willow realized, topped off as it was by pink sparkling gemstones.

Willow straightened up and exclaimed, “Don’t be silly!” But she couldn’t stop herself from giggling, more with relief at discovering the answer than at her sister’s getup. “He’s got a new girlfriend who makes her own pasta, and besides, if I couldn’t let Sam love me the first time round, what’s different now, apart from that this time he’d know I’d be very likely to ruin things all over again? We’d never trust each other. Oh, and now I feel sad.”

As the girls dragged Chloe along, Willow and Holly followed the threesome, stopping to smile indulgently as the twins charged full pelt into a mountain of stuffed toys, cheering as they were engulfed by an avalanche of puppies and teddies.

“I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to do that,” Holly said.

“Get out of there, right now!” Chloe yelled in such a grownup and authoritative tone that two heads immediately popped out of the fuzz, looking almost contrite.

“It was her idea,” Jem said sulkily, before looking past Chloe and squinting at Willow and Holly. “Mummy, is that you?”

“It would appear so,” Holly said, rather sheepishly taking off the tiara. “Hey, look what I got both of you!”

“Mummy!” Jo-Jo giggled as she ran up to her mother, closely followed by her sister. “You’re like a princess!”

“Did you get wings too?” Jem asked, gesturing for Willow to bend down so that she could decrown her. “All good princesses have wings.”

“What do you look like?” Chloe repressed a smile. “Apart from like you’re on day release from the loony bin and following us. And by the way, look, I haven’t lost them and only caused minor criminal damage.”

There had been a lecture from the security guard and a section manager, and a lot of tidying up before they were eventually allowed to leave the shop, laden down with several guilt-inspired purchases, including baby dolls that pooped. As Willow and Holly walked behind the others, Willow felt a surge of joy at seeing Chloe, swinging hands with the girls, looking happy and relaxed.

“You are, you know,” Holly said, taking her eyes off her daughters for a moment to consider Willow.

“I am what?” Willowed asked her.

“Different. I can feel it, even when I’m down in Christ-church. It’s hard to explain, it’s like you’ve got something back. . . .”

“I’ve got new shoes,” Willow said. “And this coat.”

“Those are lovely shoes and it’s a great coat, but . . .” Holly’s smile wavered, her eyes clouding behind her rose-tinted spectacles. “Willow, you never talk about what happened.”

“There’s nothing to say,” Willow countered firmly. “What on earth is there to say?”

“There is more to say than there are words for,” Holly said, her face serious behind the glasses. “Look, I’m not trying to drag it all up now. I just wanted to say that . . . there must be a chance for you to be okay. There must be, because if there isn’t, then . . .”

“Then what?” Willow asked her quietly.

“Then this is a terrible world we live in, where there is never enough good to outweigh all the bad,” Holly said. “And I couldn’t bear that.”

Willow smiled at her sister. “How can that possibly be true, how can a world where two grown women dress up like demented fairies to go incognito ever be terrible!”

Willow caught her hand and squeezed, each one drawing strength from the other, as for a moment.

Willow said good-bye to the girls as Holly took them to meet their dad and then paused for a moment to look at Chloe. On impulse she took her hand and kissed it, pulling Chloe into a huge hug.

“Oh, Chloe,” Willow said to the pregnant fifteen-year-old in her arms and the little girl she’d left behind. “I’ve missed you so much, darling.”

Chloe was silent for a long time, and then to Willow’s joy she hugged her back before whispering, “I suppose I’ve missed you too.”

Willow and Chloe waited anxiously for the social worker to arrive.

Willow had vacuumed the flat and dusted as soon as they got back from Hamleys, even finding a tin of seldom-seen spray polish under the sink and going at the sideboard with an entire packet of makeup-removing facial wipes. After
doing the best she could with her scant cleaning materials, she found some perfume she had lurking in the bottom of the drawer somewhere. It was the gift that Daniel had given her for Christmas last year, telling her in his usual forthright manner that it was exactly the same brand that he’d given the two girls he’d been seeing at the time because it was three for the price of two at Boots. It wasn’t Willow at all—it was flowery and sweet—but even if it had been her kind of perfume, she would never have worn it. Still shrink-wrapped and untouched, it served as a timely reminder of exactly how little Daniel thought of her, a walk-on, an extra in his life whom he rewarded with thoughtless freebies.

