Kung Fu High School (4 page)

Beyond all that, I can say Kung Fu's probably the most equal place in the whole world, real egalitarian. It don't matter what you look like or where you're from or what your religion is. It don't matter if you're a girl or a boy or if you like boys or girls or both. Nobody cares. Just don't shove it in anyone's face. Can you fight? Good, because that's all that matters. You might as well make it a conscious decision. Make it easy on yourself

Of course, ALWAYS travel with a family member wherever you go.

4. Learn How to Sew

Home economics is probably the most popular class at Kung Fu. No joke. No class saved more lives last year. Got a sturdy vest? Sew some Kevlar into it. Reinforce all daily-use clothing with padding and plating. The lighter the better, the stronger the better. Steel is stupid, too heavy. Aluminum is best because it's durable and light. Thick turtlenecks with molded throat protection are standard. Reinforce those earmuffs you got lying around. It's easy. Remove the outer layer and pull out all the cotton filling. Replace it with aluminum cut to fit. Voila! That's arts and crafts the Kung Fu way. Sweatshirts and vests lined with serious internal organ protection are prized. The people who are best with the needle are usually put to work making garments for the whole family. They're called sew masters. Everyone wears a cup, even a modified version for girls. The pubis breaks easily. Get used to it.

Of course, the armor can backfire. Ronny from the Blades was wearing a wool hat lined with aluminum when he got chopped in the skull and the metal sewn into the lining nearly took his ears off. It would have too, if he didn't luck into such a good surgeon.

5. Shut Up, Part 2

Don't ever talk to anyone outside your family. Forget about all that Romeo and Juliet, two lovers from opposing families bullshit. Don't ever approach a member of another family unless you got a problem or a challenge. I've seen some nasty circles get started out of nowhere and it's all because some boy thought some girl was giving him eyes and maybe they could hook up. Next thing he knows, she's tearing him up in the round. You want sex or love? Get it from inside your family. If not, wait 'til you leave Kung Fu, if you can.

FIGURE 1. HOW TO MALE THROAT PROTECTION

FIGURE 2. HOW TO MAKE THROAT PROTECTION HIDDEN

6. Pick a Fight Here, Start a Fight There, But Also Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses.

This is crucial. It's impossible to be invisible at Kung Fu. Ridley has everyone ranked. So you have to fight someone sometime and since you do, do your absolute best to pick your battles. Always go through your family Mom or Pop and have them set it up, never take someone on yourself and never fight someone you don't know. Know your opponent and know yourself. Got a weak chin? Fight someone who brings it to the body. Just be smart, simple, and unafraid. It takes real skill, intelligence, toughness, and courage to face up to someone a foot taller and forty pounds heavier than you and still crack them a solid one before you have to go to the hospital for a well-earned vacation. ALSO: don't be too good. Be just good enough. The closer you are to the middle of the pack, the less likely it is that anyone'll be shooting for you.

There's a seventh rule though, even if nobody ever really talks about it: Always Avoid Principal Dermoody and Cap'n Joe. You get called down to Dermoody's fortress for skipping class or vandalizing the girls' bathroom, DO NOT GO. Sure, you want to go, you want to trust him, but don't. Show the pass to the head of your family. They will take care of it for you. ALSO: if you see Dermoody's bodyguard, Cap'n Joe, walk the other way fast. Do not get within his reach for any reason. Be smart always.

I guess it's real hard to know anything about the school unless you know something about the families. Most of this stuff is just my opinion and came from one of my old notebooks so don't get too excited. Of course, I'm gonna be biased as hell and I'm sure lots of people probably disagree with me. The numbers might be wrong as well. Too bad.

I rated everything out of eight, not ten. Don't know why really, it just seemed right. The stats part I took from a video game at that one arcade, Jerry's Cosmic Dungeon. It's on Winnick Avenue, just off the downtown loop if you wanna go see for yourself Couldn't think of any other way to do it really and that seemed good enough for this. Roll over it. Dress it up. Put a flag in it. Here goes:

Runners

Grand Championship Victories: 2 (Counting 1 as Muds)
Members: 402, I think
Favored Styles: Leg fighting
Top Fighter: Donnie K.
Power: 4
Stamina: 6
Courage: 4
Speed: 7
Chin/Body (Defense): 6
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent): 6
Special Moves: Hurricane Jump, Liquid Legs, Golden Griffin Kick

See, they got their name from running drugs for Ridley back when he first came to Kung Fu. They absorbed the Muds four years ago. Although they aren't very good fighters on the whole, they're pretty damn loyal to Ridley because he stopped the Wolves from cannibalizing them two years back. Stuff like that doesn't get forgotten at Kung Fu. Serious.

