Landslide (50 page)

She rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in the air, both clearly depicting her utter irritation. “You were pissed off, Cole! I thought you wanted some time to yourself to calm down!”

I have to give her that one. But…the more I think about it, the more it becomes apparent that she hasn’t done anything tonight or over the last weeks to show me she feels even remotely close to how I feel about her. “Why didn’t you kiss me earlier? When the power first went out? You had the chance and you just stood there.”

“Why didn’t
you
kiss
me
?”

I squeeze my eyes shut again and pinch the bridge of my nose. The pain building behind my eyes and forehead from going round and round with her is just the icing on the cake. “Because I was testing you. All night I was waiting for you to come to me. I needed you to. And when Holden posthumously stepped on my toes—again—you went ahead and walked straight back into the past with him rather than participating in the present with me.”

“Cole, that’s not fair, I’m not a mind-reader. And I told you, seeing his stuff like that took me by surprise. He was a part of both our lives and we hadn’t talked about him
at all
…it felt wrong to ignore that. And I didn’t know you wanted me to decorate with you. I thought you wanted to do it yourself. Had you asked me though, I would’ve stopped going through all that stuff and paid attention to you like you wanted me to.”

“Come on, Erica…I shouldn’t have to
ask
for your attention when I’m the only one in the house. The only one alive anyway…”

“Oh my God…it’s almost like you think that by looking at pictures and reminiscing, I was cheating on you with someone who’s been dead for more than a third of my life!”

I pull up short, because that’s it. In a nutshell, that’s it. “Yeah. That’s how it felt back then. Except you weren’t cheating
on
me. You were cheating with me. Because I’m the one still breathing.” Her face falls and I know I’m right. “It still feels like that. You were
so
far away tonight, you might as well have not even been here at all.”

“Cole, when I look back on my life, Holden is there, but not like you are. You’re the epicenter of my life. You always were and always will be. You’ll stand the test of time because you’re at the foundation of everything that has ever mattered or meant something. Tonight I needed to be somewhere I felt safe. I came here. I needed to be with someone I trust and I came here. I didn’t even consider anyplace or anyone else. I just came here. From the moment you opened the door tonight though, I felt like you would’ve preferred I hadn’t. Seriously, almost all night it’s felt like that…that you didn’t want mere here at all.”

“I didn’t.”

“Well, that’s fantastic. I love you so please excuse me while I go out of my way to make it clear that you’re not welcome in my house.”

It’s a fine use of sarcasm on her part, although the scene playing in my head prohibits me from appreciating it. “I was at your house this morning. I met Greg. He was in his underwear and your Oregon sweatshirt.” Her eyes grow round and rain clouds begin to form in them once again. “I shook hands with him, Erica. And then I left him alone with you. In what he thought was friendly conversation, he told me you stayed at his place that one night and that he was planning on moving up here and proposing to you again.

“I mean he was
really
waving his I heart Erica flag loud and proud, and from the way he said everything, completely and totally non-psychotic, I figured you had to be on board. I was
so
convinced of that. I was done. And once you told me what actually happened and that the guy is a legitimate danger, I…well, I haven’t been that kind to myself tonight, and I really needed you to make an effort for once. I needed to know that I mean something to you other than being
that
guy…the one you call because you want something. But that’s exactly who I am to you.”

“No, Cole. You’re not. You
never
were.”

“No? Remind me when I wasn’t.”

“Remind you?”

“Yeah, remind me. I need you to jog my memory on that because all I remember is being a surrogate for Holden.
Especially
after he died. You’d hear something or see something that reminded you of him, or have a dream or nightmare that he was
always
the star of, and I’d pick up the pieces. Every. Single. Time. You were like a junkie and I was your go-to pharmacy. I’d open myself up and make myself into whatever drug you needed and then once I’d given you the fix you craved, I was the one left going through withdrawals.”

“See?! You let me use you! You
let
me! You know what though, I’m done feeling bad about myself for it. That’s on you now. I tried to make up for it and express my appreciation for everything you ever did for me then and before he passed and it doesn’t matter anyway…nothing I say can change any of that now.”

