Lead Me On (24 page)

“Sorry,” he mumbled, not sounding sorry at all. “Were you going to pretend I was just a friend?”

She shook her head, even though that had been exactly what she’d planned to do. “No.”

Chase scowled and picked up his menu without saying another word. The waitress stopped by less than thirty seconds later, but he was ready. Jane shook her head when the girl asked if she’d decided to eat, but Chase ordered an enormous amount of food, plus coffee and orange juice.

“How’s your dad?” she asked when she couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“He’s good.”

“That’s great! Maybe he really is on the road to recovery. If he—”

“Actually, I lied. He’s not good. He called me up drunk last night, which probably gives you another reason not to get involved with me. Grandparents’ Day at the kids’ school would be a real bitch. Which grandparent would be the least embarrassing? Hard call.”

Jane looked down at her coffee, distressed by the hurt in his voice. He’d looked so happy until she’d gotten worried about that little kiss. Crud.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Chase met her eyes over the edge of his coffee cup. Those eyes saw through her. They saw through her and he didn’t like what he was seeing. “Why’d you call, Jane? I thought maybe you were coming around. I guess I was wrong.”

“I…” She was afraid to say it. Afraid to say that she couldn’t stop thinking about him and she missed him and maybe she’d been wrong the whole time. “I…I called my mom last week!” she blurted out. “I invited her over for a drink and then yesterday I went to her house for pizza and a movie.”

Frowning, he set the cup down. “Why are you saying that like you’ve never done it before?”

“Because I’ve never done it before.”

“Wow.”

“I don’t want you to think my problems have anything to do with you.”

“I know it’s not about me, but that doesn’t make it easier to be treated like trash.”

“Oh. I’ve tried to tell you how I—”

“I get that, Jane. Why would I be here if I didn’t get it?”

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to change. I’m reaching out to my mom, but…” They fell into silence. Chase added another sugar to his coffee. He played with the empty paper packet.

When he cleared his throat, Jane jumped.

“Look,” he said. “I’m sorry I kept that arrest from you. You were right. I did it deliberately. I knew you wouldn’t like it, so I kept quiet. But I swear to you, it was a onetime screwup. My boss didn’t even fire me.”

She nodded. Of course she understood. She wasn’t that big a hypocrite. “You don’t have to apologize. I’ve been keeping so many secrets for years….”

While she was still trying to put her thoughts into words, the waitress rushed over, setting four plates in front of Chase. The lumberjack special with blueberry pancakes, plus a side of wheat toast and half a grapefruit.

Chase poured syrup on the pancakes. “So what was it like, hanging out with your mom?”

Relief tightened her throat. She didn’t want to argue. She just wanted to
talk
to him. “It was nice. It would’ve been nicer if Grandma Olive hadn’t been there.”

He smiled, and Jane’s skin flashed hot. For a moment she just watched him eat, aware of a creeping feeling of jealousy for the blueberry pancakes. He seemed to be enjoying them immensely. She wanted Chase to be enjoying
her
like that.

Chase pushed the plate toward her. “You can have the rest.”

“No, thanks. I’m not hungry.”

“Why are you drooling over my pancakes, then?”

Crud. Jane took the pancakes just to avoid saying “I’m starving for
you
.” Still, she watched him while he ate. The muscles of his jaw shifted, drawing her eye to his temple and beyond to the last little tendrils of his tattoo.

Funny, this whole situation had started because she’d lost it over Greg’s chewing. Now she was getting turned on by Chase eating breakfast.

Unbelievable.

Chase cleared his throat. “So why did you call?”

Because I miss you so much I can’t stand it
. She swallowed those revealing words. “I wanted to talk.”

He set down his fork. “About what?”

About anything
. But he was watching her too closely and she couldn’t get any words out. “Go ahead and eat. I don’t want your food to get cold.”

He picked up his fork and started on the eggs.

Jane began with something easy, telling him about Lori’s upcoming trip to Europe and how Quinn would be joining her in Spain because he’d lived there for a year in college. Then she updated him on how Jessie was doing. “He wrote to the family of Michelle Brown.”

His eyebrows rose. “He did?”

“He wanted to apologize for the part he played in their loss. His lawyer said it would leave him vulnerable to a lawsuit, but Jessie said he didn’t have anything to lose anyway, so he wrote to the family to say he was sorry.”

“That’s good.”

And then there was nothing easy to talk about. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she’d drawn a line between them, so how could she cross it now?

“I’ve been thinking about my mom,” Jane said.

He started to set down his fork again, but when she frowned, he sighed and picked it up.

“My mom had photos out when I went over. Family pictures. And I noticed something in those pictures.”

“What?”

“I think there were a few years that I just forgot. I forgot them because there was nothing dramatic going on and everything was okay. And I was looking at those photos and I thought…maybe I’ve been mad at the wrong person all these years. My mom made mistakes, but she was
there
, and…and I think I was actually happy.”

“But you talked about those prisons, all those moves from town to town.”

“That was bad. But after Mac was released and Jessie was born…We were a family. And everything was really good until my dad was paroled. My dad…”

She glanced up to find him staring at her, but his eyes dropped to the plate so that she could continue. “I learned to write when I was four, just so I could send him letters. From the moment I sent that first letter, he wrote to me every week. Told me how proud he was and how much he loved me and all the wonderful stuff we’d do together someday. But as soon as he got out of prison, he disappeared. He had better things to do. He didn’t need to entertain himself with a kid. I was mad at him, but I think deep inside I blamed my mom.”

“Because she chose him?”

