Learning (11 page)

A chorus of their voices responded almost in unison. “Love well … laugh often … and live for Christ.”

“Exactly.” She laughed at her own story. “You have one chance to get it right, Bailey. When it comes to your God … your family … your time on Broadway.” She allowed the dreamy look to return to her eyes. “And the man you fall in love with.”

“Good point.” Barbara looked thoughtfully at Bailey. “Are you in love yet, Miss Bailey?”

“Ummm …” She laughed, not ready for the question.

“Take your time, dear; it’s your turn.” Betty clearly didn’t want Bailey to feel flustered by the straightforward question.

Betty didn’t need to worry. Bailey liked this, being forced to think about her life … why she was here … and whether she was in love or not. This was a safe setting, a place where she could be honest and learn something along the way. “I’m Bailey, obviously.” She smiled so they could see she was relaxed. “I moved here a little more than a month ago — around the first of May. I’m the oldest of six kids, and the rest are all boys.”

Irma gasped. “Your poor mother … she must be a saint.” She smoothed the wrinkles in her wool skirt. “I had all girls. Four of them.”

“Sisters would’ve been great.” Bailey laughed. “But boys are a lot of fun, actually. I love having brothers.” The group weighed in on how much food boys ate and the blessing of having sons.

Irma raised her eyebrows as if she were offended. “Okay … so I missed that blessing.” She burst into a series of giggles. “Let’s just say I was blessed by missing the blessing of boys. Raising girls was heaven on earth.”

Bailey loved Irma’s spunk. But gradually the room turned its attention to her again and Bailey picked up where she left off. “My dad’s one of the football coaches for the Indianapolis Colts, and my brothers all play football.” She told them a little about each of the boys, including the fact that three of her brothers were adopted from Haiti.

“Well, I’ll be …” Irma sat back in her chair, not teasing for once. “Your mother really is a saint.”

Like she’d done before, Bailey explained that adopting the boys ten years earlier had been good for all of them. “It was crazy at first, but it was a family decision … and God has blessed us all
through it.” She told them about her part in
Hairspray,
and the role she’d played opposite Brandon Paul in
Unlocked.

“Brandon Paul!” Barbara slid to the edge of her seat, her eyes wide.
“The
Brandon Paul?”

“Yes.” Bailey giggled again. “I guess I was pretty vocal about my faith when we filmed the movie.” She paused, glad for the chance to remind herself. “Brandon became a Christian the last week on the set. My dad even baptized him.”

Another gasp from Irma. “I read about that! So that’s what happened!”

“See …” Sara nodded, her approving smile aimed at Bailey. “That’s what it means to be strong. Good girl, Bailey.”

She smiled and felt the heat in her cheeks. “It wasn’t me.”

“It never is.” Betty turned a kind look her way. “It’s always God in us, anytime we do any good at all.”

“So … that takes us back to the original question?” Barbara must’ve made a very good CEO. She had no trouble directing the conversation, and she did so with a clarity and gentleness that would’ve made her an easy leader to follow.

Bailey stifled another laugh and looked at her lap for a long moment. She wasn’t sure how much to say, but she could be honest with these women. Nothing she might say would ever make it beyond the four walls of the Kellers’ apartment. Bailey took a quick breath. “Well … Brandon and I talk a lot.”

“Brandon Paul?” Irma’s eyes were wide again. “So then … is he your Al?”

Bailey pictured Brandon, the way he’d looked holding her in his arms on the 103
^rd
floor of the Empire State Building … or how it had felt riding in the carriage beside him through the streets of New York City. She smiled at the memory, but even as she did she felt herself shrug. “I’m not sure … I’m really not sure.” She looked at the faces around her, all of them so grounded in their faith, so solid in their love for the men they’d married.

“I’ve been wanting to ask you, Bailey …” Betty’s voice was quieter than before, her question pointed and careful. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but what about the photograph that used to sit on your desk? The one of you and that handsome young man.”

Bailey felt her heart sink. “That’s Cody. I loved him for a very long time, but … he’s out of my life now. Someone from my past.” She smiled, more to convince herself than any of the ladies in the room. “I’m over him.”