“True. So, if I’m really not that guy like you’re wanting me to believe, then why couldn’t you kiss me earlier? How hard is it to do when we’re alone and I’m standing right in front of you? You did it at the bowling alley to prove a point to a fucking sixteen-year-old, where you also made damned certain that everyone knew we’re
just
friends, but when we’re alone and you taking the initiative might mean something, you get gun-shy? What is that?”

“Gun-shy? You’re calling
me
gun-shy? Who’s the one who’s slammed on the brakes every single time we’ve ever gone for a test drive together?”

“If you’re talking about that night in the hot tub, we were toasted and I told you then I didn’t want it to be like that. And you agreed. Most every other opportunity I’ve had Holden to contend with and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna be your consolation prize, sugar. I don’t wanna settle for being the guy you settle for. I want to be craved and desperately wanted. I want to be loved with reckless abandon. And until I’m sure I am, I won’t take a backseat to anyone else, especially someone you don’t know how to let go of.”

“I let him go, Cole. I think it’s
you
who can’t.”

“Sweetheart, I wasn’t bullshitting when I said I think about him every day, but I don’t get weepy and lament his loss when I do. I don’t focus on the tragedy of how young he was and what promise his life used to have. And I don’t ever let his loss of life keep me from living mine. You do. And don’t tell me you don’t because I’m a veteran at recognizing the signs. I can see it on your face and in every movement…something comes over you and I know you’re thinking of what could’ve been.”

“Did you ever stop to think I might be thinking about what could’ve been with
you
? Of course not, because you’ve had yourself
convinced
for years and years that I
only
ever loved Holden, and that I
only
ever wanted him. Well, I have news for you, Cole. I wanted you more. More than Holden or
any
one else ever.”

“Oh really. And when was that? When I cut you off in mid-stride because you were drunk on three bottles of wine and I wouldn’t go along with your whim of turning me into your one-night fuck buddy like Captain America?”

Her nostrils flare and her eyes flash violently as she glares and slowly shakes her head at me, her temper pricked but good. Turing to stare into the fire, though, she takes her time. Breathing in and out. She does it so long, without a word or look, I begin to wonder if that was it; if she’s ever speaking to me again.

After that barb, would you really blame her if she didn’t?

No. It would’ve been nice though if you’d piped up before I threw it. I mean, Jesus Christ, you have the shittiest timing.

Sorry, buddy. I’m just a spectator and your own personal peanut gallery, which means I’m rarely anything other than reactionary. Which also means I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna get out of this monster hole you’ve dug. Or, you know, if you even do…

41

“Take Me To Church”

—Cole—

We’ve never actually fought before. Not once. Not even when we were kids. And I wish I could take tonight back so as to keep that track record unblemished. I know I can’t though. And wishing it doesn’t make me feel any less infantile or unforgivably churlish to snap at her the way I had.

I open my mouth to attempt some form of apology, feeling though that an apology won’t cut it now, as it’s
years
past the time of when anything like damage control could’ve had any hope whatsoever at being effective. Then Erica moves and I hold my breath as she bends down and picks up a chunk of broken crystal. I watch her, almost transfixed, as she casually inspects it in the firelight, turning it this way and that so it glints and sparkles like a real-life star in her hand.

“No. The only thing I was drunk on at the time was you. Even so, I was fully aware. Like I never have been before or since. I didn’t understand that I was feeling your love for me but I used how you made me feel as inspiration one night a week or so later…the night we trusted each other more than any soul dead or alive. I wanted you to feel the same way I felt. And I felt
worshipped
, Cole. Profoundly. You have given and given and given of yourself to me, but you fight and refuse to let me even
try
to give back.”

“We’ve fought a long and bitter war, my twin soul and I…”

Seriously? Now?

Well, if I may, I would be so bold as to offer some words of wisdom here…seeing as how you sniped at me for not speaking up a few minutes ago.
 

