Last Christmas (27 page)

Memories of her childhood years poured over her in a torrent. Cat sitting at this very kitchen table drinking milk while her mother listened to the radio, making Christmas decorations, doing her homework, while Mum pottered around her. So much of her life had been spent in this kitchen. All of her life spent knowing there was one solid certainty in it. That, whatever happened, however rough things got, there was one person who would never let her down. Whenever she fell her mother had been there to pick her up. And now that certainty had gone forever. From now on she’d have no one to pick her up but herself. She was overcome with an irrevocable sense of loss. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

This would never do. Cat felt compelled to do something,
anything, to take her mind away from the hopelessness of the situation. Her mother had looked after her for her whole life, and now it was Cat’s turn to return the favour. First things first, she could begin to sort this chaos out. Cat set off on a frenzy of cleaning. She cleared out the entire contents of the freezer; she cleaned the fridge; swept the floor; rearranged cupboards; and only when she’d done all that did she sit down and put her head in her hands. Mum had clearly been hiding the extent of her problems from Cat and Noel for months. There was going to be no way she could come back here. She’d have to come to them.

Noel hadn’t seemed enthusiastic about the idea, it was true. Cat frowned—surely he couldn’t really believe Mum should go into a home? He must see it as she did. Mum had done so much for them, now it was time to look after her.

‘But you must promise me that if I get really bad, you’ll sell this place and put me in a home.’ A sudden vision of Mum swam before her eyes, the last time they’d sat in this kitchen together. Her mother was very stubborn, Cat knew, but Cat could be stubborn too. She sat surrounded by memories of growing up in this place, of coming home with scraped knees, and reading books. Her mother had always been there, an oasis of calm in her turbulent world. Her mother
had
been her world growing up. Cat looked round the kitchen once more. Whatever happened now, however much Mum and Noel might think it was a bad idea, Cat had no intention of abandoning her mum. No intention at all.

‘So Eve’s back for good?’ Pippa whistled sympathetically. Marianne hadn’t bothered to go home after work. She couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in the little house that had seen so many tears when Luke left her. She knew it wasn’t Gabriel’s fault. She understood why he was doing this. Why he had to at least give it a go for Stephen’s sake. But there was a part of her that was reacting like a child in the playground, stamping her feet and saying, ‘It’s not fair!’

‘Excuse the chaos by the way,’ said Pippa, who was folding laundry in the old-fashioned farm kitchen. ‘My parents are wonderful to have us here, but there isn’t a lot of room. Thankfully now they’re retired they do like going off to Spain periodically, so we’ve got the place to ourselves for a bit.’

Marianne could hear the boys whooping wildly in the haybarn.

‘It certainly gives me a break,’ she said, wiping her eyes. ‘I can’t wait for us to get straight again. Living out of bags is so exhausting.’

Marianne felt a pang of guilt. Here she was, wittering on about her paltry problems, when Pippa had so much more to deal with than she did.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’ve been going on too much.’

‘Don’t be,’ said Pippa. ‘Come on, have a cup of tea, and we can put the world to rights. You can tell me all about Diana Carew. Is she going to be all right?’

‘I think so,’ said Marianne. ‘Apparently she’s put her shoulder out, though. I shouldn’t laugh really, but it was a funny sight seeing Miss Woods take off like that.’

‘I bet,’ said Pippa. ‘If I was more suspicious, I might think she’d done it on purpose.’

‘Oh, I can’t think she’d do that, would she?’ Marianne stifled a giggle at the thought. ‘I mean, I know they don’t see eye to eye, but that’s a bit drastic.’

‘It will certainly make it difficult for Diana to run the Nativity,’ said Pippa.

‘Maybe that’s why Miss Woods did it.’

‘Pippa, you are a wicked, wicked woman,’ said Marianne, laughing. ‘Still, you’ve done me some good, I can face going home now.’

‘You never know, Eve might not hang about,’ said Pippa, as she saw Marianne out.

‘Gabriel seemed to think she would,’ said Marianne. ‘She says she’s much better apparently. She’s been undergoing some kind of therapy and now she wants to sort out the relationships in her life, whatever that means.’

Pippa snorted. ‘I think staying away would be the best way to do that.’

‘Actually, I think she is doing the best thing,’ said Marianne. ‘This way, Gabriel gets to have some kind of closure if it goes wrong again. At least I think she is…’

‘I sense a but here,’ said Pippa.

‘Why the bloody hell did Eve have to turn up now, just when things were going so well with me and Gabe?’ Marianne burst out. ‘I do understand they’ve got stuff to sort out, and I’m really trying to be generous. But bloody hell. It’s going to get so messy. I’m not sure
I want to or even should get involved. Perhaps I should just back off.’