Whips

Grand Championship Victories: 1
Members: 363
Favored Styles: Varies, although they prefer elusive types of combat techniques
Top Fighter: Bruiser C.
Power: 3
Stamina: 7
Courage: 5
Speed: 7
Chin/Body (Defense): 5
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent):
5
Special Moves: Dragon Claw Tackle, Sizzling Sling, Shark Fin Suplex

Whips run interference for Ridley. Always have, really. If he needs a disturbance caused across town to distract the cops' attention from an extra large shipment, he sends Whips. That's just how it is. No one questions it. They're a regular terror squadron: bombing out stores, tipping trucks over on the highway, doing whatever they got to do. Whips are probably the most dangerous of the families loyal to Ridley. Bruiser is a badass fighter.

Fists

Grand Championship Victories: 3
Members: 320
Favored Styles: Strong hand techniques only
Top Fighter: Maria R.
Power: 7
Stamina: 3
Courage: 7
Speed: 1
Chin/Body (Defense): 7
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent): 7
Special Moves: Frozen Palm, Metacarpal Bomb, Windwalker

Typical foot soldiers: not real smart, courageous though, and pretty damn strong. I've personally seen Maria knock out plenty of chumps with one punch. Other than that, there isn't a whole lot to say about the Fists. They're pretty boring fighters because they fight like mad buck gorillas and don't exhibit much of a style.

Blades

Grand Championship Victories: 2
Members: 463
Favored Styles: Ninpo, Ninjitsu
Top Fighter: Karl F-H.
Power: 2
Stamina: 6
Courage: 3
Speed: 6
Chin/Body (Defense): 4
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent): 8
Special Moves: Nail Gun Spin, Shadow Volcano, Nightfall, ??? (unknown attack)

Blades are one of the original families. That counts for something. They've pretty much remained unchanged through the years. Bandits, all of them. Still doing all the dirtiest work for Ridley. Nothing so glamorous as running the shipments or creating diversions, but more along the lines of cleaning up messes that inevitably happen in the drug trade. They know where the bodies are. They also know where the heads, arms, and legs to those bodies are, shit like that.

Wolves

Grand Championship Victories: 2 (l as Goons)
Members: 488
Favored Styles: Varies, although they prefer elusive combat techniques
Top Fighter: Melinda A.
Power: 3
Stamina: 7
Courage: 5
Speed: 7
Chin/Body (Defense): 5
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent):
5
Special Moves: Frostbite Cross Combination, Timber Claw Double Kick, Permafrost Punch

Wolves have always maintained their independent spirit, staying well clear of Ridley, even after combining with the Goons. Melinda is probably the smartest of the fighters at Kung Fu and is real good at picking her battles. The Wolves haven't won the Grand Championships in a few years and are a bit desperate to get another title.

Waves

Grand Championship Victories:
5
(1 as Wrecks, 2 as Saws)
Members: 601
Favored Styles: Primarily defensive, aikido and several lost kung fu styles
Top Fighter: Kyuzo B.
Power: 5
Stamina: 5
Courage: 8
Speed: 5
Chin/Body (Defense): 8
Cuts (Chance to be cut and open cuts on an opponent):
5
Special Moves: Tsunami Uppercut, Tidal Throw, Ocean Floor Earthquake Kick, plus two other attacks I'm not allowed to name

The Waves started when the Wrecks and Saws came together about six years ago and became the most dominant family around, mostly because of superior numbers but also because of superior fighters and consistently winning the Grand Championships. Waves pretty much operate on a don't ask/don't tell policy regarding Ridley's drug operation. Kyuzo is by far the best fighter at Kung Fu, and winner of two straight Grand Championships in the solo division. Beyond badass, for real. Maybe that's just me though. He is my brother, after all. He's blood.

FIGURE 3. HOW TO MAKE SHUNTS & STRIPARMOR

Takes me between twenty and thirty minutes to get dressed every morning. First I tie my hair back, that's if it's dry. If it isn't, I do it last, low and tight on my head. Then it's chonies, then leggings. I leave the sheath on my inner left calf empty today because I know Cue will be on high alert with Jimmy being new and all. I don't need to get overexcited and stab somebody on his watch, so it's best it isn't even there. I don't carry it much anyway, not anymore. The thing used to be my crutch back when I couldn't hold my own but things are different now. I'll be more than fine with fists, feet, and my big brother guarding my back. Khaks get put on next. I just got them back from our sew master, he put kneepad sleeves in so I can throw in light Kev padding for everyday use or aluminium pleated shunts for when I got a roll match. Shunts are the thin oval-shaped shields cut to fit in our clothing.

Nearly finished, I put on two T-shirts, both with reinforcement in the chest and shoulders and Cue always teases me because I always look way bigger than I am when everything's on. After that it's my hooded sweatshirt: straight kidney, rib, vital organ, and arm protection. On top of everything goes a flannel, for style. I got alum gloves and my boots have push-out quarter-inch nails in the toe if it gets real bad. The best part about them is that I pass the metal detector test every time because the