Last Call (3 page)

when you first noticed it you were quoted as saying

it was the ugliest thing you'd ever seen

Changed my mind

Why? Isn't that a rarity?

Cause there aint another one around

I'd like for it to belong to me

I'd just like to say it was mine

Like about everything else in Garza County

Pretty much

Being your own man

is a good thing, Willy

it's a first step

towards economic

independence

which is an oxymoron

and self-reliance

which may be a status

more attainable

at this juncture

but you need to understand

being your own self-reliant man

means one thing:

making a map ahead of time

to find your way out of Hell

which is damned close

to the sum total

of everything on earth I've learned

up to this particular juncture

in the process

1

Monroe Newberry

coming down the street pushing his bicycle

front tire flopping like a wet flag

into Johnny Bert Ezell's filling station

What you got there, Monroe? he said

Monroe pointed at his bicycle, then at the tire, nodded

I can see that

it's a green one that uster be a Western Flyer

by its looks

before it got to be a personal modified

version of something else

you want to use the bay

yougn go back and patch that tire

Monroe shook his head

You don't know how to fix a flat tire?

Monroe shook his head

Your daddy he never shown you how to?

again

Well

Come on back then

it aint too busy this morning

I'll give you a lesson in how to do it

brang that back here

Okay lay it on its side and turn it upside down

standing up so wegn get to the wheel

now you take a pair of pliars and a monkeyranch

you just uncrack that nut like this

loosen it up to where the wheel comes off

you don't have to take the nut all the way off

it's a little harder on a back tire

you'll have to work it around the chain

you just aloosen it right here and slip it off the cog wheel

then it'll be pretty much the same thing with it, too

Okay you take and bring the wheel

over here on the bench and get you a flat head screwdriver

put it right here under the tire edge

prize it up like this over the rim

so now work that screwdriver down

lifting the whole tire edge over the rim, see?

if it's giving resistance and closing back up behind as you go

take and put the pliars handle up here

holt it open and now work that tire

all the way around until it's off the rim all over

Okay

you reach in underneath

get this inner tube out from under the tire

being careful not to jerk out the valve stem

push it through its hole like this

and take that inner tube off the wheel

bring it over to the air hose and fill it up

now put it in a bucket of water or run a waterhose over it like this

you'll see and mebbe hear the air hole

right there you see it? mark it with your finger

bring it back over to the bench and get your tire patching kit

I suppose you don't have one here's what it looks like

you can get you one at Bill Edwards Hardware and Appliance

it'll last you almost a lifetime

take this lid off the can you see the rough edge part on it?

scrape that air hole with it like this

rough it up so the suption will hold

now get out the glue, see?

squirt a little over that roughed part and the hole

spread it out and blown on it a little

next shake the rubber patches out of the can

find you one that will cover the hole

yours is a little one so I'd use a small patch

if they all gone cut a big one down to size

now pull off the hesive cover on the back of the patch

so the sticky side's out

just put that sonofagun right over that air hole

press down and smoothen it out

to where it's neatened and flat, you see?

before you put it back in the tire eyeball measure

from the valve stem to the patch where the hole was

take and run your finger on the inside of the tire to where that is

so yougn find out what made the flat tire

there it is, see? that's a goathead you runned over

so turn the tire over on the outside of where your finger is

see, it's right there

you'll need to get that sticker out with your fingers

or some pliars if you can't get purchase on it

it'd pay you in the long run to sweep your fingers all down

the inside of your tire to see if it's any other stickers poking through

yougn bust off the sharpies mebbe pick the stems out from the tread

save yourself doing it all over again before too long

if yougn get your daddy to give you a quarter

go down to Bill Edwards and buy you a tube of neverleak

and put it in, that'll stop most goathead flats

now we put that inner tube back

on the wheel getting the valve stem in straight

work that tire back around the rim over the inner tube like this

take your screwdriver and put it under the tire

lift it up and see, it just pops back on

so we'll air it up to 30

now we put this wheel back on the forks

tighten the nut up with the monkeyranch

and there you go. Done.

You think you can do it now?

Do what? said Monroe Newberry

Well I'll swan said Johnny Bert Ezell

I thought you might speak one day

and here it is

2

Did you hear a word I said, boy?

I was ashowing you how to do it and telling you

all the way

Didn't you hear?

Monroe nodded

But you can't do it yourself now

after watching me and telling you what to do?

Monroe scrunched his shoulders

Well then, that'll be a quarter, son

What for? said Monroe

That's good said Johnny Bert Ezell

For fixing your flat tire

it costes a quarter

Monroe held out his empty hands

What you got then?

