Learning to Cry (9 page)

Sarah played out her idea for Melissa, and they both excitedly agreed on a plan. They didn’t see anyone moving anywhere in the pool area or even in the parking lot. It seemed the only activity occurring was the infiltration of pale large-bodied tourists that were swarming the beach in a non-stop ant-like flow. If they were ever going to find the nerve to sneak in and take a swim, now would be the ideal time.

They got close to the chain link, waist-high fence, and Sarah made her leap. Unfortunately, she caught her shoe string at the top, scraped her leg, and lost her footing as she ended up going over head first. The wine coolers seemed to be having an effect on both of them at this point. Melissa stood watching her, continually repeating “Hey, I thought I was going first.”

As she looked around, she noticed the open gate and walked over making her way through it. Melissa was laughing at Sarah as she lay on the concrete slightly scared but rolling back and forth. She was enjoying watching her friend’s clumsiness.

Well, at least they were in, and that was all that counted, really. They took off their clothes and both stood in their swimsuits staring at the inviting pool. Sarah took a running start, curled up in a ball mid-air, then plunged into the pool full force. Melissa quickly followed suit in the same fashion, barely missing Sarah’s head as she catapulted forward making a huge splash upon impact. They had sealed the deal and were now criminals. It didn’t seem like they were criminals. As crimes go, it was rather innocent, but it added a level of excitement to the scenario.

They splashed each other as they chased around the small pool, not taking the time to notice much around them. As most teenagers go, they were as self-absorbed as they come. It was only with a shrill high-pitched screaming cry, hurtled through the air by Melissa, that broke their playful bantering. She saw a boy in uniform staring at them from the side of the pool, and it completely startled her.

He had full blonde curls with sandy brown streaks, wore white pants with a blue-and-white striped shirt. His clothes made him look like a sailor. He just stood, stoically watching them as a slight frown formed on his face. He was very tan, looking to be in the 16 to 17 year old range. He was absolutely, totally, and completely smoking hot. As Melissa’s scream started to tail off, she began the process of closing her mouth. She then noticed the name tag located on his chest and said the word “Tony” out loud.

He smiled at her now and nodded his head in her direction. “Yes,” he said. “My name is Tony. I work for the hotel cleaning pools, and my guess is that you two ladies are not currently guests. I know most of our guests, and I don’t remember you two being among them.”

He had barely gotten the words out of his mouth when Melissa responded that he was incorrect. Yes, not only were they customers, but their parents would be extremely upset if they were caught talking to a strange boy. It might be best if he left them alone. She was not sure, but she thought she might be slurring her words as they came out of her mouth. Damn wine coolers.

Lying came so easy to Melissa. The words flowed out fluidly at times before she realized what she was even saying. She knew that it was wrong to lie, but they just came out so naturally that she sometimes felt she was not the one in control of her own speech. Sarah had stopped splashing and now just stood staring, moving her head back and forth between Melissa and Tony. Their eyes were locked in a battle of wills. She only paused to admire Tony and how gorgeous he was. “They really shouldn’t make guys that cute,” she thought to herself. It just wasn’t fair.

Tony started laughing now as the girls remained in the pool, not backing down from this recent confrontation. Who would win this battle of wills? Once Melissa began a lie she always followed it through to completion. She would argue her lie as the truth until she was backed into a corner and had no other choice but to confess or she convinced the other party that she was right. The fact that he was laughing, though, was throwing her off. She finally yelled at him to stop and asked him what could possibly be so funny.

He was bent over, holding his stomach laughing so hard and pointing in their direction. This was really starting to annoy Melissa, and she was reaching a point where she had about enough of this obnoxious boy, no matter how damn cute he might be.

He finally stopped long enough to say “Don’t you even want to know how I am 100 percent sure that you are not guests at this hotel? Do you want me to tell you how I know for a fact that you are lying?”

“Fine,” Melissa yelled back at him. “Go ahead, and let us in on your little funny joke, Mr. Tony.”

