Landslide (63 page)

We round the corner, Lola’s hand comfortably in mine. Through misty eyes I scan the area we were at before and through the sea of kids playing and parents huddled together talking, laughing, and sipping hot beverages as their younger children wait in line to sit on Santa’s lap, I spy Jerry animatedly speaking to a tree. A puff of gray smoke comes from behind it and disappears as it joins the gaiety of the holiday atmosphere. Jerry sees us and hands a coffee cup to the tree.

“You prolly know my daddy’s girlfriend too, don’t you?”

I stutter to a stop,
completely
unsure how to answer. “Um…I—uh…I—”
 

She interrupts, rescuing me from an incredibly awkward moment where no answer I could think of would’ve been an uncomplicated one or something she would understand. “Do you think she loves him still?”

“I think she must.” Following Lola’s gaze to see Cole watching us intently while leaning against the tree instead of hiding behind it, I have to admit to myself that he was right. Despite the awful thing he did, there was more to Holden, and he nor his life should be defined by that single act…he deserves to be remembered for all the good—he deserves grace and forgiveness.
 

Lola takes her hand from mine and turns to face me, tipping her head back a little so I bend to her level, knowing she wants to see my face when she asks, “Do you love my daddy?”

“Mmhm, I did. Everyone loved Holden,” I tell her and quickly wipe a tear from my cheek.

She giggles at me and rolls her eyes. “No, silly, not
that
daddy. I mean my
real
daddy.” Her arm swings around and she points at the tree behind her without looking. “Do you love him?”

Everything inside me comes to a complete and total halt. I can’t even breathe. On their own my eyes gravitate to Cole still leaning against the tree, wearing curiosity and maybe mild tension on his face. I look back to Lola and meet the innocence in her eyes, tears filling my own.

Terrified, I feel my head barely nodding as I whisper, “Is—Is that…okay with you?”

Lola smiles and nods enthusiastically. “Do you think you might love him happily ever after?”

Tears cascading down my face, I look at Cole again; unmitigated concern is clearly in his eyes and worry is etched deep in his face now. On alert, he pushes from the tree, and like when I thought I was dying, every memory spills through my mind. I feel
so
stupid. I don’t know how I didn’t see it years ago, and I don’t know how I ever thought I could get away with lying to myself
and
him once I did…or how I could even
consider
not fighting for us…not pouring every single
ounce
of myself into giving him everything he could ever want, like he’s given me all my life. I don’t know how I could be jealous or think he would ever put Lola ahead of me or his own child if we have one…he has more room in his heart than the sky has stars. All I know is that at the end, when I thought I was closing my eyes forever, I
had
to get back to him so I could make sure he knew that I have loved him
all
my life…and maybe it hasn’t been as much as he’s loved me, but I needed to tell him how much I
desperately
want to try to love him even more than that.
 

I look back at Lola’s expectant face, the soft brown of her eyes—of Cole’s eyes—intently staring back at me, insistent yet patient. For all the pain and loss she’s experienced, she doesn’t know what any of it feels like—it’s never truly touched her soul. Because of Cole—because of her
real
father. And I don’t know if I’ll ever have days where I feel hateful towards Holden or not, and I don’t know how the future will work or have even a clue what it’ll be like, but I know I want to help Cole make sure this little girl’s soul stays pure and untouched…I want to help bring her peace. And I know I can start doing that right now just by telling her the truth—truth that’s been buried in the past and by lies of all shapes and sizes…truth that
she
helped me unearth once and for all.

“There’s no might and I don’t have to think, Lola. I
know
I do. I know I love your daddy happily ever after.”

49

“All That You Are”

—Cole—

Exhaling while making my hand open and shut like the beak of a duck, I shake my head and roll my eyes at Jerry yammering about how his kid didn’t scar my daughter for life by showing her his wang. I mean goddamnit, she’s six! And let’s be real here…penises are
not
attractive in the least, even Payton would agree with that I’m sure, and seeing one had to be some scary shit for an innocent, six-year-old little girl.
My
innocent, six-year-old little girl.
 

