Learning to Live (12 page)

I appreciate Blaire’s offer, but it’s been a long day, and I just want
to be by myself. I tell her this after everyone is gone from the bar. I’m
sitting there about to call a cab for the ride home when Janet comes up
and sits across from me with two beers in hand.
“Hey, girly. This is on the house for a job well done this past
week.” She slides the beer to me, and even though I really don’t drink
beer, I take a sip.
“Thanks, Mrs. Janet.” I spin it on the table and take another sip
while trying not to gag. I hear Janet’s laugh and look at her wrinkled
face surrounded by cigarette smoke while she exhales.
“You don’t drink much, do you?” she asks and takes a long pull of
her beer.
I shake my head. “No, ma’am. I just don’t like being unable to
control my thoughts or actions.” I don’t want to tell her the real reason
is when Brad drank, he liked to use his fist on me. I don’t want to be
like that, and I’m sure everyone is different, but still
better safe than
sorry
.
“Well, I do drink, but I’m sure you already figured that out with
me running this bar.” She looks at me for a few minutes and says
softly, “It helps me not to miss him so damn much.” She finishes her
beer and lights another cigarette.
I sit there because I don’t want to pry, but I’m pretty sure she’s
talking about her deceased husband James. Blaire told me he had a
heart attack shortly after she and Benji started working there two years
ago.
After a few awkward minutes, she finally continues. “I could beat
his ass for leaving me with this bar and its debt. I probably need to
close shop and sell it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. He loved this
place, even though it killed him, and since we never had kids, this
place is our baby.” She breathes out and looks at me with tear-filled
eyes.
I know that look of anguish I see in her tired eyes; I look at it
every day in the mirror. I get up and hug her, even though I’m sure
she’ll push me away, but she doesn’t. She clings to me instead. I gently
rub her back in silence as she lets the tears fall, and I show her I
understand to an extent. Her loss might be different than mine, but it’s
a loss nonetheless.
She finally releases me, and I hand her a napkin so she can dry her
eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional, especially with you.
We really don’t know each other.” She clears her throat before she
continues, and I sit back in my chair. “You seem like you’ve got a
story too. Today was the anniversary of our opening, twenty years ago.
I just lost it.”
“It’s okay. I lost somebody I loved a few months ago, and I don’t
mind at all.” I won’t elaborate but I want her to know I’ve walked in
similar shoes. I stand and take our empty bottles to the trash. I hear her
light another cigarette as I start to tie off the last trash load to take out
to the dumpster.
“Why don’t you take tomorrow night off so you can hang out with
your friends?”
Smiling from the offer I decline,“I really need the money for my
trip next weekend, but I appreciate it. Besides, since I don’t drink I
would rather be behind the bar. Blaire and Benji will be onstage, so
you’ll need the help.” I go to take out the trash, and when I come back,
she’s locking up her office and turning off the lights.
“Okay, but let me at least drive you back to your dorm.” Since I
don’t want to waste money on a cab, I nod my head and we walk out
the door.

I sleep in the next day and Jazz strolls in around one in the
afternoon and immediately goes back to sleep beside me on my bed.
She’s become a major part of my life in the short time I’ve known her.
Maybe this is what having a sister is like and maybe I will eventually
have a family to provide this feeling of being wanted. I love that
feeling.

Later that night, just as I’m about to head out the door, she says
she has plans to work on her project from Professor Wallace’s class, so
she won’t be there tonight. Not wanting to be nosy, I head to work and
have Chris behind the bar with me. He’s quiet but nice, so I don’t mind
working with him.

Blaire and Benji approach the stage around ten-thirty, and I am so
eager to see them perform, I feel my excitement build up. A permanent
smile is plastered on my face. Blaire sits at the black grand piano with
her beautiful red hair pulled up and her back ramrod-straight, and
Benji sits on the stool with his guitar and hooks it to an amp. They call
themselves “The Silver BB” and it fits their indie rock sound. They
start off with Blaire singing
Skinny Love
, and it sounds like Birdy’s
version. Her voice is soulful and carries far, even though it’s soft. She
gives me chills with the emotion she pours into every verse.

Next, Blaire stands in front of a keyboard so she can add drums as
well as the piano sound. This time Benji sings, and I get flushed
hearing his voice because it’s smooth, sexy, and mysterious all at once.
He adds so much personality to every lyric from anger to something
purely sexual. The females eat it up like candy, and I can’t help but
laugh while I think of him wearing glasses just to get girls. I think it’s
just him that causes girls to go crazy. He catches me staring and winks,
so I turn around and continue to work. After a few well known songs
they do a few of their own, and I have to admit they are really good. I
even notice people singing along in the crowd. I finally recognize their
next song is
Crystallized
by the XX, and I can’t help but dance to the
beat with its upbeat lyrics and catchy rhythm.

I don’t notice Jax watching until I turn around and see his smile. I
smile back because I’m in a great mood, and I tell myself it’s not
because of his beautiful smile or that cute dimple. “They’re good,
huh?” I yell over the music.

