Learning to Walk, a City Hospital Novel (13 page)

“I’m not going anywhere until he comes to get you, so we can either talk about this or have the most uncomfortable fifteen minutes of our lives.” He had a hunch Kit was going to take box number two.

“I think we’ve said our parts.”

Neil sighed and sat back in his chair. “If that’s how you want to leave it.”

“I just want to get better so I can prove you wrong and hear you say it for years. ‘Yes, Kit. I was an idiot.’ It’ll be music to my ears.”

“I’d like that, Kit. I really would.” More than anything he’d like that.

“You have a completely fucked up way of showing it.”

Neil shook his head. “Nothing’s changed. I still won’t enter a personal relationship with you until our professional relationship has ended. I’m more sure about that than ever.”

“I get it. So I’m braking harder than you, because this whole climbing and dinner stuff is too hard on my head. Half the time you’re being so careful about not being warm that you’re like a block of ice and I’m not even sure you like me as a human. So I’ll see you at therapy. But other than that, I’m losing your number.”

Neil nodded. “Yes, I think that’s for the best. I’m sorry I let things drift as far off course as I did. That wasn’t fair to you.”

Kit shook his head. “You better be worth all this work, man. This is insane. Now, I’m going outside to wait for my father. You don’t need to. That’ll be weird. Weirder than this.”

Neil nodded tightly. He could see Kit through the window, and he’d know when the man’s father showed up. “I’ll see you at your next appointment,” he said quietly.

Kit nodded and wheeled away without looking back, the set of his shoulders tight. Even in profile, Neil could see how hard he had his jaw clamped.

God, this whole mess was all his fault. He never should have gotten involved outside of their therapy sessions. He’d be kicking himself a long time for this one.

Chapter Eight

Kit spent two days pissed off and cranky. He watched movies at home and made his father take him to the gym so he could use the free weights, and then he settled in to glare at the walls until it was time for therapy.

He had to respect Neil’s lines because they were important to Neil, but mostly Kit thought it was a huge pile of bullshit. He was positive there were people all over the hospital breaking Neil’s code of conduct, and no one was getting damaged by it, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Neil believed in the crappy rules, so Kit had to live by them, too.

But it felt an awful lot like Neil cared far more about Kit’s recovery than he cared about Kit himself. And that whole idea that Kit wouldn’t want to see Neil after he was better was just insulting. If Kit decided he didn’t want to see Neil, it was going to be over junk like this not because he was able to walk.

He got to therapy and nodded to the nurses at the station and then went right to the therapy room to wait for Neil. Better just get the work over and done with as soon as possible.

Neil came in a few minutes later, looking more sad than calm, if you asked Kit. “Hi, Kit. How are you feeling today?”

“Fine. You?”

“Fine. Shall we get started?”

“That’s why I’m here.” Kit sighed and took off his hoodie. “What’s first?”

“Let’s start with your stretches, and then we can move to the bars and work on your walking. See where you are in relation to the last time I saw you. Try out the cane if you brought it.”

It was awkward and uncomfortable -- a lot like the first time they’d met here.

Kit nodded and did what Neil asked, moving through the stretches and working out his range of motion, answering all the questions Neil had and volunteering what information he knew Neil would want. By the time he moved to the bars he wasn’t as angry, but he was more weary than he could remember being in weeks. He hadn’t even done anything and he was tired. It was probably a good thing he’d forgotten to bring the cane.

It stayed formal and polite all the way through the rest of the session, though by the end he was sweating hard.

“I added you to the list for the pool tomorrow at three. Does that suit?”

“Sure.” Kit nodded and wiped at his face with his towel. “That’ll be fine. And I’m here the morning after?”

“Yep. The usual. You’re coming along well.”

“Okay.” Kit nodded and drank from his water bottle. He wanted out of there and away from their non-conversation so badly he could feel acid in his stomach. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“Sounds good.”

Kit put his bottle away and got his hoodie from where he’d left it. “Bye.” He couldn’t quite bring himself to look Neil full in the face. He hoped he wouldn’t have to wait downstairs too long for his ride.

