Lessons From Ducks (25 page)

Chapter thirty three

The hospital smelt the same as it had back then; a combination of boiled food, heavy duty disinfectant and sickness. Anna sucked in her breath for as long as she could but of course couldn’t hold it forever, so she placed the sleeve of her jersey over her nose and mouth and breathed in the smell of her fabric softener instead.

“Can I help you?” the man on the front desk asked. He leant forward with his elbows on the desk, pretending he hadn’t just been reading the magazine on the counter in front of him.

“Yes please. I’m looking for a boy who was bought in tonight.”

“Name?”

“Oscar.”

“You have a surname?”

Anna couldn’t for the life of her remember it. “I’m sorry, I can’t remember,” she said lamely.

The man’s eyebrows met in the middle. “Are you family?” he asked, his tone suggesting he knew the answer to this already.

“No. A friend.”

“Ah.” He looked at her as if he doubted this claim also.

“All I know is that he has had an accident. His father, Matt, called me and asked me to come up. There can’t have been many eight year old boys named Oscar brought in tonight surely?”

“Well,” The man wasn’t giving anything away.

“Please,” Anna decided to appeal to his human nature. “I just need to know he’s ok. Can’t you just click on a few buttons on your keyboard and look it up? Oscar. He’s eight. His father’s name is Matt.”

“You must be Anna.”

The voice came from behind her. It was flat and unfamiliar. Anna turned and took in the woman who had spoken. Blond and probably at any other time considered pretty, right now her eyes were red and inflamed and her face was haunted.

“Yes,” Anna answered her.

“This is your fault, you know.” The woman’s voice turned bitter. “He was on his way to see you, even though I’d told him he wasn’t allowed.”

Anna realised this was Oscar’s mother, Kate. “I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”

The woman looked like on the brink of launching into a tirade but before Anna’s eyes she subsided. She immediately looked small and frail. “It’s alright,” she said, barely louder than a whisper. “I don’t really blame you. His father should never have let him ride his bike around town. I had no idea.”

Anna stayed silent. She recognised a mother in turmoil. It was a reflection she’d seen in the mirror many times.

Kate rubbed her eyes. “Anyway. It’s doesn’t matter right now. Nothing matters except getting my son better.”

“How is he?” Anna asked.

Oscar’s mother grimaced. “He’s critical, they said. He was in a serious condition but they downgraded him to critical. That’s got to be a good thing right?”

Anna nodded. She would have given her life for her own son to have been critical. At least then he’d have stood a fighting chance.

“I’m going up there again now. You can come if you like but you won’t be able to see him.”

“Is Matt there?” It was a stupid question. She regretted it as soon as she spoke the words.

“Of course.” If she was curious about the relationship between her ex husband and this woman standing before her, Kate didn’t show it. But then Anna figured she had bigger fish to fry.

“I’ll just say hi.” It sounded feeble and inappropriate.

Kate shrugged. It was unimportant to her.

They travelled up in the lift to the ICU in silence. In the confined space Anna realised why Kate had been away from her son’s bedside. She reeked of cigarette smoke. The smell was marginally better than the hospital. The doors chimed open and Kate led the way into a dimmed corridor. The waiting room outside the ward was a different story, brightly lit and sterile. A vending machine manned the wall and plastic chairs were scattered in no particular pattern. If only they could tell tales, Anna thought, they must have seen and heard all sorts of triumph and tragedy in their time.

There was a smattering of people gathered and Kate joined them, speaking in hushed tones. Anna realised she’d already been forgotten. She looked around for Matt. He was pacing back and forth near the double doors that led into the ICU unit. Seeing him, Anna wished she hadn’t come. She had no place here. At a time like this families needed to be together. She quietly turned to leave.

“Anna,”

Too late, he’d seen her.

Matt was at her side in seconds. He stopped short of touching her. His face seemed gaunter than the last time she’d seen him, although she supposed that was only the result of worry and shadows.

“Matt, hi.”

“You came.”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t think you were.”

“Yes, I’m sorry about that.”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re here now.”

“How is he?”

Matt ran his hands through his hair. “He’s better than they first thought, thank god. The helmet protected his head from the worst of the impact.”

“What happened?”

“A car hit him from behind. Police said he was thrown quite a distance, ended up in a heap in the gutter,” his voice choked up and he sunk his head into his hands.