Without warning, Erica yanks the t-shirt over her head and then slides her thumbs under the elastic of both the boxers and her panties, pushing them down to her ankles and steps out, and with no fanfare to speak of, she stands in front of me, completely naked as my eyes drink in every drop until I have to look away. I have to or I’ll give in to the maddening temptation to throw her down and truly devour her with more than my eyes.

I’m listening. Or, trying to…

In the immortal words of Pat Benetar, “love is a battlefield.” And from Mr. Rufus Wainwright, or whoever originally did it, “love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”
 

I’m failing to see the meaning here…

You have been at war. With Holden, with Erica, but mostly, with yourself. Because that’s what being in love is. It’s a brutal, bloody fight and what everyone hopes for is that it endures until death, even though the kind of love worth dying for usually hurts like a mother fucker at one point or another. There are magnificent ups and hellacious downs, you are going to fuck up and so is she, there will be wins and there will be losses. She has landed point after point in tonight’s battle. She has listened, she has argued, she has tried her very best to get through to you, giving you examples of defining moments in HER life where it was you who shone brighter than any evening star, not him, and you’ve stubbornly held onto your misguided scepter of piety and refused to accept what she’s telling you because you’re afraid. For years, even from before the moment you took her in your arms while she cried herself to sleep the night of his funeral, you’ve had Holden perched on a bejeweled throne and have blamed him for usurping your power and your lack of courage to overthrow him where Erica is concerned, and you’ve been transferring your fear onto her ever since, convincing yourself without a doubt that you will always be second to Holden because he was the end all be all for her. She’s telling you in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t. You’ve been looking for proof. Try having some faith. You still have a hurdle to get across, there’s no question, but this is war, and strategically, she’s right. It can wait. Airing that laundry out tonight won’t change the past, it won’t change how you feel, it won’t change how you’ve chosen to live your life and will continue to do so, with or without her, and it won’t bring either of you closer to the promised land.

“Look at me.”

I close my eyes and through my nose I inhale what I hope will be a steadying breath before I open them again, forcing them to stay on her face only.

 
“Holden never looked at me the way you did…the way you’re looking at me right now. No one has. It’s how you looked at me the first night we got to that last campsite…the night at the cove. I
rejoiced
in how you made me feel when you looked at me and touched me that night. I wanted you. Desperately. I didn’t say anything though because like the night of Holden’s funeral, I thought I would be forcing you into something you didn’t want to do, and I promised myself that I would never cross that line again. I thought you were just trying to distract me, because that’s what you did the whole summer, like it was your heavenly host-ordained job or something. I didn’t know that you were looking at me that way because you actually wanted
me
. But you did, didn’t you?”

You say you want to be loved with reckless abandon yet you’ve fought tooth and nail to keep your own love for her from shining for even her to see, let alone the world. Stop letting fear and a dead dictator snuff your light out. Shine bright like a diamond, dude.

With my reluctance ebbing, my eyes boldly burn a trail from hers down the resplendence that is her body and then back up again. “I wanted you. I always have. But the time you’re talking about…yeah, you read me right. I couldn’t do anything except think about how much I love you, and I wanted you that night more than any other. Until now.”

“Then take me. If you want me, then for once in your life, don’t work so hard at being worthy of what’s being offered to you freely. Just take what you want. Show me that the look on your face means you love me so that you can finally see the same thing in mine…”
 

To the victor go the spoils of war. Tonight, that’s you. Now, ditch this ridiculous sweater and claim your damned prize. Hallelujah and amen?

Boundless and without inhibition, compelling truth finally surges through me, immediately transforming me into a zealot, intrepid and absolute, the very moment I pull her to me. Not a scant second is allowed to tick by before we’re wholly engaged on the righteous field of battle, sharing breath after breath, broken and ragged as they’ve become already. It’s a right here right now moment, although the hunk of glass I can feel underfoot through my sock has me breaking the kiss to look around in evaluation of our nearby options. There isn’t much.