Lauren Ipsum: A Story About Computer Science and Other Improbable Things (2 page)

“That wasn’t
too
bad,” Laurie said to herself, as she
reached the Mile One sign. “A mile sounds like a long way to walk, but it’s easier if
you break it into pieces.” She remembered that in Hamilton there are eight blocks to a mile,
so she made herself think about walking one block at a time.

“
Oh, look, another one
,” said a voice.

“Hello?” Laurie spun around, but there wasn’t much to see: some fields of
odd-looking crops, an empty road, and the sign.

“
She’s kind of short, isn’t she?
”

That’s when she noticed a tiny lizard clinging to the sign. It had the oddest coloring:
where the sign was green, the lizard was reddish; where it was white, the lizard was black.

“Hello, who are you?” she asked.

“I’m Xor,” the lizard squeaked. His tail twitched from yellow to blue.
“Hold on, can you
see
me?”

“Of course I can see you!” Laurie said.

“Oh.” Xor looked very sad and blushed a bright purple.

“You
are
the first talking lizard I’ve ever met,”
Laurie said. “How did you learn to talk?”

“What a silly question!” the creature said. “I learned as a baby, like
everybody else.”

“You did?”

“Sure. Why, how did
you
learn to talk?”

“Well . . .” She had always been able to talk, hadn’t she? “I guess I
learned as a baby too.”

“It’s only logical. First you learn to talk, then you learn to think. Too bad
it’s not the other way around.”

“What are you doing there on the sign?” Laurie asked.

“Another silly question! What does it look like I’m doing? I am blending into the
background,” Xor said. At that moment he turned pink and violet. “Did you say
something?”

She shook her head.

“Where was I? Oh, yes. Blending in is an honorable and ancient art. It takes years of
practice. You must have a pretty sharp eye to spot me.” Xor marched around the sign as he
talked, turning white with large orange polka dots.

Laurie bit her tongue, trying not to laugh.

“No, you don’t see a lizard like me every day!” He turned peach and
cornflower blue. “But sometimes—personally speaking between you and me, of
course—sometimes . . .” He looked sad again and fell silent.

“Sometimes what?”

“Sometimes, I worry I’m not doing it right.”

“Not if you want to
hide
!” Laurie said, unable to contain
herself. “Your colors keep changing.”

“I was pretty sure I’d figured it out this time,” Xor said, turning his head
around to get a better look at himself.

“My left leg is green—” he said.

“Green? No, it’s red.”

“Really?”

“Really. Now it’s purple.”

Xor sighed. “Blending in is a lot harder than it looks. I’m glad it was you who
saw me and not a hungry bird. You see, I’m a bit color-blind.”

“What kind of lizard are you, anyway?” she asked.

“I’m Chameleon, mostly. I’m part dinosaur on my mother’s
side.”

“Part
dinosaur
? That’s impossible.”

“It’s true!” Xor drew his little self up proudly. “For instance, my
Aunt Vana is a Steganosaurus. She can hide anywhere, even on the back of a postage
stamp.”

Laurie wasn’t sure she believed Xor, but she didn’t want to hurt the
lizard’s feelings.

“Maybe your aunt can teach you how to hide better.”

“I’d love that. But I don’t know where she is. The last time I saw her, I
didn’t even see her!” he said.

“But—”

“
Hey
,” Xor said, “why don’t I come along with
you
? If you can see me, maybe you’ll be able to see her,
too.”

“I don’t think—”

“It’ll be fine! I know a lot about this place. I can show you
around.”

“Well, okay. I can carry you in my pocket,” Laurie said. “Have you heard of
Hamilton?”

“I don’t know. Can you eat it?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

Laurie and Xor soon reached the little town of Bach. It was very confusing at first, because
the name “Bach” appeared on everything: Bach Street, Bach Avenue, Bach Plaza—even
the sidewalk was labeled
sidebach
. They finally found Bach Haus down Bach
Way.

Laurie knocked on the enormous front door. A tall lady with frizzy white hair and an elegant
coat answered. “Hello, what can I do for you?” she asked.

“Are you Eponymous Bach? I’m Laurie. I was told you can help me.”

“If I can’t help solve your problem, I can at least give it a name. Do come in and
have some tea.”

The house was impressive on the outside, but on the inside it was a mess! Strange machines
were shoved against the walls, cobwebs hung down from the corners, tools were scattered on the
floor, and piles and piles of paper with scribbled notes were everywhere. A violin was stuffed into
a flowerpot. Xor jumped out of Laurie’s pocket to hunt some insects.

“Um, so you’re a composer?” Laurie asked.

“That’s right,” said Eponymous.

“What kind of music do you compose?”

“Oh, I don’t compose music,” Eponymous said. “I Compose
Ideas!”

“You compose . . . ideas? How?”

“I put little ideas together to make bigger ones. Then I put
those
ideas together to make bigger and bigger ones! And then I put my name on them. You shouldn’t
let any ideas escape without a name,” she said. “That’s Bach’s First Law of
Eponymy. I made it myself, you see.”

“Is that why all the streets are named after you?” Laurie asked.

“Yes, I used to put my name on Things. But it’s much better to have your name on
an Idea. That’s my Second Law of Eponymy.”

“But why is an idea better?” Laurie asked. “You can’t see an
idea.”

“Because good ideas never wear out! You put your name on a birthday cake, but it
doesn’t last very long, does it?”

“No. You eat it right away,” Laurie said. Birthday cakes don’t last long at
all!

