Learning to Move Forward: Novella #3.5 (7 page)

We saw how life could change in a heartbeat when Laurel was kidnapped. The Petersons could’ve killed her, the babies, and Garrett. Thankfully, they were all saved and the babies were born later that night, but poor Garrett, he’d almost lost Laurel on the operating table when they had to take the babies by caesarean.

The events that happened that day caused us to move up our plans. It was only a couple months later that Jonathan carried me away to Curacao and proposed. We opted to have a wedding only a few weeks later, but my parents wouldn’t hear of it. We had to do things “perfectly,” which forced the wedding out a few months.

I had to say it out loud. “I hate that we’re being pushed to do everything my parents want. Whatever happened to having the wedding of our dreams? Isn’t this our event, not theirs?”

“Honey?” I could tell he was about to drop a bomb on me. He never started a sentence with “honey” unless the topic was deep. “I don’t mean any disrespect toward your parents, but I think it’s time you had a heart to heart with them and called them on their crap.”

By his expression, I don’t think he expected me to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into a long, sultry kiss.

Fifty minutes, no clothes, and two orgasms later, he was supporting his weight on his arms, hovering over me, when he asked, “I’m not complaining, because damn that was hot, but what was that for?”

I leaned up, giving his neck a kiss and biting the juncture of his shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about talking to them for a long time, but needed the little nudge to push me into doing it. I didn’t get a chance to call Jocelyn today, but I think I might see if she has time to talk on the phone tomorrow. I’d like to talk to her about what I wrote recently, in regards to Barry, along with how to approach my parents.”

I thought about things for a bit and realized these were the issues that caused me to feel off, because they were unresolved and I kept tamping them down, not wanting to deal with them. I was guilty of being an ostrich. I thought if I put my head in the sand long enough, the problems would go away.

“That’s wonderful, babe. But what about Garrett—do you still need to talk with him?” His face was filled with concern.

I nodded, biting my lower lip, trying to figure out how best to deal with all my issues. “I’m thankful I have you supporting me and that you can deal with my past and all the shit that has my head spinning.”

“I’d do anything for you, Grace. You know that.”

“I know, my love. I think that’s why I accept that we’ll be just fine. I don’t expect things to be perfect, but I love you enough to try and be everything you want. I’m even willing to do whatever I can to overcome my fear of certain sexual positions.”

I could feel him harden against my inner thigh. His hand came up and caressed my hair. “All I ask is that you give us a chance and try. The rest we can work out together, but no hurry on anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. We have plenty of positions left to try out and you notice I’m not complaining about a night or two of plain old vanilla with you.” To emphasize his point, he poked the tip of his now hard cock into my pussy, causing me to lose my focus and succumb to the sexual talents of my soon-to-be husband.

Chapter 8

My parents were pretty ticked at me for skipping out on a family get together with my future in-laws. I knew they would be, so I didn’t even bother to answer the phone when they called the next day, I just let it go straight to voice mail. I loved my mother’s message, “I’m appalled by your behavior. You disregarded mine and your father’s feelings, along with the whole Waters family by not showing up. Olivia and Harris tried to reassure us they were fine, but how could you? Are you trying to ruin your life by screwing up your relationship?”

I played the message for Jonathan but he just shook his head and held me tighter. “Why don’t we give Jocelyn a call? Maybe she can see us, despite it being Saturday.”

I’d meant to call her yesterday to see about coming in on Monday or discussing things over the phone, but with all the chaos that is my family, I never got around to it.

I didn’t think we’d be able to talk to Jocelyn this weekend, but she’d told us to come over this afternoon and we could spend as long as we wanted to discuss my issues.

“My issues”—that was the understatement of the year. At least I’d gotten past the idea of perfection being a must and realized that Jonathan, his family, my cousins, and several of my co-workers loved, or liked me for who I am, flaws and all. The past week’s conversations helped me realize that I had a strong support system with everyone around me. My only regret is that I didn’t have my parents’ support.

The morning went by in a blur. Jonathan insisted on a nice long soak in the tub, followed by treating me to some pecan praline Belgium waffles, my favorite. He was extremely attentive and touchy feely today. I think it was his attempt to help keep me calm and focused on the here and now, not the past or the future, which were my problems.

My stomach was in knots as we arrived at Jocelyn’s door. I tried turning around, citing, “This is a bad idea. I’m not sure I’m ready to face everything.”

My love stood taller, holding me tight around the waist, not letting me budge an inch. “You’re going in there and you will discuss what’s bothering you. I know your parents’ behavior toward you is a major issue, along with your concern about your job. But I feel there’s more, something you’re not telling me.”