“Is that why you took the picture down?” Again Betty’s question held a knowing, but it wasn’t forceful. Just her way of trying to know Bailey better.

A long sigh came from Bailey and she bit her lower lip. “I just … I didn’t want to look at him anymore.”

“Does Brandon know about Cody?” Sara uncrossed her ankles, but kept her pretty red shoes neatly together.

“He does … they know about each other.” She felt a well of sadness rise within her. “Cody has someone else now … he doesn’t think about me anymore.”

“Hmmm.” Barbara didn’t look sure. “How long did the two of you date?”

A sad laugh came from her. “Not long, really. A few months.” There was too much to the story to tell it all now. “We grew up together. We had feelings for each other long before we started dating.”

“I doubt he’s moved on. Not entirely.” Barbara sat back, unconvinced. “Look at you, Bailey. You’re beautiful from the inside out. A guy would be crazy to miss that.”

Bailey wanted to think so, but lately she doubted everything about herself. She wasn’t Cheyenne — it was that simple. And she wasn’t one of the Hollywood starlets who vied for Brandon’s attention. She believed him that he wasn’t interested in anyone else, but still … “I guess … if I had to answer the question, I’d
say Brandon Paul is the one in my heart now. He wants to have a relationship, but I don’t know.” She looked intently at each of them. “How do you know? I mean … how were you sure about the men you married?”

Betty was the first to answer. “The picture of you and Cody?”

“Yes …” Bailey wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“When it’s the right man … you’ll have the look in your eyes that you have in
that
picture.” She angled her head, sympathetic to all Bailey was feeling. “I’ve heard you talk about Brandon … but I haven’t seen that look in your eyes. Only in the picture.”

The conversation shifted to the Bible, and 1 Corinthians 13. The women planned to spend all summer looking at the chapter most famous for its teaching about love. Today they talked only about the first verse: “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.”

“That’s why we must not only be vocal and visible,” Barbara pointed out. “We must love most of all.”

“Amen to that.” Betty shared a quick smile with her friend.

When the study was done, Bailey thanked the women and hugged Betty. Then she returned to her room and found her journal, the new one her mom had given her for the move to New York. She wrote about the women — Betty and Barbara, Sara and Irma, of their love for their God and their families, and their nearly two hundred years of combined marriage.

I want that kind of love one day,
she wrote
… Is Brandon the guy who I can love like that … the one who will love me fifty years from now?
She hesitated, reading over what she’d written.
Please God … lead me to that kind of love. Until then, help me to know that You are enough.

She also wrote down Sara’s admonition to be strong, and she jotted a few sentences that had come up that day — how the idea
of being strong and vocal was only possible or effective when it was set against the backdrop of love. “Soaked in love,” Sara had said.

Bailey liked that. It reminded her of her place with the cast of
Hairspray.
Everything about her job was still new, the people still a little intimidating. But they needed God’s love as much as anyone. Maybe more. If she were going to truly shine on Broadway, she would need to find a way to be strong and vocal. But absolutely soaked in love.

And finally she wrote the thing that stayed with her most, the part Betty brought up. She remembered her night on the Empire State Building, and the quote Brandon had brought up. How the eyes were the window to the soul.

Take more pictures with Brandon,
she scribbled on the next line of her journal.
See if my eyes have that look.
Yes, that’s what she needed. More pictures of Brandon and her — so she could analyze her eyes.

Maybe that was the real reason Bailey had moved the photo of her and Cody from her desk. Because deep down she knew that what Betty had said was true. Real love … true love … the kind that could last a lifetime would require a guy who loved God more than life, a guy who could lead her and laugh with her and listen to her. And with all that, Bailey would know he was the right guy for one very simple reason.

Her eyes would look like they did in the picture of her and Cody.

A
SHLEY’S PHONE CALL WITH JENNY FLANIGAN WAS EXACTLY
what she needed that Wednesday morning. Jenny had a way about her that reminded Ashley of the truth — no trial was beyond the reach of God.

