Lead Me Not (21 page)

This time it was Maxx who took a step back. He let go of me as if I had burned him. He folded his hat into his pocket before burying his fingers into his hair and gripping his scalp. “I don’t understand what you’re saying,” he denied, though it was obvious my statement had him panicking.

What a pair we were—both denying everything even when faced with the truth.

I laughed humorlessly. “I was there, Maxx. I saw you selling those tiny little pills that people couldn’t get enough of. I also saw you take those same pills, and I know they weren’t Tylenol,” I accused, crossing my arms over my chest. “I followed you around for a while. I saw it all,” I admitted and watched as a multitude of expressions crossed Maxx’s face.

Surprise. Anger. Indignation. And then something seemed to break inside of him. He covered his face with his hands and sank down to the floor.

My mouth gaped open, and I didn’t quite know what to do. I was not expecting this reaction. I anticipated the denial, a witty comeback about how I was imagining things, or even an arrogant confession. Maybe I even expected an apology. But what I hadn’t counted on was Maxx falling apart.

I was horrified with myself that I had led him to this. Where had my sensitivity gone? Where was the woman who wanted to help people? And wasn’t Maxx, sitting there, looking lost, a person who needed my support?

I was acting like a scorned girlfriend instead of the counselor I was learning to be. Maxx’s addiction had a strong hold on him; that was obvious. But it wasn’t the using that bothered me, though that was bad enough.

It was the selling. Pushing that nasty stuff on other people. Sure, he wasn’t standing on a street corner selling drugs wrapped in bubblegum wrappers to schoolkids, but in my mind he was taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable, people like my sister.

That’s what made me sick.

But mostly, I was pissed because I had started to see the man he was underneath. And it was so much more, so much
better
than the guy who sold drugs to a bunch of strung-out college kids. I took a step toward him, then another, until I was standing over
him. He wouldn’t look up at me. I didn’t know if it was because of shame or guilt, or that he just didn’t want me to see exactly what he was. But I already had.

I kneeled down in front of him. “You come into support group every week giving the same sob story. You need
saving
,” I said harshly, losing all filter over my thoughts, my emotions taking over. “Who are you trying to fool? Kristie? The other group members? Me?” I asked. “Or maybe yourself. Because you can’t like the person you see in the mirror. You can’t enjoy selling drugs to support a habit that will ultimately kill you. Wake up, Maxx!” I said, my voice rising.

Maxx’s head shot up. “You don’t know who I am, Aubrey! You have no fucking clue!” His face was flushed, and his eyes flashed. I had never seen Maxx so worked up, and it was intimidating.

But I wouldn’t back down. “Oh, stop it. So you think because you have it rough, that gives you the right to sell that shit? To take everyone down with you? You lie each and every time you come here! You’re not trying to get better! You’re not looking to get clean! Just be honest with yourself and everyone else,” I yelled.

Maxx leaned forward, getting within an inch of my face. “If that’s what you really think, if that’s who you believe I am, then why the hell are you still here?” he demanded, his face darkening.

I swallowed and got to my feet, putting space between us. But Maxx was on the offensive now.

“You are so fucking naïve, Aubrey. So egocentric. You think you can stand there and pass your fucking judgments. I know that you don’t
get
it. That you feel
betrayed
,” he bit out. “What you don’t understand is that at least when I’m being someone else, when I’m that messed-up guy at the club, then I don’t have to be
me
!” he barked.

“And what’s so horrible about being Maxx Demelo?” I asked, wanting him to be honest, just for a moment. I was looking for that
breakthrough so he could see what was at the root of all of this.

“Because I’m a fucking failure!” he screamed. He scrubbed his hands down over his face and then balled up his fist and hit the wall with a force that made me yelp.

Tears slipped down his face, and he hit the wall again. He covered his face with his arms and yelled, the cry muffled by his sweater. I could feel myself softening toward him; that twinge that only he could give me was starting to replace the anger. I looked around, relieved that we were still alone.

Maxx dropped his hands and stared at me with eyes that were haunted and utterly lost. “I’m a failure,” he whispered. “And anyone who expects me to be otherwise will only be disappointed.” He looked at me sharply, and his meaning was clear.

