Lacy (36 page)

He shrugged. "Plenty of reason."

"It won't help."

"That's what you think." He moved
closer, but instead of sitting in the chair beside the bed, he sat down on it,
his hip against her thigh.

"Don't!" she whispered, glancing past
him at the closed door.

"Why not? Is it too intimate?" he
asked, with a mocking smile. "I made you pregnant. Cole knows. He isn't
going to be shocked if he sees me sitting on your bed."

"You told Cole?" She closed her eyes,
choking on the shame.

"I told him everything," he said
heavily. His big hand rested on her belly over the quilt. "My child,"
he whispered roughly. "That's twice, Katy. Twice!" His voice broke.

His wife had died pregnant. Now Katy had lost a
child of his. She could feel his pain.

"I'm sorry, Turk," she said gently,
hurting for him.

"You're the one who needs comforting, not
me," he said with a harsh breath. "I don't need pity."

"Yes, you do." She held out her arms
to him.

He wasn't going to show her any silly weakness,
he told himself. But it would be nice to let her hold him, just for a few
seconds. With a long, shuddering sigh, he laid his head on her breasts, and she
cradled him there, smoothing his thick blond hair, gently caressing him. He
felt the wetness in his eyes, but of course, it wasn't tears. He closed them,
aware of the chill against his cheek as the wetness dampened them.

Katy felt them against her breast and she held
him closer, giving way to her own grief. All she'd ever wanted in her life was
in her arms right now, but it gave her no pleasure to know that he was only in
them out of grief and guilt. He'd sent her away. He hadn't wanted her.

"I wanted the baby," she whispered
involuntarily. "I wanted him so! When I lost him, I thought I'd never be
able to bear it. I hated Danny!"

His arms slid under her, drawing her closer, and
he lay there, home at last, at peace at last, until his breathing regulated and
there was no longer any wetness in his eyes or Katy's.

Katy swallowed her anguish at last and
stiffened, so that Turk would get up.

He did, feeling her rejection, seeing pride make
her face rigid, her eyes evasive as she dabbed at tears.

"Your friend Wardell has muzzled the
newspapers,"Turk said quietly, watching the shock on her face. "He
told Cole he'd go to the chair before he'd involve you in his trial."

"Oh, thank God," she said. "At
least Mother's been spared any more shame on my account." She saw the
anger in Turk's face and grimaced. "He tried to protect me," Katy
said defensively. "He.. .loves me," she added. She didn't add that it
hurt her that she'd taken so much from Wardell and given back so little.

"You slept with him,"he ground out.
"You could be pregnant..."

"There was only one time." She stared up
at him bravely. "And he's sterile," she whispered. "He told me
when I lost the baby and couldn't stop crying. He knew how it felt, he said,
not to have a child. He can't have any, you see."

"And your.. .husband?"

It was difficult to talk about it, but he wasn't
quite sober and he wasn't going to let go until he had it all. She stared at
her pale hands on the colorful quilt. It was a memory quilt, one Marion
Whitehall had made just for her out of scraps of leftover cloth from dresses
she'd worn, dresses even her grandmother had worn, so that she looked at the
fabric and remembered all the clothing that went into its creation.

"Danny.. .couldn't,Turk,"she said
finally. "Only once or twice, when we were first married. Then he started
using drugs and he wasn't.. .able to. I think that was why he beat me."
She shivered as the fear came back.

He took her hand in his and held it tight.
"I had no right to ask," he said unsteadily. "God knows, I've
been a rounder." His eyes were solemn as they met hers. "Since you, I
haven't been with any other woman, Katy," he said slowly, averting his
eyes.

She didn't know what to say. Probably the guilt
over what he'd done caused him to become a Puritan. "You don't have to go
that far," she said. "Nobody blames you for what happened. It was my
fault
..."

"No!" he said softly, frowning.
"It isn't because I felt guilty." His fingers lifted hers to his
chest. "Katy, don't you understand? I don't
want
anyone
else."

She colored and her eyes dropped like coals.

"Which could have been better put," he
said, with a heavy sigh. "I'm tipsy, darling."

"I've noticed."

He nibbled on her fingertips. "It's all
sordid and distasteful to you now, because of what happened. But you'll get
over it," he said. "All you need is a little time."

"Of course I'll get over it." She drew
her fingers away from that disturbing caress. "I think I'll join a
convent."

"No, I can't let you do that. I'd look
pretty stupid in a habit." Her eyebrows lifted curiously.

"Where you go, I go," he said, with
quiet determination. "I let you get away once. Never again."

She bit her lower lip. "I can't be intimate
with you," she whispered. "I know what Danny made me into,
but..."

He drew in his breath sharply. "You think
because of what he forced you to do that I see you only as means to satisfy my
lust, is that it?" he asked roughly. "My God! Do you really think I'm
that low, Katy?"

"You're just a normal man," she said,
hedging. "But I'm not a normal woman anymore. What happened in Chicago
...
changed me."

She shivered. He turned her face toward his,
made her look at him.

"You wanted the baby."

"Yes," she said uneasily.

His fingertips touched her mouth. "I would
have wanted it, too."

"I know."

He hesitated. "I'm thirty years
old,"he said slowly. "Even older than Cole." He pushed back
wisps of hair from her cheek, oddly hesitant. "I would.. .like to have a
child." He lifted his eyes to hers and held them. "Wouldn't
you?"