‘Don’t do that,’ said Pippa, ‘I know Gabe really likes you. I can’t see that he’d go back to Eve now.’

‘Yes, but what about Stephen?’ said Marianne. ‘It all boils down to what’s best for him in the end, doesn’t it? And let’s face it, we all know what’s best for him is his mum coming home. I can’t ever compete with that.’

‘I think that’s very altruistic of you,’ said Pippa. ‘In your shoes I’d be tempted to claw Eve’s eyes out.’

‘What good would that do?’ said Marianne. ‘I can’t make Gabriel choose me. And I don’t want to if it’s a question of Stephen’s happiness. I just have to wait and see what happens. And hope that somehow, miraculously, everything will work out for the best.’

‘Thanks so much for all your help,’ Cat said to her mother-in-law with gratitude. ‘I really don’t know what we’d have done without you.’

‘I’m glad to help,’ said Angela. ‘I always felt bad that I couldn’t do more when the children were small. I was too wrapped up in myself after Bill died to think about anyone else.’

‘Oh, right.’ That was unexpected. ‘Maybe you could tell Noel that sometime.’

‘Do you think he’d want me to tell him that?’ Angela looked so genuinely puzzled that Cat nearly burst out laughing. How was it that Angela and Noel were so incapable of understanding one another?

‘I know he would,’ said Cat. ‘Anyway, that’s in the past, you’re here now and we’re both incredibly grateful.’

It had been two days now since her mother’s fall, and Angela had moved in with a vengeance. But, for once, Cat was thankful for the forceful personality, which
ensured that things got done. The kids were far more in awe of Granny Nightmare than they were of Mum and Dad, and Cat was amazed at the difference in their attitudes towards room tidying. Angela had even prevailed on Mel and James to help out with household chores, and during the day when everyone was at home, she’d taken it upon herself to give the whole house a spring clean. Under normal circumstances, Cat would have bristled at this invasion of her house but, right now, she was so exhausted and shocked by the rapidity of what was happening to her mother, she was just grateful to come back to a house that was tidy and to a meal that she hadn’t cooked. Soon she was going to have to check her emails and see how things were at work, but she hadn’t quite got the energy for that.

‘It’s a pleasure,’ said Angela. ‘Your trouble is you take on too much. You don’t have to be Superwoman, you know.’

Cat sighed ‘It’s quite a hard habit to break,’ she said. ‘Once you’re used to doing things, it’s difficult not to keep feeling you
should
do them.’

‘Any news on your mother?’ Angela asked. Again, her quiet sympathy had been much appreciated. All these years of moaning about her, and Angela was turning out to be a great support in Cat’s hour of need. Better even than Noel, who seemed to be in some mental slump and unable to cope with anything. Cat knew they were both under pressure, but living with Noel at the moment was like walking on eggshells. Although he’d taken a couple of days off, he was now saying he was needed in the office. Which was fair enough, Cat supposed. It wasn’t Noel’s mum who was ill, and she knew they both couldn’t take time off indefinitely, but she just wanted him to be around, to feel that, if she needed to, she could howl on his shoulder. The worst thing about the collapse of her
mother was the sudden realisation that her days of being mothered were over. Now it was up Cat to take care of everyone else.

‘They’re holding a case conference later in the week,’ said Cat. ‘It turns out she has had a couple of TIAs on top of the Alzheimer’s, and they think she can’t really manage at home anymore. And I think that too, if I’m honest. I’d hate her to burn the place down or something.’

‘So what will you do?’ asked Angela.

‘She’ll come here, of course,’ said Cat, shocked that Angela could even think there was another option.

‘Oh.’ Angela looked disconcerted by this news, and Cat geared herself up for the inevitable lecture. ‘I really meant for the long term. She can’t stay here indefinitely.’

‘Why not?’ Cat said. ‘She’s my mother, and I’m all she’s got. I’m going to look after her as long as I’m able to.’

Angela looked gently at her daughter-in-law.

‘Cat, I know you think that now. But believe me, I’ve seen how hard it is for families caring for Alzheimer’s patients. You think you’ll cope, but it’s going to put a strain on everyone. On the children. On Noel. But most of all on you. Do you think that’s really fair? You should really think about that, you know.’

‘I have thought about it,’ said Cat, ‘and there’s no way my mum is going into a home. She’s coming home with us and that’s that.’

Noel was meeting a former colleague in a pub in town, who claimed to have some work for him. Now that GRB had finally given him the push, Noel decided he might as well try and get some consultancy work. But his colleague, a lanky engineer called Will, was pessimistic about Noel’s chances of success.

