Knotted Roots (19 page)

* * * *

At
the end of the day I still hadn’t heard back from Katy, which worried me, but
as I watched Grandma throughout the day I couldn’t shake the feeling that she
was getting worse.  She stayed in her office for most of the day, most of the
time with her head on the desk.  I pulled Brian aside to ask him if he had
noticed anything weird, but his answer didn’t make me feel any better.

“She’s
been having these ‘spells’ for a while now.  I’ve tried to get her to go see
the doc, but she swears she’s fine,” he said.  “Do you think it’s something
serious?”

“I...I
hope not,” I replied as I glanced over his shoulder.  Grandma was talking to
Chase in her office, both of them in the middle of a heated conversation. 
Their hands were flying around, both of them more animated than I had ever seen
before.  “What’s going on in there?”

He
glanced back at them, and then returned his attention to me.  “Not sure.  Maybe
Chase has noticed as well.”

We
went our separate ways, both of us assuring the other that we would keep a
sharp eye on her.  Chase exited the office moments later, a scowl on his face,
making me believe that he had lost whatever argument they had been engaged in. 
I avoided making eye contact with him for the rest of the day.  He didn’t seem
interested in a conversation with me, so I obliged by avoiding him.  It was my
best defense mechanism so far.

At
home that night, as Grandma and I ate dinner, I finally got a response from
Katy.  She had been with her parents all day, unable to get away, but promised
to call me later.  I replied and then put the phone away, determined to
question Grandma right then.

“I
know something’s wrong.  Let’s make this easy, and you just tell me what is
going on,” I said casually as I played with the mashed potatoes on my plate.

“I
can’t,” she replied.  “It’s...I can’t say the words.”

My
gaze shot up to meet her eyes.  There were tears there, threatening to fall,
but she wiped her eyes to try to stop them.  “Please. I need to know.  If it’s
that bad, I have a right to know.” 

She
nodded slowly and set her fork down on the table.  “You’re right. You do.  But
what I’m about to tell you can’t leave this room.”  I nodded as encouragement,
my heart rate racing in anticipation.  “I’m sick.  Really sick.”

“How
sick?” I whispered.

“Very
sick.  I have cancer, Roxie.”

I
released the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding.  Her words felt like a
sucker punch to the stomach.  How could she keep something like that from me? 
“How long have you known?”

“Since
January,” she said as tears finally fell, rolling softly down her cheeks.

“Oh
God,” I said as I slumped back in my seat, my eyes fixed on her face.  No
wonder she looked so pale and frail.  I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t noticed
before now.  Was I that self-absorbed that I couldn’t tell that my grandmother
was wasting away before my eyes.  “Are you...I mean, have you...shit.”

“Language,
young lady,” she replied in typical Grandma fashion.

“Screw
that! You just told me you have cancer! I think I’m entitled to a few choice
cuss words!” I yelled as I slammed my hands down on the table, causing her to
jump in surprise.  I took a deep breath, trying to calm my rattled nerves. 
“What can they do? I mean, there’s chemo and radiation, right? Have you tried
those yet?”

“I
didn’t want to, sweetie,” she said with a sigh.  “I talked to my doctor, and
from what I could gather, my quality of life would be in the crapper if I did
those.  I would rather have a few bad days instead of being miserable every
day.”

“You’re
giving up?” I asked, causing her to shake her head no.  “That’s what it feels
like.”

“It’s
quality versus quantity.  I wanted to enjoy the little bit of time I had left.”

I
stared at her, my mouth hanging open.  It wasn’t the first time someone had
chosen that route, and I could almost understand why she chose it, but I
couldn’t understand why I was here.  Why had I been allowed to come here when
there was no guarantee she would make it through the summer?

“Why
even let me come down here?  Why not just let me mourn a woman I had never
really known, instead of crushing me when you die? That’s selfish!” I jumped to
my feet, slamming the chair into the wall.  “I won’t sit here and let you die!
I refuse to watch you kill yourself!”