Jax nods his head and continues to smile. “What?” I ask, feeling
stupid because he has yet to speak. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“I just like seeing you smile and happy. It’s beautiful to watch.”
I’m speechless as my face falls. Until recently, no one cared about
me enough to make me happy, besides Ms. Freeman, and it catches me
off guard. Plus, he called my smile beautiful, and that stupid flutter is
back in full force. I quickly change the subject. “What can I get you to
drink?”
“Nothing. Jazz sent me to get you because she said she was busy
and couldn’t make it.” He holds up his hand when I’m about to decline
the offer. “Look, I won’t do anything or kiss you again. I promise.” He
sees the uncertainty on my face and continues with fierce honestly
dripping from his voice.“You can trust me, Trudy.”
He doesn’t understand though. I don’t trust myself. If it was
anyone other than him I’d be fine, but for some reason he has
captivated all my thoughts since we’ve met. After an internal debate, I
give in. Because with that last thought, I realize I do trust him, more
than anybody else I’ve met. “Okay. I still have a few hours before my
shift ends.”
“I don’t mind waiting for you, Trudy. Take all the time you need.”
He says those words with command in his voice and softness in his
brown eyes, I feel the bricks of the walls I’d built shift. However,
instead of straightening them, I allow a few to fall.
After a few hours of constantly being reminded of beautiful brown
and gold eyes on me throughout the night, I am finally cut. I tell Benji
and Blaire how awesome they were as I hug them goodbye. I grab my
bag and tips for the night then walk over to Jax, who is laughing with
some guys I don’t recognize. I see the way is face lights up, and I feel
my breath hitch and heart beat rapidly against my chest. He’s so
handsome.
“Hey, Tru. These are some guys from my team.” He introduces me
and I wave in their direction.
“Oh shit,” one guy with auburn hair says. “You’re the girl Ashton
threw her drink all over yesterday.”
My face turns red and I can feel the heat rising. This guy just told
Jax about that embarrassing moment that I wanted to forget.
“What?” Jax looks at me with a questioning stare and I can tell
he’s pissed as his jaw clenches together. “Did she do that, Tru?” He
holds my stare while waiting for my answer.
I don’t need him thinking he has to rescue me all the time. He
needs to learn that I can fight my own battles, so I shrug my shoulder
and swallow down my embarrassment. “It’s no big deal. If she wants
to act childish, let her. I’m not worried about it, so you shouldn’t be
either.” I turn to the guys. “It was nice meeting you, but I have to get
up early tomorrow.” I turn to Jax and ask if he is ready.
“Yeah,” he says curtly as he waves to the guys and leads me out of
the building, placing his hand on the small of my back. I have a feeling
this conversation is far from over, but when we get into his Jeep, he
doesn’t say anything to me about it. Instead, he asks, “Are you excited
about this weekend?”
Thankful for the subject change, I answer, “Yes.” The thought of
seeing and feeling the ocean for the first time has me excited so I
smile. “I’ve only seen the ocean on TV or magazines. Hearing the way
Jazz describes Pensacola makes me wish we were leaving tomorrow.”
“It’s beautiful and there are tons of things to do. Plus you get to
meet the best man around town,” he says, smiling while we’re stopped
at a red light.
“Really? Who’s that?” I give him a confused look since I’m not
sure who he’s talking about.
“My brother, Cohen, of course.” I can hear the love when he says
his brother’s name. All children should be loved like that no matter
who they are.
I smile at him because his is so infectious. “He’s about to be four.
I hardly think he can be considered a man yet.”
“Don’t tell him that because he truly believes he’s going to be able
to get his license after his party so he can drive. He’s always wanted to
be older than he really is. In fact, one time last year my whole family
came to my game and Cohen wanted to check out the locker rooms, so
I take him back there and he meets the team. After a few minutes I
notice that he’s looking around by all the lockers, so I ask him what
he’s looking for. You know what he tells me?”
“What?” I ask. I can just picture this little boy that I have only
seen a picture of doing what he’s saying.
“He looks at me then at David and says that he’s looking for his
glove so he can teach us how to play the right way.” He bursts into
laughter and I follow suit.
I wipe the moisture from my eyes and we fall silent. After a few
minutes he asks me, “What do you want to do while at the beach?”
It only takes me a second to answer because I already know.
“Build a sand castle.” I sit and wait for him to laugh. When he doesn’t,
I continue. “I know it sounds stupid, but for someone who’s never
done it before it seems so cool. To create something beautiful out of
nothing like that.”
“Well, you’re in luck because you are looking at the best sand
castle builder to ever live.” There’s that dimple again.
“No way! You’ve got to be joking.”
“Well, it’s a hidden talent that only special people can witness. For
someone like you, I’m willing to show the world.”
“I don’t know if I believe you, but if you say so, I guess we’ll find
out next week.” I notice we’re outside my dorm and the flutter is back.
I should just jump out of this Jeep and run inside. That seems rude
though, and I need to tell him thanks for bringing me home.
I turn around and he’s not there. I see him come around to my
door and open it for me. I’m speechless for a few seconds, then I
finally take his offered hand and jump out of the Jeep. “Thanks for the
ride, Jaxon.”
“Believe me when I say the past fifteen minutes with you was the
most fun I’ve had in a long time, if ever.” He continues to hold my
hand until he gets me in front of the door so I swipe my card and press
my code to enter.
I glance up and he looks like he wants to say something else, but
he doesn’t. He turns on his heel and walks toward his truck. I’m
disappointed for some stupid reason because deep down I wanted him
to kiss me again, but I know I shouldn’t.
When I’m about to turn around and go inside he calls my name.
“Tru?” He’s about to open his door, but instead he stands there staring
at me.
“Yeah?” I ask with hesitancy because he sounds so serious all the
sudden when moments ago we were laughing.
“I just want you to know that whatever happens in life helps make
us who we’re meant to be and leads us to people we’re meant to
meet.” And with those words, he gets in his Jeep and pulls away.
I walk to my room and grab my things for a shower. As I get in
and the hot water runs down my body, I think over Jax’s words. I can’t
deny this strong attraction or how I trust him so freely, but I’m not
ready to give myself up again. Deep down, I don’t think he’ll be like
Brad. But am I brave enough to take the chance and find out? As I
scrub down to remove the stench of beer, cigarettes, and sweat, my
hand rubs my stomach, remembering my son. I feel the scar from the
emergency C-section they had to perform because of my punctured
liver and think back.