‘A year ago, yes,’ he said. ‘You’d have been calling all the
shots and been in high demand. But now, with the downturn in the economy…’

He didn’t need to spell it out. Noel had been a young engineer fresh out of uni in the early nineties. His first job had lasted eighteen months and, as he was last in, he’d been first out that time. It had taken him another year to find permanent work. But that was before Cat, and the children. He’d been on his own with no family to support. It hadn’t mattered that much if Noel didn’t work for a bit. Like Mr Micawber, he’d felt something would always turn up.

Noel sank his pint with something akin to despair. In his youth, he’d had that happy-go-lucky feeling that things would work out for the best somehow. More and more he now had the feeling that they
wouldn’t.
He knew his outlook was becoming increasingly pessimistic, but it was as if a malaise had taken over his soul. All those years of working so hard to achieve a home of his own, to be able to provide for his family, and now he’d lost his job, and wasn’t at all sure of getting another one. Although his redundancy money had given him a cushion, Noel was also worried about their financial situation, which was going to be looking distinctly dodgy if he didn’t get another job soon.

He was conscious also that Cat needed him at the moment and yet he found he couldn’t be the support to her that she deserved. Noel despised himself for his inability to help her, but yet he seemed powerless to prevent it. If only he could articulate some of what he was feeling, but Noel wasn’t good at that at the best of times. This wasn’t how he’d planned his life. He felt that everything was shrinking, becoming less. And he was becoming less with it.

Will had to get back to work, promising to give Noel a call ‘if anything came up’, but they both knew it was meaningless. Noel went for an aimless wander round town, before heading home on the bus. No point looking at electronic
gadgetry on Tottenham Court Road when you didn’t have any money to buy anything.

He felt in his pocket for change for the bus. His season ticket had just run out, and he wouldn’t be renewing it in a hurry. Noel still hadn’t told Cat about his change in circumstances. With the situation with her mother so tricky, it still didn’t feel like the right time. He found a card in his pocket, and pulled it out to look at it.

Ralph Nicholas

Hopesay Manor

Hope Christmas

Shropshire

There was a phone number and an email address. He thought back to their conversation and picked up his mobile.

‘So, how do we do this?’ Gabriel said, as he sat in the kitchen with Eve, feeling awkward. ‘We haven’t had any communication for six months, and I’m not sure where to even start. I know you’ve been very very ill but, Eve, I can’t help feeling angry about what you put us through. You have to know that. If we’re going to have a future together, I think we need to clear the air.’

Eve sat in silence for a moment.

‘You’re right,’ she said eventually. ‘But I can’t undo what I’ve done. I left because I felt you were suffocating me with your love.’

Gabriel bristled.

‘I know, I know, that sounds harsh, but it’s true. All the time I was with you, I wasn’t getting any better. Because you wouldn’t allow me to.’

It was Gabriel’s turn to fall silent. He found himself
chipping away at a splinter in the old kitchen table that had sat in his parents’ farm when he was growing up. Pippa had said more or less the same thing to him. And in recent months, he couldn’t deny it had felt like a huge relief, not to have to think about Eve and what she was doing every waking minute of the day.

‘And are you better now?’ He didn’t look at her when he said this and his voice came out tinny and harsh.

‘I think so,’ said Eve. ‘The therapy has certainly helped. I’ve realised that I have a lot of security issues relating to my mother, which I can’t do anything about. But I also realise that I can change things for the future. So I want to make some big changes in my life. Starting right here.’

‘Such as?’

‘Gabe, I don’t know how to say this.’ Eve did look very distressed, but Gabriel knew of old that she was good at putting on emotions to get her own way. ‘But whatever you might have thought, I’m not here to ask to come back. I think I’ve realised that that part of my life is over. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than me. I wish I could have been the farmer’s wife you wanted, but I can’t, and it was killing me. And coming back here and staying in that damp cottage I’m renting has confirmed I’m really not cut out for country living.’

‘Oh.’ A wave of pain washed over Gabriel. Despite it all, there had been a forlorn hope that somehow they could put the past behind them and move on, but she’d killed even that. Stephen was going to be devastated.
But you’re free to be with Marianne
, a voice whispered in his head, and suddenly he knew that whatever else happened it was okay. Eve had hurt him for the last time. She had no power over him anymore.

‘However, there is something else,’ said Eve. ‘I realise that at times I’ve not been the best mother to Stephen, but I am his mother.’

‘I would never stop you seeing him,’ said Gabriel. ‘You left him, remember?’

‘And it was a dreadful mistake,’ said Eve. ‘Of all the things I’ve learnt in the last few months, I know that for sure. Stephen is my son. And I want him back. And you can’t stop me getting him. Which is why I’m going to be suing for custody.’