LEMNISCATE (8 page)

I recounted the ever-growing personality change in Brynn. That, paired with the existence of a peculiar journal that has now lead to suspicions about the man my mother was dating, was more than I could keep to myself. I had been reluctant to pull Ryan into the discussion but it felt right, so I revealed my daring plan (the one he didn’t know about yet). I only paused once to briefly question my hesitation about the plans with Ryan. I realized this made them more real. Solid. And now that I had told someone, now that I had told Claire, there was no backing out. 

My fingers continued at the keys with driving determination. The dam had broken. I admitted that my feelings were being stretched thin between Garreth and Hadrian, and how I wished with all my heart she were able to answer me somehow. I would do anything to see her roll her eyes at my dilemmas, to give me the sound advice only she was capable of giving.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I needed to wrap things up. In closing I asked Claire to forgive me for not being a better friend. I knew deep down that I should have stayed at the rave with her and yes, maybe I would be dead instead of her, or maybe we both would have lived. Who knows.

My finger touched the send button and in a flash the lengthy note I had just typed disappeared and was swept away into the universe, taking a chunk of my pain with it.

“A
re you serious?” Ryan’s face paled at my idea.

“It’s exactly what you said we should do,” I insisted. “Well, not in those exact words, but you did say we needed to find out what Brynn was up to. You have to admit, she may not be the only one in her family with strange habits these days.”

“Yeah, the whole journal thing doesn’t sit well with me either,” Ryan agreed, rubbing his chin with his hand in a very philosophical way. “How are we going to get Brynn out of her own house again?”

“We’re not, she won’t even be there.”

I proceeded to spill the details of my plan and after hearing my own voice say it out loud, I had to admit it sounded very Nancy Drew of me. I could see Ryan thinking it through, but his eyes still seemed a bit wary, which was only natural. My own insides were nervous. For one, I needed to create a diversion, somehow letting Brynn know about the party her friends were going to. Then, we needed to break into the doctor’s house, while he’s at my house getting it on with my mom.

Eew,
bad mental picture.

I kept telling myself that this was the only way. Why would my mom’s boyfriend, an established doctor, keep a creepy journal about strange phenomenon? Why would he even have any theories about me and my scar in the first place? I didn’t trust him. Not last month, not last week and especially not now, and I especially didn’t trust Brynn, the evil stepchild.

I left Ryan at his locker quad, agreeing to meet under the tree at the end of my street tomorrow night. We were going to get to the bottom of this, I felt sure of it.

All of a sudden, my hand blazed so intensely, I had to cup it in my opposite hand. It was usually a warning when it felt like this, and so I began searching the groups of kids still lingering in the hallway with me. My ears listened intently for wings, thinking perhaps this was a strange reoccurrence of the black feather incident.

I craned my neck, trying to peer into the vast crowd near the stairwell doors. My legs suddenly felt rubbery and jellylike. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the back of a very familiar head that unexpectedly turned. He walked straight toward me, causing everyone in his path to stop and stare. He wasn’t supposed to be here. We all knew that. Like any other high school, word travels quickly. People were whispering, but he seemed to float effortlessly past them. Keeping his stride, he seemed to have a hidden agenda, pausing only for a second to glance at me with his deep blue eyes. Then he looked straight ahead and kept walking.

“Whoa, did you see that?” someone’s voice broke the stillness around me.

“I thought he was suspended,” someone else whispered a few lockers down.

The air felt stifling and I had to get out of here. I needed air.

What did I do wrong?

Breaking through the groups scattered throughout the hallway, I pushed past anyone in my path, ignoring the rude comments left behind in my wake. I walked past Mr. Herman as he bent down, propping his door open with a worn wooden wedge, nearly stubbing my foot on his hand. He said something that sounded like my name and some reference to turning back around . . . I ignored him. I ignored them all and flung my arms out in front of me, pushing the glass double doors out of my way.