Anna reached out and embraced him. Whatever was happening or not happening between them, it seemed the right thing to do. She held him while he cried, patting him on the back and murmuring soothing tones into his ear. There was nothing she could say to make him feel any better, she realised that. It was enough that she was here.

He drew back after a while and pulled a wad of tissues from his pocket. They were soaked and ineffectual. He used his sleeve instead.

“He was on his way to your house,” Matt said. “Left me a note saying he was going to fix things.”

“Fix things?”             

“He took it pretty hard when you didn’t want to see us anymore. He missed you, but more so Buddy, he’s been missing Buddy a lot.”

Anna felt dreadfully selfish. Matt saw it in her face and sought to comfort her. “It’s ok,” he said, “I told him it was my fault, not his.”

This made Anna feel worse.

“Hey it’s ok,” Matt picked up one of her hands and squeezed it. “I get it. I mean, I didn’t at first. But I know what you’ve been through. I thought I had an inkling of how horrendous it must have been for you, but I didn’t have a clue until tonight.” He took a deep breath. “When I thought I was going to lose Oscar I nearly lost my mind. I swear to god, I don’t know what I would have done if he’d died. Probably jumped in front of the first truck I saw.”

Anna had thought the very same thought many times. She nodded.

The doors opened and a doctor came through. “Matt,” Kate called, and he hurried over to join her. They conferred with the doctor quietly. Kate started sobbing and Matt collapsed into a chair with his head in his hands. Anna stopped breathing. No. She felt the walls closing in.

But then an older gentleman – a grandfather? – asked what had happened and Kate lifted her head. Anna saw she was smiling, and she started to breathe again.

“He’s ok,” Kate choked through happy tears. “He’s going to be ok.”

The people in the room started to hug and rejoice, and Anna took the opportunity to slip quietly away. In the elevator on the way down she let her tears fall easily, only for the first time in a long time they were tears of happiness, and tears of relief.

The air outside was sweeter than she could ever remember tasting it. The stars were the brightest they had ever been, and everything felt aligned exactly as it should be. Oscar was going to be ok, and that was all that mattered.

She had caught a taxi to the hospital and he had asked if she wanted him to wait but she’d said no, not knowing how long she’d be. She knew she could ask the man on the desk, now openly reading his magazine, to call her another taxi, but she felt like a walk. Her feet took her in the direction of the cemetery and she made her way through the gate and to the grave easily, despite the darkness. The light from the stars and the crescent of moon was enough to light her way, but even if they hadn’t been there she would have found the way by the feel of the ground beneath her feet. Walk a path often enough and every step becomes familiar.

“Hey guys,” she said softly. It wasn’t the first time she’d visited the grave under the cover of nightfall. In the early days she’d often found herself here upon waking. Curled up on the damp dewy grass, with no memory of how she’d gotten there.

Anna let out a deep sigh. Something had shifted in the universe that night. A weight had been lifted from her.

Second chances.

Oscar had been given one. He had hovered on the knife edge between this life and the next and returned. Anna didn’t know why, but when it came down to it, she actually didn’t care. All she knew was that he was lucky enough to still be here.

And so was she. Until now, she’d been so consumed by the fact that Tim and Ben had been unfairly taken from her that she hadn’t stopped to be grateful that she hadn’t died with them. It didn’t feel right to be grateful, not when she’d lost so much and wished so hard for so long that she had also died in the car that night.

She placed her hand on the cool surface of the headstone and turned her face up to the stars. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A second chance. She could hear Tim’s voice in her ear, scolding her for squandering the life she’d been gifted.

After the funeral, someone had said something to her that, at the time, set her teeth on edge. What was it? Oh yes. They’d hugged her awkwardly then looked at her with eyes laced with sympathy and told her that God only leaves the strong ones behind, the ones that can survive a loss.

What a load of bullshit, she’d thought angrily at the time. And she’d had to bite her tongue to stop from telling them exactly what she thought of a God who took babies away from their mothers. Besides, she didn’t consider herself strong at all, and when she thought back on her behaviour in the time since they died she knew she should probably feel ashamed. But she didn’t. She knew that right or wrong, she had coped the best way that she knew how. She had done what needed to be done in order to get through the days and the nights, and now she had arrived here at this point. She had realised two things.