Unwrapping the bottle from its cellophane, Willow began to spray it all over the flat. It was funny, she thought, as she doused the place in notes of springtime, she had felt much more comfortable loving Daniel when he hurt her in that casual, careless way. She almost preferred it when he wasn’t thinking about her, when their friendship was a constant background hum that either one of them could revisit whenever they liked. In her head Willow thought she’d been playing the long game, waiting for him to want her, for the moment of their union. And then last night, in a heartbeat, all of that had changed.

For the first time Daniel was within reach, and for the first time Willow wasn’t at all sure that she wanted him.

Willow paused in front of the dusty mirror that hung over her gas fire, looking into her own eyes for a long moment. There was something else too; when she’d seen Holly today she had felt less different from her identical twin. It was a hard notion to explain, but even with their physical and emotional selves so in tune, for a very long time Willow had felt separated from her sister by the blunt instrument of fate. Their two lives had taken such different, divergent paths, all leading
back to one terrible moment in time. Sometimes, even when they were in the same room, hand in hand, Willow would look at Holly, at her husband and children, and feel that they were miles apart. But today she hadn’t felt that, today she had felt like a part of her sister.

“Magic slippers,” she muttered to herself. “Haunted shoes, haunted by the spirit of a kick-ass superfox who makes men love her when they don’t want to . . .”

“Please don’t talk to yourself when this Tina Ellroy woman is here,” Chloe said, coming out of her bedroom with an actual maternity dress on and her long, black hair brushed and shiny. Willow looked her up and down. She’d taken her piercing out and removed most of her eyeliner, making her look a good deal younger, a sight that was simultaneously touching and awful.

“You want to make a good impression,” Willow said.

“Well, I don’t want her to judge me,” Chloe said. “I don’t want her to think I’m some idiot kid who got knocked up because she didn’t know any better.”

“Okay,” Willow said carefully. “Well. Good.”

“I want her to take me seriously. To realize that I’m not just trying to get out of this. I’m trying to make the best possible life for my baby.”

“I think she will realize that.”

“And what about you, do you take me seriously?” Chloe challenged her. Willow nodded.

“Of course I do.”

“Then have you thought about my idea, about taking the baby?”

Willow shook her head and went over to Chloe, putting her arm around her. “To be honest, Chloe, I’ve mainly been thinking about you.”

“The baby is me too, though. Willow, please . . .” The doorbell
sounded before Chloe could say any more. Willow kissed the top of her head.

“That will be your father.”

It turned out that it was both Sam and Tina Ellroy, the adoption social worker from Haringey, who had met on the stairs. Sam stood back, allowing Tina in first. She was a capable-looking woman in her late forties, her hair pulled back under a scarf. She was friendly, though, with a kind voice and a nice smile.

“Tea?” Willow offered as Sam introduced her to Chloe. They stood in the kitchen watching as Chloe smiled shyly, while Tina asked her a few general questions about the baby. Chloe looked so young then, younger than her fifteen years even. All the bluster and determination seemed to have been washed away with her makeup. Willow could tell that she didn’t know whether to sit down or stand up, to sit next to Tina or across from her. After a moment, Willow’s heart ached as Chloe slipped her hand into her father’s; he was standing just as awkwardly as his daughter, their fingers tightening around each other’s in silent solidarity.

“Well, shall we sit?” Tina expertly took the lead, taking a mug of tea from Willow. Chloe and Sam sat side by side on the sofa, Tina on the sofa opposite. After a moment Chloe looked up at Willow and patted the space next to her, and Willow obliged and squeezed in too.

“So, Chloe, you are thinking about giving the baby up for adoption,” Tina began pleasantly.

“I’ve decided to,” Chloe said. “I’m not thinking about it—I’ve decided. I am.”

“Okay.” Tina smiled at her. “But just to make sure you are absolutely certain, Haringey Council is obliged to ask you a number of questions about yourself, your circumstances and your situation, and then make sure you get all the counseling
and support you need to make this difficult choice. Do you understand?”

Chloe nodded. Tina bustled about in her outsize bag for a moment, pulling out a packet of tissues and some lipstick before she found a notepad and pen.

“So we’ve established that you are twenty-eight weeks along, and that your and the baby’s health is good. What about your family, any history of health problems there?”

“My mum died when I three,” Chloe blurted out. “She had a blood clot in her head.”

“She was thirty-three,” Sam added.