“Come on, man…Roxy nosed him
really
good. He thought it was broken and he was afraid to look, that’s all! He’d barely even gotten his pants down before I came in and saw what was going on. Swear to God, she couldn’t have seen it for more than two seconds if that!”

“Nope. She’s ruined.
Your
son ruined
my
baby girl.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ… Ruined?! What do you want him to do? Marry her now?”

My jaw drops and I gasp in horror. “Are you out of your mind?! She’s not marrying Alec!”

“Are you saying my son isn’t good enough for your daughter?”

“Yes. Yes, I am. But it’s not him exclusively. It’s all boys. She’s too good for the lot of ‘em.”

“You are
so
screwed… I can’t wait until you’re standing on my doorstep begging me to get you drunk because she came home with her first boyfriend and she’s on her first date.”

“Never happening. She wouldn’t do that to me. Because
I’m
gonna tell her the
truth
about all guys. And that means she’s not getting married either.”

“Ha! You know you’re raising her to be the kind of girl who’ll be strong enough to know she’s capable of doing everything she wants to do, right? And you know
that
girl is gonna wanna get married. To a boy.”
 

 
“Nope…she’s never getting married. Simple as that.”

I put another cigarette in my mouth and go to light it with the already lit one when Jerry picks up his coffee cup that I’ve been using as an ashtray and shoves it at me. “Shit, put it out…they’re coming back.”

I drop the burning smoke into the cup and stuff the other one back in the pack, looking around at nothing and sort of smacking my lips together. “I need gum or mints or something.” I would eat Lola’s candy cane, but…that’s not cool. And I’d hear about it. For months. Or years…

He sighs and digs into his pocket, retrieving a small tin of mints as I peek around the tree to see if it’s safe and how much time I have. They’re talking so I casually step out from behind the tree and lean against it, as if I’ve been patiently waiting like this the whole time, and not going out of my mind wondering how they are, what they’re talking about, and not burning through just shy of half a pack of cigarettes while I wasn’t making myself insane.

You are an out of control, broken man…

Thank you. I realize that.

Just saying.

Mmhm. Whatever. I wonder if I can use the patch and gum simultaneously…

“Aren’t you afraid she’s gonna smell it on you?”

I stare at him and blink. “Well, I am now! Shit!”

“Hold please…” Jerry tells me, holding up one finger before stooping down to dig in his diaper bag. And I do mean his. Marcy carries her own and Jerry packs his with all kinds of crazy stuff—because his kids are always getting themselves into crazy situations. Like one time, Tyler put a stale Cheerio up his nose and it got stuck. That is until Jerry used a tiny pair of needle-nosed pliers he had in his dad bag to break it into three pieces that Ty could blow out.

 
“What do ya got? What do ya got?” I ask him, like a little kid, all anxious and excited to see what he pulls from his bag of tricks.

He stands up and presents me with three things: Raspberry-apple scented liquid hand sanitizer, a tube of sunscreen, and a car air freshener in the shape of a pine tree.

 
“
Genius
.” I grab all three and proceed to pat and rub myself down until I’m lightheaded from all the potent fumes combining into one, noxious odor that doesn’t smell great, but it sure as hell doesn’t smell like cigarettes either. I figure washing my hands off in the snow and using a little bit of it to dilute the smell combined with a minute or two of standing in fresh air will help it be not as overpowering by the time Lola gets over here.

That minute or two stretches out though into enough time for me to become worried. It seems like Erica keeps looking over here, although I can’t really tell because she’s bending down in front of Lola. She looks upset though. Like, I think she’s crying.

“Jer, is she crying? Is Erica cry—wha! No! Lola!” I holler when Lola suddenly bolts and leaves Erica standing there looking stunned.

It’s a parent’s worst nightmare and my instinct is to chase after my child first and
then
yell at her
and
Erica. I mean how hard is it to hold onto a little kid so they don’t run away from you and end up getting lost or taken?!