“You can also put your name on a mountain,” said Eponymous. “But even a
mountain falls down eventually. It makes a terrible noise, too! No, the best way to make something
last forever is to take away everything but the ideas.” She pointed to a portrait of a man
with curly hair and a funny coat. “Look over there,” she said.

“That’s my friend Andy Ampère. One day, he noticed that when he put
electricity through two wires, they would bend a little toward each other. So he called it
Andy’s Magical Wire Bender, and he went around selling it to people who make paper
clips.”

“That’s pretty neat!” said Laurie.

“Yes, but I told Andy to keep going, to take away all of the Things until he had an Idea
worth putting his name on. He realized he could use his machine to measure electricity by looking at
how much the wires bent. That was truly new—a new law of nature. Nobody uses Andy’s
Magical Wire Bender anymore, but Ampère’s Law will always be current.”

“But why do you put your name on everything?”

“Names are very important! A thing without a name is like a pot without a handle. Just
try telling a story about turtles without using the word
turtle
.”

“Well,” said Laurie, always ready to argue a point, “you could say
a Green Round animal with a Shell
instead of
turtle
.”

“Hrmph,” Eponymous hrmphed, “That’s not a very easy name, but I
suppose it will do. So how can I help you, child?”

“I’m looking for a path back to Hamilton. The Wandering Salesman said I just have
to go everywhere I’ve never been before, and eventually I’ll find my way home. But . .
.”

“But what, dear?”

“I don’t know, something about what he said doesn’t make
sense.”

“It might make
sense
, but it may not be
sensible
,” said Eponymous.

“Isn’t that the same thing?” asked Laurie.

“Many things make sense but are not sensible at all! You can go from the front door to
the back door by walking through the house, right?”

“Sure.”

“You can also walk around the outside of the house, or even all the way around the
planet, to do the same thing. Many ways make sense, but only some are sensible.”

“Then I want to find a sensible way,” said Laurie. “I don’t want to
walk all around the planet!”

“So,” Eponymous said, “we have named and framed your problem: Laurie’s
Quest is to find the shortest path home.”

“But how do I do that?” asked Laurie. “Is it difficult?”

“You’ll never know unless you try. The next town up the road is called Symbol.
Have you been there before?”

“No, I’ve never even heard of it.”

“Then it sounds perfect. Just follow Bach Avenue out of town, and take a left at
Recursion Junction.”

“That’s great!” said Laurie. “Xor, let’s go. Oh, that’s
right,” she remembered. “Do you know anything about how to find
Steganosauruses?”

Eponymous smiled. “Who’s been telling you stories like that, my dear girl?
Steganosauruses don’t exist.”

As they headed out of Bach, Laurie couldn’t help but tease Xor a little.
“Steganosauruses don’t exist, huh?”

“That lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Her place had some really
good bugs, though.”

“Maybe she’s right.”

“She says Steganosauruses don’t exist because she’s never seen one. But that
proves my point! Steganosauruses are so good at hiding that people think they’re
imaginary.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Xor.”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
Squawk!
Laurie felt something brush her shoulder. Before she knew it, a fat bird was flying away with Xor in
its talons.

“
Hey!
” Laurie ran after the bird as it slowly flew to a
nearby branch. It was so fat it was almost spherical, about the size and shape of a coconut. There
were two more just like it in the tree.

Laurie jumped at the bird holding Xor, but it tossed the lizard to another bird, which caught
him in its beak. She jumped at that one, but then Xor was thrown to another.

The birds enjoyed playing keepaway. When their mouths weren’t full of lizard, they
hopped up and down and sang a silly rhyme:

“Give him back!” Laurie shouted. “He’s my friend!” The Round
Robins only cackled and mocked her.

“Help!” Xor squeaked in terror. “They want to eat me!”

“No!” Laurie picked up a stone and threw it at the nearest Round Robin. To her
utter surprise, it didn’t fly away. The fat, nasty thing
caught the
stone
.

They played catch with the stone and Xor. Laurie threw another stone, and then another, but
the birds caught those, too. Now the Round Robins were juggling three stones plus Xor. This
wasn’t getting Laurie anywhere. She paused, thinking, another stone in her hand.

Instead of throwing the single stone, Laurie scooped up a large handful and started tossing
them in nice, easy lobs, one by one. The Robins caught each stone and juggled it. If they
hadn’t been trying to eat her friend, Laurie would have been impressed.

“What are you doing? Save me!” Xor said.

Soon, the three Robins were having trouble keeping so many things in the air. Laurie threw the
stones harder and faster, trying to knock the birds off balance. They sang for
reinforcements.

Five more of the creatures flapped and flopped in to join the party of their murderous kin.
They evened out the load of stones and mocked Laurie even more loudly.

The birds were juggling 15, 20, 25 stones now. They could catch whatever Laurie threw at them,
and a dozen more of the creatures were waiting to join in. How could she get Xor away from
them?

It was hard to concentrate with the birds singing and Xor screaming, but Laurie waited again,
trying to see a pattern. A Round Robin can catch anything. . . .

Just as one of the birds was about to catch Xor, Laurie hit it in the beak with a nice big
clod of dirt. A Round Robin can catch anything. But it can’t catch
two
things!

She caught Xor as he fell and ran away as fast as she could. Stones and furious Robins flew
everywhere as the flock lost its rhythm. Some tried to chase her, but they were too fat to keep up
and too angry to rhyme.

“Are you okay?” Laurie said.

“No . . . yes . . . maybe.” Xor was breathing hard. They both were. The little
lizard didn’t look hurt, but he was scared out of his wits. “Birds!”

“This is why you have to blend in, isn’t it?” she asked. “Birds want
to eat you.”

“I hate birds.”