Learning to Heal (6 page)

Grabbing a box, I follow David up the stairs as he rambles on about some redhead he hooked up with over the weekend. Even though I couldn’t care less, I nod my head while trying to analyze all of this visit’s possible outcomes. Picturing Jazz in my mind eases my nerves some and makes this easier. I know she told me to confess to everyone the truth, and as tempting as that might be, I refuse to do it. My anger starts to escalate, and I feel my blood start rushing in my brain whenever I think of some piece of shit touching her then leaving her on her own.

“Calm the fuck down, dude. Don’t go in there looking for trouble.”

David’s right. Even though my anger isn’t directed toward Jax I can’t say differently without giving away the truth. “Yeah, sorry.”

We reach the door and David knocks loudly. I hear a movement on the other side before Tru opens up with a smile. It falls however when she sees me standing there and I feel like shit.

“Mason.” Her voice is strained as she looks around awkwardly. “Come in.” She turns to David and gives him an evil look, most likely because I’ve showed up unannounced.

David pushes his way in with the box he came downstairs for and places it on the bar. He sees me standing in the small entryway with my hands in my pockets not knowing what the hell to do now and decided to yell so the whole building can hear. “Hey, pussy. Grow a penis and get in here.”

Taking a deep breath, I walk in his direction because he seems to be my only ally at the moment. He might be a dickhead at times, but he’s a good friend when needed. And I definitely need him now. Before I get to him Jax comes out of the hallway and stops when he sees me.“Mason? What the fuck are you doing here?” His eyes narrow as he stands there. I can practically see the image of him ripping my head off my neck reflecting in his glare.

“I need to speak to you.” My voice is surprisingly steady and my eyes remain on him. When it comes to his sister I’m more than serious. I’m also determined. She seems to make me more without knowing it. Braver. Happier. Just more than I was before her. I guess love is the ultimate super power because I’d take on the world just to make her happy. And facing her brother and my friend feels like I’m facing the world.

His brow furrows while he eyes me up and down for a few seconds. Finally, he nods and turns back down the hall without a word.

I follow behind and pass Tru, who’s sitting on the couch unpacking. She actually smiles softly before she continues what she’s doing. Maybe that’s a good sign that today will go well. Maybe I won’t get a busted lip this round. I walk into the room and shut the door behind me, ready for whatever he wants to dish out. It’s now or never. “I love her.”

That’s the first time I’ve admitted my feelings for Jazz out loud and it feels good … natural, like I’m meant to say it. I want to shout it to the world at times, but then I remember that she doesn’t love me in return so I restrain myself. He still has his back toward me and I can tell he’s tense. “I won’t let her go through this alone, Jax. I only want what’s best for her.”

After a few seconds of silence, interrupted only by his breathing, he finally speaks. “You want what’s best for her?” I’m about to say yes, regardless of his angered question, but he continues. “What’s best for her is not to be pregnant at nineteen fucking years old or ever for that matter. What’s best for her is to stay away from assholes like you who are unable to keep your pants up.” He finally turns his eyes on me. Instead of the anger that matches his voice, I only see sorrow. “Do you realize what this means?”

I feel like I’m missing something, but since I’m not sure what it is exactly, I repeat my earlier statement. “I’ll take care of her, Jax. I won’t let any harm come to her and promise to make her happy.”

He just stares at me for a second with confused eyes. Then he starts laughing, but it’s not a joyful sound. “You have no fucking clue, do you? Do you even know my sister? How can you love her and not know a damn thing about her?”

“What the hell are you talking about, Jax? I know her and love everything about her.”

“Then you’re fucking stupid. Can’t you see what this pregnancy means for her health? Her heart?”

Her heart? I feel bewildered by his rambling. Letting my brain drift back to the first time I met Jazz, a bad feeling settles in my gut. When the puzzle pieces fall into place I feel lightheaded and sick. Her heart. Her two open heart surgeries she had before her third birthday. I lean against the door behind me before I collapse from shock. Sticking my head between my knees, I try and remember to breathe.
Just breathe, Mason. It’s going to be all right.
 

“So that brain decided to wake the hell up I see.” Glancing up, I watch him sit on the bed. The look of anger and sadness on his face must match my own.

Then my mind is on Jazz—her beautiful smiling face that looks so healthy; the mole resting on her left collarbone that I’ve pictured kissing every night for months; the sound of her husky voice that causes chills to surface all over my body; her contagious laughter. I love everything about her and knowing that child is a part of this woman causes me to love him or her just as much. Then I’m visualizing her pale skin after those couple of dances at Jay Jay’s that first night, and the dark circles under her eyes. She has been tired and sleeping more than usual. Is the pregnancy already causing problems for her? If so, how do I make it better?

I finally take a breath after a minute and look toward Jax, who’s resting his head in his hands. “What’s going to happen to her?”

He looks up and shrugs. “I have no goddamn clue. Every case is different.” He heaves a sigh while I just sit and lean my head against the door. “You really had no clue that pregnancy is bad for her heart, did you?”

“No. I never want anything bad to happen to Jazz. I don’t know what my life would be if it did.” I run my hand down my face and notice I’m sweating.