I stopped trying to wiggle out of his hold and hung my head in defeat. I was starting to get pissed, which might be a good thing, then I could freely vent my frustrations—or could I? Before I had a moment to consider anything, the door opened and Jocelyn welcomed us in.

I didn’t want to speak at first, instead handing her the notebook and telling her to read. I hadn’t had time to write down the recent issues with my parents regarding the wedding, but that was a good hour or two of conversation in and of itself.

Jonathan surrounded me with his arms as Jocelyn read the entry aloud. He already knew most of my problems, so I didn’t care if he knew what I’d written.

I’d never seen Jocelyn’s face have much expression, but it was filled with concern when she was done reading. “I can see you still have issues with your parents. Is that getting any better?”

I shook my head.

What she said next shocked me. “You’re hiding something from your writing, Grace. You stated, to some degree, what happened the night you were used by Barry, but it seems as though you’re withholding some pertinent information, something that may shed light on why you panic when placed in a similar sexual position.”

My eyes bugged out. “How did you…?”

She smiled softly. “Jonathan has been talking with me, trying to figure out ways to help you feel more comfortable. He’s been extremely concerned about your reactions to anything dealing with you on all fours.”

I felt hurt and betrayed that he’d talk behind my back. I pulled away from him, ready to lay into him verbally, when Jocelyn brought up a valid point. “You told me there’d be no secrets between you and that we could talk freely about each of your issues.”

Damn, she was right. I had agreed to that. I wanted to show Jonathan that I loved him enough to trust him to discuss my issues with Jocelyn. I just figured it would be while I was in the room.

His arm pulled me back against his side. One hand came up and caressed the side of my face, turning it toward him so he could plant a chaste kiss upon my lips. “I only want to help, love. But I do feel you’re leaving something out about what happened with Barry, and until you admit that, you won’t be able to move forward with anything else.”

Jocelyn piped up. “I agree with him, Grace. You need to be honest with yourself and with us. What exactly happened that night with Barry?”

I didn’t want to relive that part of my life, I was embarrassed by it. So I got furious, hitting the sofa with my fist. “What does that part of my life have to do with my parents?”

She sat back calmly in her chair and crossed her hands over her knees. “The psyche of the mind will sometimes be black and white where all things are connected from points A to B and make sense. However, there are other times when one of the lines goes askew and ends up in a random area, affecting more than we realize. Your issues with your accident and that night appear to be related to the way you and your parents react to one another. Until the smaller issues are corrected, the other aspects of your life will remain problematic. You could also call it a domino effect. One domino fell out of line in your life, causing more to fall out of line, so your life doesn’t flow smoothly, and until the set-up is corrected, nothing will run properly.”

I felt like I’d just gotten slapped upside the head. Everything seemed to make sense. I thought back on it and the two times in my life where my parents pulled away from me were right after the accident and after I had a run in with Barry. Our relationship has never been close since then.

I was silent when Jonathan leaned in, kissing my cheek. “It’s up to you, sweetie. You have my support, always, but you are the only one that can set your life straight. You have the power. I believe in you!”

I glanced over at Jocelyn, who was nodding. “Set yourself free, Grace.”

I didn’t know where to begin. “I don’t know how you both knew I was hiding something about that night with Barry. I feel ashamed to admit it, but there is more to the tale. I knew he drove us out to the field to have sex. I kept trying to find the right time to dump his ass, but wanted to wait until he got worked up and then kick him to the curb. I realize now that’d been a mistake and it was lighting the fuse to a stick of dynamite.”

My body began to shake. Jonathan surrounded me with his warmth and encouraged me to continue.

I could feel the tears fill my eyes. “He got worked up and while I told him I didn’t want to go further, he somehow managed to turn my body on, even though my mind said no. That’s when he hastened my breathing enough to where I passed out. When I came to, I was coming. Why the hell would my body orgasm?”

I felt Jonathan’s hand rubbing circles along my back as I wept into his chest. “Is there something wrong with me? Why, given the circumstances, would my body find enjoyment, when my mind didn’t want to? Am I a freak?”

Jocelyn shook her head. “Grace, you’re not a freak. Your body and mind can sometimes separate in dire circumstances.”

Okay, that made some sense.

“When you had relations a couple days earlier, did he take control over you?” Jonathan asked.

“He was kind of dominant, but more ordering me around than anything. Why?” Was he making some kind of point?

I watched as he re-read one of the paragraphs in my notebook. “How well did Barry tie up your arms?”

I shook my head and looked at him with puzzlement. “What does that have to do with anything?”