“Yes. It was her fault he was my dad, but mostly I blamed her because she was
there
. It was easy to hate her. But if I’ve been mad at the wrong person my whole life… That’s kind of awful, isn’t it? That’s really, really bad.” She heard his fork hit the plate, but she couldn’t see much past the tears pooling in her eyes.

“No, I’m fine,” she said, but as soon as his fingers slid over hers, two fat tears dropped down her cheeks.

“Jane, you need to talk to your mom.”

She tried to sniff hard enough to make the tears disappear. “I can’t. I don’t know what to say.”

“Tell her what you told me.”

“I don’t want to admit that I’m a bad person. How can I just say that? ‘Mom, I’m an awful person. Sorry about that.’”

“Oh, come on.” His chuckle sounded a bit panicked, perhaps because the tears were escaping her control. “You’re not a bad person, Jane. Jesus.” His fingers tightened. “Don’t cry.”

“Of course I’m a bad person. I like you so much. But I tell myself I can’t like you, because I need to have a man who comes from a stable family. A man without a record. Someone who’s refined and settled and educated. Because I’m
not
, and I need that pretense. On my own I’m just a low-class girl with a sordid past who lucked into a good job.”

“Jane, look at me.”

She grabbed a napkin and wiped her eyes, then let her gaze rise as far as his mouth. Chase hunched down until she was looking at his eyes.

“Listen to yourself.”

“What?”

“You’re looking for a man who can
fix
you?”

“No! I don’t expect a man to fix me! I’m not an idiot. I just want a man I can hide behind.”

Chase’s eyebrows flew high. His mouth twitched up, and Jane felt her mouth twitch, too.

“Jane, I’m no Dr. Phil, but I’m pretty sure you’re certifiably fucked-up.”

“Shut up!”

“It’s true. Man, if I wasn’t already in love with you, I’d be out of here.”

For the first time, his talk of love didn’t make her feel nauseated. In fact, she felt rather warm inside. Scared to death, but warm.

“Do you love me?” he asked softly.

Okay, now the scared-to-death part had arrived. Oh, God. Since he’d walked out of her condo that night, Jane had been telling herself she missed his body. She’d stared at the phone, hands sweating with the need to call him, sure that she wanted only to climb on top of him and use him as stress relief again.

But the brutal truth was unavoidable. More than anything, she’d wanted to talk to him, to hold his hand, to watch a movie with his arms curved around her. And, yes, she wanted to have sex with him, because he used her body just the way she liked and then whispered of love afterward.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered.

“Sure, it’s totally inconsequential, but humor me.”

She loved him. She did. Even the things holding her back made her heart speed with sheer joy. His calloused hands and dusty shirts. His muddy boots and inked skin. And his frickin’ hair was turning her on like crazy. “You should hate me for the way I’ve treated you.”

He shrugged. “I’m pretty tough.”

“I’m scared. I don’t think I can do this.”

“You changed your whole life when you were sixteen years old. You really think you can’t change your dating habits at thirty?”

“Twenty-nine,” she muttered.

He winked. “I know.”

Her hands shook against the cup. “If I love you, I’ll have to be me for the rest of my life. Really me.”

“Don’t you think it’s about time?”

“Oh, God,” she breathed. Be herself? Her
real
self? “Maybe. Maybe I’d like to try.”

Chase smiled, not looking nearly as surprised as she’d expected.

“Can you give me a couple more days? You were right. I need to work a few things out first.”

“Sure. I can get by that long.”

She picked up her purse, a red-hot mix of hope and terror swirling through her chest.

“But…” Chase stopped her with a hand around her wrist as she stood. “I’m gonna let my hair grow out next week, so you’d better make up your mind.”

Her eyes flew to his tattooed skull. Jane licked her lips.

“You’re going to miss your chance, darlin’.”

He knew. He knew she wanted to nibble her way all the way up, wanted to lick him, wanted to look down and see that tattooed head between her thighs…God, he was so arrogant.

He pulled her hand toward his mouth and slowly lowered his lips to her wrist.

“Chase,” she whispered.

His smile was pressed to her skin. “You didn’t look around that time, Jane. What if people are watching?”

She shook her head, too consumed with the shivers spreading up her arms from the feel of his breath on her pulse.

“You want to touch it?”

Jane pulled her hand away, afraid that she’d start to pet him and things would get out of control. “I’ll be in touch. Soon.”

“Okay.”

She didn’t want to go, but if she stayed, she’d be hypnotized by his blue eyes and wide smiles. She took a step. Then another.

“Jane?” he called when she was only one table away.

She turned back.

“I’ve got a degree in geology, so you can use me for my educational achievements anytime.”

“What?”

“Do you think they hand out dynamite to any firebug with fuse and a prayer?”

“I…”

“Want me to have it tattooed on my other arm? ‘College educated with love and Jane Morgan approved’?”

She gaped at him in utter shock.

“Ha! You’re such a snob. They let guys with tattoos into college, too. I’ll call you later to find out how you’re doing, Miss Jane.” And with a wink, he turned his attention back to his food.

Jane stood there in the middle of the restaurant, watching him eat bacon. When she finally recovered enough to think, she glanced around. Sure enough, the people at the nearby tables were staring at her, most of them with knowing smiles. She looked back to Chase sitting there, muscles bulging in his T-shirt, black tattoos glowing dark against his skin, looking like a damned punk-rock criminal.

Then she caught the smiling eye of a woman at the next table, and Jane’s fear seemed like a pitiful thing. Something easily ignored. She found herself suddenly smiling back.