Monroe shook his head

then put his hand in his pocket

pulled out a pocket knife

Give it here

Monroe shook his head

Why not? said Johnny Bert Ezell

shook his head again

Tell me said Johnny Bert Ezell

Daddy's said Monroe

Hegn get it back

I'll have it right here

hegn come for it

Johnny Bert Ezell held out his hand

Monroe scrunched his shoulders again

It'll be all right said Johnny Bert Ezell

I'm not gone keep it

Monroe put the knife in his hand

then pointed to the bicycle

Yep, she's ready to go

Monroe swung his leg over the bike

looked at Johnny Bert Ezell and said

See you

I'll hope it'll be sooner than later

said Johnny Bert Ezell

3

You took my pocketknife

away from my boy Monroe

said D'Wayne Newberry

That's not ezactly right said Johnny Bert Ezell

he owed me a quarter and he didn't have one

he give me that knife as collateral

What'd he own you a quarter for?

said D'Wayne Newberry

Fixing a flat tire

You charge a quarter for that?

it uster be a dime

Inflation said Johnny Bert Ezell

like the livestock man says on the radio

higher higher higher that's the way it goes

That wadn't his pocketknife

it's mine

he didn't have no right to give it to you

Yougn have it back

said Johnny Bert Ezell

I can?

Yessir

Give it here then

Nope, you've got to redeem it

A quarter?

No, I'll need a bit more seeing as it's purloined

it has sentimental value to me now

How much?

About a dollar's worth

A dollar said D'Wayne Newberry

that's almost as much as it costed new

Oh I imagine it cost moren that

Billy Klogphorne he collects pocketknives

I'll bet you he would give me upward

of a dollar for it used

You'd sell my pocketknife to Billy Klogphorne?

I don't have upwards of a dollar on me

Then it's a bargain for you said Johnny Bert Ezell

a dollar and six bits new at least

yougn have this one for a dollar even

and I sharpened the blades

You did?

Yougn shave the hair off your arm with it now

give you something to do at church during the sermon

How'd you know that? said D'Wayne Newberry

I'm not blind I seen you trying

now yougn get it accomplished

impress your girlfriend and boys

I haven't got no dollar on me

How much you got?

I don't know

let me see

quarter thirty five forty fifty five fifty seven cents

Tell you what

just today I'll give you a special deal

I'll redeem this here sharpened pocket knife to you

for fifty seven cents and to ease my conscience over the usury

I'll put that money in the collection plate this Sunday

as long as you'll make me a promise

What?

You'll buy your boy Monroe a patch kit

and teach him how to fix his own flat tire

from now on and if he doesn't learn it

next time it'll be a dollar fifty so that makes it a even better deal

you'll be saving yourself a whole dollar and four bits then

you think you can do that?

I dunno

maybe

he don't learn things too quick

Well, neither do you

but I hope so anyways now give me fifty seven cents

and yougn have this two dollar sharpened knife

we'll call it even

I suppose

somehow this don't seem right

I think you're taking a vantage of me

I'll have to thank about it but I might need that pocketknife

I guessed I don't have no choice

Nope, not today but you do for next time

I do?

Yep

you teach that boy how to take care of his equipment

it's gone save you a whole lot of money

time and trouble in the long run

I guarantee you that for a fact

so in that light you actually got a real bargain

you can be proud of negotiating

I hope the rest of your day goes real good for you

and that sharpened pocket knife makes you a good one

and for that boy of yours Monroe who incidentally

needs to be coming to my Sunday School class

at ten o'clock sharp this weekend

I hope you catch my drift

Bye now

say hey to that boy Monroe

Jerry Ray Newman on family vacation

ran half a block down the street

to the closest public pay phone

when the Operator said Number please

he said Can yall send a amblance

down here real quick

my mama she's hurt purdy good?

Can you tell me how she's hurt?

Walking down the street

here come this big goddam sowbitch

jalapeno pig with babies

her being a fleshy woman

she couldn't run as fast as the rest of us

it caught her and mault her real bad

she's a bleeding like a sieve

on that one leg

What is the location?

Right down the street from the motel

where we're staying at

Can you give me an address?

What's the address, Daddy?

he says it's 4th street and Rhododendron

Could you please spell that?

Wait. Hey Daddy

Okay, we'll carry her piggyback

up a block to 4th street and Fir

that's F, I, R

she's a hollering in a embarrassing manner

Daddy said could you ask that amblance

to get here in a hurry?

I am but mad north-northwest: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw

—Shakespeare,
Hamlet

1

Good windy day morning ladies and all you

notsowannabe gentlemen buckaroos

for the Pulitzer-level literati

it's going to be a Captain Call's half-broke wild mare romp

a genuine frost breath horrible tempered mean rodeo bucker

you'd rather milk than ride day

swirling winds out of the south 30 to 35 upwards

gusts running right up to the 60's, cloudy with highs in the low 40's

dropping

you stay inside right here with KJZZ

we'll play you some windy day jazz tunes

stay saddled up right here to get you through the soaring sand dunes

we'll buck you right to the moon

the man in his own words said at six o'clock this very morning

and I'm driving alone without Jan down the slurry seal into Jackpot,

Nevada

listening to jazz, the morning sage and Raft River bank brush

bent frostquivering willowwhite

and the road kill breakfast club buzzards

flap flapping across my window like sleetwind