To my surprise, Jocelyn spoke up. “I think I see where he’s going with this. Please think back to how well your arms were tied.”

I closed my eyes and thought back to that night and suddenly visualized what I hadn’t seen before. I described how he’d had the one hand tied to the car door to secure me, but the way the knots and rope wrapped around my arms and secured me into place… “He was a dom?” I questioned, feeling a panic attack coming on.

My breathing was out of control. “Grace?” Jonathan was kneeling on the floor in front of me, both hands on my face, trying to force me to look at him.

“Look at me, now!” His dominant voice boomed, forcing my eyes to focus on him. “Now breathe in with me, hold it; now exhale. Again.” We did this for several minutes until my panic attack subsided.

“I don’t think Barry was a dominant, or we would’ve had problems early on with power exchange of dom/sub relationship. I think you had a bad run in with a poser.”

Jocelyn remained quiet until that point. “I agree. If he were a true dom, you would’ve had adverse reactions to the moment Jonathan pulled his first dominant act.”

I was confused. “What’s a poser?”

I looked between the two to see who’d answer when Jocelyn lifted her hand and deferred the matter to my fiancé.

“A poser is a dominant wannabe. In a dom/sub relationship, as you know, there is an exchange of power and control. The dominant’s job is to care for his sub and make sure all her needs are met and the dom gets off on giving pleasure to his sub. In many ways, the sub has the power because they can bring the scene to an end by saying, “No. Stop. Or safe wording.” When that happens the scene stops completely. A poser won’t stop. He wants ultimate power over the person he’s interested in. It doesn’t matter if the person he’s interested is hurting, scared, passed out, or whatever. They’re not satisfied until they get what they want, no matter how much pain or scars they inflict, whether physical or mental.”

“So he was a poser?” I questioned.

Both of them nodded. “I’d almost bet on it.” Jonathan admitted.

That left me more confused than ever. “But why was I getting turned on? How was he making me come? Shouldn’t my body have shut down?”

No one answered until Jocelyn stated, “It’s okay to speak openly about sex here. Anything we discuss will not leave this room. I may be a psychiatrist, but I’ve had my share of experiences with my late husband, my Sir, too.” She seemed to blush a bit, regarding her admission.

Wow. Who’d have thought that Jocelyn? Well, to each their own, as the saying goes.

Jonathan spoke freely, still kneeling in front of me and cradling my face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away the tears as they streaked down. “You know how you’ve pushed my buttons a few times and I will either give you forced orgasms or deny you the ability to come?”

I nodded, but didn’t see where this was going. “So?”

His eyes were tender. “He knew enough about dominance to force your orgasms. You may think you came and enjoyed it, but if you know the right places to tweak, you can get anyone to orgasm on command.”

My voice was weak as I asked, “So I’m not a freak who enjoyed him?”

“No, honey, you’re not. You’re a wonderful woman who’s been dealt one bad blow after another in life and has come out stronger and more loving as a result. That’s why I love you so much.” He leaned forward and kissed me gently on the lips.

For the first time in forever, I felt one of the bands around my heart break and float away. My hands wrapped around his neck, holding him as close as possible. “Thank you.”

We sat there for a long time, just wrapped in each other’s arms, just absorbing the moment. Jocelyn was the first to break the quiet. “That was quite a break through. How are you feeling, Grace?”

“I somehow feel like a weight’s been lifted off my heart. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I thought I’d enjoyed Barry’s actions that night. I never wanted to admit it to anyone, fearing I would be considered damaged goods. But now it makes sense. I had no control over anything that happened, not even my orgasms.”

She nodded and then suggested, “Do you think that maybe your feelings of being damaged might’ve driven a wedge between you and your parents because of your perfectionist tendencies?” She paused. “You did write that you were afraid they’d think even less of you and your distance from them grew as a result of that night.”

“I admit I did keep them at arm’s length. I didn’t want them to know what happened. I already felt they thought less of me as a person because I was no longer their perfect daughter. Why did I need to give them another reason to look down on me? I was a sick-o who got off on her boyfriend taking advantage of her.”

“Is that what you think they’re doing?” she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Jonathan piped up. “You do tend to keep them at a distance. But I agree that your mom keeps insisting on everything being a certain way. Your dad seems to just go along with whatever.”

“This is interesting,” Jocelyn admitted, scribbling down a few lines on her notepad. “I think it’s time you confront your parents. It might not be pretty, but until you do, you will keep them at arm’s length and they’ll likely do the same with you. This is creating conflict between all of you and until you address it and resolve your issues, it may only escalate until you come to blows.”

“What will that serve? What if we only end up yelling at each other and walking out?” I wondered.