For nearly half an hour Jenny let Ashley talk about Landon’s health, his lung trouble, and the looming possibility of a disease too terrible to imagine. Jenny had to have been busy. Midway through June her boys would be clamoring for her attention for sure. Yet she had taken this time … something that touched Ashley deeply.

“Your family’s been through this before.” Jenny’s voice emanated calm. “You’ve always relied on each other, reminded each other that you could do anything with God’s strength.” Jenny hesitated. “Remember … when you can’t take another step, God will carry you.”

The thought filled in the gaping holes in Ashley’s confidence. When she couldn’t take another step … God would carry her.

The phone call ended, and even as Ashley rounded up the kids and called for Landon, she remembered to pray. Because today might just be one of those days when she wasn’t sure she could walk.

“Landon!” She had Janessa in her arms. Cole and Devin were already out in the car. “We’re going to be late.”

“Coming.” He didn’t sound enthusiastic, not that she could blame him. All of their testing, every cough and asthma attack, all
the concern from Landon’s doctors would culminate in a single test in an Indianapolis clinic two hours from now. After that they would have their answer — one way or another.

She headed for the garage, buckled Janessa into her car seat, and was fastening her own belt when Landon finally joined them. She watched him, studying him. What was the look on his face? It wasn’t fear … not quite. But it wasn’t the joy and peace she’d always known from him, either. He’d been off work nearly six weeks now, and in some ways he’d been busier than ever. He had trimmed every shrub and bush in what used to be her mother’s garden, and he’d planted a plot of vegetables. Turning over the dirt, cultivating it, mixing in mulch … planting seedlings. The boys had helped some, but he’d done most of it.

“Sorry. I was looking at something.” He didn’t turn to her, didn’t make eye contact.

Ashley watched him, not sure whether she should feel frightened by this new Landon, or sorry for him. Months ago when Devin had assigned everyone roles in his pretend circus, Landon had told her to lighten up. She couldn’t stop living just because he was sick. And she agreed. But now what was he thinking? Did she need to remind him of his own advice, or was it better to wait?

She sat back and stared out the window. From behind her, Devin kept up a stream of chatter about his future circus. Ashley had to admire his tenacity. He hadn’t once veered from the idea of running a circus — not since the notion first hit him back in January.

“I have a plan, ‘kay, Cole?”

Cole had a handful of baseball cards and he sorted through them without looking up. “What’s your plan, Dev?” The kids were staying at her sister and brother-in-law’s house — Kari and Ryan’s place — and Brooke was bringing her two girls over also. Which meant Cole would hang out with his favorite cousin, Maddie. The two had always been fiercely competitive, but lately they shared a
love of baseball cards. Not a surprise since Maddie’s tomboy stage still persisted.

“Here’s the plan.” Devin talked fast when he had an idea, and his words ran into each other as he tried to get his thoughts out. “I think asides my ‘magination machine, my circus might need a time machine too, and if it does then I think you should run it, Cole.” He paused only long enough to refuel. “Can you live with that?”

Despite her nerves about the day’s possible outcome, and her concerns over Landon’s attitude, Ashley laughed quietly in the front seat. This was Devin’s newest thing … asking people if they could live with something. She had no idea where he’d gotten the phrase but it made her laugh every time he used it.

“I can live with it. Sure …” Cole didn’t sound even a little bit interested, but at least he responded. “I’ll run the time machine.”

Ashley turned in her seat so she could see her kids — all three of them in the row behind her. Janessa sucked her thumb — a habit they were trying to break. But she was perceptive — and if she needed a little extra comfort today, Ashley could forgive her. She turned to Devin. “Why a time machine, buddy?”

“Oh, Mommy, a time machine’s the best machine of all.” His eyes grew so wide she could practically see the whites around them. “A time machine means people can climb inside and then
whirrrr!”
He made one of his crazy noises, signifying some push of the button or flip of the switch. He tried to snap his fingers, but the movement fell short. “Just like that, Mommy. You get transpo’ted to the bestest moment in your whole livelong life.” He glanced at Cole and then back at her. “Cole’s gonna run it and you can … well, you can sell the tickets.”

“Will I still wear my red shirt and my American flag tights?”