Don’t expect more from me than this.

“It’s nice to feel wanted. To have people need me for something that I can actually give them. I like knowing I can take a pill and none of this matters. I don’t feel the guilt. I don’t feel the weight of all this
shit
,” Maxx growled, pulling at his shirt above his heart.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “So don’t talk to me about what you think I should be doing or not doing. Because you don’t know a fucking thing about me.”

I was at a total loss about what to say. I was no longer standing there as Aubrey, future counselor. I was Aubrey, a young girl trying to save a sad boy I had, against my better judgment, come to care about.

“I can’t save myself, Aubrey. I know that. I’m a lost fucking cause.” He was so angry. He stalked toward me, grabbing hold of
my face, and froze me with the strength of his glare. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed at me or himself. Most likely it was a little bit of both.

He shocked me by slamming his mouth to mine with such bruising force that I tasted blood. He pulled away just as suddenly as he had kissed me. He was wild and out of control. He was totally impulsive and unreadable. I wasn’t sure what he would do next.

He continued to hold my face tightly between his hands. “I want you, Aubrey,” he said in clear, succinct words. His fingers dug into my skin, and I tried not to wince.

Maxx held me tightly, as if he were worried I’d run away. A conflicting, rational part of me was still contemplating doing just that. I knew better than to get mixed up in whatever Maxx was. He was hands-off in every possible way. But that didn’t change the charge I felt around him—or how the destructive, broken man called out to the woman who wanted nothing more than to fix him, to save him, to make his world right again.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered, his words making me shiver.

I covered his hands, which held my face, with mine and stared up into eyes that pleaded with me to stay. “You scare me,” I told him honestly.

He leaned down and rested his forehead against mine. He took deep, raspy breaths. “I scare myself,” he said. I reached up and put my arms around his neck as he dropped his hands to my hips. We breathed in each other, our eyes closing shut, letting the truth of our words hang in the air between us.

“You have to stop, Maxx. You’re on probation. If you get caught, you’ll go to jail,” I reasoned. Maxx nodded, his nose brushing against mine.

“I know. I can’t be that guy anymore. But he’s hard to let go of. I’m not sure I can do it by myself.”

“You’re destroying yourself. That stuff killed my sister. It could kill you too,” I went on. He didn’t deny anything I was saying. He didn’t get defensive. He didn’t tell me to mind my own business.

He only nodded.

“I need you,” he said so softly I barely heard him.

And just like that, he reeled me in. It was almost too easy. But he
needed
me. And I lived for being needed. It was an addiction just as powerful as his. And it had the potential to be just as destructive. I just didn’t know yet how much.

“I have to kiss you again. Please,” he begged. I was surprised he was asking for my permission, given the way he had attacked my mouth just minutes before. But he seemed to want my consent. It was as though he was letting me know that if I did, this time it would be different. Things between us would change, and there would be no going back.

Maxx opened his eyes, the blue a silent appeal for me to give in. I was powerless against him. I tried to remember the reasons I had for keeping my distance, but with him so close, pleading in that sad, desperate way of his, I couldn’t do anything but comply.

I yanked him closer and went up on my tiptoes to reach him. Our lips collided, and his arms came up around me, pressing my body firmly against his. He pushed me back against the wall as his mouth devoured mine. My tongue tangled with his, and my hands gripped his hair, pulling just enough to cause pain.

He groaned into my mouth, and we became frantic. Maxx lifted me up, his hands cupping my ass, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He rocked his pelvis into me, and I could feel his hardness beneath the layers of his clothing.

Maxx tore his mouth away and started to kiss his way down the column of my throat. I arched into his touch, wanting everything he gave. He moved his hand from my ass to the front of my jacket. He yanked at the zipper, pushing it open. Then he pulled
my sweater down, stretching out the neck in his quest for bare skin.

And just as before, I let myself experience the insane feelings Maxx unleashed inside of me, feelings that only he could elicit.