Tony pointed back at the glass door, leading into the hotel hallway and said “Do you see that note there on the door. That piece of paper that is taped.” Melissa nodded in acknowledgment. She did, indeed, see the piece of paper.

“Well,” Tony said, “On the other side of that paper, facing the inside of the hotel for all guests to see before they enter the pool is a warning. A warning that simply states, there was a 2-year-old baby that pooped and peed in the pool this morning. Please refrain from swimming as we are in the process of cleaning up the pool and reestablishing chemical safety levels.”

“So,” Tony said, “No guests at our hotel are or would swim in this pool. You are basically swimming in the urine and excrement from a baby, and it occurred less than 30 minutes ago.”

With that he started laughing again making no attempt to control himself. Melissa felt a nauseated feeling welling up inside her. From the corner of her eye she saw Sarah who was screaming at the top of her lungs, heading for the stairs as fast as she could possibly move. Melissa then followed as she too only wanted to get out of the water before she puked all over herself in this pool of urine.

OMG, she couldn’t think about it anymore or she surely would find herself getting sick. This might be the most disgusting way to start a summer that she could possibly think of. Tony was still laughing. She swore if he hadn’t stopped by the time she got out she was going to ball up her fist and hit him square in the stomach. How could he think this was funny? Sarah was now out of the water, and she was jumping up and down like she was jogging in place. Tony walked around the edge, saying he hoped they enjoyed the rest of the day, but he had one last thing to show them.

Melissa was now out of the water, her face red with anger and embarrassment. She continued to stare at this boy who had just changed the focus of their morning. All she could think about was getting home and taking a shower as quickly as possible. She felt so unclean and swore that her skin was turning yellow. Tony was on his way back, and held the piece of paper from the door that he must have taken down. She guessed he was returning to rub their faces even more in the stupidity of their recent actions.

He handed the paper to Sarah, said again that he hoped they had a nice day and headed back inside. Sarah looked at the paper and seemed confused. Her eyes were rolling in multiple directions at once. Melissa was unsure if she was going to faint or if she was losing her focus on reality. What the hell was wrong with her? Sarah handed the paper over to Melissa, and she read the bold typed words clearly stating: TOWELS FOR THE POOL CAN BE LOCATED IN THE OUTSIDE CLOSET TO THE LEFT OF THE DOOR.

Melissa raised her head and saw for now the second time Tony doubled over in laughter, just outside the door to the hotel pointing at them.

“You guys are too much,” she heard him say, as he entered the door and headed inside. She could hear him continue to laugh as the sound slowly faded into the background. OMG, he had lied to them. He had made that crap up just to mess with them, and they had fallen for it. What was wrong with him?

The two girls quickly gathered their clothes, putting their shorts on over their bottoms and walked through the gate to the path heading back down to the beach. There was no way they could stay there. Tony periodically poked his head out laughing at them for being so stupid as to actually believe what he had said. With every step they took the mood lightened. They eventually began laughing at what had occurred, as well.

Melissa was happy that she had not thrown up in the pool only to find out she was getting sick for nothing. She was laughing so hard she could barely get the words out, explaining how close she had been to vomiting. Sarah only remembered screaming at the top of her lungs. She felt sure that everyone in El Granada had heard her. The two of them would probably be on the front cover of the Half Moon Bay Review for being the stupidest two girls on the coast.

Headlines: “Two girls that will believe anything anyone tells them get punked by gorgeous blonde beach boy who works at the beachfront hotel.” Wouldn’t that be a great story? They laughed some more as they headed in the general direction of Sarah’s house. The rest of the day they walked around the streets, eating lunch at Sarah’s, not really doing anything else significant. It might have been humiliating, but at least they had fun and now could say they had done something memorable.

It would be difficult to top this mini-adventure. As Melissa walked up the hill to her house she decided she would put all her focus in making sure that she found something that would make this look small. She didn’t know what it was, but she would not be waiting long to find out.