I
ran from the room as sobs wracked my body.  When I made it to my room I
immediately threw myself on my bed, hugging my pillow tightly to my chest.  She
had known for
months
that she was dying, and she still allowed me to
come down here.  I couldn’t help but think she was selfish for even
entertaining the idea, much less going through with it.

I
wanted to break something, scream at the top of my lungs, and cry all at the
same time.  My mind and body screamed to get out of this house, away from what
was crushing my heart.  Could I run away?  Where would I even go?  Katy was
with her parents, Brian and I weren’t really close, and Chase wanted nothing to
do with me.  I had no one to turn to.  I knew that the smart thing would have
been to call Mom and tell her what was going on, but I couldn’t bring myself to
make that call. 

I
grabbed my purse and walked out of my room, careful not to make a lot of
noise.  I didn’t want Grandma to know that I was leaving, and I was positive
that if I had to look at her right now that I would end up breaking down.  I
walked down the stairs, careful to avoid the squeaky steps that I had come to
know by heart, and made it to the front door without incident. 

When
I reached the front door I pulled it open slowly, walking out as I pulled the
door closed slowly.  I spun around as soon as it clicked into place, slamming
into a very warm and muscular chest.  I was about to scream when a hand slammed
over my mouth.  I recognized his scent immediately.  It had been burned into my
memory repeatedly since I arrived in South Carolina. 

Chase
slowly slid his hand off of my mouth, pulling me away from the front door at
the same time.  “What are you doing out here?” I whispered.

“Betty
called me and said that you were upset and needed someone to talk to.  She
thought I could help,” he said with a shrug.  

I
grabbed his hand and pulled him down the front steps.  When we reached his
truck in the front yard I motioned for him to get in and crank it up.  He was
hesitant at first, but he didn’t refuse.  We drove away from the house, the
headlights off until we hit the main road, and then sped away.  I had my window
down and the air rushing into the cab of the truck was refreshing.  I could
smell honeysuckle in the air, something else that I would miss.

When
we arrived at the entrance that led to the pond, I was shocked that he had
brought me here again.  After everything we had been through, he was still okay
with me being in his personal spot.  The thought made my heart flutter for a
moment, until thoughts of Grandma filled my brain again.  He didn’t open his door
this time, instead turning his body to face me.

“Want
to tell me why you were sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night?”
he asked, his face a hard mask.

“Not
really,” I replied as I stared straight ahead. 

“Too
bad.  There’s something going on with you and Betty.  She won’t tell me what’s
wrong, so you have to,” he said.

I
didn’t want to betray Grandma’s confidence, but he had every right to know what
was going on.  I knew that she would be upset when she found out, but right
then it felt right to tell him what was going on.  Maybe he could actually
help, or at least be there for her during those last months when I wouldn’t be
here.

“Grandma...she...damn...”
I tried to say it, but the words wouldn’t come out.  “She has cancer.” I spit
the words out in a rush, hoping that it would be easier.  It wasn’t.

His
face crumbled, but no tears came.  He was stronger than me, that was for sure. 
“How long has she known?”

“About
six months, give or take a month,” I replied, finally meeting his eyes.

“And
she didn’t think it was important to tell us?” he asked.  I loved how he said
us.  It made me feel like I finally belonged with them, even though he probably
meant him and Brian.

“Evidently
not.  You have to promise not to say anything! Nothing!” I spoke quickly.  If
he told Grandma that he knew, my butt would be in serious trouble.

“I
don’t know...how can you expect me to keep that a secret? What about Brian? He
deserves to know,” he spoke adamantly.  He was hurting, and I really felt bad
for him, but I couldn’t let him tell his brother. 

“No. 
You can’t tell him. It would kill him,” I replied, my hands shaking in my lap. 
I was slowly losing my composure.

“I
can’t keep something like that from him.  If she doesn’t tell him soon, I’ll
have no choice but to tell him,” he said as he opened his door and got out.  I
stared at him as he walked to the front of the truck.  His gaze was locked on
the stars above, his body resting against the warmth of the hood.  I gave him a
few moments alone before I climbed out as well. 

“I
have to ask...is Grandma the only reason why you came tonight?  I mean...hell,
I don’t know what I mean,” I said as I stood beside him.