The first, that family can be family, no matter if they are related or not. The ducks had shown her that, when they adopted orphan Buddy without any drama and a minimal of fuss. It was if they had sensed how much he needed them, and they’d been happy to step up.

The second realisation was that, like Oscar, she had been gifted a second chance.

It was now up to her to make the most of it.

Six months later

The phone rang.

Anna scooped it up on the third bell.

“Buddy’s nursery and garden maintenance, how can I help you? Mm mmm, aha, yep, sure no problem, let me just grab the book.” She put a hand over the receiver and gestured to Matt, who was sitting in a chair with his feet on the desk, eating a sandwich.

“Pass the book, will you. And get your feet off my desk.”

He grinned at her and passed the book, but kept his feet firmly where they were. She frowned and pushed them off. They landed on the floor with a thud. He dropped his sandwich.

“Hey watch it!” he said, picking up the sandwich. He inspected it, decided it passed the ten second rule and took a large bite. He laughed when Anna grimaced.

“Right sorry, where were we,” Anna turned her attention back to the phone. “Yes we can fit you in this week. How does ten on Thursday suit you? Perfect? Great, just give me the details and we’ll see you then.” Matt watched as she scribbled the name and address into the book. Business was going great, and they’d only officially been open a month.

After Oscars accident and the realisation that she had been sleepwalking through life, which was a crime in itself and a lousy way to honour the memories of her husband and son, Anna had set about swiftly making some changes.

Firstly, she tried to figure out exactly what it was she wanted to do with her life. A psychology magazine she purchased from the bookshop had some ideas on how to go about doing this, but after she became fed up with mood boards that didn’t put her in ‘the mood’, and career quizzes that came up with obscure results such as ‘you are a creative people pleaser who will have success with an artistic pursuit’, she gave up and retreated to her sanctuary. There, with the sun warm on her back and the earth under her fingernails, she had an epiphany.

Buddy’s garden nursery was born. When, over dinner, she excitedly filled Matt in on her idea, it was Oscar who suggested why didn’t his father go in on it and they offer a garden/lawn maintenance service as well?

She had a fair amount of money left from Tim’s life insurance for start up, and the bank was happy enough to lend Matt the rest. Opening day they attracted a curious crowd, gathered to see what the widow and the lawn mower guy had come up with. Anna’s green thumb ensured the plant life flourished, and Matt’s services were in such demand that he got carried away and booked himself so much work that Anna had to step in and firmly stop him from booking himself seven days a week solid for the foreseeable future.

“Ok you’re all booked in” Anna wrapped up the phone call. “You have a wonderful day,” she smiled into the receiver before she replaced it. “Phew,” she said to Matt, pushing his feet off the desk again, “for a small town there sure is a heck of a lot of business. Anyone would think the men of this town don’t like mowing their own lawns, the number of repeat calls we’ve had.” She paused from scribbling in the book and frowned thoughtfully, “funnily enough it’s the wives who do most of the booking though.”

“What can I say,” Matt winked. “I just have a special talent for it.”

Anna snorted. “More like you have a special talent for taking your shirt off.”

“What on earth do you mean?” He tried his hardest to look indignant.

“Don’t play Mr innocent with me. I heard from Celeste at the last school fete meeting that you’ve been mowing lawns half naked.”

“It’s hot out there,” he defended himself.

Anna laughed. “Yes, well I have a suspicion that it could have something to with the increase in calls from housewives.”

“Hey if it works -’ Matt shrugged.

She swatted at his chest and he laughed and grabbed her hand, pulling her in close for a long kiss. When they broke apart, breathless, he kissed her eyelids softly, then the tip of her nose. “Would you like me to take my shirt off right now?” he teased in a whisper.

Anna shivered as he nuzzled her neck. “You’ll distract me from my work,” she protested half heartedly.

Matt checked the clock. “Near enough to knock off time,” he said, “Oscar’s with his mother tonight, how about we lock the door and pull down the blinds and make ourselves comfortable.” He pulled her in close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off him. Holding her tight, he moved forward until she was backed against the desk, and he lifted his eyebrows at her in question.

Anna arched her back into him and smiled. It
was
nearly closing time and she doubted anyone would be shopping for plants at six o’clock on a Monday.

“Oh go on then,” she smiled.