However, Jerry grabs my arm and uses his chin to call my attention to what Lola is actually doing. “Cole, wait. Look…”

At a dead sprint and amongst shouts of aggrieved protests, Lola has managed to push her way through the line of kids waiting to see Jerry’s grandfather—better known as Santa Claus. She even knocks a little boy down trying to get past him. And before I can form words in my head to define what I’m seeing, she ducks and dodges arms, stumbles over a poinsettia and bumps into a pail filled with candy canes which has them spilling out all over the ground, and then she scurries past two more elves trying to keep her from usurping the next kid’s turn. Free of obstacles finally, she crawls onto Santa’s lap and hugs him tight.

Tears already falling, my head swings around to stare at Erica; she’s mere feet from me now and still wearing surprise on her face along with tears of her own as she walks up and Jerry leaves to go nab Lola, the Terrorist of Christmas Present.

“She just took—”

“You
better
not have just lied to my daughter.”

Please say it’s true, please say it’s true… Oh, Jesus…please.

“Wha—I”

“She thinks you’re a Christmas miracle, Erica.” I can hardly breathe, petrified of releasing the question that’s burning in my mouth.

Her eyes widen, realization dawning within them. “Oh my G—”

Because I know my entire life and all I hold dear—
everything
—my dreams realized or the rest of my life spent living in Hell all hinge on the answer. On
one
word—a simple yes or no.

“Are you?”

Trembling and trying to control her breathing, Erica shakes her head. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt; it thunders through me and puts a stranglehold on my heart. Until she actually answers me…

“She is.”

Not knowing if my heart is about to explode in the best way or the worst, I whisper, “What does that mean?”

Frantically wiping her eyes and blinking, Erica struggles to form words, and although she finds them and they’re spoken in sobs, they’re like the most glorious hymn I’ve ever heard being sung.

“I saw your face in the mountain. And I honestly thought I was dying, but I wasn’t afraid because you were there with me. I thought I was ready. But I’m not. I can’t die until I’ve loved you as much as you love me. More if I can. And I didn’t think I’d be able to do it…I thought I was too broken and not strong enough, and I was so scared, Cole. I was so terrified that I would look at her and see him and feel only hate, and it would change me. I was afraid of becoming someone you wouldn’t love because of her. But…all I see when I look at her is…you. I see
love
. She’s
your
love personified, Cole. She’s the miracle.”

Unadulterated exhilaration mixes with fear of reaching out to capture all that I’ve longed for my entire life only to have it disintegrate before my eyes. “You have to be sure. If there is even a
whisper
of a doubt in your mind that this isn’t forever, you need to walk away now. I’m not strong enough to lose you again. I’m not. And I won’t subject her to that even a little bit. It has to be
forever
. You have to be sure.”

“I have never been…more sure of anything…except that you are
everything
to me. You have kept me alive when I didn’t even know it was you doing it. My life is meant to be spent loving you. You’re my life’s purpose, Cole. I know that, deep down where things go bump in the night. Please know it too. Please?”
 

Drowning in the eyes of my everything as they beseech mine, bleeding with faith and hope for a lifetime forever spent together, I respond the only way I can.

I take her
beautiful
tear-stained face in my shaking hands and kiss her.

It’s the most incredible and meaningful kiss ever; more than what even the most skilled teller of fairytales can describe. It’s as if when our lips met, the heavens opened up and God’s smile is for once shining down on us, blessing us and our long-awaited union. And I don’t know what the first kiss after being pronounced husband and wife feels like, but if it’s anything like this one, I’ll marry her every day for the rest of my life and into eternity. Or, I just won’t ever take my lips from hers again. Because this kiss is forever.
We’re
forever.

“See, Mr. Jerry! I told you! I told everyone I was extra good this year!”

“Yeah, I see, honey.”

“Grampa! Look! She loves my daddy!”

“Mmhm. That she does.”

“Can I have my Christmas guinea pig now? I wanna name it Kevin Two. Or!
No
! I’m gonna name it Mewtwo, on account that he’s the one who came up with our family motto.”

“Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

“Whatever I want?! I want you and my daddy to stop smoking. It’s yucky and bad for you.”

“How do y— Oh, never mind.”

“Um, Grampa? Should I be self-censoring?”