He heard Neil sigh, heard the soft, “Goodbye, Kit.”

Kit sighed, too, and wheeled himself down to wait for the elevator. This whole thing was stupid. Dumb. Ridiculous. But aside from suddenly being able to walk, he couldn’t see a way around it.

“Kit.” Neil came toward him before the elevator showed up. “Kit, I... I’m sorry.”

“I’m not sure you have anything to be sorry for,” Kit said quietly. “I think it’s just a big difference in the way we see things.”

“I should never have let things get to the place they did, then all this awkwardness wouldn’t be happening.”

Kit glanced up at Neil and then away. “Why do you make it sound like it’s up to you to control this thing? Do you see yourself in charge?”

“I’m the professional here, Kit. You came to me for help; that automatically puts me in a position of power and it’s unfair of me to take advantage of you in any way.”

“I’m not a child. I have choices here, too.”

“I never said you were a child, Kit. Trust me, I don’t think of you that way. Not at all. But you are vulnerable. You might not even see it. And that’s fine. I do, and I have to do what I know is right.”

Kit sighed. He wasn’t ever going to be able to get Neil to step down from what must be a very lofty height, so he might as well stop trying. “It’s going to be awkward no matter what, Neil. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“All right. Tomorrow. Same time. See you.” Neil gave him a sad little half-wave and headed back down the hall.

Kit watched him go, only turning when the bell rang to let him know that the elevator was there. Maybe it was time to make some big changes. Maybe it was time to just eliminate Neil’s big issue. There were other therapists. Kit was getting to the point where he could do his exercises with anyone, maybe. It wasn’t like a whole new mandate of therapy would have to be created.

Maybe if Neil could stop seeing him a patient he could see Kit as a man, finally.

Unhappy, unsettled, and out of sorts, Kit went down the elevator to the ground floor. He needed to make some calls and ask some questions.

Chapter Nine

Neil looked up at the knock on his door, eyes widening in surprise when he saw it was Teresa Sutherland, head of the physio department.

“You got a minute, Neil?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing, actually.” She sat in the chair across from him, a file in her hand. At his look, she went on. “Kit Matheson has been making inquiries about changing physical therapists.”

Oh. Well, damn, he should have seen that one coming. Neil nodded. “I guess I’m not surprised.”

“Why’s that?”

He cleared his throat. “An... attraction developed between us.”

One of her eyebrows went up. “I hope you’re not telling me you got involved with him.”

“Not like that. And that’s probably the problem; I told him we couldn’t as long as I was his therapist.”

“And he’s so into you he’s changing therapists so he can be with you?”

Neil blushed. “I didn’t say that. I don’t know what his motives are; I just wanted to be honest with you.”

She looked at him for a long moment, and then nodded. “Okay. Well. These were just inquiries for the moment. Just make sure you don’t cross any lines, Neil.”

“Of course not.”

He groaned again as he watched her go. Had he been inappropriate? He’d tried so very hard not to be, but it had been clear from their appointment yesterday that Kit was unhappy about the situation between them.

He raked his hand through his hair. God what a mess. He’d screwed up. No, he hadn’t let things go too far, but they’d gone far enough. He should have never accepted that first dinner invitation. Or he shouldn’t have let Kit know he was gay. Or something.

Speak of the devil. Neil heard Kit’s voice wishing someone a good morning and then he wheeled past the open door, on his way to the therapy room. He glanced in and nodded as he passed, but he didn’t stop.

Now Neil was in the position where he knew what Kit had been doing, but Kit didn’t know he knew. Thanks a lot, Teresa.

Sighing, he stood and grabbed his clipboard, heading to the therapy room for their appointment.

Kit was at one of the double bars, doing some stretches in his chair while he waited. “Good morning,” he said, twisting to stretch one of his shoulders.

“Hey, Kit. How’s it going?”

“Fine. You?” He sounded all business, perfectly calm and not at all warm or friendly. Just another patient, and a new one at that. Not like someone Neil knew or had been working with for a few months.

“Can we talk for a minute?” Neil had to let Kit know that he knew. Maybe he could recommend someone, if Kit would let him.