He
let out a nervous laugh and raked a hand through his hair.  I couldn’t help but
stare as he moved.  His nervous habit of playing with his hair had always drawn
my eye.  There was something fluid and stunning about the way he moved. 

“She
called.  I came.  Why?  Is there another reason that I should have been there?”
he asked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair line. 

“Dammit
Chase.  You know what I’m trying to ask,” I said, my hands still shaking by my
side.  I could feel my heart rate spike, causing the shaking of my body to
worsen.  I hugged myself, trying to stop the tremors, but it felt like my entire
body was going to fall apart, piece by piece. 

“I
want you to say the words.  I want to hear you ask me,” he said as he pulled me
into a fierce hug, my body instantly beginning to relax, the tremors
subsiding.  “I know what I feel, but I honestly have no clue about you.”

I
snuggled into his chest, basking in the heat of his body.  He felt so familiar,
so comforting, that I couldn’t imagine never being able to hug him again.  I
looked up into his pleading eyes.  He was waiting for me to tell him what I felt
for him, that I wanted to give us a shot, but I couldn’t find the words to
express how much I cared.  How he was all I could think about, and that even
though I had just found out my grandmother was dying, I couldn’t think of
anything but him in that moment.

“You
still can’t say it, can you?  You can’t admit that you feel something for me,”
he said as he pulled away from me.  My body wept at the loss of contact, my
limbs cooling in the evening air. 

“Please,”
I whimpered.  “Just...help me.  This is new for me, okay?  I’m trying.”

“I
want to help you.  I really do, Roxie. But I don’t even know where to start. 
Just answer a simple question for me,” he said.  I nodded and he continued, “Do
you...do you feel anything? For me?”

“Yes,”
I whispered. “I do.  But I don’t know what to do about it.  I’ve never...felt
this way about anyone before.  And it scares me, okay?  I barely know you! I
shouldn’t feel so strongly about you.”

He
wrapped his arms around me again and I felt complete again.  This should have
scared me even more, but there was something so right about this moment, this
feeling, that I couldn’t find the strength to fight it anymore.  I hadn’t
realized how much I had craved this until I was back in his arms.  I had been
so focused on keeping my distance from this boy that I had starved myself.  Now
that I was in his arms, I had no idea how I would be able to live without their
comfort.  And that scared me.

I
looked up at him, staring at his handsome face.  His lips were curved in a
small smile as his eyes bored into mine, taking my breath away.  I reached up
to run my finger down the side of his face, his skin warm and rugged under my
touch.  I felt his hands on my back, his fingers in search of bare skin. 

I
felt the hem of my shirt lift up as his hands caressed my bare skin.  My body
shivered from the feel of his touch.  I ran my fingers through his hair,
pulling his face closer to mine.  I watched him lick his lips, his tongue
darting in and out, and all I could think about was tasting him again.

When
our lips met I nearly crumbled.  It wasn’t as fierce as our previous kisses. 
This time there was something more there, something beyond lust.  Sure, our
bodies craved a deeper connection, but this was more than simply physical
attraction, as something soft and fragile mingled with the passion that coursed
from one to the other.  My tongue did a sensual dance with his as his hands
explored my body.

His
hands gripped my ass, pulling me closer to him; our chests flush with each
other’s.  I could feel his heart beating under the soft fabric of his shirt.  I
ran my hands over his shoulders, feeling the taut muscles that had drawn my
eyes so many times.  In that moment, in that position, I was happy.  I was
content. 

When
we broke apart we were both breathing heavily and his eyes shone with passion. 
If we weren’t careful things could go too far, too quickly.  I was no prude,
not by a long shot, but I was no slut either.  I wanted my first time to be
with someone special.  At that moment, I couldn’t think of anyone who fit that
description better than Chase.  But I still wasn’t ready.  This wasn’t the
right time.  We had more important things to deal with than our raging
hormones.

“I
can’t get enough of you.  What is it about you?” He ran a finger gently across
my lips and they parted, a small breath escaping.  “How long do you think this
truce will last? Cause I don’t know if I’m ready to give up those kisses
anytime soon.”