Her body stiffened as she read what he was
asking. But she couldn't speak.

"I'm fertile," he said quietly.
"I must be, to have made you pregnant so easily before." He took a
strand of her hair in his big fingers and stared at it. "I think a child
would be good for both of us, Katy. It would help to heal the scars."

"I've disgraced the family enough,"
she began slowly.

His eyes came up. "We'd be married first,
naturally," he said quickly. "I wouldn't ask you to give me a child
out of wedlock."

Her face went white. Her eyes, in their ghostly
oval, shimmered like wet moss. "I can't!"

"Why not?"

Her head rolled sideways on the pillow so that
she couldn't see him. "I don't want to have sex."

His eyes closed. "Oh, my God," he
groaned.

"I'm sorry." She felt the tears start
again. "I'm sorry, sorry! I can't bear it!"

It was because of the trauma of what she'd been
through. He knew it. But he didn't know how to cope with it, what to do. The
mind was such a complex thing. She might never be able to face intimacy again
after the sordid shock of her last experience.

The only thing that gave him hope was that she'd
loved him. Love didn't die, even if it had the stuffing pummeled out of it.
Love never died. If he were patient, and gentle, and kind, he might kindle it
in her slim body again. He might win her.

"It's only been two days," he said
softly. "Hardly enough time to recover, to face the future. I'm not asking
anything of you now. I'm only making sure you know my intentions. I'll make
sure Cole knows them, too "he added grimly. "And he can kick and rave
all he likes. This time, he'll not keep me away from you. Not even if he fires
me or beats me bloody, I swear it."

She turned back to him slowly, still uncertain
and afraid.

"You've loved me so long that it's a way of
life for you," he said slowly, and without conceit. "You've buried
it, because I said I didn't want it. But I'll find where you've put it, and
I'll dig it right back up. Because I do want it, now," he added very
softly. "I want it with all my heart."

"I'm dead.. .in here," she whispered,
putting her hand over her heart.

"No, you aren't. You're just numb from all
the hurt." His big hand covered hers, warm and strong, moving it so that
he could feel the warm softness of her, the quick beat of her heart. His thumb
slowly traced the soft nipple and made it hard. Then he slid his palm over it
and cradled it. His eyes met Katy's shocked ones. "Your mind doesn't want
that. But your body does. Eventually you'll heal, little one. I can wait until
you do. Even for a lifetime."

He put his hand on her cheek and smiled as he
bent and touched his lips to her forehead. "It's all right. Your scarlet
past doesn't put me off, you know," he said. "I've never told you
about mine."

Her eyes searched his curiously.

"You don't know why Cole and I are friends
"he said, answering the unasked question. "Why I owe him so much.
I'll tell you one day." He got to his feet and stretched hugely, his
bloodshot eyes calmer. "I guess Cole's right. I'd better give him the rest
of the vodka."

"Why were you drinking?"

His big shoulders lifted and fell. "It hurt
me, knowing about the baby," he said simply, no longer hiding his
feelings. "I've caused a lot of damage, haven't I, Katy?"

"I've
caused a lot of damage," she replied. "I have to
take the responsibility for what I did,Turk. You can't share it." She took
a slow breath. "I broke all the rules. I deserve a little misery."

"I don't think so. Neither does
Wardell,"he added coldly.

"He loved me," she said sadly. "I
felt so guilty." She didn't add that most of her guilt was because the
poor man had loved her so desperately—and even at the height of her pleasure she
was pretending that he was Turk! She couldn't admit that, though. Not even to
Turk.

Turk, on the other hand, could hardly bear the
thought of her in another man's arms. He could imagine how Wardell had felt,
but did Katy love the mobster? Had she wanted him?

"You were drinking that night, you said..
."he began, wanting her to tell him that it was the alcohol that had put
her in Wardell's arms.

She couldn't look at him. Her face was scarlet.
"Yes. And I was so scared of Danny. Wardell was caught in the middle. He
wanted nothing to do with Danny, but he was afraid for me."

"I should have married you," he said
harshly. "None of this would ever have happened if I'd asked you to
stay."

"I didn't have to marry Danny," she
said stubbornly. Her eyes glistened. "I deserve what I got," she said
huskily, averting her face. "When you break the rules, you pay the
price."

"My God," he said heavily. "What
a price it is!"

He turned and went to open the door. He didn't
look back. Jealousy was eating him alive. "Do you love Wardell?"

She couldn't say that without admitting what she
felt for Turk. She kept silent.

He closed the door behind him, and Katy lay
staring at it. She gave in to the tears one last time and finally slept.

Lacy cleared away the clean supper things, her
mind on all thai had happened. She glanced at Faye, who was pale and quiet. The
two of them had done dishes while Cole andTurk checked the livestock.

"Are you all right?" she asked gently.

"Oh, sure!"Faye said, and managed a
smile. "I got all the washing done. Good thing it didn't rain!"

"Indeed." Lacy put away her apron.
"Have you heard from your father?"

"He came by long enough to see how I was.
He doesn't mind about the kid," she said, with a grin. "I guess I'm
the scarlet girl, but I don't mind, either."

"Someday people will be less judgmental and
more compassionate," Lacy said. "If we ever have a society where
there are no hypocrites," she added ruefully. "Meanwhile, you can
stay with us."