Melissa

It had been two weeks since the swimming pool incident. Melissa had been bored beyond belief dealing with her mother, sisters, and father. She was visiting him periodically now, but still felt the stinging betrayal behind his leaving her and the family. She didn’t really care that much about any of them which only added guilt to her already burdened mind. She slept late, stayed up even later, and watched a slew of mindless TV shows, which seemed to be the only focus of her attention.

Sarah woke her up that morning with a phone call on her overly used cell phone, but she was too groggy to pay much attention to what she was hearing. She was extremely excited about something and insisted that Melissa call her back as soon as she woke up enough to coherently hold a conversation. Thirty minutes passed, and Melissa felt she was now sufficiently cognizant to engage in a meaningful discussion. So, she made the call.

Sarah was beside herself with excitement. Tonight at midnight there were several boys and girls gathering down at the beach, and there was going to be music. Somebody was bringing beer and coolers, and there was talk of even starting a campfire. Sarah was so excited about the concept that she was almost unable to discuss it without screaming into the phone. Mike was going to be there, as well, and Sarah had a huge crush on Mike. She would do almost anything to see him. Mike was 16 and going to be a sophomore in high school.

Sarah also knew that Tony would be there, and as she guessed, this peaked Melissa’s interest quite effectively. Melissa spent the last couple of weeks fantasizing about Tony, writing his name on all her notebooks, replacing boy’s names in songs with his, and, overall, dreaming of what he must be like. He had definitely humiliated Sarah and her in the swimming pool, but they had deserved it. He had not really done anything harmful. Melissa guaranteed that she would be there.

The plan was for Melissa to sneak out – which would be easy to do – around 11 p.m., walk down to Sarah’s house, then tap on her window. Then they would both walk together to the beach. Melissa had snuck out a couple of times before from her bedroom and never had to worry much about getting caught. All three girls’ rooms were on one end of the house, and her mother’s bedroom was all the way on the opposite end. With her mother being so old, she went to bed early.

In reality her parents were not really that old but to a teenager anyone over the age of 20 seems ancient. Melissa’s mother had a routine of coming home, throwing together a meal from whatever box happened to be handy, and after the entire 30 minutes spent on cooking, eating and cleaning, locked herself in her room with “Friends.” She was obsessed with the show. There was rarely a night that went by without her watching several episodes. Melissa and her sisters enjoyed it, as well, but after 20 repeats of every episode there was only so much a person could take.

Melissa could most likely sneak out any time past 7 p.m., and her mother would probably never even notice. She went through the normal routine that evening, making a little more small talk than normal, trying to seem engaged. Her mind kept wandering back to Tony and his gorgeous, flowing blond hair. She felt herself growing more and more anxious in anticipation of what the night might entail. By 10 p.m. the house had grown very quiet, and Melissa pretended to go and get a glass of water. She was actually checking everything out, ensuring the house was all fast asleep.

She waited until 11 p.m. as instructed, pushed open her window, and slid down the side of the wall, holding onto the little tree by her window in the process. Her window was only about five feet off the ground, but when jumping out of it, the height seemed quite a bit higher. She made it out with no issues. She, then, picked her way in the dark down the side of the house to the road and walked on the sidewalk the short distance to Sarah’s. It was amazing how little you could see in the night when the sun went down at times. Thankfully, there were no issues with her exit, and she excitedly wondered what Tony would be wearing. Maybe he had been thinking of her as much as she had been thinking of him.

Tony was going to be a junior. He and his family moved to the coast from Atlanta a few years ago. His dad was transferred to the Bay Area for some promotion or something. He had two little sisters, but they were both much younger and in grade school. Melissa didn’t know either one of them since they were both so small. She had never even seen Tony around before that fateful day when he humiliated her at the pool.