“Sure.” Kit stopped stretching and looked at him, not quite able to maintain his coolness. If anything, he looked slightly nervous. “About what?”

“My supervisor stopped by for a chat this morning.” He didn’t want to make it sound like he was accusing Kit of anything -- getting someone new had been one of his options to the man, after all; Kit was perfectly within his rights. Neil just really wished Kit had gone through him.

One of Kit’s eyebrows started to go up. “About me, I assume.”

“Yeah. She said you were making inquiries. You know I’d be happy to find you someone new, right? I want what’s best for you -- I could make you some recommendations and stuff. You could have come to me.”

Kit pursed his mouth for a moment and went back to stretching. “No, I couldn’t. You would wind up thinking I wasn’t happy with my care at your hands. They didn’t let me know that they’d tell you -- that’s not fair or cool. I didn’t want you to know I was asking.”

“That was actually the main reason I brought it up -- I didn’t want to hide it from you. And Teresa was just doing her job. She wanted to make sure nothing inappropriate had happened between us. And yes, you could have. I know you were happy with my care and then things got all...” He waved his hands in front of him. “Awkward, to say the least. I just want the best for you, Kit.”

Kit stopped stretching again and sighed. “I want you to understand that I know what’s best for me, Neil. You really do make me feel like a child sometimes, and since I happen to live with my parent, I need a space where I’m an equal with someone. I want to be an equal to you, and that won’t happen here, in this room. It won’t happen anywhere at all as long as you’re my therapist, and frankly I am not going to wait. I’ve learned that time can be all too short.”

“I said I understand why you’re asking around -- I’m not pissed off at you. At all. I just wanted you to know, because pretending I didn’t know when I did is what would be childish here. I am not treating you like a child.” Why couldn’t Kit see things from the other side at all?

“I need to make my own decision, is all I’m saying, and I wanted to do it without talking to you, but now that’s gone. This place is like a big, giant overlord sometimes. There’s no less than two dozen people who have access to every notation made about me. My files are an open book to every doctor and nurse who comes across my path, barring -- I hope -- the notes my shrink makes. I feel incredibly exposed and like I have no privacy at all in my life.

“I just wanted to make one choice on my own, but I couldn’t even do that without your supervisor running to you. It’s not fair.”

“The decision is entirely yours, Kit. If you want help or advice, I’m here. If you don’t, that’s fine. I’ll continue to give you the best care I can until you move on.” He wasn’t going to point out that they were all just looking out for Kit’s best interests -- clearly Kit didn’t want to hear that.

“I know you will. I would never doubt that.” Kit looked utterly miserable. “I’ll let you know what I find out or decide or whatever. This whole thing is just so messed up and frustrating. My whole life is.”

Neil nodded. “I know. And I’m really sorry that I’ve contributed to that.” It was everything he hadn’t wanted to do. “Come on. Let’s get these exercises in -- at least you can take your frustrations out on the equipment.”

“Better it than you,” Kit said with a nod. “You didn’t ask for this any more than I did.”

Neil nodded. At least they were on the same page there. It made him just miserable that this man, whom he’d come to care for as more than just a patient, was in an untenable position because of him; it was the last thing he’d wanted, why he’d been working so hard, and failing, to not to get involved. “Come on. Show me what you can do.”

Neil could only hope that this wouldn’t set Kit back from his recovery, and that once everything was settled again, things would work out for the best.

He tried not to think about what that might be.

He wasn’t going to tip the scales either way -- he couldn’t live with himself if he did.

Chapter Ten

Kit spent two days making lists, phone calls, and more lists. He did not go to Neil’s boss and give her a piece of his mind, mostly because he figured she wouldn’t be impressed and that Neil would get in trouble. He still thought it was a shit move, and maybe one day when he could actually walk he’d write a letter. No one but a patient would ever get what it was like, being the target of so many good intentions.

He was completely over the entire experience of being a patient, a case file, a number. He was more than ready to be a human again, one who wasn’t a topic of discussion between colleagues. Or at the very least he wanted to be a topic for gossip, not work.