I walked to my car, never breaking my stride. With peeling rubber, I backed my little white car out of the parking space, put it in gear and drove beyond the school grounds, never looking back.

My mind replayed that day in the parking lot over and over again and still, I had no idea what I did to deserve this pain he was putting me through. He was the one who messed up, I kept reminding myself. He was the one. Not me.

Then why was he punishing me?

I didn’t stop until I reached the bend in the road. Autumn ravaged remains of green and gold flitted wildly past the sides of my car as I sped up the too-narrow pathway, now resembling an overgrown driveway. I lurched forward as my car came to a stop and I closed my eyes, willing the burning hot tears to stay put as I leaned my forehead against the hard steering wheel.

The world was still. Total silence. No birds. No rustling of leaves or branches. I opened my eyes and drank in the barren void surrounding me. Slowly getting out of the car, I stepped out onto the soft carpet of pine needles and ground mulch. Everything was brown and still. Charred stumps of trees flanked the desolate clearing as wild fern wilted with brown bending leaves scattered the ground.

It had been months since I was last here. Garreth and I had come back the day after the fire. It still held a feeling of magic that seeped through the ruin, still held the promise of new life rising from the ashes – but all I could see around me now was devastation.

Blackened bark curled and clung to the fragile trees that still stood, though the wooden trunks were dehydrated and petrified inside now. Practically everything here had died that night. I blinked and looked around, feeling heavy and lost, but I couldn’t will myself to turn around, get back into my car and drive away. I too felt hollow and burnt and tried to will my feet to leave this place but couldn’t. I belonged.

I turned to face the old chapel foundation that still stood here. My legs managed their way over the cracked twigs and gnarled roots of long dead trees. I stumbled past the long fallen tree Garreth and I had once used as a bench, now blackened and splintering. My feet stopped at the bottom of crumbled rock, steps that now led to a ravaged opening to nowhere. The chapel. I remembered her beauty. The stained glass triangles of color that had glinted in the sun were now broken and pulverized into glittering sand. The arched wooden door was missing and rusted metal hinges nailed to crumbling mortar was the only welcome. I carefully stepped up and stood in the doorway, feeling the painful loss of this place. Feeling its misery.

The red candles had all melted and bled across the floor in the fire. The altar where Garreth had revealed his true self to me had crumbled like the walls, which were no higher than my knees.

Sadly, I looked up at the large opening in the trees that resembled a gaping mouth. The flames had not reached that far. I closed my eyes, remembering the tower that once stood here, though I had only seen it once. I had come running to this place when I died, wild and frantic to save Garreth. Giving my life for his was easy. I would still give it if he were to ask.

And no matter how rotten things were now, I had to believe there was a solution.

I held my hand up in front of my face and studied the lines of my special mark, hopefully for the last time, then before I could change my mind, I made it disappear.

I was so lost in myself, I almost didn’t hear it.

The movement. The rustling.

That’s when I felt it.

Eyes staring at me.

I pivoted quickly on my heels and stared at the trees surrounding me. The coldness that swept across my arms pulled me out of my depression. I wasn’t alone and whatever was in these woods wasn’t friendly.

My hand went numb just then and when I pulled it up to look at it, my mark had reappeared.

Wasting no time, I hurried back to the car, slammed the door and high-tailed it out of there. I drove backwards out of the lane, hearing the scraping of branches along the sides of my car and praying I wouldn’t hit a tree on the way out.

T
hat night alone again in my room, my face fell into my hands and I pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes, pushing on them, willing them to pop out of the back of my head, so I’d have a decent excuse not to show up at school tomorrow. Facing Garreth’s new attitude was too painful. But of course my eyeballs stayed put, so instead, I drew a deep, cleansing breath into my lungs and held it. But when it was time to exhale, I couldn’t. It was stuck. Something had changed.

Then I felt it. A strange electrical impulse split the air behind me, worming its way up my spine.

Garreth?

It was familiar, yet not.

Different.

Alluring . . . dark . . . dangerous.

Then I knew.