Melissa made it to Sarah’s house uneventfully, although she found herself ducking behind a bush or a tree every time a car passed. She felt like a spy as she stalked her way up to Sarah’s window and lightly tapped on the glass as was her designated signal. Sarah must have been waiting right next to the shades. After Melissa did her first tap the blinds flew open, and Melissa screamed at the top of her lungs, falling backwards as she did so. Sarah laughed and shushed her as Melissa picked herself off the ground.

“Are you insane?” Melissa whispered. “You could have given me a heart attack.” Sarah acknowledged that she was excited.  She had waited patiently for the last half-hour, fully dressed in anticipation of Melissa’s arrival. They both gathered themselves together and, giggling and laughing, made their way to the beach. The party was waiting for them and was, hopefully, gearing up full steam.

It was funny how they were both wearing mini-skirts and halter tops with sandals without discussing what the other’s outfit might be ahead of time. It was still so warm outside it just seemed like the right form of party wear for the evening they had planned. Sarah had gotten four more coolers, so they drank them on the way to the beach feeling invulnerable and ready to conquer the world. They were getting accustomed to drinking coolers at this point in their young lives.

There were approximately 10 people already gathered at the big rock on surfer’s beach. They were huddled around in the dark, each having brought a few drinks of beer or rum and some coolers. Melissa’s exposure to alcohol was still limited, but with the quick disappointment of Tony not being there, she felt it didn’t really matter. She tried whatever anyone happened to pass her way. The rum she drank burned her throat as she swallowed. She remembered her dad’s Scotch, wondering how in the world he ever managed to drink that stuff without any soda or anything.

She was really beginning to feel light-headed, and then on top of everything, Tony finally showed up. The crowd had grown to about 20 kids, and they were strewn about the beach in three clusters talking and drinking. Sarah and Mike were off by themselves, rolling in the sand making out. Melissa never understood what Sarah saw in Mike, but then again, Sarah was not Miss Teen Universe. Maybe they made a good couple. Who knew?

Tony saw Melissa and recognized her immediately as he started laughing, grabbing his friend’s arm as he walked her way. This made Melissa angry, and she was unsure if she wanted to even talk to this guy. He really was being a jerk.

He strutted over, looking directly at her and simply said, “Sorry about the other day. I was just having some fun with you and your friend. It seemed harmless at the time. I didn’t want to offend you. You seem pretty cool.”

Melissa said, “No problem,” and started off the new part of the evening, getting to know Tony.

He was so dreamy she had trouble hearing the words as his soft lips moved while he talked to her, or his friend, or the group they were sitting with. He was next to her, though, and she had noticed how he moved his friend aside when they started to sit down. Melissa could no longer remember how many drinks she’d swallowed, but she did know she was feeling very strange. Her head seemed to roll with the gusts of wind that burst through the air in unison with the ocean waves. How lucky they were to live so close to the sandy beaches with salt-filled air sprayed by the water wafting upwards so near their little party.

Tony pulled two joints out of his pocket and offered them to everyone, lighting the first and taking a long hit himself. When he finished he passed it to Melissa. Melissa was still a novice pot smoker, and she found herself getting more and more out of control from the alcohol. She inhaled deeply, sucking in the smoke through the non-filtered leaves and felt the searing heat burning as it penetrated her throat and lungs.

She started coughing heavily, gasping for breath as she dropped the burning joint in the sand and rolled over, hitting the solid ground with her fist feeling like she was going to vomit. She couldn’t stop the coughing as she continued to hack, trying desperately to catch her breath. Tony rolled over in the sand, laughing with his friend, pointing in her direction as they grabbed each other. Melissa pushed herself to her feet, and she shakily walked away from the group.

It didn’t matter where she went, she just needed to stop the coughing. Her head was circling, spinning like a yo-yo that is in never ending motion. She looked back, and Tony was following her. He still seemed to be laughing. She was not going to make it much farther, so she sat down and in doing so fell backwards on the sand. He approached her not saying anything and slid down next to her.