“Yes … ‘cept this time you will also have big blue sunglasses and a loud voice so you can tell people all over the circus to come
and get into the time machine.” Another quick breath. “Can you live with that?”

She swallowed another laugh and nodded. “Yes, … I think so.” She looked at Landon, his eyes locked on the road ahead. “What do you think … can I live with that?”

Landon hesitated, and then gave her a double take. “What?” He looked forward again. “Sorry … were you talking to me?”

A ripple of panic stirred the waters in her mind. Who was this, sitting beside her? The man she’d married never would’ve tuned out a conversation like the one between Ashley and Devin. She lowered her voice, but kept her tone upbeat. So the kids wouldn’t think there was something wrong between them. “It’s okay, Landon.” She put her hand on his knee. “Never mind.” She turned back to Devin. “Okay, so the time machine sounds like a great idea, but what about you? What moment would you go back to?”

Devin scratched his head, thinking hard. Suddenly his entire face lit up. “Last night. Cole and me were out back looking for frogs near the pond, and Cole told me I was the best brother he ever had.” He grinned at Cole, satisfied with his answer. “That’s where I’d go.” He turned curious eyes to her. “What about you, Mommy?”

Ashley’s throat felt tight. The question hit her in a way she hadn’t seen coming. If a time machine could take her back to any moment, what would she choose? Memories came rushing at her and she could see Landon standing before her on the front yard of what had been her parents’ house — the Baxter house, where she and Landon lived now. And he was touching her cheek and promising her that he’d never leave her again …

But before she could claim that as the moment, another memory filled her mind, and she could see Landon in his tux at the front of Clear Creek Church, and her mom was still alive and in the front row, and Ashley was dressed in her wedding gown,
and she knew as long as she lived she would never forget the way she felt or the look in Landon’s eyes … or maybe the moment in the hospital when they first laid Devin in her arms … or the time when Landon had stood beside her while their first daughter, Sarah, had died in their arms. The love between them, the support of their family, no matter how sad it had been … she was certain. She would pay to find her way back to that moment.

Or the time when Janessa joined their family, and the faithfulness of God was made real in the feel of Landon’s fingers intertwined with hers. Any of those moments or a million others …

“Mommy? It’s taking you a long time to think of an answer.”

“Well, buddy.” Cole looked up from his baseball cards and smiled at Ashley. “Mom has a lot of good times to think about. It’s not that easy deciding where she’d go back to. Right?”

There was no way to express how much she loved her family, but her love for Cole would always have its own special place. Long before Landon, life had consisted of just the two of them. She wouldn’t have minded a trip back to one of those days either. “That’s right.” She leaned the side of her head against the headrest. “Hmmm … It’s a hard decision.”

“It’s a time machine, Mommy!” Devin tossed his hands in the air and giggled. “You can go back to all of them if you want.”

“True.” She laughed and looked at Landon again. Like before, he was nonresponsive, as if he couldn’t hear a word they were saying. Her smile dropped off and she withdrew her hand, folding her arms in front of her instead. “The truth is, I’d go back to just about any happy time with all of you. Because you’re the people I love the most.”

“Mommy!” Devin laughed at her, as if to say she was the silliest person in the car. “That would be our whole life.” He shrugged big. “'Cause our whole life is a happy time.”

“Yes,” she grinned at Devin. “You’re right, buddy.” But she couldn’t help but think that just maybe those happy times were
in the past. Before Landon got sick … before he had to quit doing the job he loved. She kept her feelings to herself. She could forgive Landon if he was distracted today. Her fear wasn’t for the quiet ride to Indianapolis, but the ride home. And every day that might follow.

“I can think of a few baseball games I’d like to go back to.” Cole laughed, like he was starting to enjoy the idea of Devin’s time machine.

Ashley faced the front of the car again and let the boys continue the conversation. They reached Kari’s house, and Landon helped her get the kids and their things to the front door. “They’ll be fine.” Kari crossed her arms and anchored herself against the doorframe. When the kids had bid them goodbye and hurried into the house, Kari looked long at Ashley and then Landon. “We’ll be praying.”