I closed my eyes against the wish I had been stifling for so long.

Was it possible? A distinct flavor always seemed to float in the air when he was near, and it burned my tongue. It was deceptively sumptuous—the taste of darkness, of temptation; it immediately drew my eye to his tall, intimidating form.

I turned, acknowledging the presence in the corner of my bedroom faintly concealed in a shadow. I knew his dark eyes were waiting. I could feel them searing their way into me.

Reluctantly, I let my eyes roam, taking in more of the beautiful face that was silently assessing me, and knew that once I met his gaze, he would have me.

The moon broke through the thin vapor of the night and pierced its pearly light into my room. Hadrian stepped into its path, the glow washing over him with an almost magical light.

Clouds thickened and scattered, darkening and relighting his face, eerily playing with the scant four feet that distanced us from each other. I took a careful step forward, leery of the familiar shape that wasn’t disappearing with the taunting light of the moon or shifting into a lie. Tonight Hadrian was not an illusion. His shoulders were set and rigid, but his eyes were . . . almost tender.

“How long have you been here?” I tried to control the shake in my voice.

“Days.”

Days?
I had felt it, the soft lingering of him creeping closer with each dream, each day that I spent away from Garreth. I couldn’t help pulling Hadrian closer to the brink of my reality.

“I felt your mind.” Hadrian interrupted my thoughts, answering the why that lingered on my lips.

“You felt . . . my mind?” I couldn’t let Hadrian know how long my emotional wall had been crumbling; that I had become weak, defenseless, letting thoughts of him, the “what-ifs,” seep out into the universe. That guiltily, I was waiting for this. I should have been more careful.

He appraised me for a moment, his eyes studying my face.

“I thought it was an illusion, the lucid dreaming that comes with being confined, shaming me into delirium. Hours turned into weeks, I truly believed I was going insane,” he chuckled deeply. “Then again, I’ve always been a little off, haven’t I?”

An invisible pole held me up just then because I was still having trouble digesting the fact that I was face to face with Hadrian.
Hadrian.
The dark angel the other guardians had feared. The very one who had planned the corruption of the angels and the destruction of the humans left behind. The one responsible for the disappearance of my father, and most likely Claire’s accident. The one who had taken Garreth . . .

And yet . . .

I was truly convinced that somewhere buried deep inside him, his soul slumbered, waiting for the moment when the light would come through once again and awaken the guardian that only I seemed to believe he could be.

He stood still in front of me.

“Where were you?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

“You don’t want to know,” he answered huskily.

“Try me.”

“Hell.”

The answer shook me. Images of fire and misery flashed before me. It’s not somewhere I’d want anyone to go.

“How did you get out?”

“Does it matter?” He was agitated now and I couldn’t help but take a couple steps back.

“I . . . I was just wondering.” My pulse pounded heavily in my ears as I struggled to meet his eyes. I was the one who let go of his hand that night in the woods. The one who sent him into the darkness. Did I send him
there
? To hell?

Hadrian cocked his head to one side, as if listening to the rumblings inside my head. “It was Mathur,” he said, as if meaning to put my guilt at ease.

“Mathur?”

It had never occurred to me to question Mathur’s responsibilities. The high-ranking guardian in his flowing white robes had been a solace to me. He had enlightened me with the truth of my own judgment, existence, and purpose after I had followed Garreth to the realm of guardians, but my trail of thought was interrupted.

“Does this surprise you?” Hadrian asked.

“A little.”

“Mathur was generous with my sentence, but I deserved worse.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but his sharp eyes silenced me.

“You know firsthand what I am capable of; never forget that.”

Then he softened his voice, “Images of you plagued me day and night. I realized, this was the price I was to pay for interfering with your life.”

“
My
life? What about my friend Claire’s life?
My father’s?”

“I admit to creating chaos, but I no longer find it amusing.” Hadrian’s eyes met mine cautiously as the fury I held deep inside threatened to burst. “I cannot control the havoc I create once it starts.”