Little girls’ fantasies are never really matched closely with reality. They fantasize about how things might end up, how life might be if things were perfect. Maybe this is why so many girls dream of their wedding day. The day that they find Prince Charming. He rides in on his white horse and lifts them away to his castle, where they both live happily ever after. Melissa wondered if happily ever after was real. Would she ever feel that wonderful? Maybe that was why she loved movies so much. The fantasy of how life might end up if everything possible worked out in the end.

Melissa voluntarily lost her virginity that night, as voluntarily as one on drugs and alcohol might. It wasn’t what she anticipated, and she was left alone once it was over. She sat on the beach, crying, looking out at the ocean, wondering why her life had ended up the way it did. Was it something she had done? Did she somehow attract bad people, or was she attracted to the bad crowd? What even defined a bad person?

She sat, crying to herself, picking up her clothes, and finally attempted to stand up. At that point, she vomited, dropping down to her hands and knees, gagging as she tried to control herself. It seemed to last for hours until she finally heard Sarah calling her name and running on the beach towards her. Sarah reached her and helped her put her clothes on. Melissa just couldn’t stop crying. Sarah asked if she wanted her to call somebody or do something but Melissa said no.

She just wanted to go home. Home to her bed. Curl up and remember what it was like being that little girl. She didn’t want to think about anything anymore. She had thought too much, and she just wanted to sleep.

They stumbled back to Sarah’s, and Melissa went on alone from there. She assured Sarah that she would be fine walking up the hill. It would take her a while since she still felt so nauseated, but she would be okay. Her big night was over. The party was nothing like she thought it would be, yet her life was nothing like she thought it would be either. Nothing really seemed to matter anymore.

Father

I was to pick up the girls for the evening, and we were all going to the movies. We had not started the custody battle yet, so there was still no set schedule. It was a constant tug-of-war, trying to get them on any occasion at this point. Even when they agreed to come over it seemed as if Cheryl was tempting them with any form of activity or trinket to get them to stay. Cassandra was probably the lone exception. Maybe her age helped her make the transition easier than the other two.

Picking them up at the house was difficult lately. Melissa did not look well. It was tough trying to explain this to her in a positive way. It just didn’t look like she was taking care of herself. She was not participating in any activity, she wasn’t doing any sports, she seemed to just lie around the house. She slept a lot, watched TV, and ate junk food in her room. Every time I tried to bring up an alternative, it met with confrontation. Her favorite line of late was asking me who I thought I was. I had no right to control her life. I had no say in what she did. She lived with her mother.

This subsided a bit, but you could still sense the unhappiness in her. I think, as teenagers, you don’t realize how easy it is to sense someone’s feelings. Teenagers wear their emotions on their sleeves anyway. Your outward appearance and demeanor are nothing more than a reflection of your inner self with no age-created façade to hide behind.

In looking back I still struggle with decisions I made. It breaks my heart to think I let her slip away. Maybe it was me slipping away, and she was simply fighting for her own identity in a broken world. I am now so confused on who was right and who was wrong. I sit for hours just staring at the walls doing nothing more than writing about our past. Walls that don’t move. Walls that have no feeling or warmth. Maybe it was me who was the one lost in a world of obscurity.

I see her in my mind, lying there hoping that she will be ok. I imagine reaching out for her as I always do, but we can’t seem to ever connect. What are drugs and alcohol? Who invented them? Why are they a part of our social life? Will anything ever be the same?

To think I would never hold my children again. We would never be a family. By the time this debt is paid, where will they be? Who will they be? I was so close to having it all, and yet was I really? Is life worth living if you have lost everything? How can you ever see a future stifled by the constraints of your mistakes if those mistakes are fatally scarred into who you are? Everyone says learn from your past and move forward, but there are no longer any lessons in my life to be taught. I am not sure what I have could even be called a life.

I am crying again, as I so often do.

I cry all the time, for the daughter I once knew.