He molded his fingers to my breast, kneading and rubbing. I moaned loudly in the empty corridor, and the sound echoed around us and seemed to drive him on. He shoved my bra away from my aching flesh, his fingers making that first tentative touch. He seemed unsure, but the more I writhed against him, the more confident his movements became, and he took my hard nub between his thumb and forefinger, rubbing it just firmly enough to stoke the fire deep in my belly. I felt the sensation between my legs, and I thrust against him rhythmically, trying to find my release.

“So beautiful,” he murmured, before bending his head down to suck my nipple into his mouth.

“Christ,” I let out in a rush, my head falling back and hitting the concrete wall behind me. His teeth scraped my hot skin, nibbling and tasting. His tongue swirled around my nipple as his other hand moved to the front of my jeans. Now that he was no longer supporting my weight, my feet hit the floor, and I found that I could barely stand, my knees were shaking so badly.

I wasn’t even thinking about where we were or who could see us. All my lust-soaked brain could compute was the way his hand slipped inside my open jeans and ran along the seam of my soaked panties.

Maxx kissed my breast one more time before pulling back to look down at me. Our eyes locked as he slowly pushed aside my underwear to touch my throbbing center. I was a quivering mess. My breasts, still exposed, rose up and down in quick succession as I tried to get control of my breathing.

My lips were aching and swollen. I wanted him to kiss me
again, but he didn’t. He continued to watch me as he rubbed me slowly and purposefully, the tip of his finger just teasing my opening and then venturing up to press my clit.

“Oh my god,” I groaned as he finally slid a finger inside ever so slowly, as though he were savoring the feel of me. I closed my eyes, the sensation almost too much to handle. Maxx ran his other hand through my hair, gripping the back of my head as he started to move his finger in and out of my body. The motion at first was slow and languid, but then the rhythm changed and he pushed in as far as I could take him.

“Look at me, Aubrey,” he demanded, his husky voice cracking as he slipped a second finger inside me.

I opened my eyes to look at him and almost shut them again at the naked longing I saw on his face. He was so intense it was painful to look at.

His thumb rubbed my clit as his fingers curved inside me, touching the spot that instantly made me come. I bit down on the scream that threatened to fly out of my mouth.

And then a door slammed at the end of the hallway, and I thought my heart had stopped beating. I shoved Maxx away from me, and he stumbled back in bewilderment.

“Aubrey,” he began, his voice hoarse, but I held my hand up to stop him, vehemently shaking my head, hoping like hell he’d keep his mouth shut. I attempted to pull the zipper on my jeans up, but it seemed to be stuck. I hurriedly closed my jacket and pulled it down, covering the evidence of what we had been doing.

Maxx’s hair looked exactly like my fingers had been combing through it. His lips were red and swollen, his blue eyes almost black with desire. He looked sexy as hell, and my hormone-laden body wanted him so badly that I was tempted to toss common sense aside in favor of throwing him on the ground and finishing what we had started.

Luckily, common sense prevailed, and I turned away, giving him my back in an attempt to gain some physical and emotional distance. But not before I saw the raw pain on his face at my perceived rejection.

I knew how my actions would be taken. But he didn’t understand the ramifications of being caught like this. What it would mean for him and his probation. Or me and my future career. Both would be dead in the water. I had allowed my desire for him to cloud my judgment . . . again. But even now, with my nerves on edge, my fear of being discovered tainting the air, I couldn’t stop wanting him.

I wasn’t sure I would ever stop.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and reached down to pick up my bag, willing my heart to calm down, just as Kristie came down the hallway.

She didn’t realize Maxx and I were there until she was almost upon us. She startled in surprise to find us practically hidden in the darkened corner of the corridor. Stopping, she frowned and looked from Maxx to me. My hands were clammy, and I hoped like hell I didn’t look as guilty as I felt.

“Is everything all right?” she asked Maxx, but she was looking at me. Was that suspicion in her eyes? Did she feel the sexual tension in the air as tangibly as I did?

Maxx cleared his throat. “I was having a hard time after group, Kristie. Aubrey was processing with me before I headed home,” he lied effortlessly. He was so convincing.