“Thanks.” Ashley looked at Landon, but he only mumbled a quiet thank you and then looked at the ground. Ashley shot her sister a helpless look. “The kids are thrilled … a day with their cousins.” She moved to the spot next to Landon. “What’s on the agenda?”

“A water balloon contest … and maybe a little Dance Dance Revolution. The older kids love that.”

“Perfect.” Ashley wished with all her heart that this was a different sort of summer day, and that she and Landon could stay and take part in the fun. That they weren’t driving to Indianapolis to find out the verdict on what could be a lifelong sentence for Landon. Again Ashley gave her sister a knowing look, as if to say she couldn’t really talk. Not now. “You’ll have to tell us all about your day when we get back.”

“For sure.” Kari stepped out onto the porch, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the kids were far enough in the house that they couldn’t hear her. “Will you know the results today?”

“Yes.” Ashley looked at Landon. He still had said barely anything.
“Dad talked to the doctor. I guess the test is usually pretty definitive.” She felt like screaming at Landon … Didn’t he think this was hard for her too? She exhaled, keeping her focus. “They attach needles to a bunch of muscle nerve endings, and then they flip a switch. Diseased muscles make a series of noises. I guess the doctor can tell what disease a person might be dealing with by the pattern of the sounds.”

Kari’s face grew a shade paler, and her expression looked stricken. “Polymyositis isn’t just in the lungs?”

“It’s a muscle disease.” Landon finally spoke up. His face was grim, his expression almost angry. “I haven’t felt weakness anywhere else, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t follow the same pattern every time.”

Kari seemed to sense that Landon really didn’t want to talk about polymyositis or any other lung disorder. If he was going to fight fires again, he needed his lungs more than the average person.

“Okay.” Ashley interrupted the awkward silence that hung between the three of them. “Thanks for watching the kids.”

“Absolutely.” Kari stepped back inside the house. She waved once as Ashley and Landon turned and walked back down the sidewalk to their van. Ashley heard her close the door as the two of them climbed back inside and Landon started the engine again.

Ashley understood Kari asking about Landon. She hadn’t kept her sister up to date with every detail of Landon’s condition. For that matter, she hadn’t kept most of their extended family up to date. Only her dad, really. And then only because he was a doctor — he understood how serious things were with Landon.

The bottom line was, Ashley hadn’t wanted everyone to know the seriousness of Landon’s struggles. Until they had a diagnosis there was no reason to talk about it. Clearly he was sick. He’d almost died in the fire six weeks ago — all of them knew that much. In fact, his lung damage from the recent house fire was
the reason the doctor had wanted him to wait until now for the electromyography. Damaged muscles could give a false reading.

They were halfway to the highway when Ashley turned and studied Landon. He hadn’t said a word since they’d gotten back in the car. “Are you okay?”

He gave her the same sort of look he’d given her earlier. Like he had forgotten until that moment that she was even in the car with him. “Me?”

“No, Landon. The kids in the backseat.” She clenched her fists and tried to find the right approach with him. “You’re the only other person in the van. Of course I’m talking to you.”

He clenched his jaw and for a long moment he said nothing. Then he glanced at her, a hint of anger written into the fine lines on his forehead. “You want to know if I’m okay?” The sound that came from him fell short of being a laugh. “I’m headed to the city for a test that will probably confirm the fact that I have some rare lung disease … something they’re finding more commonly in people who worked at Ground Zero.” He looked at the road again, his knuckles white from the way he gripped the wheel. “If I have it, I’m done fighting fires. Everything I’ve worked for … all of it … behind me. Finished.” He paused, and his voice sounded strained, like he was fighting tears. “They can put me on a donor list, and if … if a donor comes along I have a one-in-five chance of living another ten years.”

Ashley knew all of it, every frightening thing he said. But hearing him compile the situation into a handful of sentences made her heart skip a beat, and then stumble into a strange and unrecognizable rhythm. Ten years … was that really a possibility? That she might not have more than a decade left with him? Cole would barely be out of college by then … Devin still in high school. And Janessa … she would hardly be old enough to remember him after he was gone.