Jax is watching me with a defeated look. “Look, Mason, I know you care for my sister. It’s obvious to everyone. I also know from the way you look right now, you had no clue what had us all upset Thursday. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her pregnant, regardless of her health. Then again, she’s almost nineteen and not really a kid anymore, so her being sexually active is something I have to deal with. However, it has to do with her health more so than her being so young.”

Feeling restless, I stand up quickly. Pacing in front of Jax is the only way to keep myself from walking out that door and running to her class. I run my hands in my hair trying to think of a way to fix this but nothing comes to mind. Desperation radiates from my every pore. I look at Jax and remember he’s planning on becoming a cardiologist. He’ll know what to do. “Shit, Jax. What do we do?”

He shrugs. “Nothing. It’s her choice and I know my sister. She’ll go through it no matter what. We just need to watch her. Make sure she doesn’t get too stressed or exert too much energy.” He comes and stands in front of me. “Mason, we’re friends so I’m glad Jazz has you instead of some fucker who would use her. I hope you know what you’re getting into, though. She was a handful before pregnancy so I can only imagine her hormonal.” He gives a small laugh and tries to lighten the mood.

I force a smile, desperate to feel better, but I still feel as though I might pull my hair out if I don’t see Jazz soon. I leave a few minutes later and head to her dorm even though she’s not there yet. I’ll wait until she’s done with her classes. As much as I want to talk with her about her health, I won’t. I know Jazz. She’ll hate me constantly hovering so I’ll just discreetly keep my eye on her.

I lie on my bed fighting another bout of nausea when there’s a knock on my door. I feel like shit and hate moving my body, but I know it’s probably Mason and he’s been relentless lately.
Ugh! Why won’t this kid keep the food down?
 

When I hear the knock again I finally make myself get out of bed. “Hold on. Sweet Jesus, Mason, I just need to make you a stinkin’ key.” I grumble the whole way to the door while trying to get my heavy feet to cooperate. When I finally pull it open, my complaining stops because the last person I expected stands in front of me. “Tru?”

We haven’t seen or talked in a week, and I’ve missed her so damn much. I want to cry and jump for joy at the same time, but I’m still too weak from throwing up a few minutes ago.

She gives me a small smile, and I automatically hate the awkwardness that has invaded our relationship. “Hey.”

Oh screw being weak. I walk up to her as tears blur my vision and grab her into a hug and wail like my dog was just ran over. “Oh my God, Tru.” I sniffle and blubber into her shoulder. I don’t care because my sister is back. “I missed you so much and I’m sorry for making you mad. I’m sorry for your disappointment.”

She pats my back and I notice she’s crying too. “No, Jazz. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a selfish bitch instead of the friend you needed. I’m sorry for not checking on you or texting you back.” She pulls me away and looks into my eyes that I’m sure match her red, leaky ones. “Most of all I’m sorry for being jealous instead of happy for you.”

That catches me off guard. “What?” I wipe my eyes and snotty nose with the back of my hand. “What do you mean?” I look over Tru’s shoulder and see a few girls watching from the hallway. “Excuse me, don’t be so fucking nosy. If we wanted an audience, we would have sold goddamn tickets. Now move along.” I shoo them away with my hand like they’re rodents and ignore the eye rolls.

Tru starts laughing and grabs my arm to lead me into the room. “I see you haven’t lost your people skills.”

I sit on my bed and pat the space beside me. “Well, my God. Bitches are so nosy.”

She sits down beside me Indian style while wiping her eyes. It reminds me of all those times we’d chat about stupid shit all night long. Well, I did the talking most of the time. “Our rooms are known for the drama. Of course they watch for it. Who needs reality TV if it’s next door—live?”

After we compose ourselves enough to talk, we still remain silent. Where do we start? Tru must feel the same way, but instead of thinking about it, she actually starts the conversation.

“So, like I said, Jazz, I’m so sorry for not being here for you. Knowing I should have been, but not able to get past my own feelings is my only excuse. I was so taken aback at first because you are my friend and never mentioned anything. But the main reason was because I was jealous.”

“Jealous? Why be jealous of becoming a walking vomit dispenser. I can’t keep anything down and certain smells just ruin my day. My bladder is getting more action than I am and it ruins my sleep.” I feel my tears start again and curse the hormones. “Geez, Tru! I can’t stop fucking crying either. I’m either puking, peeing, or crying. So either way something’s always being expelled from my body.”

Tru reaches for my hand and squeezes. “Because, Jazz, I want another baby so bad sometimes.”

“Another baby?” My voice rises a few decibels, and I’m sure the nosy bitches love it. I continue in a whisper. “What are you talking about?”

She wipes her eyes and nods. “I had a son last February. He didn’t make it because he was too small. It hasn’t been easy, and until I met Jax and your family, I thought I was going to drown in my grief. I miss him all the time and would love to hold him again. And even though it’s better, it’s still there. That emptiness.”

Now I understand why she was jealous and my heart hurts for her. “I’m so sorry, Tru. I didn’t mean to get pregnant. I promise. I wasn’t trying to hurt you in any way. God, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” I reach over and give her a hug. It’s all I can do for her and I hope it helps, even just a little bit. To be alone with no one to help? Wow! She is way stronger than most people. I would have crumbled into nothing. Now I feel selfish for complaining about something she’d love to be going through again. Why must I always be selfish?